The Friendship
by fangirl1982
Summary: Sinilar to The Affair to Remember in that it follows the events of s10 and the end of s9 from their perspective from colleagues to firends to housemates to something more : Goes into his abuse, don't read if the idea makes you squeamish.
1. Chapter 1

"We don't even know what kind of dog it is," Doctor Jack Quade complained as he and his colleague, Nursing Unit Manager Gabrielle Jaeger, roamed the All Saints carpark looking for a patient's car, in which her dog was residing. His first day back after going completely off the rails and not only had his boss, ED Director Frank Campion put Gabrielle on babysitting duty (he was a registered physician and surgeon, he could look after patients on his own, thankyouverymuch) but now they were out looking for a dog.

"Dogs are like their owners, it will be some nervous Chihuahua," Gabrielle said irritably. She was no happier having to babysit Jack then he was to be babysat. Not only did she have her own department to run, but she didn't particularly trust Jack. He had a reputation for not only being promiscuous but discarding his conquests once he was done, something she knew first hand because only a few weeks ago he had humiliated one of the best temps she'd had into quitting. She didn't want someone like that running loose around her nursing staff.

That, and while Gabrielle had attempted to comfort her after Jack had humiliated her, Rachel had babbled a lot about what the experience had been like and as far as Gabrielle was concerned, she now knew far more about Jack's sexuality than she ever wanted to. She felt nervous being around him.

They found the car, and a massive, angry dog jumped at the window. Gabrielle shrieked and jumped back in fright - straight into Jack's arms. He had excellent reflexes and his arm shot around her waist to steady her. "_That's _your nervous Chihuahua?" he asked incredulously. He'd been almost as frightened as Gabrielle.

It took a few seconds for Gabrielle to get her breathing under control, and only then did she realize Jack's arm was still firmly around her waist. She pulled away, not wanting to admit, even to herself, that she'd felt a minor fission of chemistry when her back had been up against his chest. Not that she'd ever act on it. She was well aware that two of his conquests included her predecessors and she had no intention of being #3.

"You alright?" he asked amiably.

"Fine."

"You look flustered."

"Yeah well I don't really like big dogs jumping out at me," she said, not wanting to give the real reason.

"Or the ward's resident womanizer touching you," he added helpfully. She looked sheepish but he just smiled. "It's OK, I deserved that. I know what people are saying about me. If it's worth anything to you, one of the conditions of me coming back was that I was absolutely not allowed to make a pass at anyone in the ED. I assure you, you're safe. But if it makes you feel better, next time I'll let you fall."

He said this so amiably that she had to laugh. He really did seem to be trying, and he was more responsive to his patients then he had been in the past. But then, the guy was a surgeon and had a surgeon's mentality to medicine; cut them open, fix them up, sew them back up, hand them over to someone else for the human side of treatment.

The day passed, and at the end of it, he asked her how he'd done. He was looking for confirmation that he'd done OK on his first day back, she realized, and it was kind of sweet. "You started out kind of rocky," she admitted. "But you ended up doing OK." Secretly, she had liked the way he'd promised to be there for his patient when she woke up; that really was going to extra mile. She wondered if he'd done it to impress her.

"Hey, do you want to go grab a coffee or a drink or something?" he asked suddenly.

Whatever feelings of impressment she felt evaporated immediately and she glowered. He was only trying to get into her good books to get into her pants. "I can't believe you," she snapped. "One day back and you're already breaking your promise to Frank."

Jack blanched. "I wasn't asking you out!" he said indignantly. "Look, I feel really bad about screwing you over with Rachel and I've been hearing stuff about Steve all day. I'm a good listener if you want to talk, I know how hard it is to find people you can be on the same level with in your position. I just thought maybe you could do with someone to talk to. Look, forget I ever said anything, OK?"

She immediately felt guilty - and a little disappointed that Jack _hadn't_ been asking her out. Not that she was in any position to start dating again. Not that _he_ was, either. "I'm sorry," she said contritely. "It's been a rough couple of weeks. I don't really feel like going out but if you want to come over... it would be nice to have someone to talk to," she admitted. Jack was right, it could be difficult to find someone you were on the same level as when you were NUM. The doctors tended to look down on you or expect miracles from you, and the nurses were often very demanding and ungrateful and even when they weren't, you couldn't really socialize with your subordinates.

"I'll come around say, eight?" Jack asked. Gabrielle nodded and as he walked away, she found herself strangely looking forward to it. So long as he kept his hands to himself.

"I guess I really wanted it to work that I was blind to what was going on," she admitted. "He was always coming home drunk - he lost his license once - but... I guess I was lonely and I didn't want to have to face up to the fact he couldn't take responsibility for his actions."

"We've all done stupid things when we were lonely," Jack said ruefully, and she knew he was thinking about Rachel and Mercedes and God knew how many other women there had been in the last few months.

Impulsively, she reached out and touched his hand. "If it's worth anything to you, I thought Rachel was kind of dumb the way she just went to bed with you like that. I knew she had a crush on you and I tried to tell her you'd been under a cloud over something for a while but she didn't listen. You shouldn't have treated her the way you did but she shouldn't have given in so easily either."

Jack made a face. "I think you just made me feel worse. I just - I mean I only wanted no-strings sex and I shouldn't have gone to a colleague for that but if I'd known she actually had feelings for me I wouldn't have touched her. I hope you know that." Gabrielle nodded. For some reason, she did know. Jack could be reckless, but not callous. "I still think about Mercedes," he admitted. "I can't - I mean, I wish she'd just _told_ me she was married."

"Wasn't your fault."

Jack shrugged. "I get that in my head. But... Jesus Christ, the woman had the crap beaten out of her because we slept together. That's not something you can really forget about."

Impulsively, she reached for his hand again and squeezed it. "I think it says a lot about you that you do feel bad," she said.

Jack felt oddly flustered, and he wasn't sure if it was because they were talking about something uncomfortable or how soft and warm her hand was. "But I'm blathering on about stuff which I brought upon myself and I came over so _you_ could talk. How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine," she said.

"Liar. I remember when my ex girlfriend left, we'd broken up a while before but I was still completely gutted... and she didn't even leave under a cloud of alcoholic stupor. It sucks."

A flash of pain crossed over her face fleetingly. "I wonder if there's something I could have done to stop it," she admitted. "If I had been a better girlfriend, would that have been enough to make him stop drinking?"

"Gabby..." he'd never called her 'Gabby' before and neither of them noticed the slip. "You know addiction, you know there's nothing you can do to help them if they won't help themselves."

"I know," she admitted.

"But that doesn't stop you from thinking what you could have done?" he asked sympathetically, and she nodded. "If it means something to you, if I'd had someone like you in my life six months ago things would have been different."

"You're just being nice."

"I am not. I was going through something and I was really lonely, I would have loved to have had someone you cared about me the way you care about Steve. He really doesn't deserve you, you know."

"I still love him, Jack. I can't help it."

"The heart wants what the heart wants," he said ruefully, thinking about how much he'd invested in Terri Sullivan when he should have known she just didn't care about him that way. "How long were you guys together? The last time, I mean."

"A few days after he started working at the hospital."

He frowned. "Before Travis died?" he asked. She nodded. "Oh."

"What does that mean, _oh_?" she asked, feeling apprehensive.

"Nothing."

"It's not nothing or you wouldn't have brought it up."

Jack looked pained. "Look, he's gone, it doesn't matter."

"It does to me. If you're trying to be a decent human being you should try being truthful," she said with a gnawing feeling that she wasn't going to like whatever Jack had to say.

"Look, the night Travis died, when I left with Rachel, I saw him with some woman and it looked like he was trying to chat her up. He, um, had his hand on her knee. I didn't think anything of it at the time 'cos I didn't realize you guys were together."

Gabrielle felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. Steve, hitting on another woman? But he'd promised - she felt her throat catch and she struggled not to cry. "Gabby, I'm sorry." There it was again, calling her 'Gabby'. "I shouldn't have said anything." Poor girl. Bad enough to have her alcoholic boyfriend walk out on her, but to know he'd been playing around, or at least trying, was an awful blow. "I shouldn't have said anything."

It occurred to Gabrielle that Jack probably felt worse about it than Steve had. "I'm glad you told me," she said in a small voice. "He - he's cheated on me before. With my best friend."

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Come here." She needed a hug badly and he held out his arms to her. If it wasn't that she was so desperate for comfort she wouldn't have gone into his arms but she did, and started to cry against his chest as he held her with a comforting combination of gentleness and strength. Her arms went around his neck and she found there was something cleansing about being able to cry in a friend's arms.

"I don't know what I did," she said. "Was I not pretty enough? Did I not give him something he needed."

He kissed the top of her head without thinking about it. _Poor girl_. "You know there's usually not reason to cheat. I know, it's happened to me. People can just be selfish. You weren't any more responsible for Steve playing around than you were his drinking. He did it because he couldn't take responsibility for his actions. Here, look at me." She raised her head and met his eyes, finding comfort in them. "It wasn't your fault. God, if I were him I'd thank God I had someone like you in my life and I'd never jeopardize that for - for some woman in a bar."

She was suddenly aware of how good it felt to be in his arms, how special she felt from the way he looked at her, how damn attractive he was. "Jack..."

"I mean it. Don't beat yourself up over some asshole who's too self-absorbed to realize what he has in you. You'll find someone who's man enough to appreciate how special you are."

Her tears were forgotten and she felt her heart speeding up. "Jack," she whispered again and she raised herself slightly so she could meet his lips, wondering how he tasted and if he was as good at it as Rachel had said...

The banging on the door interrupted their reverie so thoroughly that Gabrielle jumped and fell off the couch with a squawk. She got up awkwardly and felt a deep sense of disappointment at being interrupted. But it was for the best, she told herself giddily as she went to the door. No way could she be kissing Jack Quade, of all people.

It was Steve. And he looked awful. She was so shocked to see him, especially in light of having Jack over, that it took her several moments to properly register. "Gabby, I want to give up drinking," he cried brokenly. "But I need your help."

Steve wasn't so out of it that he didn't register Jack coming up behind her and he threw the younger man a filthy look. Exactly how long had it taken him to move in on her? Predatory prick.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked Gabrielle quietly. He would quite happily call the police on the older doctor if that was what she wanted. Talk about awful timing. Well, maybe the timing was perfect actually. It could have been very awkward to have kissed her.

"Are you OK to drive?" she asked. Jack nodded. "Then go home. I'll take care of this."

"But -"

"Jack, go." She thought she could calm Steve down, but only on her own. He'd never respond to Jack being around.

Jack nodded slightly and had the childish urge to kiss her on the cheek, knowing it would send Steve into a tailspin. He was just like his father, Ned, treating his wife like crap but not being able to stand it when other men paid her attention. He said goodbye and left Gabrielle to deal with Steve.

When she didn't return to work for the next two days, he left a message on her machine but got no answer. She finally showed up the next day, looking like she'd been through the wars. "How's Steve?" he asked.

"Through the worst of it," she said. "It was awful."

"I can imagine." They got detoxing patients in all the time and it was never pleasant. "DTs?" she nodded. "Where is he now?"

"At home. He's agreed to join AA and all of that. He wants me back," she added.

"I hope you told him where he could stick it."

She blushed a little, thinking about their almost-kiss. Was Jack being protective as a friend... or jealous? "Not in those exact words but no, I'm not getting back with him. Even if he's sincere about wanting to change, and I believe he is, he's an addict and he has a long road to recovery before he's fit to be in a relationship."

Jack sipped his coffee ruefully. "Amen to that." He was glad now that they hadn't kissed. He himself wasn't fit to be in a relationship and that meant no going around kissing colleagues and creating awkward situations. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine."

"You are not. You've got bags under your eyes that would make a panda jealous."

"You have a way with words, Jack, you know that," Gabrielle said irritably.

"I'm going to let that one go 'cos I know you must be exhausted. I just meant - look, it can't be easy for you, having to support Steve like this. So if you ever feel like a little support yourself - even just an hour or two off to see a movie or have a coffee, you can come to me. "

She smiled wearily. "That's sweet, Jack."

"We're mates, aren't we? And I don't want to see you worn out having to take care of him. Plus, I like your company." he noticed she was constantly rotating her shoulder. "Anything wrong?" he asked.

"Just my neck and back... haven't been sleeping well lately." Not when Steve needed someone to hold him through the DTs and he had a good twenty kilos on her.

He stood up. "D'you mind?" he asked. She shook her head. She liked that he'd sought her permission to touch her, even though for most, that line would have well and truly been crossed when she'd cried in his arms. She cried out when he dug his fingers into the back of her neck. "Sorry, but you're really tense," he said. "Tell me if you need me to go easier."

She gritted her teeth and stood the pain until it began to ease up and she actually felt better. "You're good at this," she said.

"I'm better when I can do it properly, with you lying down with your shirt off, but I don't think we're quite at that stage of personal boundaries and besides, it's not something I'd care to explain to either Steve or Dan."

"If you don't mind me asking, how do you two get along so well? I mean, he's such a gossip and you're so -" she groped in her mind for the right word.

"Secretive?" he offered. He couldn't see her face, but knew she was looking sheepish."We had a few teething problems but he gets that I need my personal space to be respected. That, and I have a massive homophobic streak and I got so angry the one time he went into my room that he never did it again."

"I can't see you as being homophobic," Gabrielle commented, and Jack realized he'd said too much.

"I don't know where I got it from," he lied. "But I've always had it." There was something in his voice that told Gabrielle to drop it. They chatted for a while longer until Zoe walked in and Jack stepped away, feeling a little embarrassed, and he didn't know why. It wasn't like he was _doing_ anything, he was just rubbing a mate's shoulders.

"If Frank thinks anything's going on - " Zoe warned him later that day when she had a moment to speak to him alone.

"Nothing's going on," Jack said, telling himself that an almost-kiss when they'd both had a bit too much to drink didn't count. "And if anything was, I'm sure you'd be right there to tell me all about how sexual abuse victims need time to heal and blah blah blah."

"Don't get pissy with me, Jack. You know perfectly well Frank needed to tell me so you don't go trying to 'help' everytime we get a pedophile or rapist or sexual abuse victim in. Don't look at me like that, you'd do it. I can't believe you pulled that stunt with Patrick Wesley."

Jack glowered. Intellectually, he knew Zoe was right. He didn't like having to admit that his judgment was clouded when it came to sexual predators and their victims and that if Zoe didn't know, he would quite happily have gone over Frank's head and treated any of them. "Well, there's nothing going on between us," he said, anxious to get the conversation off Patrick Wesley. "I just think she could do with a friend and I feel awful over Rachel leaving."

"Paying back karma, are we?" Zoe said. At least Jack felt bad about it. "Why don't you try getting her to come back? She was one of the few temps we had who could get along with Frank long enough to know he isn't the ogre he pretends to be. She was so infatuated with you, I'm sure a sincere apology would go a long way."

"What, you want me to seduce her into coming back?" Jack asked sarcastically. He frowned. "Did everyone but me know Rachel had a crush on me?"

"Pretty much."

"And no-one told me... why?"

"We all thought you had a bit more class than that. Look, Jack, just talk to her. How hard can it be?"

Harder than Jack cared to admit. He really hadn't liked the look of absolute disgust she'd given him when she'd found out about Mercedes. Not that it had been any of her business. Well... he could kind of understand if he'd had such a crush on him. He'd taken a lot of things about Terri and Mitch very personally even though she'd never promised him anything. God, he'd been in love with her and never been able to shake the feeling that she was using him to have fun.

He frowned. He wondered if Rachel had felt anything like how he'd felt with Terri sometimes. That feeling that no matter how in love with someone you were, you were never going to be anything but a lay and maybe a friend to them. And at least Terri had respected him enough to talk to him the next day.

Reluctantly, he sought her out. She still temped at All Saints, mostly in Oncology. It vaguely amused him that she was working for an ex of his, Jillian Henderson. Their split had been fraught with animosity and the reason it had never been public knowledge was because Jillian was too embarrassed to admit to being dumped by him.

Rachel looked up to see him waiting for her and immediately turned in the other direction. He hadn't tried to contact her since she'd quit - well, she hadn't quit exactly, you couldn't quit when you were a temp - and since she had nothing to do with any of the ED staff, she hadn't known Jack had quit and come back under a whole lot of conditions from Frank. "Rachel, wait. Look, will you stop running away from me. I just wanted to apologize... and ask if maybe you'd reconsider coming back. Gabrielle could really do with you. She said you were the best temp you had."

She was surprised to hear an apology from him so many weeks later, surprised enough that she stopped long enough for Jack to catch up. She crossed her arms over her chest and did her best glare. "What makes you think I'd ever want to work with you again? I don't trust you, Jack."

He blanched when she said that. _Good_. It was nice to know he felt bad. _Prick_. But despite herself, she couldn't help remember that he had felt bad about Mercedes. "If you want I'll sort something out with Zoe and Gabrielle so you don't have to work with me. I've been angling to switch to nights anyway."

That surprised her almost as much as the implication he'd resigned his surgical post to work fulltime as an ED physician. _No-one_ liked working nights. "Why?" she blurted out.

For a second the mask he carefully cultivated to hide just how damaged his soul was right now slipped away and she knew him better in that second than she had in the hours she had spent in his bed. "You really need to know my dad to understand but my personality is predisposed to using booze and women as a coping mechanism." And his dad had long stopped using them as a coping mechanism and slid into what was, at best, addictive behavior and what was more likely flat-out addiction. And that frightened Jack more than he cared to admit. "Working nights makes it easier for me to avoid temptation. Plus, I want the next ED fellowship that comes up and it means I'll be running the shift which will look good."

Rachel frowned. "You shouldn't need to go to those lengths to avoid temptation. You should be able to do it." But there was no anger in his voice. He really was trying and being a nurse, she knew better than most how destructive personality traits could flow through the generations. It was - well, almost honorable that he was aware of that and trying to correct it.

"Yeah, I know that. Look, it's only been a few weeks, I think I'm doing pretty well here and Gabrielle's got a lot on her plate at the moment and she could really do with someone who knew her job as well as you do."

Rachel couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy that he cared so much about making things easier for Gabrielle. She wondered if he had a thing for her, then decided it was a moot point, because Gabrielle had too much integrity to get involved with him. And she had been the best boss she'd had. And the ED staff were the most fun to work with, despite Frank pretending to be an ogre. Before things had blown up between her and Jack, Rachel had secretly been hoping a full-time position might come up in the ED. "OK," she agreed after a long pause. Then she added, "But only if I don't have to work with you."[L6]

He nodded. Honestly, he found himself a little uncomfortable around her so acquiescing that request wouldn't be too hard. Plus, Zoe would be over the moon to have someone to fill the dreaded night position. He turned to go, then a mixture of curiosity and guilt got the better of him and he asked, "Look, why didn't you tell me how you felt about me? I thought you just wanted no-strings sex. I wouldn't have touched you if I'd known you wanted anything more." He'd done his research and it turned out pretty much everyone he worked with had known she had feelings for him but, as Zoe had said, they all expected Jack to have a bit more class that to do anything. Knowing everyone thought of that made him feel incredibly low. He hadn't done it deliberately, hadn't seduced her or promised her anything, but still -

"You didn't treat me with much respect even if that had been all you wanted," she said softly, remembering the way he actually seemed peeved at her because she'd gotten his number, or the way he'd been rude, almost hostile towards her working on the chainsaw patient.

"I know and I'm sorry. If it's worth anything, Frank gave me this whole list of conditions that my taking up a post in the ED depended on, and they include counseling and that I absolutely was not to pursue any of his staff." He laughed ruefully. "I had to sign something to that effect and Gabrielle was really peeved when I showed it to her, she couldn't work out if Frank had insulted her by not including _her_ staff in it or insulted her by figuring that _his_ staff meant everyone who worked in the ED."

Rachel couldn't help but smile at that. It sounded like Gabrielle. Most likely Frank's oversight meant the latter, and Gabrielle was always on her case about the nurses being her staff, not his. She wondered just how much being in the ED meant to Jack that he was willing to agree to all that. She doubted Frank's little contract held any legal weight - you couldn't exactly legally bind someone out of having consensual sex with an adult - but it must have meant something to Jack that he went along with it.

When Jack turned to go, she watched him. She couldn't deny he was an incredibly attractive man and up until the morning after where he'd treated her so horribly, he'd treated her with respect and consideration. She'd been pleased when he'd sought her out to tell her he wasn't the typical arrogant surgeon when he'd shot his mouth off about a woman who's cosmetic surgery had terrible consequences. She wondered how much of that had been sincere.

She knew now it had been stupid for her to go to bed with Jack when he was so distraught with grief. She knew, and knew she should have known at the time, that the death of someone close to you didn't exactly make for clear thinking. But then, that was part of why she'd gone with him so willingly. She had wanted to be there for him. She had wanted to show him what he could have in her - someone sweet, loyal, intelligent...

Instead it had ended with his ignoring her the next day, and then the humiliating realization the following week that she had just been another conquest, more important than Mercedes.

She wondered if it really was just a blip in his behavior. He seemed sincere about wanting to change and avoid his father's mistakes. God, his father must have been quite a piece of work. It wasn't exactly difficult to ignore the scars on his back, although he'd shut her up with a kiss when she'd tried to bring it up. You didn't get those kind of scars from someone who believed the occasional belting was OK. You got them from someone who liked to draw blood, and often.

"I thought you couldn't work here anymore," Gabrielle said three days later when, to her pleasant surprise, she saw Rachel.

"I told you I didn't trust Jack and I can't work with someone I don't trust," she corrected Gabrielle. "He spoke to me about coming back and how much it would make your life easier. He seemed like he was genuinely sorry and besides, he's working nights now so I'm not going to see him. And besides, this was my favorite place to work."

"That was... very sweet of him," Gabrielle said, taken aback from Jack's gesture. He certainly hadn't had to do it. "It's good to have you back."

Just then, Charlotte came breezing in, actually on time - a few minutes early - for once. She constantly battled to be on time with the demands of being a single mother. Zoe cut her as much slack as she could, but a tardy doctor wasn't much of an asset to her. "You look like a massive weight just came off your shoulders," Gabrielle said.

"Since Jack took over the night shift, he takes care of Zach during the day. Pretty much insisted on it actually, said Zach needs a father-figure in his life since Spence left. He's so sweet like that and it makes things so much easier on me."

Rachel listened, dumbfounded. That was two colleagues in a matter of minutes calling Jack 'sweet'. She had never known him to be _sweet_. A talented surgeon, good lay, even, according to Ricki, a good friend - but he didn't seem like the sweet type. "You ever worry -?" Gabrielle started to say.

"That he has transference issues?" Charlotte offered. Gabrielle nodded, feeling a little guilty that her curiosity was so obvious. "No. I know very few people believe us but he's not replacing his feelings for our daughter by offering to take care of Zach. It tends to gross people out when I say this but he really is like a little brother to me and I think he sees himself as a pseudo-uncle by extension."

"I'm sorry, did you just say you and Jack have a _daughter_?" Rachel asked, mouth agape at the news.

"Had," Charlotte corrected. "Just some one-night thing when we'd both been dumped - I'm surprised you didn't know, it remains one of the best pieces of scandal to happen in the last five years or so. I miscarried."

"I'm sorry."

"It was a long time ago. You never really get over it but it gets easier with time, and we've had plenty of that."

Zoe came out of her office, surprised to see Charlotte there on time - and not looking exhausted and worried like she usually did. Charlotte explained about Jack's generous babysitting offer. "I can't believe he talked Bart into doing it with him," she laughed. "I think he just wants to be Frank so he can have someone junior to boss around."

"No, it's actually a really good idea," Zoe said. "Neither of them are going to get that kind of experience at day shifts 'cos everyone wants them. This way Jack gets experience running the ward and Bart gets experience being second in charge - and he has interns to boss around. And Jack won't coddle Bart the way Frank does."

"So... I get Rachel back, Jack and Bart get experience that wouldn't otherwise get, you and Frank don't have nightmares trying to get the graveyard shift filled and Charlotte gets a baby-sitter," Gabrielle said. Zoe nodded. It was one of those ideal situations where everyone came out a winner. "Am I the only one who feels stupid that it took our two most junior doctors to come up with it?"

"Kind of," Zoe admitted. "But I think it will be good for them both. Jack especially. He's been a completely different man since he got back. I don't know what happened but I'm glad it did."

Gabrielle silently agreed.


	2. Chapter 2

"What's up? You look like you've lost your best friend."

Gabrielle knew she shouldn't be surprised that Jack had picked up on her melancholy. He was an incredibly insightful man - at least he was when he wanted to be. The last few weeks he had surprised her by knowing when her feelings turned sad and he was unfailingly considerate in trying to cheer her up, for which she was eternally grateful. He had come through on his promise to be her friend, and a friend like that was something she desperately needed.

"In a way, I did," she said. "Steve moved out yesterday."

"Gabrielle, I'm sorry." And he was, he was surprised to learn. He didn't like Steve but he was fond of Gabrielle - just how fond also surprised him, given he'd only been back a few weeks.

"I knew it would happen eventually. It just feels - so permanent. I guess part of me was hoping it was something we could deal with on our own."

He reached out and squeezed her hand discreetly. So many times he had wanted to give her a big hug - she was far more unhappy than what she was letting on, even to him - but he knew anything but the most basic form of affection would get tongues wagging. "You know he needs professional help," he said sympathetically but knowingly.

"I know."

She looked ready to cry. "Look, I finish an hour after you. If you don't mind waiting, there's a great Thai place I know of not far from my place. I don't feel like cooking and you shouldn't be alone."

"Jack, that's sweet, but you do too much for me already."

"Hey, you'd be doing me a favour. I don't get out of the house much, my social life mainly consists of Zach." This made Gabrielle smile. His devotion to the little boy was clear. He'd brought him in one day a week ago because he'd had to sign off on some paperwork - Frank had taken shameless advantage of Jack's unofficial position as HoD covering the graveyard shift and shoved as much paperwork onto him that he could - bringing Zach with him for everyone to coo over. It was kind of endearing. "It's been ages since I saw you outside of work." Since the night he'd come over and Steve had interrupted their almost-kiss, to be exact. She'd been meaning to take him up on his offer of after work drinks since then, but Steve took up so much of her time.

Well, Steve was moving on and so she should. "If it's no inconvenience," she said.

"You are never an inconvenience," he said grandly. "Just wait at Cougars and I'll be by when I can."

"What was that about?" Rachel asked the second Jack was out of earshot.

"Problems with Steve. He just wanted to know I was OK. It's unnerving how insightful he is, sometimes." Gabrielle didn't care to elaborate, telling herself that it was because everyone knew that despite everything, Rachel still had feelings for him, and she didn't want to throw their burgeoning close friendship in the younger nurse's face. In reality whenever she tried to explain that burgeoning closeness, it always sounded like there was something more to it. Which absolutely there was not.

"You guys seem pretty pally." There was a touch of envy in Rachel's voice. She had noticed the way he looked at Gabrielle - it was hard to put her finger on it, but there was clearly affection there. Was there anything more to it than friendship? For some reason, the idea of them together was more unbearable than the idea of him with anyone else. Maybe it was because she looked up to Gabrielle, considered her a friend, and because Gabrielle knew how she'd felt about Jack.

How she'd felt about him then, how she felt about him now. She couldn't help it. The things that had first attracted her to him were still there, only magnified. He was nicer, more considerate - _sweet_, as Charlotte and Gabrielle had said. Rachel wanted him to show that sweetness to her.

"He's a good friend to have," Gabrielle said cautiously, and for some reason, she felt guilty. She told herself she had nothing to feel guilty about. She hadn't done anything wrong, there was nothing between her and Jack, and even if there was - which emphatically there _was not_ - it was none of Rachel's business. "Look, is there something I should know? He only takes extra day shifts because he thinks you're fine with it. If you're not -"

"Of course I'm fine with it," Rachel cut her off, wondering if her feelings were that obvious. "I'm not that petty. I was just... curious."

"Well, don't be, there's nothing there and even if there was, I wouldn't get involved with him. I've had my fair share of men who use women and booze as emotional crutches."

Later over dinner she said to him, "I think you need to sort Rachel out. She still has feelings for you."

Jack nearly choked on his rice. "You're kidding me. How on earth - after the way I treated her, I was surprised she was OK with me working days."

"The heart wants what the heart wants, I suppose," Gabrielle said ruefully. "Look at me and Steve."

"You and Steve had been together for a long time, it's hard to switch those kind of feelings off. Rachel's only known me a few months."

"Nonetheless, you should try and set her straight. Just talk to her. Maybe if she knows nothing's going to happen she'll get over it." She sipped her wine carefully. "Nothing is going to happen, right?"

Jack tried not to be hurt over the directness of the question. "Of course not. I shouldn't have gotten involved with her in the first place. She's a decent kid but that's just it, she's just a kid to me. I've never dated someone that much younger than me but it's more than that. I mean, she's only a few years younger than you but you seem a lot more mature than her."

"Dealing with a cheating alcoholic boyfriend does that to you," she said dryly. But she knew what Jack meant. Rachel was nice, she was professional, but there was a lack of something - maturity was the wrong word, _hardness_ a better one - that came from a sheltered life and lack of exposure to the crueler elements of life. Her relationship with Steve had forced her to draw on reserves of resolve and hardness, and she knew there was something in Jack's past that had forced him to draw on those same reserves. "You know, my parents were really strict and very religious - I used to go to boarding school because the local public school wasn't good enough for them. I wonder sometimes if I started dating Steve 'cos I wanted to escape from that."

She was surprised that she had shared such an intimate detail of her life with Jack. She decided to ease up on the wine. It was just such a treat to not be driving - Steve always insisted on her driving so he could drink. Yet another way their relationship had been incredibly convoluted.

Jack was surprised that she shared it, too. "What made you think of that?" he asked.

"Oh, what you were saying about a lack of maturity. I don't think it's so much that as having been very sheltered. Bart's the same. When you have to deal with crap, it makes you a bit hard, I think. You have to find the strength to keep moving but it alienates you from a lot of people who have no personal comprehension of dealing with it. You get it but she wouldn't. She said - oh, never mind."

"Now you've piqued my curiosity, share," he ordered.

"It's quite personal."

"If it's about me then I probably already know."

"OK, but you can't get angry 'cos I know." He looked at her quizzically then agreed, curiosity even more aroused. "I know you've been abused. Rachel said you couldn't miss it." She saw Jack flush with embarrassment at having such a personal detail known but she _had _warned him. "And she still didn't get that kind of thing changes a person. She didn't get that kind of thing makes you hard because she's never been exposed to it - and I remember thinking you made so much more sense, it can't be easy for you to be close to people, but she didn't get how that would affect a person's ability to be close to people."

"But you get it."

"Probably not as much as someone who's been through it themselves, but yeah, I get it a little. I think my attitude towards sex has always been skewered because of what I grew up with, so the same must be true of you and your ability to be close to people."

At first, he had been embarrassed that she had known about his abuse, but now he found it a little freeing. She was right, she got it. And Rachel hadn't. Someone as sheltered as she was never would. "My stepmother didn't like me very much," he said, and it felt good to talk to someone about it - someone other than his counselor. "I'm the result of my dad's infidelity - my mum was a barmaid, she abandoned me when I was eighteen months old. To Stella, I always represented dad's sleeping around - she didn't have the courage to leave him so she took it out on me instead."

Gabrielle reached out to squeeze his hand. "I'm sorry you had to go through that," she said, understanding better how deeply wounded his soul was. "Did your dad ever do anything about it?"

Jack shook his head. "I only spoke to him about it once, a few years ago, he knew it was wrong but - well, they're both pretty weak people and the trade off for him was that Stella had carte blanche raising me. _That _was loads of fun. I have two older brothers and I grew up trying to understand how she could be such a devoted mother to them and such a cunt to me." Gabrielle gasped to hear Jack use the words. He must really hate her, after all these years. "I think I would have been happier in foster care."

"And DOCS never got involved?"

"She was pretty clever about it, in public she could be a devoted mother and it wasn't public knowledge that she was my step-mother, not my mother so my teachers and neighbours never realized something was amiss. We moved when I was three and my oldest brother was about to start school 'cos Stella didn't want him tainted with the public knowledge that his little brother was a bastard. It took me ages to find my birth certificate 'cos it's got my mother's name on it and Stella couldn't stand the shame of explaining so she destroyed it."

"Oh, Jack." Her heart went out to him.

He smiled brightly through threatening tears. "Please, don't. I don't want to think about it. I got through it, and I send my tax statement home each year so I can stick it to them how much money I make. She was sure I would amount to nothing so it must really stick to her. Can we change the subject, please?"

"Of course. Look, I was meaning to ask you - do you know what's going on between Bart and Annie?"

"Why, has Von said something?"

"No, Frank did. He seems to think you're responsible for his poor judgment. The logic is that you exposed him to your somewhat irresponsible attitude towards sex and relationships. I laughed at that. if Frank hadn't been so busy coddling him and giving him such a sense of entitlement, maybe he'd be thinking with a bit more common sense now."

"I know they're sleeping together," Jack said. "I've tried pointing out how much trouble he could get in with the board but he doesn't care. You know what you were just saying about Bart being one of those people who just doesn't get it? He just can't comprehend the world of trouble he can get into. He thinks himself in love and that's all that matters."

"Have you tried talking to Annie?" Gabrielle asked. "Of the two of them, she seems to be more practical. If you spell out how much trouble he can get into, she may be willing to call it off, at least for a few months."

"It certainly can't make the situation worse," Jack conceded. He made plans with Frank and Von to take over Von's at-home care for a day and make sure Bart was working on that day so he wasn't around to undermine Jack's efforts.

Needless to say, Annie was surprised to see him. "Where's Von?" she asked.

"I wanted to talk to you in private so I arranged to cover for her."

Annie frowned. "Is this about me and Bart? Because he said you didn't approve." She said this like he was at fault, not them.

"Of course I don't approve. Bart could be struck off for this."

"Struck off?. He never said-"

"Of course he wasn't going to say. But how do you think it will look to the medical board? You were his patient only a few weeks ago and you're still an outpatient for the hospital. Getting romantically involved with a patient is one of the worst things he can do and honestly, I'm not sure about your state of mind. You're undergoing chemo, you had a late-term miscarriage not long ago and your relationship ended because of that. None of that will look good to the board."

"Yeah, and how will the board find out?" Annie asked.

"They will find out when I report him," Jack said resolutely. "I have to, it's in everyone's best interest."

"Not ours," Annie said. "You have no right to interfere. How dare you question my state of mind? Bart told me all about you. He said you were so messed up about your girlfriend miscarrying years ago that you've transferred your feelings onto her new baby."

Jack flinched. It wasn't true and it wasn't fair and it wasn't any of her business. "I do still feel bad about it," he said cautiously. "And when it happened I'd only accepted it for a few weeks. She wasn't my girlfriend, she was a one-night stand that ruined any chances I had of reconciling with my ex. For most of the pregnancy I was trying to think of a way to wriggle out of it and if it's something that still hurts to think about, then I can't imagine how you must feel."

"I'm fine. I'm over it."

"Look me in the eye and say that."

She met his eye and got to "I'm-" before her composure completely broke. She started to cry and Jack held her awkwardly. He'd never been one to do anything more than hold his patient's hand if they needed the comforting touch and the fact Annie was seeing a colleague of his made things even more awkward. "You need professional counseling, not a boyfriend who's jeopardizing his career to be with you," he said her decisively - but compassionately. "I'll make you a deal. You break it off yourself and I won't report him. And I'll see about getting you proper counseling. Give it three months into remission, OK? That's not too much to ask, is it? Not when you can go to the board and say nothing happened when it shouldn't have." She didn't reply but nodded her head against his chest. "And for God's sake, don't tell Bart about this. He'd likely make a scene and that will lead to more trouble."

Later on in the week Jack was telling Gabrielle about it. "I felt awful," he said. "I don't believe they love each other but they believe it so the effect is going to be just as bad."

"You did the right thing," Gabrielle told him. "I think you were right on the money about her not having dealt with her miscarriage and her boyfriend leaving her. For that reason alone she shouldn't be getting involved with someone new."

"I know it was the only thing I could do but I still feel bad and I can't believe Bart told her about Charlotte and me. I can't believe he thinks I have transference issues. It's none of his goddamn business and I can't even confront him over it 'cos he'll know what I did and probably do something stupid, make a scene or even quit so he can be with her."

"Welcome to the life of having subordinates to deal with," she teased.

Jack made a face. "If this is what being in charge is like, then I want to go back to the old days. I'd rather Zoe have to make the tough calls than me."

"Don't be like that. You love it and you know it."

"Yeah, I do, but don't go telling anyone that," he admitted.

* * *

"You did well to get her this far, Jack," Gabrielle reminded him gently. Jack was angry because Mike had forced him to stop treating a patient he'd laboured to save. A fight had broken out at the ice hockey game they'd been to as a group and naturally, those of them who had been there had pitched in to help. It had been a pity, because they rarely got to socialize - both her and Jack and the team in general - and she'd been looking forward to it.

She found she enjoyed ice hockey, even though she had gone in not having any idea. If she'd overheard Steve's comment about 'Gabby and blood sports' she would have heartily agreed. There was something about men beating the crap out of each other that she enjoyed, even though she couldn't explain it. Maybe it was just growing up on a farm and seeing aggressive alpha-male behaviour all the time.

But her enjoyment had been short-lived when two alpha males in the stands had decided to have a match of their own, and all hell had broken loose. People had died, people had been seriously injured and it looked like something was brewing between Heath and one of the victims, Melissa.

But that was a thought for another day. Jack was in front of her, Jack was bummed about not being able to see a patient through to the end. Gabrielle was struck by the difference in his attitude now and when he'd come back to work and hadn't bothered to introduce himself to a patient and treated her curtly. He really was doing all he could to change. "You couldn't have done anything else," she said sympathetically.

"I know," Jack said tiredly. "I just wish I _could _have."

She reached up to ruffle his hair slightly. He didn't object, even though he didn't tend to like it when people got into his space like that - unless you were talking about sex. But Gabrielle, for some reason, was different. He didn't mind her in his personal space. In fact, he welcomed it. It had been ages since he'd had a platonic female friend - which reminded him, he needed to make an effort to touch base with Cate - and he hadn't realized how much he missed just being mates with a woman.

From across the ED, Steve watched them. He understood that Gabrielle wasn't interested in reconciling with him - or at least, he tried to understand - but he and Jack had gotten off on the wrong foot from day one and time hadn't done anything to rectify that. He didn't like the man. He thought he was an arrogant city boy, not Gabrielle's type at all. But it was clear that she was immensely fond of him and it made Steve's heart twist to see her being affectionate towards him.

"What's the deal with you guys?" he asked, trying to keep the sullen tone out of his voice.

"What do you mean?"

"You and Quade seem pretty pally."

Gabrielle looked at him quizzically. "You don't think there's anything between us, do you?" she asked. The idea was ludicrous. Jack might be smart and good-looking and fun to hang around but they were just mates. He had never hinted, either in words or actions, anything to the contrary.

"Well, he _has _been with half the staff in this hospital."

"Last I checked, Charlotte and Rachel do not constitute half the staff," she said crossly. "Does the name Ashley Jones cross your mind at all?"

Steve at least had the decency to look ashamed. "I'm just saying... you should be careful around him. He looked like he had an agenda that time he was at your place."

"If he had an agenda, it was to protect my cheating alcoholic of an ex boyfriend from hurting me again," she said sharply, and Steve's heart twisted harder. Why was she defending this guy? What was it about him that made women so fond of him? He couldn't be sorting out a lot of Zoe's problems with admin - caused largely by Frank, but Jack had a knack for getting along with admin - and babysitting for Charlotte and taking Gabrielle out to movies and for drinks just because he was a great guy who liked to make women's lives easier. "We're just friends. Besides, I think Frank would kill him if he got involved with anyone here again."

"Just saying is all," Steve grumbled before walking off.

* * *

Annie had been readmitted when her sickness and pain seemed to be more than just a reaction to the chemo. Things were awkward between her and Bart, but she'd come through for Jack and not only broken it off with him but not told him of Jack's involvement. Frank had worked it out though, and had a quiet word of gratitude. It had been all Jack could do to refrain from pointing out if Frank hadn't coddled Bart so much in the past eighteen months, Bart might not have the sense of entitlement to get involved with a patient.

So here he was, in pathology, trying to sweet-talk one of the pathologists into working with the poor sample they had of Annie's bone marrow. He'd tried to get into the ED to get a fresh sample but all the doors were jammed shut, power failure Frank had said.

"Why's it so important?" Caroline asked. "If you can't get a fresh sample just go hang out in the cafeteria for a while. Most ED doctors would kill to have nothing to do but twiddle their thumbs. Is she your girlfriend or something?"

"No, she's a mate's girlfriend - well, it's complicated. I haven't had a date in ages." He didn't know why he'd tacked that on, except Caroline was kind of cute - actually, she was really cute, and he was trying to make her smile. She had a gorgeous smile.

"Really? I hear otherwise."

Jack frowned. "You shouldn't believe everything you hear. Look, can you please do me this huge favour? It would mean a lot to me."

Caroline smiled. "You're much nicer than Frank Campion," she conceded.

"Yeah, well I learned a long time ago that if you want things to go smoothly, you need to get on well with admin, the nursing staff and pathology."

"Clever boy. What do I get if I do this huge favour for you?" she asked. There it was, that gorgeous smile.

"How 'bout I take you out for dinner next week?" Jack offered, smiling back.

Caroline considered it. "How about you buy me a working girl's lunch right now?" she countered. She reached for the staff coffee and pastry list and handed it over. Jack groaned inwardly. He was so hitting Frank up to reimburse him the cost. But he took the list without verbalizing his displeasure and went off to get the whole pathology staff coffee and Danishes.

"I can't believe you actually did this," Caroline admitted half an hour later. "Hope you're planning to hit Frank up for the money?"

"I'll try, but I don't like my chances," Jack replied. "I really appreciate this and... if you're still interested, I'd still like to take you out for dinner."

"Next week?" Caroline asked. Jack nodded. "I'm free Thursday."

Jack wasn't, but he figured he could switch with someone. "I'll be back for the results in a couple of hours, OK?" he asked, smiling as he walked off. It had been ages since he'd bothered to flirt and date - for too long now it had been get them straight into bed - and it felt good to be back in the game.

The last thing he remembered was Caroline smiling, Danish in one hand, coffee in the other, when there was a thunderous sound and the room shook and everything went black.

* * *

"Oh, God, where did that come from?" Charlotte asked in a frightened whisper. "The daycare centre?"

"They wouldn't hit the daycare centre," Frank assured her. Targeting children was a line that even gun-wielding and bomb-setting drug thieves tended not to cross.

Just then, the phone went off, startling everyone. The phone had been largely silent for the last hour or so when Frank had switched their capacity to red, meaning they couldn't take any more patients. It was probably internal. Frank went to get it and Melissa pointed the gun in his face. "I have to get it," he explained as patiently as he could. He much preferred dealing with James, but James was off plundering the pharmacy's drug supplies. "It's probably admin calling all the wards. If I don't answer, they'll send security straight down."

Melissa glowered. She was fast losing control of the situation. She hadn't liked that James had gone off with that pretty brunette with the guy's name and now one thing went wrong after another. Then she smiled an evil, Annie Wilkes-esque smile. She swung the gun around in Rachel's direction. She had worked out soon enough that Frank was immensely protective of his staff and was much more pliable when she was pointing the gun in one of their faces than his. And besides, Rachel was a brunette nurse like the harlot James had dragged off and it made Melissa feel better to frighten her. "You answer it," she directed Rachel. She glared at Frank. "Any mistake and she gets it."

Rachel had been surprisingly calm. She had realized panicking was going to get them nowhere and had done her best to make the situation as good as they could. Not that there was really such thing as 'good' when they were being held at bay by gun-wielding maniacs. "All Saints Emergency Department, Rachel Simms speaking," she said. Her throat felt dry but her voice sounded normal.

"Hi, is Jack there?" a woman asked.

"No, he's not, can I take a message?"

"You think you could find him for me?"

"I'm sorry, but he's up in pathology. I can page him for you and get him to call you when he gets back - I'm sorry, what's your name?"

"It's Rebecca, and I've already tried his pager. And his mobile. Look, I know I'm being stupid but I just got this awful feeling that something bad's happened to him and I just wanted to make sure he's OK."

_Rebecca_. The pretty blond she'd originally thought was an ex-girlfriend on account a picture of them dressed up was the only thing on Jack's bedside table. But she was the sister he adored. And she apparently had a psychic connection with him. "Rebecca, I can't do anything if he's not answering his pager or phone but I promise the second I see him I'll tell him he called."

There wasn't much more Rebecca could do but accept Rachel's promise and she said goodbye, going back to her mounting sense of panic that something had happened to her brother. She then called admin. "You set the bomb it pathology, didn't you?" Rachel asked Melissa when she hung up the phone. Melissa just smiled that evil smile.

"Jesus Christ, I knew they were close but..." Charlotte breathed. "What do you reckon she's now calling the police?" Not the brightest thing to say when Melissa and Smokey had guns

"What? Who were close?" Bart asked.

"Jack and his sister. It's funny because they're only half-siblings and they only met a few years ago and he's a fair bit older than her but they're completely in sync. She knows something's up and if she couldn't get hold of him herself, she called here." Charlotte paled when the meaning of her own words sank in. Had the bomb been in pathology and had Jack been in pathology when it went off? She couldn't even feel relief that the bomb hadn't been in daycare. "You bitch," she snarled at Melissa, completely forgetting for a moment that Melissa had a gun on her.

Melissa waved it in her face. "Careful," she said. "You don't want to go calling the person with the gun names."

Nearby, Gabrielle felt like she was going to be sick. It was somehow that much more personal to know one of their own could right now be hurt, even dead. It was one thing that they were being held hostage by the madwoman; it was another to know someone they all cared about might be no more.

* * *

Jack came too reluctantly, his mind telling him that unconscious meant no pain. Not that there was much pain for the moment; adrenaline kicked in when he realized what had happened. He took in the scene around him. It looked like a bomb site. Jack let out a grim chuckle at that site. It couldn't have been anything _but _a bomb. _Oh, God, someone had set off a bomb in pathology_. Did it have anything to do with the fact the ED was in lockdown? His _friends _were down there.

OK, he couldn't worry about that right now. Coughing, he got up and was vaguely aware of the ache in his side. He surveyed the scene around him. There were a few people getting up, staggering around, looking dazed. No wonder. "Everyone get out," he said loudly but with surprisingly little panic in his voice. Panic would achieve nothing. The damage was done and the most immediate concern was getting people out before anything collapsed. "Be careful where you walk. If it feels unstable, back off." People looked at him and obeyed him, relieved to have someone to take stock of the situation. Well, he was a surgeon and an ED physician. If he couldn't remain calm in a crises, people died.

He looked around. Because he'd been almost out the door when the bomb had gone off his injuries were easily treatable. He felt something warm and wet on his forehead and he knew he'd been cut. He raised his hand to it and knew he was going to need stitches but it was nothing fatal. He would be OK.

But most of the people who'd been in pathology at the time wouldn't be. He guessed the bomb had been under the front desk - it was easy to hide and a major source of traffic. Anyone who'd been within a meter of that desk at the time probably wouldn't have survived.

_Caroline_. His heart lurched with fear. He barely knew her of course, but suddenly all he could think about was her smile. "CAROLINE!" he screamed. He rushed over to the front desk, ignoring his own commands to tread carefully.

_She was alive_. He couldn't believe it, but she was alive. There could be anything wrong with her and there was so many procedures Jack needed to follow but he didn't have the time or resources so he pulled her into his arms. There was a hole in her chest with blood soaking through and it was getting all over his shirt but he didn't notice. Nor did he notice the fact her weight was exacerbating the pain in his side. All he could think of was getting her out of there.

Thankfully, a fair portion of the ambulance service had been directed to the hospital. Cate and Heath were waiting for him - well, not him specifically but for the many survivors of such a horrific crime.

A fragment of the bomb had torn through her chest, piercing her heart. Jack's heart plummeted. Even if they could stop the bleeding, she had already lost so much. It came down to Cate using her fingers to stop her heart from pumping out blood while Jack and Heath moved the gurney with painstaking but very necessary slowness towards the ED.

The ED was complete bedlam. One patient had already died and Jack later found out that another, Georgina, had missed out on the heart she needed by just a few minutes. Jack felt a rush of sheer hatred towards the people responsible and took a grim sense of satisfaction out of the fact one of them had a bullet through her head.

He worked feverishly to save Caroline and in the end, thank god, she was going to pull through. He wanted to go up to ICU with her and stay there until she woke up and was able to talk, or at least listen to her tell him she was going to make a full, if slow recovery. He wanted to see this one through more than he'd ever wanted to with a patient. He felt a little guilty for the rough time he'd given Bart over Annie because he understood now that sometimes you couldn't help feeling that way about a patient. Of course, it was different because Caroline had become his patient _after _they'd made plans for a date, but still-

"Quade, let it go. You need to be checked out."

"I'm fine, Frank." But even as he said it he was aware of the growing pain in his side. He hadn't noticed it while he'd been high on adrenaline, but now-

That pain in his side turned out to be two fractured ribs. He supposed he should be grateful, given almost everyone who'd been in pathology at the time was now dead. "You're incredibly lucky," Frank said gruffly. "I want you to remind yourself of that everytime you think to complain to me about being on light duties for at least the next month." Jack opened his mouth to complain and shut it again when he saw the look in Frank's eyes. "That cut looks like it needs stitches."

"I don't suppose Zoe can do it?"

To Jack's surprise, Frank laughed. The shock had worn off enough for Jack's homophobia to kick back in; he absolutely hated being treated by male doctors.

The phone rang. It was the results for Annie's bone marrow. She didn't have bone cancer. Well, that was something good to come out of the day. He went to tell the young woman, by now frightened out of her wits.

She looked as though she would kiss Jack at the news. Bart looked almost as happy. Jack got Bart to run an errand for him so he could get Annie alone. "Look, all things considered... if you and Bart can be discreet enough that I don't know about it..." He had said three months but he couldn't stand for them to be miserable after they'd all been through so much. And maybe Karma would give him brownie points with Caroline.

The frightened look was completely wiped from her face and impulsively, she reached up and hugged him. "Thankyou so much," she whispered.

"It's nothing. But I'm serious, be discreet."

"I will, I promise."

They had a staff meeting later that day. Everyone was pretty shaken up. Charlotte looked like she would never let Zach out of her sights again. Jack patted her back reassuringly and she smiled in gratitude.

It was the typical driven about how counselors were available and all that. Jack was feeling surprisingly calm. He could have died, but then, he hadn't had to live through the stress of being held at gunpoint and watch people die. Hell, he had _saved _a life, the only one that _could_ be saved. But still... he knew he didn't want to be alone tonight. (Speaking of which, he should call Rebecca. It must be all over the news by now.)

Gabrielle found him shortly after. "Are you doing anything tonight?" she asked hopefully.

"I was just about to ask you the same thing. I could really do with some company tonight - Dan's staying with Ricki and I don't want to be alone."

"What about Charlotte?"

"I think she wants to devote her energy to Zach. I think she's just resent any other claim on her attention. Look, why don't you come over for dinner? Say, seven? I should go see my sister first but that won't take long, just enough for her to know I'm in one piece, and I'd rather be with someone who it happened to."

Gabrielle smiled gratefully. Like Jack, she didn't want to be alone, she wanted to be with someone who had gone through the same traumatic event. Like Jack with Charlotte, the person she really wanted to be with was otherwise occupied - Steve had thought it best that he go to an AA meeting - but they still enjoyed each other's company and beggars couldn't be choosers. "I'll be there." With several bottles of wine. Or maybe forget the wine and hit the spirits. "Oh, God, that reminds me. Rebecca did call. Rachel took it. Said she'd pass the message on, I guess she forgot." It had been a pretty stressful time for all of them.

"When?"

"Couple of hours ago. It was at eleven."

It was now four. "And she hasn't tried to call back?" It had to be all over the news by now. If she hadn't been able to get hold of him, she would have started making enquiries until she did. And then she'd start to worry. They were incredibly close, had a deep connection that most people associate with twins.

"Frank got sick of the calls from reporters so he did something to the phone - we can still take internal calls but not external ones."

Rebecca had probably been frantic, dialing the ED over and over and getting a disconnected signal. She must be hysterical by now. He had been back in the ED for over two hours and Rachel hadn't said anything to him. He pulled out his phone and realized it was smashed. If he could retrieve the memory, he was sure there was a bunch of missed calls from her. "Fuck," he said with enough vehemence to frighten Gabrielle. She had never seen him so frantic - you couldn't give into that particular emotion when you did what they did for a living, but when it came to his sister...

She handed him hers. "Here. Talk as long as you like, I have one of those free minute plans 'coz my family's always calling me." She didn't know why she'd added that detail except that she wanted to reassure him that cost wasn't an issue.

Jack dialed. Rebecca answered on the first ring, which probably meant she'd been sitting by the phone. She was crying. "I heard about the bomb and I tried calling but you didn't pick up and I tried calling the ED and that stupid jealous bitch said she'd pass on the message and - oh, God, I was so worried you were dead."

"I'm fine," he said. "I have a couple of fractured ribs and a bad cut but that's all. I'm just leaving work now, why don't I swing around and you can see for yourself."

"I'd like that." She continued to cry and Jack said all the right things until she was calm enough that he felt he could end the call. His heart ached for his sister and he couldn't even take a perverse pleasure out of knowing he meant that much to her.

Jack handed back Gabrielle's phone. "Thanks," he said absently. Then his body language changed abruptly and anger was written all over his face. Rebecca had been convinced Rachel had deliberately not passed on the message out of jealousy - it was an ED joke that Jack let Rebecca walk all over him when it came to the women he was dating (or sleeping with). She always came first, as even the formidable Deanna had discovered. Rebecca liked very few of the women in Jack's life, and the ones she did - Charlotte, Cate - had known him first. And Erica didn't count because she and Jack had always known Erica and Dan would get together. But an ex-lover was something else entirely, someone who was a potential threat to their relationship, and in her hysterical state it made perfect sense for Rachel to have done something like that on purpose. And to Jack, having had to calm her out of her hysteria, Rachel was a convenient target for his heartache that his sister could be made so upset. "I'm going to wring her neck," he said in a dangerous voice, and Gabrielle knew exactly who he was talking about.

"Jack, stop. She didn't do it deliberately." She raced after him. "We've all been under stress. You can't blame her."

"Rachel!" he yelled at her with such fury she cowered. She hadn't thought it possible for Jack to speak to her in more distressing a way than when he'd dismissed her after their night together, but the tone in his voice - and the look in his eyes - chilled her to the bone. "You stupid, jealous _bitch_," he seethed, attracting the attention of everyone in the ED. Von shivered involuntarily. She and Frank were the only ones who remembered his anger towards the man who had run Charlotte over, causing her miscarriage, and this was the same anger.

"Excuse me?"

"What, you thought not passing on Bec's message was going to impress me? You are pathetic."

"Jack, please," Gabrielle pleaded with him. Rachel looked frightened out of her wits. She had remained calm while they were being held hostage but looked ready to completely break under the brute force of Jack's anger. Gabrielle couldn't blame her. It was frightening enough just being in the vicinity.

"I didn't mean to - I just forgot," Rachel said, trembling. This was the man who had held her lovingly, who had been so gentle and giving that he'd convinced her there was something more even without saying anything. And now he looked like he was capable of murder.

"Shut up!" he screamed. "You will never mean anything to me, and you certainly won't mean the same as her. You're not in the same class. Get that through your thick head." And he stormed off.

Rachel burst into tears. "I didn't do it deliberately," she sobbed.

Gabrielle patted her on the back. "I know. It's just that she means so much to him and she was really upset. I mean, _really_. I could hear her sobbing through the phone. He didn't mean it, he just wanted a target for her being upset. He'll apologize in the morning." She'd make sure he did. Rachel nodded, still sobbing. "Why don't you go home?" Gabrielle asked kindly.

A few minutes later a calmer Rachel emerged from the bathroom, jacket over her - it seemed everyone was feeling chilled to the bone - and bug over her shoulder. "Gabby, do you think he meant what he said - about me not meaning anything to him?"

"I think Charlotte or Cate is a better judge of that, they understand their relationship better. But yeah, I think the best you can hope for now is friendship."

"I should have passed on the message as soon as I saw him."

"You aren't to blame. Everyone knew she called - hell, Charlotte knows how frantic Rebecca would have gotten - and none of us said anything. It didn't even occur to me to say something until he said he needed to call her. You're not to blame," she repeated.

"Now he'll never care."

Gabrielle hugged her. No point in telling Rachel he never would have in the first place. In some ways, Jack's losing his temper at her had been a blessing. Now she could be content herself with the knowledge that it had been his possessive sister that kept them from being together, not Jack's complete lack of interest in someone he had referred to as a 'sweet kid'.

"... You were really hard on her before," she admonished him later. "You owe her an apology. I'm really grateful you convinced her to come back, but that isn't much good to me if she just quits 'cos of you again."

Jack raked his hand through his hair. "I know," he admitted. "But hearing Bec so distressed and so convinced Rachel had done it deliberately, well, she was a handy outlet to blame. I hate it when she gets upset."

"You really love her, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do. Most people don't get it 'cos we don't even have the same father and I'm seven years older than her and we've only known each other for two and a half years - but the first time we had a real conversation I felt like I'd known her all my life. She's the only family I've got who ever really cared about me."

"You have a photo of her?" Gabrielle asked, partly out of curiosity and partly because it seemed to defuse the last of his bleeding-out stress.

Jack pottered to his room and came back with a photo of the two of them. "She's pretty," Gabrielle commented. "And you look happy in this photo."

Jack laughed. "It's from Nelson's wedding. It turned out to be not so happy a day - his fiancée was killed by her ex. The photographer initially refused to sell Bec this photo 'cos he didn't want to profit from such a horrific event, so Bec talked him into giving it to her for free, that way he wouldn't be profiting."

"You're making that up."

"I am not. She's actually quite proud of herself. It's vaguely flattering. I've never had someone willing to talk her way to one particular photo. I mean, if I'd known she cared that much I would have just smiled for a photo, but the fact she wanted it that much..."

For some reason, Gabrielle found herself laughing. She knew exactly what Jack was talking about. God, Steve hadn't loved her enough to be faithful, let alone negotiate for a photo he liked. Jack watched her curiously as her laughter became somewhat hysterical. That was the shock wearing off and hysteria setting in. "C'mere," he said and gently pulled her into his arms. "Just don't put any weight on my left side."

"I'm fine, Jack."

"No, you're not. You've just been held at gunpoint. I know you need to appear in control of things in front of your subordinates but you don't have to keep it up in front of me. Isn't that why you asked to come over? So you could be with someone who had been through it?"

"I don't want to be a nuisance."

His heart went out to her and he wondered how much of Steve's treatment of her over the years had led to this belief that she always had to be the strong one, that she couldn't expect or rely on anyone to be strong for her. "You're not a nuisance," he said. "You're one of the most awesome women I know. It takes courage to leave someone you love and it takes courage to leave them again when you know they're beyond your help. You don't need to feel you have to always be strong around me. I have a pretty thick skin myself."

She started to cry and he cupped the back of her neck, pushing her face into his chest. If anyone needed to cry in the arms of someone she cared about, it was Gabrielle. He held her as gently and protectively as he could, moving her as discreetly as he could manage when she drifted over to his left side - she wanted a bear hug, and he couldn't manage that right now - and let her cry into his arms. "It's going to be alright, eventually," he said soothingly. "I'm here for you and so are - so are a lot of people you'd be surprised care about you."

She would never understand, because it any NUMs position they were stuck between two crap places; the doctors that demanded the world or them but never credited them for delivering, and the nurses that were never happy with their shifts and conditions and took it out on her rather then admin and the government where it belonged. And all Gabrielle's predecessors as Jack had known them had experienced that; Terri, Nelson, Deanna, Dan. But Gabrielle had done something that was a minor miracle. She had both protected her staff from Frank-the-Ogre and earned the respect of the doctors on the ward. She wasn't to know Dan, having witnessed four NUMs before her, had an admiration for her he couldn't express (and Cate wasn't far behind). She wasn't to know that Vincent had thought she was the best thing to happen to the ED. She wasn't to know Mike had apologized in public to her precisely because that was the one time he and Vincent had ever agreed. She wasn't to know Charlotte adored her like a little sister and respected her professionalism at the same time. She wasn't to know Zoe respected her professionalism and liked the idea of a friendship - an alliance, of sorts - she just felt like she wasn't good enough.

"People care about me?" she sniffled. He nodded. "Who?"

He would never betray a confidence. "You're going to have to grow a backbone and work it out for yourself."

She settled into his arms. "Thankyou," she said.

"For what?" All he had done was listen to her and tell her what she needed to her. And make a mental note that Steve Taylor and whoever else had ground Gabrielle's self-esteem to the ground deserved having their heads ripped off.

"For being there for me." And it struck Jack as incredibly sad that she was, what, twenty-five and she had no-one else to turn to but a colleague she had only known well for a few weeks. But then - apart from Charlotte he really only had her, so who was he to judge?

"You're welcome," he said, and he felt her fall asleep on his chest. For a second, he cursed. He thought about waking her up, then discarded the idea. She was sound asleep, and he couldn't bear to deprive her of that, not when she had to work and he didn't. He thought about taking her to his room, and discarded that even quicker. She might forgive herself for falling asleep with Jack Quade, that womanizer of the ED, but never for falling asleep in his bed. So unless he wanted to wake her up he was stuck with her.

Not that he wanted to sleep anyway. He always got Wednesdays off because of his counseling sessions - and he was sure he could get this one off anyway - so sleep wasn't important. He flicked on the remote - thank god, the DVD of _The Tudors _he'd just started watching was in there, he had a few hours entertainment ahead of him - and started watching TV.

Gabrielle shivered in her sleep. "Steve, I'm cold," she said, and Jack knew he had to overlook that. She was half-drunk, she was weak with terror and exhaustion - but still, it hurt to be called another man's name, the same way Terri had automatically called for Mitch... Jack grabbed the blanket that decorated Dan's couch and threw it over Gabrielle, drawing her as close to him as she could. "It's OK, I'm here," he said. She didn't call him by name again - either Steve or Jack - but she settled into a deep sleep.

Impulsively, he kissed the top of her head and wrapped the blanket tighter around her. She wasn't Terri, he knew that. She was... someone more than Terri. There was more substance, more strength. Strange how he had never before thought of someone as having more strength and substance than Terri... but here she was.

He wondered how long it would take before any of them felt warm again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Caroline woke up to see Jack fixing what looked like real food - as opposed to hospital food - on her tray. "Hey, you," she said, smiling. She had already been told that Jack had worked doggedly to save her - she owed him her life.

"Hey," he said.

"What's all this?"

"I promised you lunch, didn't I? And it's Valentine's Day. I thought there was something really wrong with someone lying in hospital with a busted heart on Valentine's Day."

"Jack... that's so sweet. I don't know what to say."

"I didn't know what you liked so I have chicken and seafood." And salad, and olives and champagne which he'd promised the nurse was just sparkling water. And lilies.

"The flowers are beautiful. Why lilies?"

"'Cos I hate roses, they're so... I mean, everyone buys them and they're so obvious."

"They're beautiful." Her stomach rumbled. It had been just a day on hospital food and already she was sick of it. She always brought her own food to work. They gave her hospital meals but she hated hospital food. "Did you do all this yourself?"

Jack smiled sheepishly. "No, it's care of a gourmet place near where I live. I go there if I can't be assed cooking for myself."

"You live with someone, don't you? They don't cook?"

"I've known Dan to set off the fire alarm by burning toast. His girlfriend can do better than that. Here, eat. And for God's sakes, don't tell Winters that I smuggled in champagne."

She attacked the chicken ravenously, then looked guilty. "Sorry."

"Don't be. I work here, remember? When I quit I remember thinking I would never have to drink hospital coffee again. For two weeks I practically lived in my kitchen with my two-grand coffee machiene. That thing's worth more than my car."

Caroline laughed. "Why _did_ you quit?" she asked.

Jack answered cautiously. "I was going through a lot. I lost someone close to me - he was like a brother, better than my actual brothers. I loved him and I never told him so. I still feel bad about that and I really went off the rails. Ironically, it was someone else close to me who's dying - she's on her last legs - and she was another member of the replacement family I've cobbled together who reminded me how much I love medicine." He hadn't meant to tell her so much but... there was something about having a counselor who loved to rip off the emotional band-aids you'd plastered yourself with over the last twenty years and get the wounds flowing all over again that made him no longer care who knew certain things.

"I'm sorry."

He smiled brightly. "Don't be. I'm getting over it."

She reached up to touch the row of stitches on his forehead. "That from the explosion?"

He bit back a sarcastic remark. "Yeah."

"Any other injuries?"

"Two fractured ribs and massive bruising here." He held his hand lightly over his left side. He didn't like to admit it, but he was grateful Frank largely had him in triage. It hurt to lift anything that weighed more than a few kilos, and having Gabrielle in his arms all night hadn't helped.

_Gabrielle_. He had woken her early in the morning so she could go home and get changed and then gotten a few hours sleep before Karen had called him over and over until he'd woken up and answered. Apparently almost being killed in a bomb explosion didn't get him out of one of her grueling sessions. He'd seen her yesterday and she'd thanked him for being there for him but other than that, it was as if it had never happened.

"Can I see?" Caroline asked. Jack stood up and lifted his shirt. She cringed. It really was massive bruising, but it was only what you'd expect from a fall hard enough to fracture ribs. "Ouch."

"I'm alive. Most aren't." She shivered. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up."

"It's OK, Jack. I'm just... glad to be alive. You... if you hadn't gotten me out, I would have died there. That's all I can think about."

He had an impulse to hug her, but he grabbed her hand and squeezed it instead. "I couldn't believe you were alive," he admitted. "All I could think about was saving you." He smiled ruefully. "I have to admit, I've never thought about ripping off a date's shirt in that context before. I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be." But it was sweet that it concerned him. She'd heard rumours about Jack of course, that he went through women like tissues and discarded then like tissues as well, but in front of her was a man concerned he'd violated her personal space because he'd needed to get her shirt off to get to her heart. "You're not like I expected you to be," she admitted.

He leaned over to wipe a piece of chicken out of the corner of her mouth. "How did you expected me to be?" he asked, although he already knew the answer to that one.

"Real piece of work. When you asked me to lunch I thought you were just looking to score... but it was sweet the way you got everyone coffee. And... it was amazing the way you didn't think about your own safety after the blast... that takes a lot of integrity."

_Integrity. That _was a word. Jack didn't hear often in context of his character. He felt flushed with pride at it. _Jack Quade has integrity_. "I'm just glad you're alright," he said.

They spoke for half an hour before Jack reluctantly had to go. "Make sure Winters doesn't confiscate your food," he said. "I wouldn't put it past anyone to steal decent food."

She laughed and promised she wouldn't. As he was leaving, she asked tentatively, "Aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?"

Obligingly, he leaned in and kissed her on the forehead. It was about as much affection as he showed Rebecca. She was deeply disappointed. Among the things she had heard about Jack was how good he was at kissing - and in bed. "Is that all I get?" she asked, trying to sound playful and flirtatious instead of whiney.

"Caroline, I nearly had a colleague of mine reported 'cos he was sleeping with a former patient who was at the time an out-patient. I know this is a bit different, her circumstances were a lot sadder and you'd already agreed to go out with me. But still... I don't want there to be any doubt that I did the right thing by you. Look, do you know when you're being released?"

Caroline smiled weakly. She understood Jack's motives, admired him for it, but there was still a part of her that wanted him to treat her like a date, not a patient. "Next Thursday, I've been told."

"Then I'll make plans for Saturday and you'll be glad you waited. How about I come back in the morning?" Caroline nodded; she's like that. Jack walked off feeling unexplainably happy. Maybe it was just that he could have taken advantage of the situation - hell, Caroline had been disappointed he hadn't - and hadn't, maybe it was the fact he couldn't remember the last time he'd been interested in someone enough to date them.

Oh, yeah. That was it. Deanna bloody Richardson.

"You look like you've been sucking on lemons," Zoe commented when she saw Jack a few minutes later.

"Thinking about someone I don't like much," he said. "Hey, can I have next Saturday off?"

"What for?"

Jack stuffed his hands in his pockets. "It's personal."

"You mean you have a date lined up?" The way Jack looked embarrassed was weirdly charming. Zoe doubted Jack had cared about anyone enough to get time off for a date in a while. In fact... no wonder he'd looked like he'd been sucking on lemons, he's probably been thinking about Deanna. Deanna Richardson had come and gone months before Zoe's time, but the trail of destruction she'd wreaked meant people had still been talking about it. "Let me see what I can do," Zoe said noncommittally. She planned to do what she could - Jack had been an absolute godsend the last few months, and she didn't want to get him offside - but no point in getting his hopes up.

Gabrielle came upon Zoe juggling the rosters and asked about it. "Jack wants next Saturday off for a date and I really don't want to deny him, he's been an angel since he got back."

"If you can convince Steve it's in his best interest to have Jack off the market - he doesn't like how close we are, thinks Jack's constantly trying to get into my pants - he'll probably volunteer. Saturday nights are kind of hard for him anyway, he could use the distraction."

Zoe, like Frank, knew about Steve's alcoholism. Idly Zoe wondered if Gabrielle knew about Jack's abuse; they were pretty close these days. "Thanks," she said. An idea occurred to her. "I don't suppose you could...?"

The next day Gabrielle 'casually' brought up in conversation that Jack wanted the following Saturday night off for a date. "I think he's pretty keen on her, he's been in ICU every day since Caroline was admitted. I don't think I've ever seen him so keen on someone." She chuckled. "I've had to ask him to be discreet about it so he doesn't upset Rachel."

Steve pondered Jack's quarandary. If he was as keen as Gabrielle said about this Caroline woman, then if they started seeing each other seriously, he's stop sniffing around Gabrielle like a dog in heat. Besides, Friday and Saturday nights were always the worst for him, the temptation to go out on the town and get wasted - little did he realized he's just been conned.

Steve may not have realized it, but Jack did. "I take it you had something to do with Steve taking my Saturday night shift?" he asked.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she said with a quiet grin.

"Don't be coy. He practically offered to be my best man. It seems he has this idea in his head that if I'm seeing someone else, I won't have time for you anymore. Which isn't true but it seems like Steve's kind of logic, at least when it comes to you." He was still keen on a reconciliation, that much was obvious, although how he could possibly think he was going to win her back after screwing around twice was beyond Jack's understanding... but he did appreciate the night off.

Gabrielle grinned. She should have known Jack was too insightful not to cotton on. "You seem keen on her," she said. "And I'm willing to bet it's been ages since you liked someone enough to date them, yeah?" Jack nodded, a little embarrassed. "So go have fun."

Impulsively, Jack hugged her. He didn't often touch her in any way that could be construed as 'personal' when they were in public because he was well aware at how people interpreted every little show of affection he made towards women, but Gabrielle's sweetness touched him. "Thanks," he said gratefully. "You're a great mate. The best."

For some reason, Jack's words made her feel better than all the times Steve had told her he loved her. Maybe because she trusted Jack's sincerity much more than she trusted Steve's. "Just don't be one of those guys who forgets he has friends the second he gets a girlfriend," she threatened, finding herself feeling a tiny fission of jealousy. She told herself it was because she didn't want to lose Jack's friendship.

He laughed ruefully. "Are you kidding me? I don't feel welcome in my own home some nights 'cos of Dan and Ricki. I could never do that to a friend."

* * *

Jack was on a total high. Caroline was incredibly fun to be with. She was smart and witty and it didn't hurt that she was incredibly attractive. He found her easy to talk to in the same way he did with Gabrielle. And she didn't seem to mind that he had the foulest reputation when it came to women, or that several of her colleagues had given her crap about going out with him. As far as she was concerned, he had gone above and beyond to save her life.

After dinner, he took her to a comedy show he knew of and liked and held her hand the way through, surprisingly nervous because it had been a while since he had held a woman's hand without it being a calculated act of seduction, and then, because neither of them wanted to go home, to a twenty-four-hour cafe where they talked for hours until he realized she was asking him quite a bit about Sydney and she revealed she'd only moved here from Melbourne a few months ago and so many of the iconic sights were yet to be visited. "So you've never been to the harbour?" he asked. He was a Sydney boy through-and-through and the idea that someone could live here and never have seen the place the country was first settled from boggled him.

Caroline shook her head. "I've been meaning to but something always comes up. To tell the truth, this city can be quite disorienting. I knew Melbourne like the back of my hand and you'd think a big city's just a big city but everything is so much more fast-paced here. It's a lot to take in."

He flashed a smile at her. "Well, I know Sydney like the back of my hand and you can't even _pretend_ to belong here until you've gone to the harbour." He checked his watch. Jesus Christ, was that the time? It was past three already. "I'm sorry, I've kept you up half the night," he apologized. She hadn't realized it was so late - or early, rather - either, she was having such a good time. "If you don't need to be home for anything, I can take you now. It's so pretty at night."

Caroline was only too willing to go with him, and she started to lean into him when he threaded her fingers through hers. He pulled away immediately. "Sorry, my fault. I should have gone on your other side," and she's realized she's almost leaned her body weight against his taped-up ribs.

"Sorry," she said.

"I knew when I asked you out I wasn't going to be up for much physically. That's not your fault, that's mine for not wanting to wait. Just... do me a favour and don't push against me." Even though he's already moved to her left so he was on her right, she automatically pulled away from him. He yanked gently on her arm. "You don't need to pull away. Just let me do all the work, OK? You learn how to position yourself pretty quickly when the alternative is pain."

"OK," she said shyly, pleased that he'd said he'd chosen to risk setting back his recovery because he hadn't wanted to wait the weeks it would take to get fully well.

He took her down to the harbour - it really was pretty at night - and they sat down on the and kept talking. She was disappointed that he didn't try to touch her other than holding her hand. This was the infamous Jack Quade, who had slept with dozens - maybe hundreds - or women, and he wasn't interested in even kissing her? He's said it was because she was still kind of his patient while she was in hospital, and she had accepted that, but what was his excuse now?

She faked a shiver. That one had always worked back home. "Cold?" he asked. She nodded. "I'll go get the blanket from my car, I'll just be a sec," he said, and disappointed flooded her. She's thought things were going so well. Maybe he'd decided they were destined to be just mates. But he had flirted with her and brought her lunch and she could have sworn they had serious chemistry, but - more than once she had overheard women complaining that there was no way to tell what was going on in Jack's head sometimes, and now she understood. She wondered if maybe her colleagues in pathology had been right to try and warn her off him.

Jack got back shortly after and went to wrap the blanket around her then decided he had wasted enough time wondering how to make the next move so he sat down behind her and brought the blanket around both of them, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. "How's that?" he asked.

She was careful not to move against him. "Much warmer," she said, using that husky voice she knew men liked. Jack responded by letting one arm fall to her lap and taking her had in his. The good thing about his current physical condition was that she had to be passive while he could shower her with attention.

"I'm not too good at this dating thing," he admitted guiltily. "If I overstep the mark, please tell me." She nodded, anticipation building. He ran his mouth over the side of her neck. _Take your time_, he told himself. _Don't screw this up._ But it was the very fact that he was taking his time which was getting him worked up. He couldn't do much more than kiss her, didn't even want to... but having her so close to him, well, you couldn't be a straight male and not have _some _thoughts.

She shivered, and not from the cold. Part of her wanted him to hurry up and part wanted it to last as long as it could. She suddenly wished she'd decided to wear the pants and shirt that were her original choice rather than the dress she was in now, because when he ran his fingers across her abdomen she wished it was across bare skin.

Jack took his time with her neck, her jaw line, her ear until finally nudging her head so she turned to face him. He planted soft kisses across her face until she was whimpering. God, he missed the sound of making women feel good about themselves. The screwing around wasn't good for his emotional health, but neither was his self-imposed celibacy. And just holding her and kissing her felt nicer then all the mindless screwing he'd done leading up to his resignation. This felt... _untainted_.

He finally kissed her mouth, running his tongue over her lips, willing her to open her mouth. Not that she needed much willing. And having to let him make all the moves didn't exclude her from running her fingers through his hair, did it? And based on the whimpering sound that was coming from the back of his throat, he seemed to like it... she ran her fingers down the back of his neck, under the collar of his shirt... he whimpered louder, and it was intoxicating, making him react like this.

He maneuvered himself so he was on top of her, knees on either side of her thighs, leaving space between their bodies while managing to deepen the kisses. Part of him felt like he was fourteen again and eager to get it on... and part of him wanted to take it slow...

He felt Caroline running her hands the length of his back, pulling his shirt out of his pants, sliding her hands inside and over his bare skin... ¨What happened here?¨ she asked.

¨Told you my step-mother hated me,¨ he grunted. He didn´t like this conversation, although it always came up, spoken or unspoken. You couldn´t really make out with someone and hide the scars that had been caused by ten years of his step-mother´s vicious attacks. But at least Caroline wasn´t pretending like they weren´t there, which was worse, or worst of all, flinching with disgust. He knew it wasn´t personal, knew most people were fortunate enough to never have been exposed to abuse, so they reacted to the scars of his childhood with disgust... but it still hurt when they did it.

¨You made it sound like she just yelled at you a lot.¨

"She did that too. Look, can we not talk about this? Not when I´m having such a good time... it´s been ages since I felt this good about myself."

She smiled at him. ¨Of course,¨ she said and kissed him. She continued running her hands along the bare skin of his back, making no distinction between the smooth and scarred skin. She had no idea how much this meant to Jack.

They watched the sunrise together before he took her home. ¨I had a fantastic time,¨ he said, kissing her goodbye at the door. ¨I´m free on Thursday if you are.¨

Jack really was too good to be true. Not only had she had a thoroughly enjoyable time - and boy, the guy knew how to kiss - but he was keen enough to want to secure another date before the first one was properly over. Eagerly she agreed to Thursday, even though everyone knew you played hard-to-get for the first few dates.

He kissed her goodbye one final time and walked back to his car, feeling better about himself than he could remember feeling in ages.

* * *

Dan was so eager to tell his newest piece of gossip but knew it was only fair that Cate or Ricki be told first - not only were they guaranteed to pass it on at the speed of lightning, but apart from Charlotte and Gabrielle (neither of whom gossiped) no-one knew Jack well enough to appreciate what his latest actions meant.

He was just about ready to text Ricki at home when Cate came in with an ambulance patient. ¨Hey, guess what?¨ Dan asked, chomping at the bit to share his news. Cate, naturally, had no idea. ¨Jack didn´t get in until six this morning. _And _he was glowing.¨

¨You sure?¨ Cate asked. ¨You said he´s a terrible insomniac. You couldn´t just have heard him prowling around?¨

¨Nope, he walked in the door as I was leaving. He hadn´t been home all night.¨ Dan was sorry he hadn´t been able to come out with an excuse to check to see if Jack´s bed had been slept in, but he doubted it. The fact he´d come home in the same clothes he´d left in, nervous as hell about his date with Caroline, testified to that.

Cate digested the information. ¨You think we can get him to spill?¨

¨Yeah, if I thought that would work, I would already have asked him. You know how anal he is about his privacy.¨

Cate laughed. Yes, she knew. Her friend Jo had once deeply distressed him when she had come onto him quite aggressively. Jack didn´t like aggressive women and he didn´t like people in his personal space uninvited - he had refused to spend time at Cate´s house until Jo had left. ¨Maybe Bec knows something.¨

¨She won´t tell us, either.¨

¨We could always tell her we´ll make sure Rachel knows.¨

¨Ha, then she´d just make stuff up in the hope it gets back to her.¨

¨In the hope what gets back to me?¨ Rachel asked, coming up behind them.

Cate and Dan looked immediately guilty and Rachel guessed she´d caught them gossiping. And if her name had come up, it had something to do with Jack. ¨Nothing,¨ Dan mumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets.

¨This have something to do with Jack and that - that patient of his?¨ Rachel asked. It made her feel a little better to think of Caroline as Jack´s patient, that he was up to his unethical ways when it came to women.

¨Look, I was just saying Jack came in at six this morning absolutely glowing and we want to know how it went.¨

Rachel frowned. Although Jack was being discreet - it was Dan who wasn´t - it still hurt to think of him with someone else. ¨So he got laid, this is Jack, he´s not exactly a virgin.¨

¨No, that´s not it, the point is he _didn´t _get laid,¨ Dan corrected her.

¨And how would you know this?¨ But Rachel knew that if anyone knew Jack´s sexual habits, it was Dan.

¨For starters, Jack won´t jeopardize his recovery to get laid. And secondly, he has the warped sense of honour when it comes to sex. He has to spend the night with her. He may not call the next day but he will spend the night. That´s why I say it´s strange. He liked her enough to be out all night with her even when he knew sex wasn´t an option. I´ve never known him to be that keen on someone.¨ He saw Rachel flinch and he realized too late he should have kept his mouth shut and let her believe he was up to his old love-´em-and-leave-´em tricks. ¨I´m sorry, you shouldn´t have had to hear that.¨

¨It´s fine, Dan,¨ Rachel said as breezily as she could. ¨Besides, you´re forgetting I made his precious sister cry, remember? That put me out of the running ages ago. ¨And she walked off with as much dignity as she could muster, given how much it hurt to know that Jack was perfectly capable of caring about someone other than as a reciprocal for his lust - that someone just wasn´t her.

* * *

¨I hear you didn´t get home until eight in the morning?¨ Gabrielle asked Jack the following day. She had fully intended to let him come to her if he wanted to, but the hospital was buzzing with the fact Jack hadn´t gotten home from his date until early in the morning. And of course, it hadn´t stopped at six. Six had become seven, seven had become eight and by the time the story got done, eight would have become the whole day and Jack didn´t return home until Monday morning. ¨Big night, huh?¨

Jack looked pained. Bloody Dan, gossiping again. He was beginning to think it was time to move out. He adored the guy, as much as Jack was capable of feeling affection for another man, but he really stuck his nose into it at times. Plus, Ricki always being around made him feel more and more like a third wheel. ¨It was six, not eight, and I had a good time. She mentioned she´d never been to the harbour so I took her there to watch the sunrise. It was nice.¨

¨Nice, huh? Doesn´t sound like the Jack Quade we all know and love. You´re saying nothing happened?¨

¨If you mean did I sleep with her, no. I can´t afford to put that much strain on my ribs-¨ (that was, if he hadn´t been so self-conscious about the massive bruising that was taking its sweet time to fade) ¨-and anyway...¨ he trailed off, feeling he could never explain it. ¨Never mind.¨

There was a vulnerability there that piqued her interest. ¨No, tell me. Look, I´m sorry that I didn´t take you seriously. I guess it´s easy to give you crap given the past... I can´t see you taking her to bed on a first date. I think you´ve had enough one-night stands to last you a lifetime.¨

Jack smiled gratefully. ¨That´s exactly it,¨ he said. ¨I liked holding her hand and kissing her but I didn´t _want_ anything else - well, part of me did, but even if I _was _physically capable... it´s been ages since I was happy just being at first base. I felt like I didn´t have to prove anything and I could just enjoy kissing her.¨

Gabrielle was floored at Jack´s admission. Floored... and a little jealous. She knew Steve had never been happy just to kiss her. She felt a pang and told herself it was only because Jack was so happy and she was jealous of that. ¨I´m glad for you,¨ she said, and gave him a quick hug. ¨Oh, one thing, Rachel´s pretty upset. She hasn´t said anything but from what I can gather, Dan said a few things about how you seemed to really like Caroline and I think she still has feelings for you.¨

Jack grimaced. Sometimes he thought having Rachel on the ward was more trouble that it was worth. He wished he´d never touched her.

He managed a quiet moment with her later in the week in the coffee room. He´d had a grueling session with Karen about his treatment of Rachel and Karen had forced him to admit he had no idea what she´d seen in him. He regretted that things had turned out the way they had but what had it been about him that had infatuated her so much? Karen had guided him into admitting he didn´t have any idea what _any _woman saw in him. Well, not in any deep way. He got that he was young, not bad-looking and a surgeon, and that made him hot property as a boyfriend, but why anyone would want him for himself...

¨Can I ask you something?¨ he asked her in the coffee room in such a tone of voice that she stopped dead. She´d never heard him sound so reflective.

¨Shoot, but I reserve the right not to answer,¨ she said flippantly.

Jack bit his lip as he contemplated his words. Finally he just blurted out, ¨Why´d you sleep with me?¨

¨I´m sorry? I thought that was my line. Why are you asking me now?¨

But she didn´t sound angry, more curious than anything else, so Jack did his best to explain. ¨Everyone´s told me you had feelings for me - seems I was the only one out of the loop. And I don´t get why. I can´t remember saying much to you when it wasn´t strictly work and... I don´t get what it was you saw in me.¨

Rachel stared at him. Was he being serious? How could he not know what people saw in him? ¨I liked the way you always had your mates backs. I liked the way you were so fond of Charlotte and Zach. I thought it took a massive amount of integrity to step into the breach like that given you must´ve felt _something _about her pregnancy. I liked that it seemed you´d been knocked around a lot but were still such a decent human being. I liked the way you stayed with Travis 'til the end and I had hoped maybe I could be a friend for you when you needed one. I can´t believe you don´t know all this. Everyone raves about what a great guy you are – what's that ambos name, the one who got into some trouble the year before last?¨

¨Cate,¨ Jack supplied.

¨Cate. I remember asking about you and she raved about how protective you were of her when she was too out of it to protect herself. Said you used to drive her home, walk her to the door and overlook any advances she made at you. Do you know how many guys there are out there who wait for pretty blonds to get too drunk to care and then take advantage of them? I liked you because you seem to care about the people in your life and I had hoped you might care about me that way.¨

¨I´m sorry,¨ he said, with so much sincerity and regret that she couldn´t hate him anymore. Whatever hurt he had inflicted on her was nothing to the guilt he was creating for himself.

¨It was my fault. You say everyone knew I had feelings for you? Well, everyone knew you´d been in a dark place for a while. People tried to warn me not to get too close but I thought you really needed a friend - and I was too delusional to realize that if Cate and Charlotte couldn´t get through to you, what hope did a silly temp nurse have?¨

¨Oh, Rachel. It wasn´t you, it was me. I realize that´s cold comfort now but it´s the truth. Look, do you remember when you touched me here?¨ he slid his hand around to the small of his back. Rachel nodded. It was kind of hard to forget when you realized your lover had been badly abused, presumably as a child. ¨That´s my step-mother´s handiwork. She was never happy until she´d broken skin.¨ Rachel flinched at the description. ¨You reacted the same way when you felt the scars. I know it´s only human nature, most people are too sheltered to comprehend that kind of cruelty. I think that´s why Charlotte and I get on so well, she´s had to fight like hell to establish her personal identity. And she´s one of the few women who didn´t flinch when they touched me there.¨ Terri had been another, so had Deanna, although Jack had long since doubted if her reaction had been genuine or just the realization she couldn´t alienate him by reacting with horror. And then of course there was Caroline. ¨Some of the time, if I´m keen enough, I can get over it enough to keep seeing them, but most of the time it hurts too much.¨

And in an instant Rachel realized Jack´s pain was far beyond her comprehension, far beyond her own humiliation. He was right, she was too sheltered to ever really know him, too sheltered to ever really understand the kind of loneliness that came from having to fight for self-identity. She wondered if this was part of what had drawn him to Gabrielle, that Gabrielle doubted her own self-worth after the love of her life had proved singularly useless at making her feel special, loved, respected... Jack had humiliated her but hadn´t dented her sense of self-worth, not the way it got smashed when someone who was supposed to have your back got in early and took to it with a belt and satisfaction in breaking the skin.

She suddenly understood why he would never care about her the way she wanted him too. And she was OK with that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Firstly, thanks to the awesome let1986 for betareading my work and correcting my awful spelling :p**

**Secondly, I've said this before, but for frack's sake, if m/m peodophile rape makes you squeamish, then don't read.**

Jack was checking his patient´s vitals when he realized Evan Fallon was shaking with sobs he was trying to conceal. He was on his side, his back facing Jack. ¨Mate, you OK?¨ he asked, that stupid question people always ask when someone is quite obviously not OK.

¨Go away,¨ Evan said.

Jack pulled up the chair next to the bed. He had no intention of going away. He had been back in the ED about four months now and honed his skills for working through a patient´s personal as well as medical problems. So many of their health issues stemmed at least in some part from personal issues. ¨You wanna talk?¨ he asked.

¨You wouldn´t have the first clue of what I´m going through.¨

¨Try me,¨ Jack said gently. It couldn´t possibly be worse than having to admit at age twenty-one, he´d been so ashamed of being a virgin that he´d gone to a prostitute.

Evan turned around violently to face Jack, his face streaked with tears. ¨You wouldn´t know how I feel, I bet you´d been with more women by the time you were my age that I ever will.¨

Evan´s insight momentarily stunned Jack and he wondered if the younger man was just lashing out or there was something about him that he wore his sexuality around him as obviously as a high-visibility vest. He wouldn´t have been the first victim of sexual abuse who did. _I am straight. See how many women I´ve slept with? _¨You´re probably right,¨ Jack admitted. He´d been in the dozens by twenty-one, something a lot of men didn´t achieve and something a man as introspective as Evan probably wouldn´t. ¨Don´t think it´s made me any happier for it.¨

There was a tone in Jack´s voice that made Evan stop crying. ¨I don´t understand.¨

¨You´re right, there´ve been a lot of women,¨ Jack admitted. ¨Several dozen in the last three years.¨ Ever since Charlotte had miscarried. ¨And only two I really cared about and neither of them cared about me the way I wanted them to. People place so much value on men clocking up this massive score card when in truth, I´d trade it for a few decent relationships.¨

¨You´re making that up.¨

"I am not. People place far too much value on this idea that men should be all macho and out there raking up notches on the bedpost. My housemate is a huge gaming geek and has slept with about five women and he's engaged to this gorgeous, amazing woman and the two of them are so disgustingly happy I could puke. I´d trade all the women I´ve been with for that in a heartbeat if I could. And this girl you were telling me about sounds pretty special."

Evan closed his eyes and smiled. ¨Yeah, she is,¨ he said.

Jack knew given any encouragement Evan would start talking about her and not stop. And Jack was not in the mood to deal with someone else disgustingly in love. Dan was bad enough. ¨Look, I made a few calls and I´ve been told this guy is really good with people who have sexual repression.¨ One good think about having to be put through the emotional wringer with one of the country´s best sexual trauma psychiatrists was that she had been able to reel of a list of them who specialized in men like Evan.

¨A shrink, you mean? I don´t need a shrink.¨

¨Tell you what, I´ll do you a deal. You at least talk to him and I´ll give you some tips about sex.¨

Evan looked at him warily. He was sure Jack knew a lot and he needed all the advice he could get. Reluctantly, he agreed. ¨OK, first tip. For the love of God, unless you know them and trust them, use a condom. You´re playing Russian roulette and while the odds might be in your favour, when you luck out, the consequences can be catastrophic.¨

Gabrielle overheard the conversation, impressed. She never would have thought someone like Jack could relate to someone like Evan, and yet, his explanation made perfect sense. Sleeping around didn´t make him happy and she wondered if it had ever made anyone happy - it certainly hadn´t worked for Steve. And Dan and Ricki _were _so disgustingly happy that sometimes you wanted to puke.

She passed Jack in the carpark a few hours later, leaning on the edge of his bonnet. ¨I know you love your job, Jack, but hanging around in the carpark is a bit much, don´t you think?¨ she asked teasingly.

¨Funny. I´m waiting for Caroline. She doesn´t have a car and I drive her home when I can, I don´t like her going home by herself.¨

Typical Jack. ¨You did really well with Evan,¨ she said admiringly. ¨Getting him to see a shrink was a great idea.¨

Jack shrugged. ¨He´s fundamentally a good person, just not confident about himself sexually.¨

¨Did you mean what you said, about it not having made you happy?¨ she asked.

¨Yeah. I didn´t realize it at the time but I was just screwing around and had nothing meaningful in my life. I think the kid´ll be happy with this girl of his if he can get over his insecurity. It´s nothing to be ashamed of and I wish someone had tried to make me understand that instead of encouraging me. God, too many people think it´s the mark of a man, how many women he´s been with when I´d give anything to have what Dan and Ricki have.¨

¨Speaking of which-¨ Like everyone, she was secretly dying to know if he and Caroline were sleeping together. But Jack never talked about her unless she came to Cougars with them and then it was obvious they were a couple. It had been over two months now which had to be a personal record for Jack, but all Dan had managed to work out was that Jack never spent the whole night out when Dan was home. Of course, Jack could just be waiting for Dan to have a night shift just to delight in outsmarting him. Dan was half-convinced Jack would do such a thing.

¨We're not sleeping together but don´t tell Dan that. I´m thoroughly enjoying making him guess.¨

Gabrielle laughed. Dan really _was_ a compulsive gossip. ¨Is that you´re choice or hers?¨ she asked.

¨Hers. I think she´s a bit reluctant to make that kind of commitment to me, given I don´t exactly have a great track record when it comes to the women I sleep with.¨¨

¨She should trust you more. It´s been, what, two months?¨

Jack shrugged. ¨I don´t mind. I guess I could seduce her if I wanted but I want her to be comfortable with it. I don´t want to fuck this up.¨

¨You won´t, you care about her too much. Everyone can see that.¨

They chatted a little while longer before Caroline came out. They said their goodbyes and impulsively, Jack hugged her. He liked that she had faith in him and his ability to do the right thing by Caroline. He liked that she´d complimented him on his dealings with Evan.

¨Hey, you,¨ he greeted her warmly. He went to hug her, and she pulled away after a second. ¨What´s up?¨

¨I can smell her on you.¨

¨Uh, yeah, that would be 'cos I just hugged her.¨

¨You´re always talking about her.¨

¨I am not!¨

¨Yes, you are. Whenever I ask you about work, it´s always Gabby this and Gabby that. And you never tell me what you´re always talking about.¨

¨That´s ´cos it´s mostly work stuff and I can´t talk to you about that, it´s against confidentiality. And I respect her a lot as a nurse and a mate.¨

¨A mate who´s slept in your arms.¨

¨If I´d known you were going to throw that in my face I´d never have told you. Get in the car, I´ll take you home.¨ Jack´s tone told her he had no intention of lingering once he dropped her off.

¨I didn´t peg you as the jealous type,¨ he said quietly after an awkward silence that seemed to go on forever.

¨I´m not jealous.¨

¨Yes, you are. Why else would you be upset when I hug a mate? It´s not like there´s ever been anything between us.¨

¨Really? She´d be the only one in this goddamn hospital then.¨

¨That´s not fair.¨

She knew it wasn´t, but she was too upset over the latest round of gossip she´d overheard to care. ¨You know what´s not fair, Jack? When people are surprised that we´re still together. When they make these sleazy little innuendoes that I must be a saint to put up with you being so pally with an ex and babysitting her son. When guys hit on me ´cos they figure I must be great in bed for you to still be with me.¨

¨Who´s hit on you?¨ he asked. Jack was known for being territorial about his girlfriends and saw someone hitting on them as a disrespect to both him and his relationship.

¨It doesn´t matter, they leave me alone when I tell them you don´t like it. And that´s not the worst. They say - I´ve heard people say you must be still playing around.¨

¨And you´re stupid enough to listen to them?¨ Jack hadn´t meant to call her stupid, but he was deeply offended she thought so little of him even to bring it up. He´d never cheated in his life. ¨And besides, in order to cheat on you, I´d have to be sleeping with you.¨ It was a childish point and one without a lot of merit but he thought it was hypocritical of her to accuse him of cheating when she held him at arm´s length whenever he tried to get her bra off.

¨I can´t believe you just equated a relationship with sex!¨

¨I can´t believe you´d ever think I was cheating on you!¨ He´d told her about his dad and step-mum and how he never wanted to put someone through that kind of grief. ¨I´m in love with you, I wouldn´t do that to you.¨

¨You´re in _love_ with me?¨ she whispered, almost reverently, her anger forgotten.

¨Why d'you think I´ve stuck around this long? I´ve never waited this long for someone,¨ he added quietly.

¨Oh, God, Jack... I knew you _liked_ me, but not that you were in love with me. God... I´m so sorry. I didn´t mean anything I said. I just get so angry when people talk about us... it´s like being Brangelina only without all the money.¨

¨What´s a Brangelina?¨

She often forgot he had next to no knowledge of popular culture. ¨It doesn't matter. ¨ She realized _this_ was why she´d held out on him, scared to make a commitment to someone known for his complete lack of commitment. She leaned over and squeezed his thigh suggestively. ¨Why don´t you stay a while when we get home?

That heady combination of the familiar and the strange. Familiar, because all women had the same anatomy and strange because they all had their own subtleties. he softness of her breasts under his hands, the hardness of her nipples. The taste of her skin. Her panting as she became breathless. Her legs wrapped around his waist, her nails on his skin when her hands weren´t running down his back. Her warm wetness and the way she raised her hips to meet his, the way her whimpers became increasingly frantic as he brought her to orgasm, the way she clung to him while she was coming and afterwards until he had to ask her to let him go or the condom might slip off. She let him go reluctantly and cuddled up to him straight after. ¨I knew you´d be good,¨ she purred. ¨How was it?¨

¨Nice.¨

She frowned. No girl - or guy for that matter - wanted to hear ´nice´ after sex. She poked him gently. ¨Surely you can do better than that.¨

¨I´m sorry, I wasn´t saying you were bad or anything. I´ve never dated a woman for this long and it´s nice to really know someone like this. That´s the best I can do at explaining.¨

It was a good enough answer for her. She cuddled up closer and fell asleep.

He lay awake for a while longer, thinking. It hadn´t been the most amazing sex ever - that particular honour went to Deanna. But then, he had never really been sure if it had been able him or just getting him hooked on her. Truth be told, it had been a while since he´d had truly amazing sex.

With Caroline, it had been nice because he was in love with her. He could never explain that it had been nice because it felt untarnished. But that´s what it had been. If he could have chosen his first time, it would have been something like this. A little passion but more about respect and affection.

Was he wrong in thinking this? Should he consider himself lucky that he was able to have 'nice', loving sex, not the tarnished fucking that left him feeling a bit dirty afterwards that had become his trademark? He knew he should be grateful. But somehow, he wanted more than that.

He wanted the passion he´d had with Deanna and the feeling of being in love that - well, that he´d had with Deanna. Caroline murmured in her sleep and Jack realized he´d tightened his grip around her, remembering, still, how humiliated he´d felt to find out about her deception. With the inroads Karen had made into his ability to recognize his destructive patterns of behaviour, he wondered if her deception had anything to do with his disinclination towards emotional intimacy.

Oh, boy would Karen have a field day with _that_ thought

* * *

¨Jack didn´t come home last night,¨ Dan gleefully informed Erica from across the main area of the ED. He knew he should have waited until he didn´t have to talk over such a distance but it really was too good to keep to himself. ¨_And_ he came home looking pretty exhausted. _And_ he had scratches all down his back. I thought pathologists were meant to keep their nails short, like the rest of us.¨

¨Did he say anything?¨Like Dan, Erica knew they shouldn´t gossip so openly, but this was really too good _not_ to gossip about. Jack´s private life had been too long a subject of public interest and the gossip vine was abuzz about his public relationship with Caroline and whether or not they had done the deed.

¨Course not. But I live with the guy, I know when he gets laid. About bloody time, too. I don´t think it´s natural for him to go so long without getting laid. Wonder what he had to do to get her to agree.¨

News spread quickly and by the time Dan was ready to knock off for the day Jack came storming in. ¨You, come with me. You are going to publicly announce to the entire pathology that you are a compulsive gossip and have an extraordinary interest in my sex life given you´re an engaged straight man.¨

Dan visibly paled under the heat of Jack´s anger. Caroline had called him, alternating between tears and threats of breaking up with him after someone had spread it all about the hospital that she had put out for the biggest womanizer on hospital staff. It didn´t take a genius to figure out who the leak was. Jack was furious. Not only had Dan upset his girlfriend but he´d blabbed about Jack´s private life, which Jack hated. He could usually tolerate it, understood Dan was a gossip, it was who he was, but this was too much. ¨Mate, it was just a joke,¨ he stammered.

¨Come, now, or the next joke is the best story Bec can come up with about your gay tendencies.¨ Rebecca wrote awful, Virginia Andrews-type stories for a pastime.

¨You wouldn´t dare.¨

¨You´d be surprised what I´d dare when someone makes my girlfriend cry.¨ Dan suddenly remembered how aggressive Jack had been with Rachel when he´d found out Rachel hadn´t passed on a message from Rebecca and made her panic with worry. Jack got like that with any woman he cared about, and unfortunately Dan had made the mistake of not including Caroline in with what he and Erica joking referred to as ´Jack´s blond mafia´ - Rebecca, Charlotte and Cate, women he cared for deeply and would do anything to protect. If Jack had been willing to hit a girl a fair bit smaller than him over one of ´his girls´ then he wouldn´t think twice about hitting Dan. And Gabrielle probably wouldn't intervene like she had with Rachel. He could see Gabrielle glaring at him right now.

¨OK, I´m coming,¨ he said in a small voice, aware that Jack had probably already typed up an elaborate and very damning confession. And probably already had his camera phone switched to ´film´. But it was better than being decked. Or being labeled as gay. He knew living with Jack that once you got a bad sexual reputation, it never really went away.

Besides, he _did_ kind of deserve it.

¨Sorry, Gabby,¨ Jack apologized to her later when he was done humiliated Dan as thoroughly as he felt Caroline had been humiliated. ¨I keep blowing up at your staff. But - Christ, someone called her a whore. And if Dan had just kept his bloody trap shut-¨

¨It´s OK. I had a casual chat with my staff and even Rachel agrees Dan was way out of line. When someone on the receiving end on your temper doesn´t even have sympathy, I think that makes you in the right.¨

She´d had a weird day. She and Steve had dealt with a patient who´d awoken after several years from a coma only to not recognize his own wife. They had talked her into sticking by him despite the rejection she had felt, and eventually, he had remembered small details. It made her uncomfortable to be so close to Steve, to really connect with him - and to know that line couldn´t be crossed. He wouldn´t be fit for a relationship for at least another six months, and she knew she would always doubt his ability to be faithful. Then he´d handed her a flower that he´d been given as a ´gift´. Who the hell gave such gifts to their ex-girlfriends? Steve Taylor, apparently.

Funny thing was, when she had confronted him on his latest accusations, he had admitted to it. He had resented what he referred to as ´Quade´s spying´ but didn´t deny it. And, alcoholic or not, she knew she could never fully trust a man who had cheated on her, not once, but twice.

Jack sighed in frustration. ¨Thing is, I actually get why he does it. He´s so disgustingly in love and so public about it and that´s his standard so he thinks it´s natural to be public about my relationship. And I hate it. My private life is my private life, holding her hand is about as public as I get.¨ He raked his hand through his hair. ¨I don´t think I can live with him much longer. It´s not just this, it´s that ever since they got engaged - before that, actually - I´ve felt like a third wheel in my own home. Dan´s not exactly the best when he has someone. He all but locked me out of the house when he was involved with Bianca.¨

Gabrielle heard the touch of bitterness in his voice. She couldn´t blame him. Bianca Frost was a user and a cow - she´d had to ban her from the ward because she was so dismissive of the nurses - and Dan had acted badly over it. Suddenly, she had a flash of inspiration. She was after a housemate herself, she was only just meeting the mortgage repayments and an extra hundred or so each week would be appreciated - and as far as it went, Jack was a neat freak, so much so that it irritated Dan. And a good cook. Who could ask for more?

Plus, if Jack was living with her, Steve would think twice about showing up because he wanted her company. While she was sure she didn´t qualify as a member of the blond mafia, she knew Jack cared about her and disliked Steve for the way he had treated her. He´d think twice before making any more romantic gestures. ¨I have a free room,¨ she volunteered shyly. ¨You can move in, if you want to. I mean, it´s pretty small but...¨

¨I don´t need a lot of space. Just enough for a queen bed and a bookshelf.¨ He only really used his room for sleeping and storing his books - of which he had many.

¨That I can do. It´ll be a squeeze though,¨ she admitted.

¨Squeeze I can do. Can I see it first?¨

¨Of course. How about... now?¨ she suggested. She knew they were both about to knock off so she may as well try to talk him into a sale while she was ultra-enthusiastic about it.

She hadn´t lied about it being small. But he checked the dimensions, it was big enough for what he needed, a queen, dresser, wardrobe and bookshelf. He would never forget having to squish his tall body into a single. He´d complained to his dad, but they didn´t have the money, Ned had said. Yeah, right. They had the money to send his oldest brother to police school but not for at least a queen single?

¨You OK?¨ Gabrielle asked, noticing Jack´s whole attitude seemed to go very negative all of a sudden.

¨Fine. Just reminded of something unpleasant.¨

¨Do you mind me asking what?¨

So he found himself telling her about how Stella hated him and made sure there was never a spare dollar where Jack was concerned - but plenty for his brothers, _her_ children. How being cramped in a single bed when he was one-seventy-five at fifteen was the least of the indignities he´d had to suffer. How her hatred of him and her alcohol abuse were both so apparent that when she´d showed up to his ten am emancipation interview and spouted a vitriolic of such hatred that the state worker had done everything he could to not only push the emancipation through but get Jack the best government support available. "I´m still trying to accept that it wasn´t my fault she hated me so much," he admitted.

She patted him on the back. No point in confirming that, it was something he would have to come to accept for himself. But she did say, "The more I learn about you, the more I´m floored you turned out as well as you did."

He accepted her pat gratefully. The more time he spent with Gabrielle, the more comfortable he was around her.

He decided to take the room.

* * *

"You OK, sweetheart?"

"I´m fine."

"Then go to sleep or I´ll have to go home. I can´t sleep with you squirming around and I have to be up in six hours." Jack´s voice was gentle but reproachful. He hated the idea of leaving her in the middle of the night but Frank would kill him if he showed up tired from spending the night with his girlfriend.

So Caroline settled, but she didn´t sleep. Instead, she lay awake thinking about Jack´s accepting Gabrielle´s offer of a room. She heartily approved of him moving out of Dan´s place, she didn´t think he was very loyal to Jack. But why did it have to be Gabrielle?

She knew she didn´t have any say in it, knew after how hurt he´d been when she´d first brought up his closeness to the nurse that it wasn´t something she could bring up again. But, as childish and insecure as it sounded, she didn´t like how close they were. Rebecca, she could deal with. Everyone knew their closeness was more characteristic to maternal twins rather than half-siblings seven years apart. But Gabrielle was something different entirely. He spent more time through working with her than he did with Caroline, and now that he´d be living with her.

She had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

"Something wrong, mate?" Gabrielle asked concerned, padding out of her bedroom to the living room where Jack was curled up on the couch with a thick book.

He gave a startled jump. An avid reader, he'd been lost in it. "Sorry," he said guiltily. "Am I keeping you awake? I'll take a diazepam if you need to sleep."

"I wasn't sleeping, I just heard you come in ages ago and not go to bed, I was worried if something was wrong."

"No, I just suffer from insomnia from time to time and I try to just ride it out rather than take something for it." By 'something', Gabrielle knew he meant the diazepam he'd become increasingly dependent on to sleep in the last year.

She scooted over to the couch and he drew his knees up against his chest to make room for her. It was a common position for him to pull himself into, she thought, kind of like a sitting-up fetal position. "Nice jammies," he noted dryly. She was wearing old tracksuit pants and a t-shirt that had definitely seen better days.

Gabrielle poked her tongue out. "My parents thought girls should wear frilly nighties." She made a face. "Never want to see one of them again. I like being comfortable. Besides –" she held out her hand to run her fingers over the material of Jack's pajamas. "What's this, silk?"

He shot her a pointed look. "It's a blend of cotton and satin. I like being comfortable, too." He smiled ruefully. "OK, I like having nice stuff. Hate hand-me-downs."

"Didn't mean to get on a nerve."

"You didn't."He put the book down so he could accommodate her easier in his arms. "You smell nice," he blurted out, then immediately felt embarrassed. "Sorry, didn't mean to overstep the mark." It was just that he had never seen her in such a casual context before, where the smell of scented soap and shampoo wasn't completely overpowered by the smell of hospital-grate soap and disinfectant. God, if Caroline had heard him just then–

"It's fine." She didn't add that it was nice to be found attractive in the least bit, even if Jack meant it in on the most general of ways. After all, there was always Caroline, and that was a line he would never cross.

But it was nice to be appreciated, nonetheless. In fact, it was nice just being with Jack. Every so often she was surprised at just how nice it was. She couldn't remember being so relaxed around a person, the feeling that someone had her back...

She started to drift off and she felt Jack nudge her in the ribs. "I am not having you fall asleep on me again," he said. "Once I can explain

to Caroline. Two and I'm going to find myself single."

"It touches me to know where your priorities lie," Gabrielle quipped, but got off him, because she knew better than most how much it hurt to question the fidelity of someone you loved."What´s all this?" Gabrielle asked, pleasantly surprised to come home and find the house wafting with delicious hot smells. Her stomach immediately cramped with hunger. Whatever Jack had going, it smelled a lot nicer than last night´s leftover curry.

Jack grinned sheepishly, caught out at his surprise. "You´re not meant to be home for another hour."

"Yeah, things were actually quieter that usual so Zoe let me go. What are you making?"

"Spicy pork tenderloins with sweet potato mash and rosemary jus."

Gabrielle stared at him. "Kay, you´re gonna have to explain that one in simple country terms."

"Meat and potatoes."

She laughed. "Now you´re just being a snob." But she didn´t take any offense. She´d been kind of looking forward to whatever Jack could whip up; Dan seemed more sorry for the loss of Jack´s cooking skills than the fact Jack had been deeply offended Dan had gossiped about him so much. And it had been ages since anyone had cooked for her; Steve was about as talented in the kitchen as Dan. "Smells amazing."

Jack pushed out a bottle of red and a glass. He already had one next to him. "You have just enough time for a bath if you want," he said.

"Think I´m going to enjoy living with you," she said. Steve had never thought to do something as sweet as takeout so she didn´t have to cook, let alone whip up something elaborate.

"Don´t think you´ll get this every night," he responded with a grin. "I just wanted to say thanks for having me."

"That´s sweet, Jack, but you don´t need to thank me. You´re doing me a favour. I could do with the money and the company... and someone to share the cooking with, too." But she kissed him on the cheek to show him she was grateful and went and had her bath.

After dinner they ended up on the couch, talking over a movie. "You look beat," she said sympathetically. "Do you mind-" she reached over to run her hand across his back before she´d even gotten his permission. "Jesus, you´re tense," she said.

"It´s nothing." He tried to shrug her off but she persisted. She moved so she was slightly behind him and tried to rub his back. It was like a wall of sore, tired muscles. He had to be in agony.

"Gabby, stop it," he insisted, tensing up even more. His back may have been aching but he didn´t like being touched from behind.

"You need to relax."

"Not this way, I don´t," he snapped. He could feel her pulling away and he grabbed her hand. "Look, I´m sorry. It´s nothing personal. I just don´t like being touched from behind. I don´t like not being able to see the person."

"Because of Stella?" she asked. He nodded. It was close enough to the truth. He would forever associate someone touching him from behind with abuse. "You must have accumulated some serious intimacy issues over the years." He nodded again; again, it was close enough to the truth. "Do you mind me asking how you ever overcame them?"

'Overcame' was a relative word, he knew. He couldn´t sleep on his stomach, didn´t like anyone touching him from behind and slept around to make himself feel secure in his heterosexuality. But he had learnt to enjoy being touched under certain circumstances. "Mostly I rely on my senses - well, four of them anyway, touch taste, smell feel. Think sight´s kind of overrated when it comes to sex. If I close my eyes I can feel and hear more acutely and touch becomes that much more intimate. Voice, especially, I focus on the fact that it´s not Stella coming to hurt me. I realize that sounds vaguely incestuous, focusing on a woman _not_ being my step-mother, but it works for me."

Gabrielle made a noise of understanding and Jack asked her what it was. "Rachel was really insulted you kept your eyes shut. She thought maybe you were thinking of someone else."

"I was an asshole but not _that_ much of one." Or at least, he hadn´t been thinking about another woman; mostly he´d thought about how much it hurt to have the only person in the world who knew what Patrick had put him through lost to him forever.

Gabrielle sensed his thoughts were drifting to something melancholy. "Look, if you say talking works, why don´t we try that?"

"I´m sorry?"

"How does it work? Do I just prattle?"

"You can´t be serious."

"I´m perfectly serious. You´ve got to all this effort for me and I want to do something for you if I can."

He thought about it and decided it was worth a shot. "Whatever comes to mind. It´s not about content so much as being able to focus on your voice. Tell me about farm life." He moved slightly forward so Gabrielle could get behind him. She started prattling about growing up in the country and how Sydney had been so daunting when she´d first arrived. She dug her fingers into his neck and was surprised that he didn´t flinch. He had to be in serious pain and her hands digging into his sore muscles had to be exacerbating the pain. Of course, she didn´t know that being repeatedly raped over two years had jacked up his pain threshold to something most people wouldn´t be able to stand.

After a few minutes she could feel him relax slightly. It was working. "Tell you what, why don´t be do this properly? Go to your room and take your shirt off. I think I have some massage oil somewhere."

He immediately tensed up again. "My scars," he whispered, and he suddenly felt very ugly.

She slid her arms around his front so she could hug him. He didn´t try to pull away. "There is nothing ugly enough to make me think any less of you," she said with quiet conviction. "Take your shirt off now and show me if you´re so concerned about it."

Reluctantly, he stood up, back to her, and unbuttoned his shirt, sliding it down his shoulders with so much reluctance you´d think he was being coerced into sex. Half a dozen thin, pale lines ran horizontally along his back. They were ugly, but they didn´t make _him_ ugly, a distinction he had always had trouble with. "The only ugly thing is how an adult could be so cruel to a child," she said with that same quiet conviction. She saw people who had been abused all the time, but never this up close and personal. "Go to your room, Jack. I´ll be there in a minute."

He was surprised how relieved he was that she hadn´t reacted with horror. Of course, she´d had fair warning and she would have at least _tried_ to conceal her feelings, but there was something in her tone that made him think she was being sincere. He went to his room and lay on his stomach, trying not to think about how much he hated being in this position _(get on your stomach, Jack, and I won´t make it any harder than it has to be) _as he waited for Gabrielle.

She came in a minute later, bottle in hand. He was tense, she could see that. _Poor guy_, she thought. She could actually _hear_ the swish of the belt slicing through the air before landing on his back, actually feel his fear as he waited for the first blow, his anguished sobs as he prayed for it to be over. She ran her hand over his bare back and flinched when he did, the feeling of being touched from behind bringing back painful memories. "It´s just me," she said, and he visibly relaxed to hear her voice.

She straddled him and poured oil onto her hands before rubbing it onto his back, prattling the whole time. After ten minutes Jack actually managed to engage in conversation. He was relaxing under her touch. "This feels so nice," he said after a while. He thought about asking Caroline to do it, and then felt a bit guilty, because he _knew_ she wouldn´t like him being so up close and personal with Gabrielle. But it wasn´t like they were doing anything _wrong_. It was just a backrub between mates... He groaned in appreciation as he felt that knot between his shoulder blades disappear. After a fashion, he enjoyed being touched by women and he trusted Gabrielle deeply. He felt himself relaxing in a way he hadn´t in ages, felt himself drifting off under the pleasurable sensation of her very capable hands...

She realized he had nodded off. She got off him, pleased with herself. She had just wanted Jack to relax enough to let her touch him - that he had been relaxed enough to fall asleep was a bonus.

She went into the bathroom to wash her hands. Then she came back to his room with a spare sheet and covered him with it. "Sweet dreams," she whispered before turning out the light and leaving the room.

_It was the same old nightmare that had haunted him for years. He woke up from a nap he´d taken in the spare room of Patrick Wesley´s house - a man Jack idolized as a replacement for his neglectful, alcoholic father - to realize he was lying on his stomach with his clothes off. He struggled to sit up and felt Patrick´s hands on this back. "Easy, Jack," Patrick said in a sinisterly a soothing voice that sounded like he was talking to a stubborn child rather than the latest victim for his pedophilic tastes. _

_Jack felt Patrick penetrate him digitally, and he realized with sick horror what was happening. He struggled and started to scream, which earned him a strong slap across his back. "You scream and I´ll gag you. You scream and I´ll make this harder than it has to be. You know you want this, you´ve been begging for it, begging for my attention." Patrick got another finger in and Jack choked back another scream._

_"I don´t" he sobbed. "Please, don´t. Please..."_

_"This will be a bit uncomfortable," Patrick said pleasantly. "Always is for your first time. If you don´t scream I´ll use lubricant and if you do I won´t, do you understand?"_

_Of course he understood. This was painful enough. Jack couldn´t comprehend the pain that was ahead but his mind had a pretty good idea and was already being consumed in a black cloud of terror. "Let me go," he sobbed. "I promise, I won´t say anything."_

_"Can´t do that, Jack. You´ve been begging for it for months, showing up here in your swimmers, begging for my attention, tempting me. You can´t back out now, you little pricktease."_

_"I am not!" Patrick responded to this little outburst with a rough push that made Jack groan in pain. He had no doubt Patrick would go through on his threat if he screamed, but it was so hard not to... "I don´t want this."_

_"Sure you do, you little faggot. You´re just pretending because you don´t want to admit what you are... I wonder how your dad would feel, knowing what you are?"_

_"I am not," he sobbed. "Am not..." He clenched his fists together and bit down on his lip hard enough to draw blood when Patrick made a few fumbled attempts to penetrate him. Oh, God, this was going to hurt. Jack thought about screaming but knew Patrick would come good on his promise and besides, what would his father think to know this was happening? The great Ned Quade, who wore his womanizing like a badge, would be horrified to know any son of this was in this position... maybe had tempted a man..._ had _he tempted Patrick? He didn´t think so. But what had he done to make him think this was what he wanted?_

_"Relax," Patrick ordered. "Or you're only going to make it harder for yourself. And for God´s sakes, if you must be a baby, face down into the pillow."_

_Jack did as he was told and was warpedly glad he did, because he couldn´t stop the blood-curdling, terrorized scream that escaped from his throat when Patrick finally succeeded in penetrating him. He´d known it would hurt but this - he was convinced Patrick intended to kill him. No way could he take this pain. It felt like he was being ripped apart over and over as Patrick penetrated and withdrew, penetrated and withdrew..._ awkward_? Try so far beyond any realm of pain he had ever known existed._

_"Stop!" Jack didn´t know if he was actually screaming or just screaming in his head; the pain made it hard to differentiate. "Please, stop, you´re killing me. I don´t want this, I don´t want this..."_

"Jack, wake up. _Please_, wake up," Gabrielle begged him. She had come into his room, awakened by the sound of his terrorized screams and she at once understood why he disliked being on his stomach so much. It wasn´t Stella´s beltings, although that couldn´t have helped. It was the memory of being raped. And she had left him on his stomach, pleased with herself for being able to make him relax.

The humanitarian in her wanted to shake him awake, anything to get him out of this nightmare ASAP. But survival instinct kicked in. He was so deeply lost in a terrible memory that she knew if she touched him, he would mistake her for his abuser. She knew the kind of strength that lay in that powerful body, and if Jack thought to wrap his hands around her throat... So she switched on the lights and pulled up the chair next to his bed, talking to him, pleading with him to come out of his nightmare, hoping her voice might lead him back to the land of the waking - and whatever passed for security in his life these days. "Jack, it´s Gabby. It´s 2008 and you´re having a nightmare. You´re safe. Please wake up..."

_"SHUT UP!" Patrick yelled at him. But Jack couldn´t shut up. He_ was _screaming in real life, and he couldn´t stop. The pain was unbearable._

_"Jack, wake up." His mind wavered between the pain and a third voice and instinct told him to follow the third voice. He collected his thoughts and tried to listen. _

"You´re twenty-seven and a doctor at All Saints. You drive Frank absolutely batty sometimes - actually, you drive us all a bit batty sometimes. But we still all love you so please-"

_Actually, he was almost twenty-eight. He remembered telling Gabrielle that twenty-eight was only two away from thirty, and it seemed he hadn´t accomplished much for almost-thirty..._

...He was almost twenty-eight and had just moved in with Gabrielle Jaeger. Patrick was dead, hadn´t been able to hurt him for over ten years and now would never hurt anyone again...

With a start, Jack woke up. He had a great intake of breath, his lungs still feeling deprived of oxygen from having his face buried in the pillow to muffle his screams. For a few seconds he panted, gobbling up fresh air as quickly as his lungs would expand and deflate. Then he felt the familiar churning of his stomach and-

Gabrielle handed him the waste-paper basket next to his bed, instinct making her almost familiar with Jack´s reactions to his nightmares as he was. He proceeded to throw up what had to be not only dinner but lunch and probably breakfast at first until his stomach rebelled at his mind´s attempts to bring up nothing but lining. Sobbing and spitting the last of the foulness out of his mouth, his apologized tearfully for waking her up.

Ha. As if _that_ was the least of her problems. A friend who´d been so badly sexually abused as to still be having nightmares God knew how many years later ranked a slightly higher priority than a missed night's sleep. "Go have a shower," she directed him. "I´ll clean up and change the bed for you."

Jack shook his head. "Please, just go back to sleep," he begged her. "I´ve been too much of an inconvenience already."

"Don´t be stubborn, Jack. You´ve been there for me when I needed a friend so don´t insult me now and push me away when you need someone. Go have a shower and I´ll fix everything."

He didn´t need to be told a third time. Keeping the sheet wrapped around him, even though it was drenched in sweat, he went to the bathroom, first digging out fresh clothes from his dresser.

Once he was gone, Gabrielle made quick work of Jack's room, opening the windows to let in the fresh air – and let out the awful smell of sweat, vomit… and humiliation. She wanted to sit down and cry to think about what had been done to him, and the only thing that stopped her was knowing he needed someone to be strong for him. She doubted he had ever had that.

As she emptied the basket and changed the sheets, her mind ticked over. She remembered a patient they had had last year, Patrick Wesley. He'd been admitted with multiple stab wounds, mostly to the groin area. She remembered thinking at the time that it was such a sexually-charged crime, a sexually-_rage_ charged crime, the kind of things the victims and their loved ones did to sexual predators.

It hadn't clicked as to how Jack was related to Travis Knight's involvement, and truth be told, at the time she hadn't put a lot of thought into it. It wasn't like she and Jack had been particularly close. Although she _did_ remember Dan being so determined that Jack shouldn't work on Patrick that he had called in Mike – Gabrielle hadn't understood it at the time. But it made sense that if Patrick was Jack's abuser, that Dan and Mike would be concerned for Jack's career – not to mention state of mind – should he operate on Patrick.

If Travis had killed Patrick, did that mean both he and Jack were Patrick's victims? How long had it gone on? How many boys had there been?

Jack came out of the bathroom almost half an hour later. He looked like he'd taken scrubbing brush to his skin and Gabrielle suspected it had actually been a nail brush. Her heart went out to him. A common expression among sexual abuse victims was how they felt the dirt never really washed away, but it was one thing to understand it professionally and another to see a good friend put himself through that…

He immediately reached for the bourbon and coke she had put on the table and she slapped his hand away. She had propped a plate of leftovers from dinner on the table and pointed to it. "You eat that and I'll let you get as drunk as you like."

"Please, I need a drink."

While Gabrielle knew alcohol was the last thing Jack needed, she also appreciated that sometimes there was no better source of relief from your demons; it would certainly bring him more comfort, at least temporarily, than any diazepam prescription would. "Eat first. You just threw up everything but your stomach lining. You drink now and you'll be in hospital having your stomach pumped. Can't see you being all that happy with a tube forced down your throat."

She had hit on a nerve without realizing it. "Go to hell," he muttered darkly, but ate anyway. She finally gave him the drink when he had finished the plate.

By this point, his hands were so badly shaking with fraught nerves that he couldn't hold the glass steady. "Easy," she said. She positioned herself behind him, bracing him with one arm around his chest and using her free hand to hold the glass to his mouth. But at least he was fully conscious and coherent, knowing where he was and who she was – and that she was doing more to help than all but a few ever had. He gulped in down in three goes and she started to pour him another, which he requested straight and downed just as quickly. When he asked for a third, she replied, "Not yet. Let that settle."

"You said I could get drunk," he said, a little childishly.

"And I meant it. But I did not say having your stomach pumped. Which is what will happen if you don't let those first two settle." She kissed the side of her head. She knew what Caroline would say if she saw them together, knew if the situation were reversed, she would be gutted, but knew she couldn't leave Jack to his demons.

She held Jack until he stopped shaking and his breathing became regular and she let him have another drink. "Thankyou," he said quietly, humbly. "I appreciate you doing this."

She hugged him tight enough to make him grunt in protest. "Sorry. Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really." There was a long pause as Jack gathered his thoughts – and the alcohol sank in deep enough for him to be able to open up to anyone but Karen – "I tried telling Stella what had happened but he'd already called home and said I'd stolen from him. She went off at me about lying about an _up-standing member of the community_ and kept making me go back."

Unconsciously, he sought Gabrielle's hand, threading his fingers through hers and squeezing tightly. Dimly, beyond the alcohol and his own pain, he knew this was something Caroline would never forgive him for, but right now, he needed the comfort Gabrielle was offering him too much to care. He felt his voice start to choke up but he needed to tell _someone_ who cared. "He told me to get on my knees and when I said I'd bite it off, he –" Gabrielle bit her lip to stop from yelling out when Jack applied more pressure to the hand he was holding "–he said I could get on my knees or I could get on my stomach." He closed his eyes, still remembering the humiliation. "I did it," he admitted shakily "I hated myself for it but I was still so sore and I didn't think I could take it again..."

The floodgates were open and for over an hour Jack alternatively cried and screamed and blurted out everything that had happened to him. It was difficult to hear but Gabrielle knew it was nothing compared with how difficult it must have been for Jack to live through and continue to live with.

Finally, he quietened, his tragic story told, from the two years, two dozen rapes and hundreds of blow jobs it had taken Patrick to move onto someone younger and less used then Jack to Patrick coming back into his life through pure bad luck to his reluctant alliance with Travis that had turned into a close friendship to Jack's out-of-control devastation at his loss to Mary reminding him how much he had loved being a doctor to that stupid contract with Frank which included that he see Karen Haynes once a week.

Not once did he leave the security of Gabrielle's arms. When he finally felt calm enough that his tears subsided and his breathing became regular, he said, "That's for doing this. Sorry I kept you up – you should go back to bed now."

"Do you want me to stay?"

Jack knew he should say no. He shouldn't be putting Gabrielle out like that, and he shouldn't be flirting with this line between friendship and infidelity. Hell, _flirting_? He had crossed it when he'd let her rub his back. But... he felt safe. He felt like Gabrielle was there, ready to fight for him, ready to make him feel safe... and he desperately needed to feel safe. Her embrace made him feel warm as if he'd been slowly freezing to death and she was a heated room. "If you don't mind," he said after a long time.

"Of course I don't." She let Jack shift them so he was spooning her; she figured it was best for him to dictate what he was most comfortable with. And she found as he cuddled up to her that it was a pleasant experience. It was only platonic, she kept telling herself, but platonic or not, no man had ever made her feel good the way Jack did.


	5. Chapter 5

Gabrielle woke up several hours later to the smells of hot food wafting through the house. Getting out of bed – Jack's bed – she padded through the corridor to the kitchen, where Jack was cooking up a storm. She wondered how he would feel about her this morning. He'd completely bared his soul to her, cried in her arms, exposed all his vulnerabilities. It took a strong person to not pretend it didn't happen the next day.

He looked up at her, sensing rather than seeing or hearing her, and smiled. She wondered if he ever smiled at Caroline like that – warm, intimate, personal. Without realising, she'd just become a fully-fledged member of the Blond Mafia, sliding in somewhere between Charlotte and Rebecca, and as such, she was entitled to see that beautiful smile that he reserved for the people he could be himself with – well, as much as Jack Quade could ever be himself.

"Morning," he said, surprising himself how shy and nervous he felt. More than anything, he wanted Gabrielle to still mean the things she had said last night.

"Morning. What are you making?"

"In farmgirl terms, bacon, eggs and toast."

The ice was broken. She poked her tongue out at him. "I've made eggs hollandaise and French toast before, Mr. City Snob. Need a hand?"

"Absolutely not. This is to say thankyou."

She was already getting out plates and cutlery. "For what?"

"For being an angel last night." Gabrielle was less then half a meter away from him, so Jack put down the spatula and wrapped his arms around her from behind. "I've never opened up to anyone like that." Well, apart from Karen, and she had a degree for dealing with people's broken souls. "I've never had anyone care about me like that."

"Jack, you're my best friend." She hadn't realised he was until the words came out of her mouth. And he was. He had always had her back when she needed it, and often when she just needed a sympathetic ear. The more she knew Jack, the more she appreciated the nobility and strength behind his character. "If I can be there for you, I will be."

There was a pause before Gabrielle finally blurted out something that had been on her mind since Jack had fallen asleep and she'd lain awake listening to his deep breathing. "Does Caroline know?" Even though he was behind her, she knew he was shaking her head. "Don't you think she should?"

"What would that achieve? I've had girlfriends before and none of them knew."

"And I bet none of them made you feel as protected as I did last night," Gabrielle retorted. Jack was silent. He knew she was right. "Things are different now. I think you want something more then holding someone at arms length like that."

"Gabby, I can't." His voice was quiet, fearful.

"Why not?"

"Because she's already freaked about how many women there've been in my life. How d'you think she'll react to know there haven't just been women?"

"Jack, you know it's not like that. You've told me before that what you like about her is that she gets you – that she didn't react in horror when she realized you've been abused – physically, I mean." And even as she said it, she knew what the problem was. The physical abuse, even the emotional abuse, were only the tip of the iceberg as far as Jack's damaged soul went. If someone like Rachel, who was fundamentally a good person, couldn't help reacting badly to his physical scars, to Jack's logic, it was only a matter of degrees. Caroline might be able to react without horror to his physical scars, but the sexual ones could prove too much for her.

And the tragic thing was, there was an element of truth to it. Gabrielle didn't know Caroline that well but based on how in sync she was with Jack, she figured she would react as well as you could to something like that. But that wasn't a risk Jack was willing to take. He couldn't articulate himself without making Caroline look bad, but that was where the problem lay. "What about Rebecca?" Since sexual intimacy obviously wasn't an issue with them, Jack's fear of Caroline rejecting him shouldn't apply to Rebecca.

"She knows I got the short end of the stick growing up," Jack explained by way of having not said anything to his beloved sister. "She feels bad about it, like, hey, I had two parents who loved me while my brother was abandoned by our mother and rejected by his dad and step-mother. She doesn't know I was hit and she certainly doesn't know I was raped. And I'm not going to tell her. It won't take anything back and will only make her feel worse."

"I think you're doing her a huge disservice. I'm not as close to my brothers and sister the way you guys are, but I'd still want to know."

"That's your opinion." Jack's tone made it clear he thought her opinion was crap. He dropped his arms from around her waist and she realised he considered the matter dropped.

* * *

"Caroline, stop. It's starting to hurt."

"Give me another minute," she pleaded. She'd been trying for half an hour but some agitator in Jack's subconscious was refusing to respond to her attempt at a blow job. Agitator, not Jack himself because it was clear Jack wanted it. He'd practically pushed her into the bedroom when he'd come over, smothering her with kisses and caresses, working on her shirt after just a few minutes. This was Jack, who loved lengthy foreplay.

This was Jack, who was insanely easy to turn on once you knew what he liked – lots of touching. But nothing she had done, including going down on him for the last half hour, had any effect. She grew increasingly frustrated. Whenever she expressed insecurity over how many women there had been, he assured her that he was totally hot for her and her alone. And now it seemed he didn't even want that.

Jack put up with it for another minute then jerked away. It really was starting to hurt. He had tried desperately to relax, but everytime he was remotely close, an image of Caroline pulling away from him entered his mind. Oh, she'd try her best to understand, he credited her with that, but there would always be a part of her that would be a bit disgusted that the longest sexual relationship he'd ever had was with a man.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't know what's wrong with me." He reached for his pants, feeling very naked in more ways than one.

She cuddled up next to him. He obligingly wrapped his arms around her, but there was something mechanical about his embrace. "It happens, Jack. Don't beat yourself up over it. Honestly, the amount of stress you work under, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often."

It was a joke, but it fell flat. Sex had always been his escape from stress – it didn't cause impotence. Suddenly, he kissed her, which was a surprise in itself, because he flat-out refused if she didn't brush her teeth after she went down on him. It was nothing personal, he explained, just the taste made him throw up.

He willed himself not to throw up. If he couldn't get it up for her, then at least he could kiss her after she'd tried so hard. His hands started wandering down her body. Hooking his thumbs under her panties, he slid them down her legs and discarded them on the floor. "Your turn," he said in the most sensual voice he could. No way was he giving her any indication that his heart really wasn't in it.

"Jack, you don't have to..." she protested, and he silenced her with a finger over her mouth.

"I'm not going to deprive you of an orgasm because I can't get it up," he said. No, that was the wrong thing to say, He smiled brightly. "Besides, you know how much I love doing this to you."

Well, what girl could resist that? She lay back, knowing what was to come, spread her legs and shuddered with desire when his began using his tongue on her...

* * *

Two Wednesdays after Gabrielle had found out about Jack's abuse, she was off work with a sprained ankle. Sprained ankles were always the worst because she was well enough to function efficiently after a fashion, but not well enough to work.

In her frustration, she cooked. She baked ANZAC biscuits and chocolate cake until it was late enough that she could start dinner, then she set about doing a beef roast, complete with juicy potatoes, carrots and pumpkin, all from the grower's market she had found shortly after moving to Sydney (not quite as good as the one-acre vegetable garden she'd grown up with, but a vast improvement on crap from Woolworths). With the roast on, she started on a chocolate mousse. She and Jack would be eating leftovers for a week but it relieved her frustration at not being able to work.

_You're pathetic, Jaeger, you know that. You should be kicking back with a DVD and taking advantage of the fact you can't work._ But ever since Jack had moved in, kicking back alone was less and less her style. It had only been a few weeks, but she was increasingly used to his company – enjoyed it, even. There was something about having someone to come home to – even if it was just a mate. Something about having someone to hold you after you'd scared yourself stupid watching horror movies (Jack kept pointing out that she kept watching them even though they scared the crap out of her, but it was an indulgence she couldn't resist), something about coming home and having someone else cooking dinner, something about sharing a bottle of wine and easy conversation over said dinner.

Steve, she had to honestly admit, had never been such great company.

She was lost in her thoughts when Jack came home. It took her a few seconds to realise he looked absolutely wrecked. "Mate, what's wrong?" she asked, concerned.

"Bad counselling session," he mumbled. Although there really wasn't any such thing as a 'good' counselling session, just ones which left him less emotionally drained than others. "I'll be in my room if you need me."

Gabrielle hadn't thought about it before, but she recalled now that Jack always came back wrecked from his weekly counselling sessions. Or rather, she came home to find him wrecked, because he was back before she was. She'd never given it much thought, but come to think of it, he was unusually low Wednesday nights. She kicked herself for not having realised, taking small consolation out of the fact she had only known about his abuse for less then a fortnight.

"Grab a beer and I'll be with you in a second," she said briskly. Like hell he was holing up his room to feel sorry for himself.

"Don't need your pity, Gabby," he said wearily.

"I'm not offering it. I am offering you friendship and companionship so grab a beer and I'll be with you in a second." She didn't let her nursing staff get away with much, she wasn't going to let Jack, either.

Jack realised it wasn't worth fighting her over, and besides, friendship sounded good right about now. He grabbed a beer and curled up on the couch, absently slipping through the channels while he waited for Gabrielle to be done whatever it was she was doing.

She joined him a few minutes later with her own beer. "C'mere," she said sympathetically, pulling Jack into her arms before she could protest, his head against her chest, her arms around him. "You don't have to bottle it up around me. You know I won't think any less of you if you want to cry. You wanna talk about it?"

"No," he said, and he meant it. He never felt like talking about it. "Just... stay with me for a bit. This is nice." Which was his way of saying he felt like someone had his back.

* * *

"OK, tell me what's wrong or stop sulking. Or at least go and sulk in your room. The negative energy you're putting out is so think I could cut it with a knife."

"I am not sulking." But even as he said it, he knew he was.

Gabrielle said down on the couch, lifting Jack's head so she could slide in and put it on her lap. He liked it when she stroked his hair so she started doing it now. "C'mon, talk to me," she prompted him. "It can't be any worse than what you told me about Patrick."

She had a way with words. Jack shifted on the couch restlessly. "Charlotte's got Rhiannon looking after Zach," he said. "Instead of me. She says I'm spending too much time with Caroline to be much good to her as a babysitter."

"How many days were you available last week?" Gabrielle had already known Jack's relationship with Caroline was making his responsibilities towards Zach increasingly untenable. Caroline wasn't comfortable with how close Jack was to Charlotte and her son and disliked spending time with the boy so Jack was forced to choice between Zach and Caroline, and Caroline usually won. It was something Charlotte understood but it was increasingly inconvenient for her.

Rhiannon seemed like the perfect solution. One of Zach's daycare minders, she adored him and was happy to take up some of the child-rearing responsibilities. With Jack unable to come through for Charlotte in the way he once did, Rhiannon being able to pick up the slack was a godsend.

It wasn't that she was rejecting Jack. But she couldn't rely on him, and when it came to her son, she needed someone she could rely on. He could still see Zach whenever he wanted, but Charlotte felt it was best for everyone that Zach have someone a little more dependable to be his carer.

Intellectually, Jack understood this. Emotionally... he adored the little boy and it felt as though Charlotte had told him he was unfit to care for him anymore. "You know that's not true," Gabrielle soothed him. "Think about it if you were in her position. You'd want someone you could rely on to take care of him. She's not taking him away from you, Jack. She just needs someone who has more time for him than you do."

"Do you – do you think she knows about me?" he asked in a small voice. It had deep down been what had been bugging him about the situation. "Do you think she knows – and think it's too big a risk to have someone with... my... predispositions to take care of her son?"

"Jack!" she slapped him lightly across the back of his head. He had confided in her how hard it was to deal with the fact the abuse he'd suffered predisposed him to become an abuser himself. "I can't believe you would think that of yourself. You couldn't hurt Zach anymore than you could hurt me. As far as Charlotte knowing goes – unless someone told her, I doubt it, and I think if she knew, she would have said something by now. It's not personal. I'm sure if you had the time, she'd love to have you back as Zack's sitter. Look, why don't you spend some time with Caroline? I haven't seen her around in ages and I can't remember the last time you spent the night with her."

Jack squirmed, and Gabrielle realised part of his restlessness was to do with Caroline. "We're having a bit of a rough patch," he said vaguely.

"What kind of rough patch?" Gabrielle asked. Not Caroline. Not Caroline, who was so good with Jack, despite his insistence that she wouldn't see him the same way after she found out about Patrick.

Jack squirmed some more. "I can't – I'm impotent. I can't goddamn get it up." He spoke the goddamn as if it were a much harsher word.

"Jack... for how long?"

"Couple of weeks."'

She couldn't help but laugh. "Jack, a few weeks does not count as impotence." She frowned, working out the dates. "This about the time you told me about Patrick?" she asked. Jack nodded against his lap. "You don't think the two are related?"

"No."

"Bullshit. What, you cry in my arms because you have nightmares about some asshole sexually abusing you and you can't uh, perform and you don't think the two are related? What did Karen say?"

"Didn't tell her."

"Bloody hell, Jack, I thought you were actually trying to get better. You don't confide in your girlfriend, you don't talk to your counsellor – you need to be more honest with yourself... and with Caroline."

"I don't want to talk about it."

She was right, she knew, but she also knew he was in one of his moods and there was no getting through to him when he was in one of his moods. She'd talk to him when he was more open-minded. "Do you want a backrub?" she offered. "I promise if you fall asleep I'll put you on your back before I leave."

"I'd like that," he said in a small voice, choosing to ignore the traitorous little thought that told him that in many ways, he was far close to Gabrielle than he was Caroline.

* * *

They were short-staffed, as usual, and the fight broke out so quickly that security couldn't intervene before Rachel got cut. Warring bikie gangs fought in the ward, Rachel got caught in the middle and ended up with a nasty knife wound running several centimetres down her arm.

Crying from both pain and shock, Jack automatically took control of the situation while Frank struggled to bring calm to the ED. He closed his hand over the bicep of her good arm and drew her into a resus bay. He grabbed her hips and lifted her up onto the bed rather than wait for her permission or instruct her up. She was pale and shaking, she'd struggle to get up on her own anyway. "Sorry," she said in a shaky voice when her blood dripped onto his shirt.

"You think you're the first patient I've had who bled on me?" he asked with a grin. "You're not even the first nurse I've known who couldn't stand the sight on their own blood." And she was badly shaken, and everytime she glanced at her cut arm she turned paler and shook harder. "OK, I want you to follow my instructions. Shut your eyes and listen to my voice."

"Huh?"

"Me doctor, you patient," he said with such a disarming grin that she could feel herself relaxing. "Close your eyes and listen to my voice." She did as she was told. He gave instructions to Dan, the nearest nurse in sight, to get him what he needed. "You're going to need stitches, I'm sorry," he said after he'd given her a local and was cleaning the wound. She couldn't feel it and she couldn't see it, which helped calm her down a lot. "I heard Eddie Richards asked you to the ball," he remarked casually.

"How d'you that?" she asked.

Somehow, she knew he was grinning. "He came up to me to ask my permission. He was under the impression I'm quite territorial of my girls."

She found herself laughing. "What did you say?"

"That I am, but you're not one them."

Strange that that didn't hurt. She had once wanted him to care about her the way he cared about his 'girls', wanted it even after he had treated her so badly, wanted it after he'd demonstrated he was more then capable of treating a woman decently. But something had happened in the last few months that had wiped any desire to be with him from her. Maybe it was understanding how damaged his soul was from years of abuse and neglect, maybe it was seeing how happy he was with Caroline, a happiness she honestly knew she couldn't give him. But something had changed, she didn't feel the way she did about him anymore, and could only smile when Jack made comments like that. "How are things with you and Caroline?" she asked.

"Good. It's been just over three months now. It's the longest I've been with someone for a while."

"You taking her to the ball?"

"Yup. I'm actually kind of excited about it. I only got the tickets today because my first mentor from uni will be up here for that weekend. I knew she was coming up sometime around now but not when and I was hoping she'd be able to come to the ball. Tanya's been such a huge influence on me that I wanted her to meet the people I work with."

"Anyone who mentored you has got to be interesting," Rachel mused.

Jack laughed. "You don't know the half of it. We were together on and off for the three years while we were at uni together. She was as much a life coach as she was an academic mentor."

"I wouldn't go around telling people that, Jack, you'll have everyone badgering her to know the 'real you'."

"I'm sure they'll have better things to badger Tanya Gregova about than me," he said.

Rachel opened her eyes wide. "Seriously, you used to date Tanya Gregova? She's like, a legend!"

"She's just a very talented surgeon and yes, I know her. Keep your eyes shut." Obediently, she closed her eyes again. Jack continued what he was doing and a few minutes later, he was finished. "You can open your eyes now," he said. The wound which had been gushing blood and making her shake with fear was now just a white bandage wrapped around her arm.

"That's amazing," she said, realising she hadn't felt a thing. "How'd you do that?"

"I have intimacy issues. For a long time whenever anyone touched me I'd be reminded of Stella. After a while I realised if I kept my eyes shut and relied on my other senses I could let it go. If you can't see, you focus on other stuff. Plus, you wouldn't believe how overrated sight is when it comes to sex. I figured I'd try it on you."

Rachel's brow furrowed, her mind ticking over. "Wait – so when you wouldn't look at me –"

"It was nothing personal." He finished. "It's just what I do. I'm sorry if you thought I was distracted. I wasn't. I may have been a jerk about it the next day, but I did want to be with you."

It was what she had needed to hear without even realising she'd needed to hear it. "That means a lot to me," she said quietly. Then impulsively she hugged him.

Jack didn't know what he was supposed to do. He didn't like being hugged as a rule, at least not in the way casual friends sometimes did. And given his and Rachel's history – but it seemed to ease her mind and if he'd made her feel like he was distracted, the least he owed her was a hug. So awkwardly he hugged her back, wondering how long was acceptable before he pulled away.

The problem resolved itself, although not in a way Jack liked. He knew even before he pulled away from Rachel that Caroline had just shown up. It wasn't like he was doing anything to feel guilty over – besides, she had hugged him – but he knew how Caroline felt about how many women there were in his past, about him working with Charlotte and Rachel, and for her to catch them hugging –

She looked furious. Furious and devastated. He stepped away from Rachel and towards Caroline. She looked like she was ready to walk out, but Jack took hold of her arm and hauled her into the tea room. "It's not what it looks like," he said.

"Oh, what you weren't wrapped up with an ex?" she spat.

"Firstly, she's not an ex, I'd have to have dated her for her to be an ex, and secondly, I was not wrapped up with her. It was just a hug – and she hugged me."

Slap. For a moment Jack thought he'd lose his balance and end up on his ass from the force of Caroline's backhand. For a fairly petite woman, she packed quite a punch. "Yeah? And what did you do to make her think that was OK?"

Jack rubbed his cheek gingerly. He'd known Caroline was insecure about his sexual history and for that reason he always met her in the lab, the carpark or the cafeteria. But there was insecure and there was paranoid. "I didn't do anything!" he yelled.

"You never do anything yet somehow you always manage to have women throwing themselves at you!" she yelled back. "You say you're in love with me but you let her touch you and – and you haven't asked me to the ball yet."

Jack stared at her. Was that what this was all about? She was paranoid because he hadn't asked her yet? "I was waiting to see if my former mentor would be up for the weekend so I knew how many tickets to get. I really wanted you to meet her but since you seem to have an issue with Rachel you're not going to like Tanya, we were together for several years. Take your goddamn tickets and use them for paper maché for all I care," he said, slamming the tickets on the table and walking out.

"Zoe, I'm going out for a few minutes. Page me if you need me," he said to his boss as he walked out without further explanation. He needed to cool off and give Caroline the opportunity to leave before he got back. The last thing he wanted to do was lay eyes on her again.

"What the hell was that about?" Zoe asked a minute later to no-one in particular after a tearful Caroline had rushed past. "And who let her in?"

"Uh, that was me," Bart admitted. "Was I not supposed to?"

"No. She makes Charlotte and Rachel uncomfortable – not the most secure girl in the world, that one."

"It was my fault," Rachel blurted out. "I hugged him and she saw it and I guess she got angry at him. I think she hit him."

Zoe rubbed her forehead. She had a lot of respect for Jack as both a doctor and a human being, but he seemed incapable of keeping her private life private. "It's not your fault," she told Rachel. "He'll be back soon enough and I suggest when he does, you leave him alone." Poor guy. As indiscreet as he could be, she'd humiliated him at work. That wasn't something people would quickly forget – or that he would quickly get over.

Jack returned half an hour later and Zoe realised he was no good to her. His left cheek was already swelling up and a doctor who looked like he did was hardly going to instil confidence in his patients – he looked like he needed a doctor himself. "Go home," she instructed him.

"I'm fine, Zoe."

"Don't be stubborn. You're going to scare your patients." She didn't add that he looked like he was about to burst into tears. She softened her voice. "Take the rest of the day off."

So he did. When Gabrielle came home she found him curled up on the couch, crying. She had heard about what had happened and had expected he would be in a funk. "Hey," she said softly. She sat on the couch, drawing his head into her lap. He wrapped his arms around her legs and continued to cry.

"I really like her, Gabby," he said. "I can't believe she doesn't trust me. I can't believe she hit me."

"I know it hurts," she said soothingly. She knew there wasn't much she could do but be there for him, but it still killed her to see him so miserable. She knew how much he liked her, and that it wasn't fair for this to happen now he'd finally found someone he cared about.

"Is this payback for treating Rachel like crap?" he asked.

"Of course not. She's just a very insecure woman. You deserve better then her."

"Wish it would stop hurting."

"I know you do."

He sat up so he could face her. "I'm sorry, I'm being such a baby."

She cupped his head with her hands. When his eyes were irritated, like when he'd been crying, it really brought out the green in them. She had noticed it before but only now was she struck by how bright they were. "You should have seen me after Steve left, and we'd only been together a few weeks. It's not like life hasn't given you plenty to cry over."

He wiped his eyes with the backs of his hands. "You're a great mate, you know that," he sniffled. "My best friend."

"I know. And I'm here for you if you need anything."

"I know." And he gave a weak attempt at that beautiful smile she loved so much. God, he'd been through so much. He was the strongest person she knew, and she had so much admiration for him. She used her fingertips to wipe the remaining tears from the corners of her eyes and find herself unable to pull her hands away.

"Jack," she said softly, no clue where to go from here. She felt her heart skip a beat and the first feeling that came to mind was being in Jack's arms that night he had come back, that almost-kiss that had been interrupted by Steve's appearance. No, it couldn't be. Not now. Not while he was so upset and probably incapable of thinking about anything but Caroline... "Jack," she whispered again...

There was a knock on the door, and Gabrielle was glad for the excuse to end the embrace. She got up and went to open the door.

It was Caroline. She looked like she'd been crying. "Can I see him?" she asked.

"I don't think that's a good –" Gabrielle started to say, but Jack interrupted.

"It's fine, Gabby, let her in." Gabrielle opened the door to Caroline and the pathologist stepped inside tentatively. She started to speak, but Jack held his hand up. "We'll go to my room," he said. He'd tell Gabrielle everything later but right now he wanted to speak to her privately.

They went to his room and Jack sat on his bed, bringing his legs up against his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He tucked himself into that position whenever something troubled him, Caroline had noticed, like a sitting-up foetal position. She had brought it up but he'd denied doing it; it must be a subconscious thing. "The things you said," Jack said raggedly. "They really hurt. Maybe I've done some shit things in the past and this is just Karma paying me back but I have never done the wrong thing by you. She hugged me because I let something slip that put her mind at ease – I didn't want her to, I don't like being touched by many people." He didn't bother to add that if he was going to play around, he'd be far more discreet then a colleague and former conquest who may or may not still have feelings for him.

"I know." She started to cry again. "Jack, I'm so sorry. It's just so hard to deal with it sometimes... how many women there've been. When I saw you with her I couldn't help thinking about you and her together and how you said you were worried she still has feelings for you and –"

"Caroline, I would never have told you that if I thought you'd take it so badly." Like he never would have told her about Gabrielle falling asleep in his arms, like he didn't dare tell her how close they really were. "Y'know Zoe told everyone not to let you in the ED because you make Charlotte and Rachel nervous? You can't do this, Caroline. I'm crazy about you and you just – you broke my heart and you humiliated me in front of my colleagues."

She was crying harder now. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she repeated over and over until Jack felt the only thing he could do was to pull her into his arms. She buried her face in his chest and continued to cry.

"It'll be OK. But Caroline – you either need to trust me or leave. I can't live like this."

"I know. I'm sorry."

He wanted to believe her so he convinced himself enough that he believed it. Before he knew it, they were kissing and he was pushing her onto the bed and they were tearing at each other's clothes. It was a frantic tryst as he got as deep inside her as he could, and over quickly.

Afterwards he lay with her in his arms, unable to sleep. He thought he'd be relieved that he could still perform, but he felt somehow empty, dissatisfied. When he was sure she was sound asleep, he dressed and padded into the kitchen to fix himself a hot chocolate. He would have liked something stronger but knew he was drinking too much as it was.

Gabrielle came in from the family room. "Went well, I take it?" she asked.

"She's sorry."

"Jack, she hit you. She humiliated you at work. That's a fair bit to be sorry about. Or what, you finally got laid so you don't care?"

"Of course not. Of course I care. I just – you of all people should know this, what it's like to be in love with someone who doesn't always do the right thing by you. And she's good for me, Gabby. I can't give that up. I won't."

He sounded a little too defiant, like he was daring her to point out the holes in his argument and determined to justify his decision. Gabrielle knew better than to argue with him when he dug in like this. "If she makes you happy..."

"She does."

Gabrielle told herself that her disappointment came from not wanting to see Jack get hurt, and not from anything else.

* * *

"I want Gabby's stylist," Rachel said enviously. The NUM was wearing a pale green dress with spaghetti straps which set of her skin superbly. The dress was a few centimetres past the floor so high heels added to her height. She was already a fairly tall woman but now she was almost a match for Jack. She'd indulged on professional hair and makeup and felt it had been worth every cent. She had never felt so glamorous.

"Given I'd say her stylist is a certain someone's sister, I don't like your chances. Wonder what Caroline thought of that," Charlotte said. Like Gabrielle, she had been surprised at Jack and Caroline's reconciliation. Caroline had been keeping whatever insecurities she felt to herself ever since but Charlotte doubted she had stopped being insecure about Jack.

Gabrielle may live with Jack so she was more aware of how Caroline affected his private life, but Caroline had a special reason for disliking Charlotte; their steamy one-night stand years before – Caroline had never fully understood just what a drunken mistake it was and that Charlotte was more of a threat to Jack's relationship with Rebecca than his relationship with Caroline – and she resented Jack's closeness to Zach. Charlotte had only spoken to her a few times in the last three months but had always been left with the feeling Caroline resented her. And the thing with dating Jack was that you couldn't resent the women he was close to. Caroline might have gotten a few concessions out of him in these early months but in the end, he'd only resent her for it.

And the irony was, if she was going to feel insecure about anyone, it was Gabrielle. The two were undeniably close. Charlotte knew she wouldn't be all that comfortable dating someone who came with a housemate and best friend if he was as close to as Jack as was Gabrielle. But then, maybe she did feel insecure about it and just had the good sense not to say anything.

Charlotte actually found herself feeling a little sorry for Caroline. You would think Jack and Gabrielle would have had enough of each other, working and living together, but no, they were currently holed up at the bar, engaged in animated conversation while Caroline sat in her seat, looking miserable. Charlotte decided that five more minutes and she would interrupt them herself, since Caroline was too proud to do it.

"Mike Vlasek. I would recognise you anywhere."

The surgeon looked up to be greeted by a stunning Russian woman in her mid thirties. "Tanya," Mike said warmly. "What are you doing here? Last I heard, you were running things at Canberra State."

"Still am. I've been meaning to come up for a weekend and Jack wanted me to meet his girlfriend so here I am."

Mike took a few seconds for his brain to click. "You're the Tanya he speaks so highly of?" Mike asked. "He's always talking about this amazing mentor he had in uni, but I never made the connection."

"You know Jack, to admit he knows me is to admit he went to AUMEL and he thinks that's bragging. I tell him it's not bragging that you got in on an academic scholarship, but you know how he is. I always thought he was a bit embarrassed about being so smart."

"He got over it. He sends his tax returns home every year."

Tanya made a face. It had been ten years and she still remembered meeting that awful woman. "Good for him. I think I'm the only woman he ever took to meet his family." She was old enough to remember the last of the Cold War and she'd never been so shabbily treated as she had that afternoon at the Quade home. She laughed wryly. "The boy certainly has a talent for making mistakes with women, but I'll give him credit, he never made the same one twice."

"I'm sure you had something to do with that." It was immediately apparent how in the world Jack had managed to come out as 'normal' as he was, given what he'd been through as a child. Here was a brilliant, sexual woman, as gifted a surgeon as she was a compassionate human being who had overcome a childhood in Cold War Russia, a childhood as tragic as Jack's in its own way. She had been Jack's mentor in more ways than one. She had encouraged him to embrace his intelligence and not be afraid of his sexuality.

Tanya gave a charmingly coy look. "Maybe, maybe not," she murmured. She had a habit of becoming difficult to understand when it came to Jack. She looked over to where Jack was being very friendly with an attractive blond at the bar. "Strange, I could have sworn he said Caroline was a brunette."

Within the area that was the All Saints ED, things got so quiet you could have heard a pin fall on the floor. Caroline paled visibly even under her makeup. She quickly grabbed her bag and jacket. "Tell Jack I went home," she said shortly, wanting to be out of this place. She may have embarrassed Jack confronting him over Rachel, but this was more than embarrassment – this was humiliating.

"Caroline, it doesn't mean anything," Charlotte said sympathetically, knowing perfectly well it did mean something.

Tanya immediately realised her mistake. "I'm so sorry," she said. "I just thought –"

"I know what you thought and it doesn't make a difference. I'm going home." And she walked out with as much dignity as she could muster given Tanya had just figured Gabrielle was her based on the fact they were so damn pally.

Tanya cringed. "I honestly thought –" she said to Mike.

"You're not to blame. They're close like that. Besides, it's not your fault he neglected his girlfriend."

Jack and Gabrielle rejoined the group a few minutes later. "Where's Caroline?" he asked, noticing immediately her absence. He threw a smile at Tanya.

"She left. I thought you were talking to Caroline and she got upset and left," Tanya explained, in Russian. It was an old habit of theirs.

"I thought I told you she's a brunette," Jack replied, in Russian.

"Not my fault you were looking so cosy with the blond that I made the mistake," Tanya said crossly, and Jack knew she had a point.

"How long ago did she leave?" he asked. Just what he needed, for Caroline to be pissed off at him because he'd spent too much time with Gabrielle and apparently looked cosy enough with her that Tanya figured it was Gabrielle and not Caroline he was dating.

"'Bout five minutes. Look, why don't you let her cool off for the night? I know you, Jack, if you go over now you'll say things you'll regret."

He smiled at her gratefully. Tanya knew him better then most – well, maybe Gabrielle. "You're right," he agreed. He hugged her. "It's great to see you again. I feel like we don't catch up enough."

"Not my fault you don't like Canberra."

"Not mine that you don't like Sydney." It was an ongoing argument between them. Canberra State was easily the best teaching hospital in the country. Jack and Tanya had studied together in Canberra and Tanya thought little of the fact Jack had chosen to return to his home city after finishing uni. They were never going to get the other to give in, but it was fun to keep trying.

Jack moved to Tanya's side and said in English to his housemate, "This is my mate Tanya."

"Heard she's much more than a mate," Gabrielle said teasingly. Jack poked his tongue out. Tanya didn't really understand the exchange, but she did understand that he was extremely fond of her. Bet she only spoke one language, though. "And since when did you speak Russian?"

"Since his grandmother came from St. Petersburg. Do you play chess?"

"Tanya!" Jack admonished her.

"What? It's a valid question." This was in Russian. Jack gave her a sideways look which made Tanya think maybe she should stop deliberately using her native language so other people couldn't understand.

"I'm sorry, Tanya here is even more of a cultural snob then me. She considers chess to be the basic building block to any claim to sophistication."

"Tell her you've been trying to teach me."

"She speaks English, Gabby." God, this was a bizarre conversation.

"Ah, you're the housemate." The one he spoke so highly of. Tanya immediately rearranged her opinion.

"I'm the housemate." Gabrielle wasn't sure what else she was supposed to say. Tanya was gorgeous and intelligent and sophisticated and she felt like a field mouse in comparison. And had they really appeared so pally that Tanya had automatically assumed she was Caroline? The thought made her feel a bit dirty. Not that she and Jack had done anything, but...

The rest of the night progressed smoothly. Tanya could be charming when she wanted to be, and regaled the table with stories of her years as a surgeon. No wonder Jack had wanted her to meet Caroline. It was clear he was deeply fond of the woman and would naturally want whoever he was seeing to meet her.

* * *

"Caroline, I'm sorry. We started talking about stuff and I lost track of time... you should have some and said something."

"I shouldn't have to, Jack. God, do you have any idea how embarrassing it was? I had no-one to talk to and then she comes along and just assumes Gabrielle's me because you're so goddamn friendly with her."

"I haven't done anything!" he said indignantly.

He face softened. "I know you haven't. But... Jack, you and her, you have this really special bond that I can't compete with."

"That's not true!" But even as he said it, he knew there was some truth to what Caroline said. He'd been able to confide in Gabrielle what had happened to him – maybe that was only because he'd had a nightmare but he'd still been able to confide in Gabrielle and not Caroline. "C'mon, Car, can we please talk about this?"

He tried taking her hands in his but she pulled away from him. "Don't make this harder then it already is, Jack," she said sadly.

"What d'you mean?"

"I mean I can't do this anymore. Here." She shoved a box full of his stuff in his hands. When you were with someone for three months, your stuff got accumulated at their place, and they tended to spend most of their time at Caroline's anyway, but she had her own apartment and he shared. "I was going to drop this off at your place but since you're already here..."

"No. You're not thinking straight."

"Take your goddamn stuff!" she yelled, her patience finally snapping after three months of feeling she would never come first with him, no matter what she did. Frightened, Jack took the box out of her hands. "Please, just go," she begged. She wanted to cry and she couldn't do it when he was around.

Jack left, too stunned to really do anything but leave. He couldn't believe Caroline had just dumped him. Over a stupid misunderstanding where if she'd just come and said something – she knew Gabrielle meant a lot to him, but so did Cate, Charlotte and Rebecca and she didn't make a big deal about his relationships with them, did she?

He got halfway home when he pulled over onto the side of the road to cry. Maybe he was closer to Gabrielle then he should be, but he was in love with Caroline and he'd never done anything to hurt her.

After a few minutes he struggled to compose himself. Three months was still a decent effort for him, he rationalised. And maybe he shouldn't be dating someone who he couldn't tell the truth about Patrick to. Maybe he was better off working on his personal issues then being in a relationship. Maybe –

He bit down on his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood so he wouldn't cry again. Crying wasn't going to get Caroline back. He'd think about it later, when it didn't hurt so much.

Right now, he needed a decent distraction.


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

"Gabby, I'm home. D'we have company?" He'd noticed a second car on the drive and he really hoped it wasn't Steve. The older doctor's grating company was the last thing he needed right now. He walked into the living room to find Gabrielle with a stunning young woman. She was a brunette, like Caroline, but made Caroline look like a brown field mouse in comparison. Long, straight hair that went most of the way to her waist, emerald-green eyes that seemed to have endless depths, creamy pale skin remarkably free of blemishes, given how easily she must burn. Long, slender legs and a perfect figure. And she was even taller then Gabrielle, must've been at least five-ten, and it was always good to meet tall women. With heels she'd be about his height.

"This is my friend Ashley," Gabrielle introduced him. "Ashley, this is my housemate Jack."

Ashley made no attempt to be discreet when she gave Jack a lingering once-over. "She said you were cute," Ashley murmured huskily. "But I wasn't quite expecting _this_."

Jack felt flustered. He was used to dealing with women coming onto him, but Ashley was something different entirely. Ashley, he could tell instinctively, was as used to seducing men as he was used to seducing women. "Thankyou," was the only thing he could think to say.

"You're welcome," she said with a sexy, flirtatious smile. Gabrielle had been living with his hunk for the last two months and she hadn't done anything? Screw the fact he was in a relationship – she had home ground advantage. If it was Ashley in Gabrielle's shoes, she'd be making the most of the situation. But then, Gabrielle had always been a bit of a puritan about sex.

"Where's Caroline?" Gabrielle asked nervously, although deep down, she already knew the answer. Jack wouldn't be making eyes at her if he was still in a relationship. Had Tanya's mistaking Gabrielle for Caroline been what pushed their relationship over the edge?

And then, _not Jack. Anyone but Jack_. Ashley was a shameless maneater and few men could resist her. And why should they? She was gorgeous, sexy and always available.

She had certainly been to Steve.

Gabrielle didn't know why the idea of Jack and Ashley together bothered her. Jack could do whatever the hell he liked in his private life. But – but – he could do much better than Ashley, she justified to herself. And he could never rely on her to be faithful.

"We broke up," Jack said, and a cloud of misery descended on him.

"I'm so sorry," Ashley said, her voice dripping with very believable false-sincerity. "Gabby talks so highly about you and how devoted you are to her – _were_," she corrected ruefully. "I'd always get so jealous when she'd talk about you and – sorry, what was her name?"

"Caroline," Jack smiled, momentarily distracted by those deep emerald-green eyes. _Mesmerising_.

"Caroline. I'd get so jealous when she'd talk about you and Caroline. You sounded like the perfect guy."

"I've made plenty of mistakes. But I'm trying to make up for it."

"Paying back karma, are we?" Gabrielle had mentioned how guilty Jack felt about the way he had used women in the past; his warped notions of karma had come up a few times.

"Something like that."

"I'm sure you'll get everything you deserve." She said this with such innuendo that you needed to be blind and deaf to miss it – but such believable false-sincerity that you couldn't help but take the sentiment at face value at the same time. Ashley was an expert at saying one thing and have two come across.

"You staying here?" Jack asked, trying to keep the hopeful tone out of his voice. No need to look too eager, not when he'd been dumped an hour before.

"Just for a few days. If that's OK by you. I do hate to get underfoot."

"I can't imagine you getting underfoot." Even though he'd only met her a few minutes ago, but still –

"You're very sweet, Jack. Gabrielle said you were sweet. But you must let me know the second I become an inconvenience."

"I will." His tone suggested he doubted that would ever be a possibility.

Pushed to the sidelines, Gabrielle gritted her teeth. She was doing it already, getting her teeth stuck into Jack. What, it wasn't enough she had gone after Steve, she had to have Jack as well?

And then – _why does it matter? It's just Ashley being Ashley_. But somehow the possibility of Jack's defection of loyalty meant more to her then Steve's. Maybe because realistically, she and Jack were closer then she and Steve had been. Maybe – she didn't know exactly, just that she didn't want Ashley pursuing him.

"Don't go there," she warned Ashley as the two women prepared dinner. "He was crazy about Caroline – still is, I think. If something happens with you and he reconciles with her, he'll never be able to forgive himself."

Ashley shrugged. "Not my fault if women can't hold onto their men."

Gabrielle wanted to smack her. She didn't know what had possessed her to let Ashley in when she'd showed up at her door a few hours ago. Ashley had collaborated in breaking her heart when she'd hooked up with Steve. Gabrielle had cried about it for months, unable to comprehend the double betrayal of her boyfriend and her best friend.

But she had forgiven Steve, so she felt obligated to forgive Ashley. And she had let Steve crash with her for a couple of weeks, until he had walked out on her, so if Ashley was asking for a few days until she sorted herself out...

"I don't recommend you go there. Jack has a lot of hang-ups and it could backfire horribly."

"Not jealous, are you? Exactly why is it nothing's ever happened between you? He's hot, he's always around and it's not like you have men lining up around the block."

Gabrielle gritted her teeth. "He has – _had_ – a girlfriend. I'm not one of those women who goes around pinching other women's boyfriends. It provides a terrible foundation for real trust and intimacy." Inspiration hit her in a flash. "How _did_ you and Steve work out, anyway?"

Ashley glowered. She knew Gabrielle had her there. It had taken three weeks after Gabrielle had left him – three weeks of monogamy – before Steve had started straying again. Not even Ashley's considerable bedroom skills could keep him interested in her for longer then three weeks.

But Jack was a different story altogether. Seemingly faithful for three months, he sounded like excellent boyfriend material, and the perfect opening wedge into Sydney society. She was so bored of living in the country with stupid country boys. When Gabrielle spoke of her job in a major hospital and her own home and her cute housemate, Ashley had wanted in. And if Gabrielle was too stupid to latch onto Jack the second he was available, well, that was her loss.

Later that even, when Gabrielle had gone to bed, Ashley allowed Jack to excuse himself to 'a bunch of boring medical journals' which had to be read if he wanted to get that fellowship. He was what, twenty-seven, twenty-eight? Certainly younger then thirty. Which made him bright and ambitious, too. Perfect.

She got changed, and made her way into Jack's room. He was sitting on the bed, reading. "I was hoping for your opinion on something," she asked sweetly.

"Shoot." He had infinitely preferred the skin-tight jeans and figure-hugging halter neck top she'd been wearing when he'd first come in over the bulky nightgown she was wearing now.

She dropped the nightgown to reveal a black lace bra and matching g-string – Jack could see from across the room that it clipped together at the sides. It was very obvious and slutty, but didn't fail to hit the mark. "What do you think?" she asked huskily.

Jack dry-swallowed. "I think I shouldn't abuse Gabby's hospitality."

She stepped towards him. "This is your place, too, Jack. What, you never brought your ex here?"

"Yes, but that's different – and anyway, haven't you heard of being on the rebound?" But a scantily-clad Ashley had a way of making him forget about Caroline – at least for a little while. He wasn't sure what he found to be a greater distraction, the way her breasts were pushed out and threatening to escape for their skimpy confines, or the way her legs seemed to go on forever. He wondered how they would feel wrapped around his waist.

"I'm not asking for a commitment, Jack." She climbed onto his bed and straddled him, taking the magazine out of his hands and discarding it on the floor. "Just some fun between consenting adults." She kissed the side of his neck. "You felt it as soon as you saw me, didn't you? The... _heat_."

"Yeah," he admitted. Oh, God, she was so sexy and when she was trailing hot kisses along his collarbone... she took his hands in hers and placed them firmly on her backside, which was barely covered by the skimpy lace g-string. "Ashley, we –"

"Just some fun between consenting adults, Jack," she repeated. "You do know how to have fun?" She was unbuttoning his shirt now, working her way down with kisses all over his chest.

"Yeah," he said, and the last of his willpower disappeared. Something told him Ashley was shamelessly uninhibited. He didn't normally like forward women but maybe this was exactly what he needed – fun with a consenting adult – a consenting adult who may even be able to teach _him_ a trick or two.

She worked her way down to his pants and, with deliberate teasing slowness, unzipped them and pulled them down his legs, running her hands up and down his legs as she did so until she was rewarded with a very obvious bulge in his boxers. "Please," he begged when she didn't volunteer for what he wanted.

She smiled coyly at him. She loved this part, where she could make men beg. Obediently, she pulled down his boxers and took him in her mouth.

It had only been a few days since his and Caroline's last time together but he may as well have been a virgin for how it felt. For a second he was worried he was going to make a complete ass of himself and come in a few seconds like he actually had his first time. But Ashley was far too experienced for that and held him off for half an hour until he was begging for the release, and when she granted it, it was a thundering explosion in his head.

"Enjoy yourself?" she asked coyly, snuggling up him after. She didn't even try to kiss him.

He kissed the top of her head. "Minx. Where's you learn _that_?"

"Farm life can be boring... and there's so many big, strong seasonal workers." Jack laughed, and she was glad he wasn't the jealous type. Unlike Steve, who loved what she could do to him but not that she had done it to other men.

He maneuvered himself on top of her and began taking his time touching her the same way she'd touched him. She shivered in anticipation. It was very few men who actually volunteered to give head, but then, she'd already known Jack was far more considerate then most men.

And far more talented, too. She didn't realize, of course, that what considerable talent he'd accumulated came from a burning desire to excel. He needed to have women begging for it in much the same way Ashley had made him beg; it was the only thing that satisfied him that they wanted it.

Within minutes, Jack had her in the same position she'd put him in, writhing and moaning and begging for the orgasm he planned on withholding from her until she was on the edge of insanity, and even then –

"Where'd you learn to do _that_?" she asked after he was finished. She lay quite genuinely quivering from the experience.

"Working class life can be pretty boring... and there's so many working class girls just as bored." That, and when you were as determined to prove yourself as Jack had been, you could always get laid. He smiled down at her. This, he decided, was exactly what he needed, no-strings comfort sex.

He climbed up the bed and strained to reach his top dresser draw. "You don't need that," Ashley said when she saw jack was getting a condom out. "We're both safe." When Jack laughed at that, she realized the best thing to do was pretend she had meant it as a joke. So he cared about his sexual health. That just added to the appeal, although it didn't change the fact that she hated the bloody things and she told Jack that.

"Me too. But I know better then most the consequences –" both personally and professionally " – and besides, if something happens to me, I'm putting my patients at risk, too."

_Wow_. Gabrielle had raved about his professional integrity but it was something Ashley wasn't expecting. Perhaps he was a truly decent guy. In which case, she had hit pay dirt. She vowed to make him very happy. She guided him into her, urging him to get deep. When he did, she momentarily had a childish urge to tell Steve, should she ever run into him, just how unfavourably he compared. "Jack!" she gasped. "Oh, God, Jack..."

He hooked his arm around her knee and she knew what he wanted, for her to wrap her legs around his waist. He grunted when she did. He wasn't much of a talker but was perfectly capable of making himself understood. He began pumping her hard, stroking her most intimate parts, running his mouth over every inch of skin he could reach. He felt her dig her nails into his back and knew it was going to hurt tomorrow but right now, he didn't care. Ashley was easily the most talented lay he'd ever had, and that included Deanna. (The irony that she'd used him to get at someone else wouldn't be lost on him later.) He liked the way she had him in a lock as he pumped her. He liked the way she groaned and writhed so hard it took a lot of his strength to keep her pinned down – he knew he'd enjoy having her on top of him. He liked the way she screamed his name, more and more frantic (a talent all in itself, given there wasn't much you could do to speed-up a one-syllable name) as she came closer to orgasm.

After it was over, he got off her so he could lose the condom and momentarily wondered if Ashley would be around long enough that he'd be able to stop using the damn things. He was shaking. It was unusual that a sexual experience be so intense as to make him shake afterwards.

He drew her into his arms. "You're something special, you know that?" he asked her rhetorically. "Just what I needed. Thankyou."

Momentarily she felt guilty that she'd come to his room just because Gabrielle didn't like the idea. He really was a fantastic guy – one she wanted to stick around for. The fact he lived with Gabrielle was going to be a problem, but maybe, if she got him hooked on her, she could get him to find a place of his own. She stretched out like a cat at the thought. Her and Jack living together. _Beat that, Gabrielle_. Well, if the girl was too stupid to realize what she had right under her nose...

"You want to do this again tomorrow?" she asked with charming shyness, as if she didn't know what the answer would be.

"I think I want to do this again once I stop shaking," he said, and he kissed the top of her head. He'd never felt such longing to be able to kiss a woman properly after she'd gone down on him, and it made him think that maybe Ashley was someone he wanted to have stick around.

* * *

"Morning." Ashley didn't bother to hide the fact she'd emerged from Jack's room, conveniently just as Gabrielle was having her breakfast. But then, they must have woken her up. They hadn't exactly been quiet. Any of the four times. Or the time this morning, where he'd woken her up with a hand job followed by explosive sex. God, she was sore today. She'd met men with stamina before, but not someone like Jack.

"You look like the cat that got the cream," Gabrielle said shortly.

"Grumpy?"

"I tend to be when I get kept up most of the night."

"Sorry."

No, she wasn't. Ashley was never sorry when it came to sex. "It's fine."

She grabbed the cereal box and started pouring herself a big bowl. "I'm exhausted," she babbled. "You wouldn't _believe_ how much Jack takes it out of a girl. But it was worth it," she added with a lewd grin. This was the Ashley Gabrielle knew, not the one she had presented to Jack.

"I warned you not to get involved with him. He's in love with Caroline. If she wants to reconcile –"

"I doubt he'll take her back. I have a way with men that makes their girlfriends pale. I doubt he'll want her anymore... not after he's had me."

"I have to go to work," she said shortly. If she had to stay around Ashley for one more second, she'd tear her hair out. "I'm sure you can amuse yourself for the day."

"I'm sure I can. Don't suppose you know where there's an adultshop, do you?"

"No, I don't, but the white pages is next to the phone. And you're not going to impress Jack that way, either. His past girlfriends have all been pretty classy."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I impressed him last night. Didn't you say you had to go to work? You don't want to be late, do you?" So Gabrielle went to work, glad to be away from Ashley.

She saw Jack shortly after she walked into the ED. He looked... happy, and she could have sworn he looked smugly at her, as if _thanking_ her for bringing Ashley into his life.. She frowned in disgust. _Creep_.

Not knowing about Gabrielle and Ashley's history, Jack had no idea why she was being so cold to him. And she was being cold. She snapped at him, she went out of her way to avoid him until Zoe confronted him on it. "You do anything to make her angry?" she asked.

"Like what?"

"Like, well, I don't know..."

"Like you think I made a pass at her?" Jack offered.

Zoe looked sheepish. "I'm sorry, Jack, but the thought crossed my mind. You guys _are_ unusually close."

"Thanks a lot, Zoe, I _do_ have a girlfriend," he said huffily, which wasn't technically true, but she didn't know that.

"So you sorted things out with Caroline, then?" Jack couldn't hide the sadness that overcame him for a second. "Oh. I'm sorry." But it didn't really surprise her. She'd thought for a while that he and Gabrielle were unnaturally close for the fact he had a girlfriend. "Look, sort things out with Gabrielle, will you? You guys have a great working dynamic and right now you don't."

Even though he was convinced he hadn't done anything wrong, he cornered Gabrielle in the drug room. "OK, why are you being such a bitch?" he asked.

"Excuse me?"

"You've been cold and rude to me all day."

"Sorry, I tend to get grumpy when I get kept up all night," she said huffily.

Jack looked guilty. "I'm sorry. You should have come and said something."

"What, and interrupt you while you were getting your dick sucked."

"Don't be so vulgar."

_He_ had jumped into bed with the first pretty face he'd seen and _she_ was being vulgar?

"I'll be as vulgar as I like, Jack. You make me sick, you know that. You spout all this crap about wanting to be a better man and be in a relationship and all that shit and that's all it was, absolute drivel. You're just the same sleaze you always were, looking to get laid and not giving a shit about who else it involves."

"That's not fair! _She_ came to _me_. I told her I didn't want to abuse your hospitality like that and that I was on the rebound, and she said she didn't want anything more then some fun between consenting adults. She doesn't expect anything more from me so it's not like your mate's going to get hurt."

"Don't dodge the issue, Jack. You had casual sex with a stranger. You haven't changed. I just hope you used a condom."

"'Course I did. I'm not stupid."

"Could have fooled me. She'd give you Chlamydia as soon as she'd look at you. She did it to me," she said, meaning for it to be under her breath but with such vehemence that Jack still overheard her.

"I'm sorry, _what_?"

"Doesn't matter. We should get back to work." She tried to move past him but he blocked her path. He wrapped his hand around her upper arm in restraint.

"No," he said softly. "You wouldn't have said anything if you hadn't wanted me to know." There was more to it then just him sleeping with Ashley. Gabrielle looked at him with that familiar bull-headed expression on her face – bull-headed... and embarrassed. Whatever it was, she was _embarrassed_. And it was more then that... it was an expression he knew had crossed his own face many times, a feeling of dirtiness that only came from feeling sexually used. His brain started ticking over.

He knew Gabrielle had realized Steve was cheating on her when she'd found out she had the STD. She'd gone to her best friend to see if she knew anything – best friends often had their suspicions – only to catch them together.

Ashley was that best friend. Oh, God, he'd just spent the night with the two-faced whore who had broken Gabrielle's heart. And just for the icky factor, he now had a lover in common with Steve.

She saw in his eyes the comprehension of their history. Saw that he was sorry and flooded with guilt for having done something that hurt her. "Gabby, I'm so sorry. I wish you'd told me."

"Maybe I would have if you had left her side for more then a second the whole night," she spat. Jack overlooked it; she was angry at Steve and Ashley and he was a handy outlet for that anger.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it back. I wish I'd never laid eyes on her." He enveloped her in a bear hug. "You deserve better then both of them. You deserve better then me as a mate."

"That's not true, Jack. You weren't to know. I was just lashing out at you because I can't be angry at Steve or Ashley."

"Why not?"

"I forgave Steve, so I should be able to forgive Ashley."

"Just because you forgave Steve doesn't mean you have to forgive Ashley. I don't think it's even forgiveness if you do it out of obligation. If you still resent her – look, why don't you tell her she has to leave. She's a grown woman, she can fill out her own hotel registration."

"I've already told her she can stay as long as she likes. It would be rude if I take that back."

"I'd say it's rude to sleep with your best friend's boyfriend." But Jack realized once Gabrielle had made up her mind to do something, she would go through with it, no matter how much heartache it caused her. "Then do I have your permission, as your best friend, to be a rude bastard to her? I can be pretty mean when it comes to people who hurt my best friend."

Gabrielle sniffled against his chest. "I'd kinda like that," she admitted. It was mean, it was vindictive, but it was warpedly sweet that Jack was willing to go into bat for her in such a way.

"Then let's go back to work before you cry all over my shirt and I have to explain the wet patch."

When he got home that day a few hours before Gabrielle, Ashley was sprawled out on the couch in a sheer dressing gown that clearly defined her lingerie underneath. Jack had no doubt it was something equally as slutty as what she'd worn last night. It was suddenly very clear to Jack what kind of woman she was – a woman who used sex to get what she wanted and didn't give a damn who she stepped on to get it.

"Hello," she said seductively, letting her dressing gown slip a little a push-up red lace bra. "I'd like your opinion on something."

Jack wondered what he had ever seen in her. Oh yeah, he'd been on the rebound and a gorgeous woman in slutty lingerie had thrown herself at him. "What?"

She held out the Adultshop magazine. "What do you think of this one?"

"I think I should give you directions to Kings Cross and you can get a professional opinion."

Ashley frowned. This wasn't how she had expected it to go. Jack was meant to be turned on by the idea of her in such a trashy outfit. Men liked things like that. _A whore in the bedroom, a lady in the drawing room. _"Did you just call me a whore?" she asked indignantly. She'd make him pay for that. She'd make him beg for sex for at least a week.

"Can't think of a better word for someone who sleeps with her boyfriend's best friend."

"It's not like that."

"Really? So... you _didn't_ pass Chlamydia from him to her and she _didn't_ catch you guys together?"

"Well... yeah, but it wasn't like that. He seduced me, Jack, I swear! I was only young – I was twenty and he was thirty and he seduced me and I didn't know what I was supposed to do."

A woman as talented as Ashley in the bedroom being seduced and not knowing what to do? "Yeah, right. You want to talk seduction? You came into my room when I was on the rebound and threw yourself at me. I'm guessing you did it out of some warped competition with her. But I want you to know this; Gabby won't make you leave, but I will harass you until you leave, and I can be mean when it comes to the people I care about. So I suggest you pack your things and check into a hotel before I make sure feel like every inch of the whore you are."

Ashley blanched under the heat of Jack's anger. But remained defiant. "We've been best friends for twenty years," she hissed. "What the hell makes you think a stud like you can compete? I've heard all about you. You sleep around, you drink too much. How dare _you_ call _me_ a whore."

Jack felt like getting into an argument with Ashley about the fact that he was actually trying to improve his life, but decided she wasn't worth fighting with. "We'll see," he said, and went to his room. No way did he want to be in the same room as Ashley. Hell, he hated being in the same city.

* * *

"Wow, you look great," Charlotte commented when Gabrielle emerged from the staff bathroom in a black a-line skirt, red off-the-shoulder top and black high-heeled sandals. "Got a date?"

"Just a friend I'm meeting for dinner," Gabrielle lied. She was going too see a production of _Evita_ with Jack; he had bought the tickets months ago when he and Caroline had started dating, and since he had a free ticket, he had invited her to see it with him. But explaining that he was seeing a play with Jack, who had bought the tickets for his girlfriend at the time, sounded like it was too much like a date... which it wasn't. It was just two friends enjoying a night out together.

Her car was in the shop, so Jack offered to pick her up. She had to admit, she enjoyed being driven around. She and Jack shared the driving when they went out, and it was a pleasant change from always having to drive so Steve could get drunk.

"Wow," he said when he saw her. "You look almost as hot as you did at the ball."

Gabrielle blushed. Since his break-up with Caroline, he'd been more forthright with his opinion about her looks – he liked the way she looked with her hair down, he liked this or that particular dress, he hated those daggy tracksuit pants she wore to bed. She suspected part of it was to make Ashley jealous, but – Ashley wasn't here now and she found herself blushing at the compliment. "Thanks," she said. She slid into the passenger's seat.

He leaned over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "You're welcome."

"The Madonna version of that was crap. I didn't realize it was such a good play," Gabrielle said a few hours later.

"Coulda told you that."

"When she sang _Don't Cry for Me_ I thought I was going to cry. But I have to ask, why Evita? It doesn't strike me as a play you would love the way you do."

"She's the underdog, I guess. She had a lot of flaws but she came from nothing and made a lot for herself."

Gabrielle leaned into him. Every so often Jack did or said something that made her understand him that little bit more.

They got home to find Ashley surrounded by her bags. "Just wanted to let you both know I'm leaving," she said as much haughtiness as she could manage. "I know I'm not welcome here."

"Took you three days to work that out?" Jack asked coolly.

She glared at him. Then she stared at Gabrielle with such cold hate that Gabrielle shivered. Jack automatically wrapped his arm around her. "And I wanted _you_ to know that Steve and I were together for months. He said you were a lousy lay, that you just lay there like a cold fish. And that you were the worst kisser in the world. That's why he came to me. The only reason he was interested in you is that you wouldn't put out." She laughed cruelly. "If you had only held out a little longer, he probably would have married you. And you know what? I wasn't even the only one, just the only one you found out about. He was playing around on you for years. What, you think a red-blooded man like Steve was ever going to be faithful to an inept virgin like you."

That was it for Jack. He lurched forward and slapped Ashley with all the force he could manage. "Get the hell out of our house!" he screamed at her. "If I see you again I will kill you!"

Ashley cowered under Jack's strike and his death-glare like the coward that she was. Grabbing her bags, dragging them along awkwardly because neither Jack or Gabrielle was going to help her and she didn't want to have to go back to the house once she had left it, she lugged them painstakingly slow towards the door. "Screw you both," she hissed as she left.

Once she left, Gabrielle's posture crumbled. Jack led her over to the couch. "I'm sure she was making stuff up," he said.

"She wasn't," Gabrielle sobbed. "I – I've only ever been with Steve – sexually, I mean – and I've had a few dates with other men but they – they always say the same thing – that I was a lousy kisser and I felt – I felt if I had known better, maybe he wouldn't have cheated."

"Sweetheart, that's not true. You know it isn't. Steve would have cheated on you because that's just the man he is. And you said it yourself – he was the only guy you were with. So he was your first kiss, yeah?" Gabrielle nodded miserably. "And I take it _you_ weren't _his_ first?" She nodded again. "Then he should be shot for not recognizing that he needed to teach you. I've been with women less experienced and I always knew to go slow with them, to teach them – well, maybe apart from Rachel. He knew you'd never been kissed, knew you'd never had sex, and he didn't bother to teach you. Shame on him."

Gabrielle kept crying against his chest. "Look, d'you know what you did wrong?" Gabrielle shook her head against his chest. "Then... d'you mind if I kiss you?"

"Huh?"

"I've kissed a lot of women. I know what I'm doing. Maybe I can work out what you're doing wrong." Jack would never have made such a ludicrous suggestion if it hadn't been for how upset Gabrielle was. "So... let me kiss you and I can tell you that Ashley is full of it."

She liked the way Jack was determined to prove Ashley was 'full of it.' She liked the way he had jumped in to protect her. When he took the time to love someone, he loved someone, and anyone who went after them – well, Jack made you _wish_ for a rabid attack dog. "OK," she agreed shyly.

So he kissed her. Her lips felt as sweet as he had imagined (and God help him, but he had imagined it, he lived with the woman, wasn't he allowed to fantasize at times?)... but when he tried to slip his tongue in her mouth, she resisted. When he pushed against her, she pulled away. Alarm bells went off in his head. He pulled away.

"I'm sorry, I have to ask. Did Steve... did he ever force you?" Jack asked.

"No! Of course not!"

"It's just that... when I kiss you, you block me with your teeth. And you keep pulling away from me, like you don't want it. I know that feeling. I did it with Patrick whenever he tried to kiss me."

"Interesting you could give a blow job but not a kiss," she half-kidded.

"Don't make this about me, Gabby. "

"OK, fine. He used to have alcohol on his breath all the time and when he kissed me I could taste the beer slobber and – I just – I couldn't stand it. I'm not a good kisser, Jack. I wish I knew but I'm not good and – "

"Close your eyes and concentrate on my voice," Jack directed. Gabrielle closed her eyes. "I'm going to kiss you, and I want you to keep your eyes closed. Focus on my voice, my touch. " Gabrielle obeyed, closing her eyes and opening her mouth with anticipation. She inhaled his scent – God, she loved whatever aftershave he was wearing – the sensation of his tongue over her lips – the tongue she desperately wanted in her mouth. She had never craved anything like this. She ran her fingers through his hair, memorizing the texture. She shivered when he ran his tongue gently over her lips. God, but that felt good. She whimpered and tried to meet his tongue with hers but he pulled away. "Patience," he said. One hand was on the side of her neck, partly because it was such an intimate place to touch and partly so he could monitor her pulse. He waited until it was going faster then usual to push his tongue into her mouth, and she met it eagerly.

He had meant to take things slowly, but the second his tongue was in her mouth, he found himself pushing down on her, wedging her between the couch and his body. She groaned with pleasure when Jack added more pressure to her mouth. He felt like he couldn't get his tongue far enough into her mouth. "Sweet," he murmured, abandoning her mouth in favour of her neck. Her pulse was racing by now.

She gripped his hair and dragged his head back up to her mouth. "Greedy little thing, aren't you?" he said huskily and went back to plundering her mouth. In the back of his mind, he knew he was way over the line but he didn't care, she felt and tasted _so_ good. He ran his hands up and down her arms, her pulse forgotten. He pushed his knee between her legs so she spread them, bringing them up against his sides. They did this without breaking the kiss. Jack boldly placed his hand on her knee, where the skirt ended, then slowly moved it up under the material, taking in the feel of her skin under his fingertips. He moved his free hand up her skirt then reluctantly abandoned her mouth to kiss her neck and shoulders. This time, she didn't complain and he pulled down the material of her top down her arm almost to her bra.

"Jack," she cried. She looped her arms around his back, up his shirt, and he bucked against her. So he liked that. She made a mental note of it. Like the way he liked it when she trailed kisses over his collarbone – mouths weren't the only places made for kissing. Steve really hadn't know what he was doing. "Tell me what you want."

"I want to make you feel great," he said in such a way that she couldn't refuse him. He moved his hand up her leg that extra few inches so he could hook his fingers into the top of her panties. She whimpered and pushed her pelvis against his hand in consent. He could just about feel her warm wetness when there was a loud knock on the door followed by Rebecca yelling "Jack, I know you're home, your car's in the driveway."

Jack scrambled off Gabrielle. "Sorry, I have to get this." He realized just how close he'd come to having sex with her. He would have, if Rebecca hadn't come along. Jesus Christ, what had he been thinking?

He quickly rebuttoned his shirt before opening the door. "Hi," he said sheepishly.

She took in the situation. He looked flushed, his mouth was moist, he'd screwed up on a button and Gabrielle on the couch had her top pulled down on one side, which she was hastily pulling up. They both looked flushed and guilty.

Jack saw the understanding come into her eyes. "Bec, I swear it's not what it looks like," he said, which was a singularly stupid thing to say because it was exactly what it looked like.

Rebecca struck him hard. "You _asshole_," she hissed at him. "You say you don't want to be like your dad – what the hell do you call _that_?"

She stormed out the door and Jack was torn between hashing things out with Gabrielle or trying to explain what had happened to Rebecca. In the end, he chose Rebecca. "Give me a few minutes," he said before going after her. "Bec, stop, let me explain."

"Explain what? How could you cheat after everything your dad did? How could you do this to Caroline?"

"Caroline dumped me."

"I'm sorry." For a second Rebecca's anger was diffused. "I'm sorry. Why?"

"She thought Gabby and I were too close and she couldn't compete with that."

The anger returned. "And you don't think there's something wrong with that? You don't think it's a little suspect that you're making out with her a couple of days after you broke up with her? You don't think it's wrong to be closer to a friend then you are your girlfriend? You fucked up the best thing that happened to you, Jack."

"No, _Gabby's_ the best thing that happened to me,"

"You've _got_ to be kidding me. D'you know how pathetic that sounds?"

"She's the only person who makes me feel like she has my back."

"What are you talking about? _I_ have your back."

"No, you don't. She knows things about me that you don't."

"Like what?"

For a moment, the temptation to unburden his soul to the sister he loved so dearly almost proved to be too much. Then Jack backed off. He couldn't expose her to that. "It doesn't matter."

"Like hell it doesn't. I'm your _sister_, Jack. I'm the only family you've got." That he cared about, at least. She didn't know much about Jack's dad and step-mother and half-brothers, only that he had grown up feeling emotionally neglected. "Or does she mean more to you then me that you'll talk to her and not me?"

"Don't be stupid."

"Then tell me!" She actually screamed the three words out because she was fed up with Jack's vagueness. She had caught him making out with his housemate days after breaking up with his girlfriend, she deserved to know what was going in that secretive head of his

"OK, fine, you want to know? I was physically abused by my step-mum for as long as I can remember until I was fifteen." He grabbed her hands and brought them around his back and under his shirt. "Feel that? That's from years of Stella belting me for any little thing."

"You're making that up. Stop it."

"Oh, you think I just gave myself these scars for the fun of it? She was a malicious woman and I spent my childhood in fear of her. I'm not blaming you for me getting the short end of the stick, but you had parents who loved you and I had a dad who didn't give a shit and a step-mother who hated me."

"Stop! I don't want to hear anymore!" Jack's comment about her parents – his mother and step-father – brought back an old guilty feeling, the knowledge that Jack really had gotten the short end of the stick when it came to their parents.

"You wanted to know so you're going to hear it." He hadn't let go of her hands so they were still pressed against his back and with every passing seconds the scars felt deeper and uglier. And because he was holding her hands against his skin, she couldn't block her ears with them. "I grew up being called dumb and a whore just like my mother and that I'd never amount to anything. And that wasn't even the worst of it. I met this man I thought was awesome – he was the father I'd always wanted, he encouraged me and set me up with odd jobs and let me use his pool – and when I was thirteen he raped me and sexually abused me for two years until I guess I was too old and too used for his tastes."

"_STOP IT_!" Rebecca screamed, barely able to comprehend the kind of cruelty that Jack had been exposed to. _Not_ being able to comprehend it would have been a mercy. But deep down, she knew it was true. She knew Jack didn't lie, and he wasn't perverted enough to think sexual abuse was a joke.

"No! You wanted to know so here it is. Gabrielle's one of the few people who knows about it. I had a nightmare one time. She helped get me back to sleep and spent the night with me and ever since she's been so supportive in such stupid small ways that only make sense when you come home from an awful counseling session and someone you love is there with a hot meal and backrub." His voice softened. "I love her, Bec. How could I not, after all she's done for me, all the times she's been there for me? And no, I didn't love Caroline the same. I didn't even _love_ Caroline. Maybe my relationship with Gabby interfered with my relationship with Caroline but I won't give her up. Not for any girlfriend."

Rebecca was crying now. Jack hated that he'd made her cry but was glad that she knew now. "I'm sorry it had to be this way," he said quietly, and took his sobbing sister in his arms. He remembered a conversation he had had with Gabrielle months ago, about how someone like Rachel was never going to understand him because she lacked the exposure to cruelty and selfishness that made her hard, and able to relate to his own hardness. Rebecca was the same. Not that he would have wished that kind of hardness on his sister but he realized she would never really 'get' it. She would be sympathetic, horrified... but not really get it. She was too innocent to fully grasp the extent of the horror he'd been through.

But she was determined to try. "Can we talk?" she asked after she had stopped crying. "Don't spare me. I want to know everything."

Of course he wasn't going to tell her everything. But he appreciated that she was trying.

They talked until the first lights of dawn stretched over the sky.

* * *

"What happened to 'a few minutes?'" Gabrielle asked later that day when Jack emerged from his room. She'd thought she'd heard him come in at about 6 in the morning but wasn't sure.

"Sorry. We exchanged words, she wanted to know why we were so close and... I ended up telling her about Stella and Patrick."

Gabrielle couldn't help but beam, despite the tragic circumstances. "I'm so glad," she said. "She had a right to know. _I'd_ want to know if it was _my_ brother."

He gave her a rueful smile. "Yeah, I guess. Look, I, um, I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry for what happened last night. I didn't mean for things to go as far as they did. If it's worth anything, I would have stopped before we did something we _really_ regretted." That was a lie, but in this case, a pretty lie really was better than the ugly truth – that he had been so hot for her, he would have screwed her on that couch if she had let him.

Gabrielle blushed at that. She was glad Jack had that kind of restraint, because she would have let him do whatever he wanted last night. _Let him?_ She would have been a willing participant. "It's fine. I was upset. You were sweet, the way you wanted to help and... you were right, things got carried away."

"Would you like me to move out?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Move out. Look, it's obvious I'm attracted to you... if you don't feel safe around me, given my history, I'd understand."

She smiled at him. "Jack... you actually paid me a compliment. A good-looking young surgeon finds me attractive when there must've been dozens of women in your life more glamorous then me."

He laughed at that one. Laughed almost hysterically to a point that Gabrielle was worried. "You have something beyond attractive, beyond glamour... you're beautiful. You have this aura of love and loyalty that... Gabby, given what took place last night, I know what I'm about to say will sound kind of incestuous, but if I'd had a mother or step-mother like you, I would have been a far better man."

It was the greatest compliment she had ever received, insinuations of incest aside. He had called her beautiful. Beyond attractiveness, beyond sexiness... she was _beautiful_. "You're a great man already, Jack," she said. "The greatest I've ever known. "

He kissed her chastely on the forehead. She was disappointed he didn't try for her mouth. "Thanks," he said gratefully. "You're my best friend. You always will be."

She was strangely disappointed that he didn't offer more.


	7. Chapter 7

"Jack, we just want to know if you've seen anything, heard anything...?"

Jack gripped the side of the chair he was sitting in. If Zoe wasn't he boss, his would be calling her a whole bunch of nasty names right now. He couldn't believe she could make insinuations like this about Charlotte, that she had made a pass at Rhiannon, and worse, that she had attempted to blackmail the younger woman. He _knew_ Charlotte, knew she would never do something like that. "If I had, I wouldn't tell you anything," Jack said defiantly, then realised that wasn't the brightest thing to say if he wanted to protect Charlotte.

"Jack, you need to take a step away from this. The reason I'm talking to you is... well, your history with Charlotte isn't exactly a secret and, well, you _were_ her subordinate at the time."

Zoe regretted the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. Jack and Charlotte's closeness was well-known and while they may have spent a night together years ago, they were nothing more hen close friends now and resented any implication to the contrary. To go one step further and imply that maybe Charlotte had taken advantage of a subordinate – "I'm sorry, Jack. I just need to ask these questions. Remember when you had to interfere with Bart and Annie's relationship? That wasn't pleasant for you and this isn't pleasant for me."

The words went straight over Jack's head. "How dare you," he spat in such a way that a less tolerant boss then Zoe would have had him written up. "You of all people should know that even if Charlotte _did_ come onto me – which she didn't, _I_ came onto _her_ – by that point there was nothing left to corrupt. And you are really starting to piss me off if you think Charlotte could ever do something like that – to me, to Rhiannon, to anyone." With that, Jack stormed out to go and find Charlotte.

He found her in the gardens, looking worried – and sad. "Hey," he said gently. "I just got told about Rhiannon."

She tried to smile at Jack but failed miserably. "I can't believe she'd say something like that. I would never – "

"I know you wouldn't, Char. D'you mind telling me what happened?"

"I – she told me a few weeks ago that she was a lesbian. She was really embarrassed about it so I told her about me, that it took me a long time to realise you fall in love with a person, not a gender. I guess she thought I was available or interested or – I don't know, but she kissed me. I didn't think anything of it, but – Jack, I don't know why she did it. Did she think I'd rejected her? Did it make her feel better to say I'd made a pass at her?"

Jack hugged her. "I have no idea."

"You told me when I first took her on that there was something suss about how much she was willing to do for me," Charlotte remembered.

"If you think I'm going to say 'I told you so', I'm not that insensitive."

"Oh, Jack." It felt good to be in his arms, good to know someone automatically assumed her innocence and had her back, but she knew the comfort would be fleeting. "What am I going to do?"

"What are _we_ going to do, you mean?" he corrected.

She shook her head against his chest, reluctant to leave the comfort of his arms. "I can't ask you to get involved with this," she insisted.

"You don't have to ask, I'm offering. You're one of my girls, remember?"

She finally rewarded him with a genuine smile. "That I am," she said, and for a second, their ages were reversed and she had someone older and wiser she could lean on. "You're a great mate, Jack. The best. If i could trade you for my actual brother, I would."

He kissed the top of her head, feeling very brotherly. He wanted to hurt Rhiannon for what she was putting Charlotte through. "Why don't we go home and you can kick back and relax while I make dinner."

* * *

"Eat. That scotch must be burning a hole through your stomach."

Jack absently accepted the plate of food Gabrielle offered him – one of his favourite of her meals, fried chicken and mashed potatoes – and began to eat mechanically. She could tell it was a chore for him, despite the fact he hadn't eaten since lunch and his stomach had to be revolting at the scotch on its emptiness. "You wanna talk about it?" she asked, shifting behind him so she could rub his shoulder. God, he was tense. Something had really upset him.

"Rhiannon was trying to pal up with me again, made this comment that I have no idea what it's like to have to fight off unwanted sexual attention. I wanted to smack her. How _dare_ she?"

"Jack, she didn't do it deliberately."

"I know." Jack raked his hand through his hair. "It's just – Charlotte's going through so much because of her lies and it just – pisses me of that she can turn around and pretend like she _knows what it's like_."

She hugged him and he relaxed slightly. She liked how he relaxed around her. "I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of this," she said.

"Are you kidding? You got caught in the middle far worse then me. I can snub her all I like. You have to be professional with her. I don't envy you."

She squeezed his hand gratefully. "I'm glad you understand," she said. "And hey, I have something that might cheer you up. Tanya called me about doing something for your birthday. So I organised for Ricki and Dan to have the night off and Zoe gave you and Charlotte the night off and Tanya rounded up some of your mates from uni – uh, Matthew and Brianna I think their names are."

"They're the only ones of my mates who are based on Sydney," Jack explained. "And thankyou, but I don't celebrate my birthdays."

"Too bad, I'm not cancelling now. It would be rude."

Jack squirmed. "Gabby, I don't like celebrating birthdays. They were Stella's favourite time of year to take her anger out on me."

"Well then that's perfect, you can start a new tradition of celebrating birthdays with people who you care about – and who care about you. And anyway, Rebecca was delighted I'd convinced you to have a birthday party. Apparently she's been nagging you since you guys met. " Jack, realizing Gabrielle wasn't going to accept a 'no' from him. And she'd been clever, bringing Rebecca into it.

So the following Saturday he found himself with friends and family, Tanya, Brianna and Matthew delighting their captive audience with stories of Jack when he was in university. Being the secretive man that he was, they were a veritable goldmine of information. And he was surprised to realize he was having a lot of fun. It had been a long time since he'd had fun like this – apart from when he'd run amuck when he'd first gone to uni, and he wasn't sure that counted, because that had been a breakneck determination to do whatever he damn well pleased now that he was emancipated with a scholarship and stipend, with little regard for anyone else's feelings. But this was different. This was people he cared about, people who cared about him.

He had a quiet moment with her in the kitchen. "Thankyou for this," he murmured, hugging her from behind. He liked the way she felt against him. "I know I didn't want it but – sometimes you know me better than I do."

"You're welcome." When he kissed the back of her head, she couldn't help but think of their steamy make-out session a few weeks ago.

Tanya walked in on that moment and asked, in her best English, where the toilet was. Jack had really laid down the law about using English when it was more then just the two of them. She guessed it was because of Gabrielle. If she was based in Sydney, she would be the token brunette of the Blond Mafia, sliding in over even Rebecca. And he'd never bothered to make her speak English to him in front of Rebecca. So Gabrielle must be pretty damn special to him.

She liked Gabrielle. She loved Jack. And Gabrielle seemed to make him happy. And God knew, Jack needed someone who made him happy. "What's the deal with you and her?" she asked, in Russian, when she got Jack alone.

"Nothing," he said, far too quickly. Tanya gave him a Look. Sometimes Jack wondered if Tanya knew what had happened to him, she seemed able to see right through to his soul sometimes. "OK, fine. She's my best friend and we may have... uh... kissed a few weeks ago."

"_Kissed_?" Tanya asked with a knowing smirk. She knew Jack far better then he thought she did sometimes.

"OK... made out," he admitted. "But nothing else happened, I swear. And it didn't even mean anything. She was upset and one thing sort of led to another..."

"Jack, you're not fourteen anymore. Sometimes I wonder if you were _ever_ fourteen. This isn't about hoping the girl will let her kiss you at the end of the school social. What are you going to lose by making your move?"

"It's more complicated then that. Neither of us is in a position to be in a relationship right now. I don't want to wreck our friendship by making a pass at her."

Tanya gave a deep sigh. "You know, Jack, for someone almost as smart as I am, you can be really stupid when it comes to women."

Later that night, he was sitting up in bed reading when Gabrielle came in with two mugs of hot chocolate. "Thought you could do with a nightcap," she said, setting them down on his bedside table.

"Thanks." He shifted so she could sit next to him, then changed his mind and positioned her so she was sitting between his legs. He liked the intimate feeling that came from having her this way and told himself it was strictly platonic intimacy. He couldn't help but think of what Tanya had said that afternoon, and told himself that she didn't know what she was talking about.

"I wanted to give you your present in private," she said, handing him a small giftwrapped box.

"Gabs, you didn't need to get me anything. Seriously. Just organizing my friends to come over was enough."

"Well, I can't take it back now, I had it engraved. So you'd be being rude if you don't accept it."

"You certainly have a blunt manner sometimes, don't you, farmgirl?" He unwrapped the box to see an elegant solid man's bracelet made of what looked like pewter – Jack recognized the dull sheen, as opposed to the bright shininess of silver or white gold. He first traced his finger over the engraving inside it before angling it so he could read it. _To my best mate now and forever, Gabby_. "Gabby, it's – "

"You said a while ago that both your brothers got expensive watches on their sixteenths and it was one of Stella's little meanesses – you've already got a watch but I figured that's worth more then anything they got – and I bet Stella didn't look as hard as I did for that."

"Where'd you find it?"

"Not telling." But she now knew almost every small jewellery store in Sydney – like hell she was getting Jack anything from Zamels, Prouds or any other of those chain stores.

"It's beautiful. Thankyou. You are one of the sweetest people I have ever met." Gabrielle squirmed under his compliment. They stayed up talking until the early hours of the morning and Gabrielle reluctantly left his room for her own.

* * *

Rhiannon was making it clear what she thought of lesbians. "It's so unnatural," she said, wrinkling up her nose in distaste. "I don't know how anyone can stand to do it."

"Really? I always enjoyed it." Jack couldn't resist goading her. Everytime he saw Rhiannon, he wanted to scratch her eyes out. She was creating all this trouble for Charlotte, making people talk about her, making people doubt her integrity while painting herself as the put-upon employee. And to boot, she'd thrown in his face that comment about not knowing what it was like to have to fight off unwanted sexual attention. Ha, she would _love_ it if Charlotte showed her sexual attention, unwanted or not.

Rhiannon looked at him with as much haughty distaste as she could, although rumour had it that Jack was very good in bed and if she were that way inclined, she might be interested. "Really? I've heard men who like to brag are usually terrible at it."

"Dunno, why don't you go ask Charlotte?" Jack suggested with such poisoned sweetness that everyone at the table felt it.

"I'm sorry?" Rhiannon asked before Zoe could interject. She knew of Jack's loyalty to Charlotte, knew how much he despised Rhiannon – this could only end badly.

"Oh, Charlotte didn't say anything?" Jack asked with that same poisoned sweetness. "And here was me thinking you guys were _so close_ that she thought she could make a pass at you. Guess you're not as good a friend as you thought you were. _Or_ that good at following hospital gossip. Really, she miscarried three years ago and it's _still_ one of the best pieces of scandal to ever hit this hospital."

Oh, God, it was delicious watching Rhiannon go a fascinating shade of white. Jack had been practicing medicine for five years and he'd never seen someone in otherwise good health go so white. So, Charlotte hadn't told her. Which told Jack more then before that Rhiannon had been more an employee then a friend to her. "You're making that up," she spat at him. "No way would Charlotte go anywhere near someone like you."

"Well, we _were_ pretty drunk," Jack admitted. "But she did want it. Never known a woman not to want it with me." He said this with deliberate and sensual slowness that even though it was directed at Rhiannon, Zoe and Erica felt it. _So sorry, Charlotte_, he said to her mentally for airing their dirty laundry like this. But God, it was worth seeing Rhiannon look both sick and fascinated at the same time.

"Jack, I suggest you _shut up_," Zoe warned him.

"What?" Jack asked innocently. "She brought it up. I was merely correcting her." And Zoe knew he had her there.

Charlotte heard about it through Gabrielle, and attempted to admonish him over it, although her heart wasn't in it. "You shouldn't have said it. She'll be gunning for you now."

"I know. But I can outsmart her. Besides, if you'd seen the look on her face... I think she couldn't decide whether she wanted to throw up with disgust or press me for details."

Charlotte was laughing. It was a nasty thing to do, but she appreciated he'd gone into bat for her. "You're sweet. I appreciate everything you've done for me." He'd babysat Zach for the day, and then made dinner for her. "Especially after I replaced you with Rhiannon."

"That's fine, Char. I mean, I got that at the time I didn't have much spare time. I was pretty pissed off at the time but I get that you're a working mum and you need a reliable carer."

"Speaking of which – I mean, the fact you didn't have a lot of spare time – you think about dating again?"

Jack shook his head. "Still hurts a bit – I still miss Caroline and I don't want to lead someone on while I still have feelings for her. Besides, I have a lot of awesome women in my life so she'd need to be someone pretty special to meet my standards." Which Caroline kind of had been – if she hadn't been so jealous. Then Jack remembered his steamy make-out session with Gabrielle and knew he couldn't entirely blame Caroline for that.

"That's very mature. What about you and Gabrielle? What's going on there?"

Jack struggled not to blush. First Tanya, now Charlotte. He wondered if Tanya was saying something in that none-too-discreet way she could sometimes do. He had long ago learnt that Tanya had a way of letting things slip with exquisite time and then hiding behind her so-called 'poor language skills'. "It's nothing," he said. "We're just good mates. I think when you work with someone and live with them you either become really close or you end up hating each other."

It sounded plausible, but Jack's explanation seemed just the tiniest bit off. Still Charlotte decided to drop it. She didn't have enough hard info to risk him digging in stubbornly the way he did.

* * *

"Zoe, I want to make a complaint."

"About what? A few crass comments – which you instigated, incidentally – at an informal social event. Don't forget, he's Oliver Marone's pet." This was largely because he was able to liaise pretty well between the ED, pathology – even with his break-up with Caroline – and admin. "You want to make an issue out of this and you're going to end up with egg on your face."

Rhiannon backed off, simmering with anger and humiliation. Charlotte had never mentioned her one-night stand with Jack or the daughter they'd conceived and lost as a result. For some reason, that hurt more then the events themselves. She had thought she and Charlotte were close, but Charlotte hadn't even bothered to tell her something that was public knowledge.

And the idea of Jack Quade with his filthy, womanizing hands all over her made her want to be sick. More then that... the way he had looked at her at Cougars. He really had seduction down to an artform. She remembered the way he had looked at her – like he could seduce her in a heartbeat if he could be bothered. And he had given such a heated look that Zoe and Erica could feel it... but there wasn't much you could say about the way someone had _looked_ at you. Damn him, he was a genius when it came to making signs that she couldn't make a solid complaint about.

She frowned. Well, she could be underhanded, too.

A few days later, Jack came storming in, waving a piece of paper in her direction. She smiled smugly. So he had gotten the summons. "You underhanded little _bitch_," he hissed when he got within a metre of her. "You know perfectly well she didn't corrupt me."

Rhiannon did her best to look innocent. "Really? She's, what, fifteen years older then you and was your superior at the time?"

"Rhiannon, by the time I was five years _younger_ then when I first met Charlotte, I had slept with more women then she had. You know perfectly well she didn't _corrupt_ me."

"Jack, what's this about?" Zoe asked. She and Gabrielle, seeing a confrontation that could end up with one of them – probably Jack – hitting the other, had rushed over to try and diffuse the situation between their subordinates.

Jack shoved the piece of paper in Zoe's hands. Zoe skimmed over it. It was a summons to appear as a witness in the defamation lawsuit between Charlotte and Rhiannon – _against_ Charlotte. For a brief moment, Zoe felt like hitting Rhiannon herself. If Rhiannon's plan was to try and create a pattern of Charlotte's for coming onto subordinates, going after Jack was an extremely bad move on her part. Jack was devoted to Charlotte, and having to testify against her was a knife in the heart. That, and Zoe knew perfectly well that they were at least equally responsible for their tryst, and quite frankly, given Jack's promiscuity, she wouldn't be surprised if it had been more on his part then hers.

Zoe handed the summons to Gabrielle, who cringed. She appreciated better then Zoe how angry this made Jack. OK, so Jack hadn't been at his kindest, throwing his relationship with Charlotte in Rhiannon's face, but this was just plain mean and vengeful on Rhiannon's part.

"Tell you what," Jack hissed, getting so into Rhiannon's face that Rhiannon stepped back, frightened of this man she had angered by questioning the integrity of a close friend. "You had better hope like hell that you get a bunch of liberal men to plead your case too, because that little look I gave you at Cougars? Nothing on what I _can_ do. I will seduce every woman there with a look until none of them will be able to fault Charlotte... and not one of them will believe she's interested in women anymore, let alone would force herself onto one. And by the time I'm done, every conservative man in the room will think I did heterosexuality a massive favour. So unless you get a bunch of men who are actually _sympathetic_ to gays, you are plum out of luck." He snatched the summons out of Gabrielle's hand and turned to Zoe. "I don't want to work with her again," he said in a cold voice before storming off.

"Prick," Rhiannon muttered.

That was all Gabrielle could take. "You know perfectly well she didn't come onto him, let alone corrupt him. You're just trying to come between them." She took a second to calm down. "I'm sorry," she said, more so Zoe could witness her apology then out of any sincerity. "That was a personal comment, not a professional one. He's hurting for Charlotte, and I hate seeing him hurting." _And whatever you're playing at, it's affecting my relationship with both of them_. "Zoe, I'll be in the office doing rosters if you need me." She needed the sanctuary before she completely lost it at Rhiannon for upsetting Jack.

Half an hour later after staring blankly at the rosters, Zoe knocked on the door. "You OK?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You seemed pretty upset."

"It's just I know how much Charlotte means to Jack – and it really is like an older sister, there's nothing more to it then that. When she first made the allegations, she tried to pal up to Jack and made this comment about how he had no idea what it was like to have to fight off unwanted sexual attention – you can just imagine how well _that_ went down."

Zoe cringed. Rhiannon wasn't to know, of course, but it was the singularly most stupid thing you could say to Jack. "Listen, how close are you guys exactly?" She seemed to be taking this aggro between Jack and Rhiannon awfully personal, especially given she needed to maintain her professionalism in light of Rhiannon's allegations against Charlotte.

"We're just mates."

"Because if there's anything else going on... it needs to be above-board. Jack's created too much trouble with this ward's staff for him to start being deceptive."

"There's nothing to be deceptive over," Gabrielle said, deciding their make-out session didn't count because she'd been so upset and he'd only been trying to cheer her up.

"If you say so."

"I say so."

* * *

Charlotte gripped Jack's hand tightly as they walked up the court room steps together. They hadn't been allowed to discuss the case together after Jack had been summoned, but that didn't meant they couldn't walk _really_ close together – close enough to hold hands. "You'll be fine," Jack assured her. "It's her word against mine. And she's going to look pretty stupid, trying to make me testify against you." Once again, Charlotte was deeply grateful for the support Jack had given her in these last few weeks.

Charlotte struggled to come to terms with how badly things had gone in the last few weeks. Rhiannon had refused to back down. In a way, Charlotte felt kind of sorry for her. Having felt rejected by Charlotte, she had lashed out and told Gabrielle she had made a pass at her. Having made the complaint, she couldn't get out of it, and when Charlotte had called her bluff by threatening to take her to court – it had all ended up in a big mess and Charlotte knew Rhiannon wished she could take it back.

... But not so badly that she would recant her allegations. Rhiannon had come to her, asking her to drop the charges in return for dropped allegations. But things had gone too far for that. If Charlotte dropped the allegations, she would all but be admitting she had forced herself onto Rhiannon. Unless Rhiannon publicly recanted, Charlotte felt that she was forced to go through with the defamation lawsuit.

Being on the stand was awful, and that was even before they got Jack up there. She had to admit, her personal life hadn't been the greatest. Marriage to a university sweetheart which had ended in her cheating on him with another woman, a series of flings and short-term relationships, only to have to one semi-longish relationship broken up when Addy thought she flirted too much with men – and then Jack, and then Spence... Rhiannon's lawyers portrayed her as a woman who didn't know what she wanted out of a relationship.

_But that doesn't mean I forced myself on her!_ Charlotte had wanted to screamed, but she knew how damning the evidence was already. If she lost her temper, she would look even worse. God, she hated Rhiannon right now.

Unbeknownst to her, Frank had spoken to Rhiannon partway through the proceedings. He knew Rhiannon still cared about her, and seeing Charlotte put through the wringer like that – she had never meant for things to end up like this. She had just wanted Charlotte to like her, and when she had realised Charlotte didn't return her feelings and then she'd seen her talking to Zoe, she'd assumed Charlotte was saying something to her superior, so Rhiannon had gone running to Gabrielle, her own superior, to get her story in first. Then Jack had got involved and everything had turned so ugly and public.

Now, seeing her lawyers tearing Charlotte to shreds over her personal life, Rhiannon felt insanely guilty, so it was easy for Frank to appeal to her more humane side. "You know how to make things right," he reminded the nurse. "You know she doesn't deserve to go through this. You know how to stop it."

So when the court resumed, Rhiannon gathered her courage and admitted she had made it up, despite her lawyer's protests. She signed a document admitting to it, acknowledging that in doing so, she could be charged for lying under oath. Oh, God, _she had lied under oath_.

She searched the chaotic court room for Charlotte, and her heart sank. Jack was hugging her, then picking her up and swinging her around as easily if she was a ragdoll, Charlotte's arms around him, squealing like a girl. Despite the age difference, they looked like a happy couple, especially when Gabrielle brought little Zach in with his pram and left them to it.

"I knew you'd get through it," Jack said, and impulsively kissed her on the mouth. It lasted all of a second and reminded him as nothing else did how little chemistry there was between them now. But it wasn't lost on Rhiannon. "Look, it's early, why don't we go for a walk before I take you home. The court gardens are so pretty."

So they went for a walk in the gardens, stopping to sit on a park bench while Zach cooed at the birds flying overheard. Charlotte leaned her head on Jack's shoulder. All of a sudden, she felt so tired. The last few week's events had been so tiring. "I don't know how I would have gotten through this without you," she said gratefully. "If you want – I mean, if you have the time free and you still want to – I'd like you to take care of Zach again at nights."

Jack squeezed her hand. "That means a lot to me. But I've been thinking a lot lately and there's something you need to know about me before you let me take care of Zach. In my paranoia, I actually thought it was the reason you didn't want me taking care of him in the first place."

Charlotte's brow furrowed in confusion. "I'm sorry, I'm not following. It wasn't that I didn't _want_ you taking care of Zach anymore, it was that I couldn't rely on you."

"Yeah, I know that now, but at the time – look, this is kind of hard for me to talk about, so you'll have to forgive me if I babble a lot. D'you remember asking me why I left last year and I said I got squeamish at the sight of blood." Charlotte nodded, knowing at the time it had been a total croc. You didn't get to be a surgical registrar by being squeamish about blood. "Well, that was a lie."

"Kinda figured that, Jack."

"And d'you remember a patient we had towards the end of last year, Patrick Wesley? He came in the same day my mate Travis got shot. Actually, Travis was the one who had attacked him." Yes, Charlotte remembered that, too. She remembered wondering who Travis was to Jack, because Travis was from the kind of working-class background that Jack had run like hell from more then ten years previously. "Well, Travis came from the same area I did. I didn't know him when we were growing up – he's five years younger then me and I tended to hang out with older people 'cos I skipped a few grades – but he contacted me last year because we had Patrick in common. He, uh, he was a pedophile."

"Jack, how do you know – "

"How the hell do you _think_ I know, Charlotte?" Jack asked with such anger and bitterness that Zach started screaming. "Sorry. I'm just sick of being asked stupid questions about it. Dan's first question was why I didn't tell my dad. Like I wouldn't have if I'd thought he could handle it. I've met neo-Nazis less homophobic then him."

"Oh, Jack." Charlotte grabbed his hand. "What happened?"

Jack sniffled. "He, uh, raped me the first time then offered me the _alternative_ of giving a blow job the next time. Didn't always stop him but... I tell myself it was survival instinct and because it was coercion it doesn't make it any less sexual abuse, but... I think part of my attraction to you was the challenge of turning you. For a long time I thought that if I could make enough women want me, that was proof of me being straight. I'm sorry I did that to you."

He'd been sexually abused for God knew how long, and he was apologizing over something as minor as that? Like she cared, especially not at this late point. "It's fine. I don't get what this has to do with Zach, though."

"Uh... do you _really_ want someone who's been sexually abused by a man looking after your son? You know that made me preconditioned to – well, you know."

_To become a sexual abuser himself_. Charlotte's instinct reaction was to slap Jack across the back of his head. "Ow!" he cried out, ducking his head and rubbing his hand where she'd struck him. "What the hell was that for?"

"For having such little faith in yourself, not to mention my judgment. I'd be more worried about those transference issues everyone keeps talking about before I wasn't worried about you being capable of hurting my son. I see you around him, Jack. You have this knack with him – better then Spence did. And it's not just because you've been such a help to me, either. If thought you were capable of hurting him or even of loving him for the wrong reasons, I wouldn't let you anywhere near him. Please, Jack, you would be doing both of us the world of good if you agreed to take care of him again."

Jack beamed through his tears. It was beyond his highest of hopes that Charlotte would say something like that. He hugged her so tightly she struggled against him for breath. "Let's go home," he said.

So he and Charlotte spent the rest of the evening together, making dinner together, taking care of Zach, working through several bottles of wine and laughing over the past, both shared and individual. Jack couldn't have imagined what a relief it would be for Charlotte to know about Patrick.

The phone rang. Giggling, Charlotte picked it up. "Hello?" she asked.

The was crying down the phone. "Charlotte, it's Rhiannon."

Charlotte clenched her teeth. Rhiannon was the last person she wanted o speak to right now. "I'm sorry, Rhiannon," she said as civilly as she could manage. "But I'm in the middle of something right now."

"Is that Rhiannon?" she heard through the phone, a stupid question because Charlotte had already established who it was. And Rhiannon knew exactly who the male voice was. Jack Bloody Quade. _He_ hadn't wasted his time, had he? "Hang up the phone," Jack ordered.

"I'm sorry, I have to go," Charlotte said, and she hung up on Rhiannon. _Hung up on her!_ Rhiannon supposed she deserved it, but to be hung up on so she could go back to Jack Quade.

Back in her living room, Charlotte placed her hands on her hips. "That was rude," she admonished him playfully.

"'Cos making up crap about you wasn't?" he returned. And when he smiled at her in that cute way and held up a filled glass of wine, she decided she couldn't hold his rudeness against him.

The phone rang again half an hour later. Charlotte got it again. It was Rhiannon again. "Look, I'm having fun, more fun then I've had in _weeks_ because of you, so I'll speak to you when it's convenient," she snapped, and hung up the phone.

This happened once more, and by the forth call, it was Jack who took it, and he was far less polite then Charlotte had been. "Leave us the fuck alone, you lying dyke bitch, or I'll make sure Charlotte takes a restraining order against you. And don't think I won't use every bit of influence I have on Gabrielle to ensure that you _never_ work with us again. Not that anyone trusts you. So _fuck off_." And with that he slammed down the phone, something that only made Jack feel better – not Rhiannon worse – because you couldn't tell on the other end the difference between the phone being put down gently and being slammed down. All you heard was the _click_ of the disconnected signal, which may as well have been the click of a gun being aimed at Rhiannon's heart, for how badly it broke it.

_Jack was moving in on Charlotte_. Maybe they had already done the deed. Maybe that was the 'fun time' she had interrupted with her call. Maybe they were already in bed together, his filthy hands all over her, sticking it to her with that disgusting appendage... Rhiannon stuffed her fist into her mouth in order not to cry, then realised that it wasn't like there was anyone around to care if she cried or not.

She reached for a bottle of vodka, poured herself a hefty amount, started to mix it with orange juice, then thought the better of it and downed it straight, hoping for the liquor to dull the images of Jack and Charlotte in bed from her mind. Instead, they only heightened the images, and after a few hours when she stumbled drunkenly into the shower, her razor perched in its suctioned holder on the wall was the only thing she could focus on...

* * *

"Jack, that _really_ was rude," Charlotte admonished him, seriously this time, after his confrontation with Rhiannon.

Jack immediately was contrite. He knew yelling would achieve nothing but making him feel like a jerk tomorrow when he was sober, but God, the woman had it coming. "I'm sorry," he said. He pulled the cord out of the phone. "Let's not talk about it anymore. We've both had enough of Rhiannon Wilson to last a lifetime, so lets at least have tonight to enjoy ourselves before we have to face her in the morning."

The next morning, Charlotte, feeling guilty at the way Jack had spoken to Rhiannon, tried to call her former baby-sitter. There was no answer. By ten o'clock, Gabrielle was getting irritated because Rhiannon was slated for an eight o'clock start and they were short of nurses as it was. "I'll go over there," Charlotte said resignedly.

"You sure that's a good idea?" Gabrielle asked. Jack had already informed her, with the kind of malice that he reserved for those who attached his Blond Mafia (or its honorary brunette) about how Rhiannon had first recanted then made an ass of herself calling Charlotte, desperate for a reconciliation.

"It can't hurt. I'm just worried she's skulking around, terrified of Jack."

"Can't say I blame her. Jack looks like he'd slit her throat as soon as he'd work with her." The truth was, Gabrielle knew she was going to have to replace Rhiannon, but only a few weeks before Rhiannon had made her allegation against Charlotte, Gabrielle had offered her a permanent part-time position and Rhiannon had accepted. Which meant even though no-one trusted her after she had lied about one of their most beloved staff members, she couldn't actually fire her. She had to wait until Rhiannon left of her own accord.

Hell, maybe she already had. It might leave Gabrielle short-staffed, but it solved the problem of having a whole ED staff against the woman.

Charlotte went over to Rhiannon's, a dreary house that made Charlotte wonder why the nurse had bothered to recently move out of home into _this_. Then she smiled to herself. Her first place hadn't been a palace, either. She knocked on the door, and when there was no answer, the tried it. It was unlocked, and Charlotte let herself in. "Rhiannon?" she called. Her car was in the driveway and Charlotte doubted she would have gone for a walk without locking the door, which meant she was most likely at home and hiding. "Rhiannon, it's me, Charlotte. Look, I just wanted to tell you – Jack didn't mean what he said. He was just pissed in more ways then one." She knew Jack had meant every word, but Charlotte hoped to get him to control his temper. "You were meant to start over two hours ago. Rhiannon?" Now Charlotte was beginning to get worried. Surely if Rhiannon hadn't wanted to see her, she would come out and say so.

Charlotte spied an empty bottle of vodka on the table. She didn't know how much had been in it, but she didn't see any mixer and she knew Rhiannon didn't drink much, so she had probably gotten completely wasted last night, and alone, with no-one who cared about her to watch her if she had too much. She started searching the house room by room, deliberately leaving the bathroom for last because of what she was afraid of what she would find...

"_Rhiannon_," she whispered, horrified. She lifted the woman out of the bath, trying to work out how much blood there was. So much, but she had slit her wrists in the bath, so the water made it hard to gauge. The water wasn't yet a really deep red that would indicate a lot of blood, so maybe that meant...

She called an ambulance and went in with her to All Saints – it was the closest hospital, despite Charlotte's protestations, they wouldn't take her anywhere else. After that, she kept up with her progress through Gabrielle, knowing she couldn't get too involved with a woman who had been friend and nanny – and for whom she was partially responsible for her suicide attempt.

Gabrielle had difficulty getting hold of Rhiannon's father. "Senator Wilson has all these press conferences, doesn't have time for his own daughter," Gabrielle griped in frustration.

Charlotte's eyes went wide. "_Senator_ David Wilson is Rhiannon's father?" she asked incredulously. Gabrielle nodded, not making the connection. "He's very anti-gay rights." Charlotte had known who he was ever since he had emerged from public service into politics on an anti-gay platform. "No wonder she couldn't tell her father."

"I'm sorry, are you telling me Rhiannon's _gay_?" Gabrielle asked. Charlotte nodded, realizing she had let a detail slip. "Anything else I don't know."

"Um... Jack had the most unholy go at her last night?" Charlotte offered.

"Oh, God."

"Oh, God, what?"

"I always got the impression she was jealous of you 'cos of Jack. Didn't make sense because she was really hostile towards him... what if she was jealous of _him_ because of _you_?" And by extension, what if she thought Jack and Charlotte spending last night together meant they had reconciled? Gabrielle knew that was absolutely absurd, but someone in the frame of mind to kill herself – even while drunk – was hardly in the most stable, logical of places.

"Jack! There's nothing between us except friendship!"

"_We_ know that... but she made up an allegation about you when she felt rejected then she gunned for him for siding with you – could that have been the thing that pushed her to the brink?"

Charlotte clapped her hand over her mouth. Rhiannon had been _jealous_? Charlotte was completely floored by the idea. And yet –

She went to see Rhiannon once she was stabilized. "We're trying to get hold of your dad," she said.

Rhiannon turned her head. "He won't come.," she said sadly. "You know how people like him can be."

"I know they can have a change of heart once they realize that someone close to them is gay. They think being gay is somehow a lifestyle choice, like taking drugs, but once they realize that their son or daughter did nothing more or less then anyone else's son or daughter, they understand a little bit better. I'm not on very good terms with my brother – my real brother – the idea creeps him out a bit, but he does understand that it's something that I'm hardwired to be."

"I thought you and Jack –"

"Jack, I think, was the one to remind me that I was attracted to men. I guess that makes me bisexual but i don't even like that label – I think it's wrong to label people's sexuality as anything, it's too complicated an issue to define by a few words." She knew Jack, for one, was easily labeled as 'promiscuous' but it was a title that was neither fair nor fully explained who he was and why his sexuality was what it was. "You know I watch Jack and Gabrielle sometimes and I would kill to have that kind of intimacy with someone – anyone – and I want to smack them both for being so stubborn in denying it. And yet if i read about their personal histories on paper, I'd say they were the least two compatible people I know of."

"Jack and Gabrielle? But I thought –"

"Me and Jack? Now _there's_ a laugh. I'm not sure I was ever really attracted to him, even at the time. Maybe if I were meeting him for the first time today – you think he grates on you now, you should have met him four years ago. But I think with any two people, you have that window in time with relationships, a point where something will happen or it never will. And with Jack it never will. But _you_ are going to go on and meet someone really special, I promise. There's too many good people in the world, men and women both, for you to not." Which was Charlotte's way of saying, as gently as she could, that it wasn't going to happen between them.

Later, to her frustration, David Wilson turned out to be every bit the homophobe Rhiannon had feared he was. Or maybe it wasn't so much that he was a homophobe as that his career meant too much to him. What, he thought he could _hide_ something like that? Besides, if it was good enough for Dick Cheney... Charlotte ended up saying some very damning things to the politician, which resulted in his walking out.

"Do you want me to come over tonight?" Jack offered when he heard about it through Gabrielle. Charlotte was becoming increasingly resigned to the fact that the two of them shared hospital intel in the same way Dan and Erica did. The comparison brought a small smile to her face.

"Thanks, but no. I know it wasn't our fault, I know she probably would have done it once she figured out we were together, but I can't help but feeling responsible for it. I wish I'd known it would send her over the edge."

It was on the tip of Jack's tongue to tell Charlotte that of course she wasn't responsible, but then he remembered that it had taken him years to accept that he wasn't responsible for Patrick's attraction towards him. He left Charlotte to her guilt and hoped she would get over it in short time.

"Do _you_ feel guilty about it?" Gabrielle asked him later than night when Jack recounted his conversation with Charlotte.

"Honestly, no," he admitted. "I know that sounds awful, I know I should feel guilty that my comment may have sent her over the edge, and for sure, I _regret_ that I said it given the consequences... but I don't feel guilty. If she was that much on the edge that one comment could have pushed her over, then it didn't have to be that comment. It could have been seeing me hug her after court was over. It could have been seeing me drop of Zach to start my night shift. It could have been any number of things and I can't have – _we_ can't have – censored ourselves forever more to cater to her sensibilities. Why are you smiling like that?"

"Like you couldn't have censored yourself to cater to Patrick's attraction until you got too old for him to prey on."

"That's not the same thing!"

"I realize we're talking a matter of degrees but I think when something like this happens, it's human nature to feel guilty over what you could or couldn't have done to stop it. It may not be fair on yourself but it's human nature. But you... you know it's not fair on yourself to blame yourself and honestly, I think part of that comes from coming to a place where you know there was nothing you did to attract his attention. There was just something arbitrary that set the wheels in motion, and if it hadn't been that, it would have been something else arbitrary. You know that, and that's why you know you're no more responsible for Rhiannon then you were Patrick."

All Jack could do was stare at Gabrielle over such an insightful comment. And he suddenly realised that somewhere along the line, he had realised that he had forgiven himself for Patrick's abuse. No, not forgiven himself but he had done nothing that needed forgiven – the correct term was that he had come to understand that he had done nothing to encourage Patrick, and could have done nothing to avoid his attention.

He couldn't remember feeling this free.


	8. Chapter 8

"You look like you've got more paperwork then I do," Charlotte mused, watching Gabrielle struggle to make a dent in the pile of rosters, time-off requests and budget sheets that she had piled up on her desk.

"Yeah, well, you have Jack to pick up the slack. My two senior nurses are too busy being disgustingly in love to do their own jobs, let alone help me with mine. And I wanted to get home early, too."

"How come?"

"Oh, Jack always comes home wiped after a counseling session. I discovered by accident that it makes the world of difference if I'm there for him when he gets home."

"Give me a sec." She located Dan and Erica. "Look, I know you guys really want to go home and be disgustingly in love – but it makes the world of difference if Gabrielle's home before Jack after his counseling sessions." By this point, Erica was in the loop. Jack preferred to believe Dan had told her _after_ theyhad gotten engaged, although truthfully, he wouldn't have put it past the nurse to have told Erica before they even got together. "You'd be doing them a huge favour if Dan, you could stay back to do some of her paperwork and Ricki, you could stay on – just for an hour or so?"

Dan and Erica exchanged looks. They didn't appreciate having to stay back even an hour, but Dan had firsthand experience with what Jack could be like after a counseling session – bitchy, moody, short-tempered. There was no denying he was a much calmer person on Thursdays when he used to be. "OK." Dan admitted. Then he added, "Don't suppose you know what's going on between them?"

Charlotte laughed. Like she would tell them even if she did. "Isn't _that_ the million-dollar question?" she asked. She went back to the office she shared with Frank and Gabrielle, allowing herself a small smile that it was now _her_ office. Following Zoe's acceptance of a position as HoD at St. Angela's ED, the 2IC position at the All Saints ED had opened up and since she was the only doctor with her Fellowship, the choice had been obvious. It was hard, and Frank was taking full advantage of her eagerness to impress him and dumping her with paperwork, but she didn't care. She had the job she had longed for since Frank had unceremoniously bypassed her and given the job to Zoe without so much as pre-warning.

_Zoe_. She found she actually missed the woman now that she was gone. They had never gotten along well except at the end, but Charlotte appreciated now how much of that was because she resented the way Frank had gone about it. And that hadn't been Zoe's fault. "Go, I've got Dan and Erica covering," she said.

"Char, you didn't have to do that. I don't even know if I can afford them the overtime."

"The way I see it, Jack is an absolute bedrock for this ward. If he falters, then I'm screwed more then you are, and if you can help him when he needs it, I'll find the money out of my own department to pay two nurses an extra hour."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Gabrielle found Jack was getting easier and easier to deal with as each counseling session had passed. She wondered how much of it was that he was over the worst of his haunting memories, how much of it was that she was getting used to him and better at anticipating what he needed, and how much of it was just them falling more in sync with each other with every passing day.

They never talked about their make-out session from over two months before, but remained physically affectionate. He had even loosened up about hugging her in public because everyone knew that she was one of 'his girls' – whatever that meant – and as such, was not to be the target of gossip. Sometimes she wondered if it had meant anything to Jack other then something that had gone further then it should have. She herself found it hard to forget just how good it had felt to have him on top of her, his hands all over her...

"Cold?" Jack asked idly. He'd been meaning to ask her about getting a heating system, or better yet, a reverse-cycling heating/aircon system. This place was a haven for the cold in winter and the warmth in summer.

"No." She realised she'd shivered involuntarily. But she didn't pull away when Jack pulled her into his arms and wrapped the throw blanket she had over the couch around them. There was something very nice about being in Jack's arms – a security, but also the hint of something more. "Hey, you got anything planned for Dan's buck's night?"

"Yep. I went through every stunt I pulled in uni – he's going to be in for a treat."

"Ricki's going to kill you."

"What, _she's_ allowed a hen's night, but _he's_ not allowed a buck's night?"

"That's different. By your own admission, you ran amuck in university. I slept with one man and was a straight-Distinction student." Which was how she got to be NUM so young.

"I was a straight-Distinction student too, thankyouverymuch."

"How you managed to achieve that between sleeping around and wreaking havoc is beyond me," she retorted. "I'm sure you can come up with something far more riotous then I ever could."

"Really? And what are you ladies doing?"

"Pole-dancing course."

He had to give Gabrielle credit, it was more raucous then he would have thought she could come up with. All those pretty friends of Erica's at a pole-dancing class... "Can I come?" he asked, half-joking and half-hopefully-serious.

"No! It's a _hen's_ night, Jack. Erica would kill me."

"Then... will you show me what you learnt afterwards. I'm sure I can construct something for you to use."

She jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow and Jack pretended to be in great pain. "You... are... incorrigible."

It was on the tip of his tongue for him to say something about her being sexy, but he bit down on it. He didn't know where they stood with each other – sexually at least – since their make-out session. Sometimes he wished Rebecca hadn't interrupted them – he knew, in his heart of hearts, that he wouldn't have been able to stop unless she'd told him to, and at least if they'd slept together, it would have been an elephant in the room that they couldn't ignore. And other times, he was glad she had interrupted them, because at least they were able to go back to being friends and he wasn't sure they _could_ have done, if they had slept together.

Sometimes he wondered if she was truly over Steve. Sometimes he wondered if he was OK to be in a relationship again. Oh, who was he kidding? It had been almost as long since he and Caroline had broken up as it had been that they had been together in the first place. He was perfectly capable of being in a relationship with someone. And for that someone to already know what he had been through, to already be fond of his sister and like his friends – for said friends to have their suspicions that something was going on between them...

_She had called him Steve_. Jack knew that was his stumbling block. He would never forget the times Terri would cry out for Mitch in her sleep, the way her thoughts would wander after they'd had sex and he was trying to enjoy the afterglow and knowing that even after he had given her fantastic orgasms, her thoughts were of _him_. It had been a knife through his heart every single goddamn time, and he knew he couldn't do that again. It might have been nine months since she had called him Steve, they might have been barely friends at that point, but _she had called him Steve_ and he knew he couldn't do that again.

"You seem restless," he finally noted. She was surprised he'd picked up in; he must be more further along in his recovery or more in sync with her then she had thought, because usually after a counseling session he was lost in his own thoughts.

"Nothing."

"If it was nothing you wouldn't be so distracted. Is it Steve?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Just... a comment he made earlier."

"You mean about stuffing up his proposal?" Gabrielle offered.

"Didn't realise you overheard that."

"I waited a few seconds so you wouldn't think I did. I just... every so often something happens that makes me wonder what could have been for us. And now I have this scenario in mind that he had it all planned out then decided to have a few beers to calm his nerves... then a scotch or two until that become half a bottle and he just passed out on the bathroom floor. I even wonder if he still has the ring. I mean, you still have Terri's engagement ring, don't you?"

"Yeah, but that's different."

"How? You were both hung up on someone long after you lost them... and no offense, I realised Steve screwed up worse, but you were both responsible for screwing it up."

"OK, firstly, it's going to be cheaper for me to have the diamonds reset then to sell it and buy a new one whenever the time comes along. It's in a bank vault, it's not something I take out and mope about all the time. And secondly, it was over between us – or rather, it never was. I proposed to her because I was losing her. She turned me down _before_ Charlotte, Charlotte was _because_ she turned me down. I certainly wasn't screwing around on her _while_ I was with her."

"Oh, OK. Sorry, didn't mean to compare you."

"It's OK." But Jack was very glad he hadn't made the 'you're sexy' comment now. She _was_ still hung up on Steve... hung up enough that realising he'd meant to propose still struck a chord with her... hung up enough to have imagined a scenario which, from what he'd cobbled together of Steve, was a very realistic one.

Steve and Gabrielle had broken up, not because they had fallen out of love with each other, but because circumstances had dictated they weren't meant to be together at that particular time. She had never reached closure and in that way, they were more alike then he and Steve were – it had taken some indeterminate amount of time for him to realise he and Terri were never meant to be, _that_ had been his closure.

And if she hadn't achieved closure, Jack knew there was no room in her heart for _him_.

"Disappointed there won't be a bucks night?"

"A little," Jack admitted. "But if it's what he wants, I have to respect that. Besides, honestly, I don't think I'd want something myself – at least, not of the wreaking-havoc kind. I did that enough at uni and I don't think I have any left in me. So he'll owe me if the time ever comes around for me."

"Jack, honestly, do you _have_ enough male friends to make up a buck's night? At least, ones who would dare cross you by binding and gagging you and leaving you to your own defences in the middle of nowhere?"

"Uh... no," he admitted. Even among male friends who didn't know about his abuse – which was everyone but Dan, and if you could count him, Mike – everyone knew he didn't like being touched by men, and about all the physical restraint he could take was his seatbelt. "But that's not the point. I want favours returned – and I figure I can actually rely on Dan to do the right thing by me. By the way, how's Robyn?"

"She'll be fine. Must be such a blow, to have a stroke that young. I think it frightened Ricki, too. I mean, what an omen for your wedding. Maybe _that's_ why Dan doesn't want a bucks night, doesn't want to invite another omen."

"Don't tell me you believe in all that?" he asked.

"Um... a little," she admitted.

"I was raised by my step-mother's interpretations of Catholicism. I put my faith in science."

She laughed. "What does that not surprise me?"

* * *

She couldn't believe that she was stuck here at some ungodly hour when she should be resting so she looked gorgeous for tomorrow – wait, today now – and helping Erica get ready and looking forward to champagne and cocktails and hor derves. But no, Dan's brother Luke and his hooligan mates had to get drunk and haul him out of bed at some even more ungodly hour, determined to have a buck's night.

Tying Dan to a tree and driving off, drunk with the lights off, the four-wheel drive carrying the unruly men had crashed moments after leaving the scene. Dan had been frantic as he'd freed himself and done his best to administer help. _This_ was why he hadn't wanted a buck's night. More then once he had vocalised the wish that he'd let Jack do whatever he'd had planned; at least he could have trusted Jack to remain a little bit sensible and delegate himself driver so he had at least one person to rely on not to drink.

The wedding, currently, was off, with Dan full of stress and not wanting to go through with it. Oh, and just in case Gabrielle's day couldn't get any worse, Steve had talked down to her when she'd questioned his medical decision – the procedure he wanted was risky, given how high the guy's blood alcohol content was.

Damn Luke and his hooligan mates.

Jack came up behind her and rubbed his hands up and down her arms. She leaned her back against his chest, grateful to have him there amongst all this chaos. "I know it's a shit situation," he said sympathetically. "But try and hold it together. I know there's nothing in the rulebook about this, but we have an obligation to try and keep things going. I know they want to be together but I also know that when it seems one thing after the other goes wrong, it all starts to look like one big omen."

She twisted slightly so she could smile at him. He had a way of putting things into perspective. As it turned out, Frank was his usually, well, frank self with Dan, pointing out that if he was ready to pull out over an incident like this, he wasn't ready to be married, and he certainly didn't deserve to be married to someone as wonderful as Erica.

And so the wedding was back on.

"Stop doing that."

"Don't what?"

"Checking your watch every fifteen seconds."

"I am not."

"You're giving me the irates."

"I didn't think I'd be so nervous," Dan admitted. Jack shot him a questioning look; _seconds thoughts? _Dan replied with a look;_ no._ Meanwhile, Bart was filming everything in sight, which was also starting to irritate Jack. He wouldn't mind it if he wasn't in so much of the footage. He had never been one to star in photos or home videos and he wasn't about to start now.

From around the corner, partially hidden by trees, came Gabrielle. In Jack's opinion, she looked stunning in a strapless, knee-length dress, so much so that Jack completely forgot about the bride behind her. Erica looked pretty too, but Gabrielle was... _stunning_.

It was a beautiful day that dawned on the shores of the Sydney Harbour; they couldn't have chosen a more beautiful one if they'd tried. It was days like this Jack thought about how he loved Sydney. He had a job he loved, great friends and maybe one day he'd have what Dan and Erica had.

God, she was so beautiful. For all that he was happy for Dan, He was so lost in thought that he needed to be prompted when the minister asked for the wings. Across from him, Gabrielle smirked, as if she knew exactly what was on his mind.

Well, he hoped not. He handed over the rings hurriedly. They were exchanged, along with the traditional kiss, and then it was time for an exhausting round of photos. "I am so telling Rebecca about these," Gabrielle murmured smugly lips barely moving against the backdrop of the Sydney Botanic gardens.

"You dare and I'll kill you," Jack murmured back.

"You wouldn't leave your poor, wonderful sister without a sibling she can look up to if you go to jail, would you?" she cooed.

The photographer finally stopped what he was doing to glare at them. "Do you two think you can put your lover's squabble on hold long enough for me to shoot?" he asked huffily. Dan laughed out loud and Gabrielle paled beneath her makeup.

"You OK?" Jack asked her when they had a private moment an hour or so later.

"I'm fine. Just... I know people talk about us."

Jack frowned. "Has anyone done anything?" By that he meant had anyone harassed her.

She shook her head. "You can be scary, Jack. I don't think anyone dares." But she was smiling as she said this to tell Jack she didn't mind in the least bit that sleazy doctors who thought they were entitled to any woman decided she wasn't worth bothering with.

* * *

"What's with Jack? He's... different. I'd say he's more confident but confidence was one thing he never lacked." So said Jessica Singleton after a lengthy conversation with him before he'd gone back to the bridal party. She and Jack had never gotten along, she had found him far too up-himself for her liking, but this Jack was interested and sincere.

"I think you were right in the first place. It's confidence. What he had before was cockiness," Charlotte said."I think Deanna messing him around made him take stock in his decisions." That, and having to face years of demons, but that wasn't Jessica's place to know.

"You got any idea what's going on between them?" Jessica asked, jerking her head in the direction of Jack and Gabrielle.

"You tell me and we'll both know," Charlotte said dryly. "I know they're close but that's all anyone knows. Neither of them have a great track record when it comes to relationships so it wouldn't surprise me that they're both too gun-shy to realise how good they are for each other." Charlotte realised she'd said too much, but then, it was only what everyone thought, anyway.

Gabrielle was downing the champagne like it was going out of style. Truth be told, seeing Amy hitting on Steve all night was starting to grate on her. The girl was far too young for him (admittedly, she was only a few years younger then Gabrielle herself, but Gabrielle was very mature and professional for her age – Steve had told her long ago it was what had caught his eye) but she _was_ pretty and Steve had a thing for pretty young things. At least, she seemed to be a heavy social drinker, so that counted against her.

Sitting next to her, Jack was also watching Steve and Amy, but for different reasons. When Steve finally left her side – to go where, Jack didn't care – he got up. "I'm making my move," he said to Gabrielle.

"Huh?"

"Going to talk to Amy."

"You do realise she's Frank's niece," Gabrielle pointed out. Christ, what was _with_ this girl? Steve, she got. Steve liked pretty young things. But she'd thought Jack had more common sense then that. She felt her ego deflate a little. She wondered if the reason Jack hadn't made a pass at her after their make-out session despite their obvious chemistry was that she wasn't pretty enough.

Jack dismissed it. Amy was cute and it had been ages since he'd had a date. But Steve got back before he could make his move and he sat down, ticked. "Look, why don't you go talk to him," he finally said grudgingly.

"Who?"

"Steve. You've had your eye on him all night."

"I have not! And besides, it's none of your business."

_Liar_. "Fine, fine. Look, I'm heading off, and I think it's time you got to bed." He'd been watching her down the champagne like it was water. _Poor girl_. It was obvious she still had feelings for Steve. He was glad now he hadn't made a pass at her. Right now he could be sitting next to his girlfriend while she made eyes at her ex. No thanks.

"No, no, I'm staying here."

To drink more champagne and feel sorrier for herself that Steve had a pretty, younger – younger then _both_ of them – flighty blond hanging on his every word? Jack had been there, done that. "Let me take you home."

"No, you go. Go on, choof off. Go on, choof, choof."

"Alright, I'll choof off when you come with me." Given the argumentative mood she was already in, she needed to leave _now_, otherwise she'd do something she'd _really_ regret – something like climbing drunk onto the tabletop and declaring her love to Steve was one of the less embarrassing things Jack had seen at weddings where there was an open bar.

Jack pulled Gabrielle out of her chair. She stumbled awkwardly. He'd never seen her like this.. He steadied her by holding onto her arm, and she fell into him. His automatic reaction was to wrap his free arm around her waist and for a second she looked into his eyes and, in her drunken haze, was swept away by how enchanting his eyes were. Those enchanting, expressive eyes that she'd seen distraught and ecstatic and every emotion in between... She pushed herself right against Jack and kissed him.

Her mouth was against his, her fingers in his hair, her perfume surrounding him – Ralph Loren _Cool_, she wore. He wasn't exactly sober himself, and it took him a few seconds to react. She slid her tongue into his mouth and God help him, he responded with his own. He wanted to shove her into a wall and wedge her body between his and something hard. He wanted to grope her. He wanted her in bed.

There was an audible gasp from their audience of colleagues and friends. Bart, who had been taping random things all night, caught the first second then embarrassedly yanked the camera in the direction of the wall. Frank, who had been nodding off, jolted awake and stared at the kissing couple in surprise.

Common sense finally kicking in, he pulled away from her. "I'm calling you a cab," he said huskily, pulling his mobile out of his shirt pocket.

Gabrielle giggled and leaned against the back of a chair. "He's calling me a cab," she said, too drunk to realised she'd just kissed Jack in front off all their colleagues.

A second later Jack grabbed her arm, her jacket and her bag and pulled her roughly in the direction of the door. He wanted out of this situation _right now_. God, this was embarrassing. It was one thing to make out in private and another thing entirely for her to kiss him in public. Angrily, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

It was a gesture Gabrielle didn't miss. "Don't have to be such a jerk about it," she said. She was already starting to get a headache. She stumbled on the stairs and Jack gripped her arm tighter. "Be gentle, you're going to leave a mark."

"If I be gentle you'll fall down the stairs and break your neck," Jack snapped. "And while I'm supremely pissed off at you right now, I don't particularly want to be responsible for your death."

"Oh, yet over yourself, Jack," Gabrielle snapped, hurt that Jack was making such a big deal out of it. "I seem to recall someone sticking their tongue down my throat a few weeks ago."

"That was different," Jack hissed. "We were both sober, it was in private and I asked your permission." In his head, he knew he couldn't begrudge her one kiss when he'd been feeling her up... but in his heart, he felt humiliated. She had kissed him in front of friends and colleagues – and just when people were stopping talking about him, too.

In his heart, kissing her had felt way too good then he knew it should have and he resented her for reminding him of that.

He bundled her into the back of the taxi with the instructions that, for God's sakes, she was too say something if she wanted to throw up because he didn't want to have to pay for the clean-up, then sat in the back. He didn't trust her not to make a pass at him. Once they were home, he all but carried her into the house and lay her sitting up on her bed. He got her a bucket and a bottle of water. "Drink," he instructed, "and take these." He handed out two Neurophen Plus. He'd found them terrific at avoiding a hangover if he'd been too slack to drink water through the night. Gabrielle pulled away. Her head hurt. "You'll thank me in the morning." That, and for not taking full advantage of her. To his shame, he still wanted her. He could still taste her on his lips and noted that before he went to bed, he needs to scrub his mouth out. And maybe have a long shower. The damn perfume clung to his skin.

Gabrielle drank obediently. If it meant he would leave her alone – but she didn't want him to leave her alone. Hesitantly, she put her hand on his knee. He always liked that.

Roughly, he pushed it away. "Don't, please. You've made enough of an ass of both of us. Please just go to sleep and leave me be." Deeply hurt at his rejection, she drew away and let Jack help her under the covers, too hurt by his rejection to realise that he only helped her because he cared about her and didn't want her getting cold during the night – even if he was happy to let her sleep in a strapless dress that would cut a line across her chest that would hurt for several days. "There's a bucket at my feet if you think you need to throw up," he said, almost kindly. Then he was gone.

Gabrielle listened for ages as Jack took a long shower and she realised, her heart sinking, that he was trying to get rid of the smell and feel of her much the way he would once have tried to do the same of Patrick Wesley. Of course, she didn't realise the difference was that Jack wouldn't sleep, he was so distracted by desire, as opposed to he _couldn't_ sleep, he felt so ashamed, the only thing she knew was that he wouldn't go to bed until he had scrubbed his skin raw of her...

She cried herself to sleep, wishing she had never made such a fool of herself.

Jack wasn't home when she got up. She knew he wasn't working, but he didn't return all day and wasn't at home the next morning. On Monday, she cornered him at work. "Where have you been? Can we talk?" she asked.

"Spent a few days with Bec," he said, as if spending a few night's on his sister's couch to avoid his housemate was the most natural thing in the world. "And... I'm busy right now, later?"

"Whenever you're free." She knew he was avoiding her. And it didn't help that he was really pally with Amy, who seemed to return the palliness. She made a face when she saw them together. Amy was too young for him.

* * *

"Don't tell me you're jealous," Charlotte asked when she saw Gabrielle making a face.

"Of what?"

"Uh... of the fact Jack and Amy seem pretty pally." By 'pally', Charlotte meant 'flirtatious'.

"Jack can flirt with whoever he likes."

"And you wouldn't be the least bit jealous if he were, say... kissing someone else?"

"Of course not. It was just some stupid drunk thing."

"Which you haven't sorted out yet."

"He's been spending time with Rebecca. That's what I like about him, he's so attentive to her."

"Uh-huh." Charlotte read between the lines and saw that Jack had been deliberately avoiding her. It wasn't 'just' some stupid drunk thing. That something had been simmering along between them for months now – since he and Caroline had broken up, maybe even before that – was obvious to everyone.

Gabrielle finally caught up with Jack later in the day. She had to chase after him; he seemed pretty determined to pretend it never happened. "I'm so sorry about what happened at the reception," she said. "I don't know what came over me."

"Sure you do."

"Well, OK... I do. It's just – weddings, they always get me sentimental and I'd had a lot to drink and –" she was about to point out that they had chemistry, he had said so himself, when Jack cut her off.

"Cut the crap, Gabrielle. You were making a point. Not to me, to Steve. You can deny it all you want, but it's clear you still feel something for him." Gabrielle attempted to bluster out a denial, but Jack wouldn't let her. "I don't know how we ended up in this triangle thing, but I really don't like it. So Gabby, sort it out, just don't involve me."

That was a lie. He _did_ know how they'd ended up in this triangle. They'd ended up in it because he'd first kissed her, then been unable to forget about it. They'd gotten themselves in this triangle because he'd put himself in the middle.

He left Gabrielle to her thoughts. She thought long and hard and eventually realised that Jack was right. She hated to admit it, but she _did_ still have some feelings for him. They had broken up because circumstances had dictated she couldn't trust him, not because they had fallen out of love. And because of that, she had never really gotten closure. And she knew Steve still loved her, was pretty sure he was still attracted to her – she had to admit, there was a part of her that got jealous when he paid other women attention, a part of her that wondered what might have been had things played out differently.

And yet... she knew she wasn't attracted to Steve the way she was attracted to Jack. She knew Steve's kisses hadn't made her heart race and her skin feel like it was on fire the way Jack's had. She knew she didn't trust Steve the way she trusted Jack, knew Steve would never make her feel special the way Jack did...

She was torn between a man she had known all her life and a man who knew her as if he'd known her all her life.

"You were right," she admitted grudgingly to Jack that night. "I do still have feelings for him. I love him, I think I will. And... sometimes I do wonder if things might have been different, if he hadn't chosen the path he did. We broke up because of circumstances, not because we fell out of love. And I think there's part of me that wants closure."

"You think about reconciling with him?"

"Sometimes," she admitted, and it was a knife to Jack's heart. "But – I don't trust him. And I don't think I can date someone I don't trust." She had meant this as a broad hint to Jack, who didn't seem to get it. "Look, I'm sorry about what happened – are we still mates?" she asked tentatively. She loved Steve, but she loved Jack too, and needed Jack in her life more then she needed Steve.

He smiled, determined not to show how much it hurt to hear that she loved him and that the only reason she wouldn't reconcile was that she didn't trust him. He wondered how long it would take before she trusted Steve again – even he had to admit, the older doctor was doing well in getting his life back together and acting professionally. "Of course," he said brightly. "You had a point, anyway, I did kiss you first so it's kind of hypocritical for me to have a go at you. You're my best mate. I don't know what I'd do without you. C'mere." He held out his arms and she gratefully scooted into them. She cuddled up to him and he wrapped his arms around him. She hadn't realised until now how much she had missed him.

"I'm glad we're mates again," she said, wondering, almost against her will, what it would be like to be more then mates with Jack.

"Me too," Jack said, wishing he could be more then mates with her.

* * *

"I heard you got pretty up close and personal with a certain NUM," Dan said, a smile on his lips. He had watched Bart's footage over and over. It wasn't much – why hadn't the guy thought to focus the camera on them, instead of pointing it at the wall? – in Dan's opinion, it prove beyond a doubt that Jack and Gabrielle had some serious chemistry.

"Rumour and innuendo," Jack said crossly. He and Gabrielle had sorted things out but that did nothing to stop the tide of gossip that had been swirling around them.

"Not what I hear _according_ to rumour and innuendo," Dan retorted.

"It was nothing. She was drunk."

"How do you know?"

"Because we talked about it and she admitted she still has feelings about him."

You didn't live with a guy – even a guy as secretive as Jack – for two years and not learn little things like what various vocal nuances meant. And Jack sounded disappointed that she had admitted to still having feelings for him. "How d'you feel about that?"

Jack shrugged. "Think she has bad taste but that's her choice."

He said this so convincingly that if Dan hadn't known him as well as he did – "C'mon, mate, this is me you're talking to. Remember me? The guy you shared a house with for two years? You don't like it, I can tell. Hell, the entire ward knows there's something between you guys. I'm just surprised neither of you has acted on it yet." A guilty look crossed Jack's face briefly – very briefly, it was one of those things Dan wouldn't have picked up if he hadn't known Jack as well as he did – but long enough for Dan to pick up on it. "I'm sorry, has something happened between you and her?"

"Like I'd tell you, Mr. Jack-spent-the-night-with-Caroline," Jack said shortly.

"Look, I feel awful about that and I promise if you tell me, I won't say anything to anyone – well, other then to Ricki." Because you couldn't really keep secrets from your wife. "But if you _don't_ tell me..."

Jack glowered. He got where Dan was going. If Jack didn't spill, he and Erica would just make something up. And that was the last thing he needed, given how people were already jumping to their own conclusions – Jack's former housemate adding his thoughts to the mix. "Fine. A couple of weeks ago – her best mate was staying, the one Steve cheated on her with and Ashley said some really cruel things about her – she was upset 'cos she thought she was a bad kisser and I wanted to prove her wrong and things got a bit carried away."

A bit carried way? Dan was familiar with Jack's understating things. "Why don't we go get a drink," he suggested. "What do you mean bit _a bit carried away_?" he asked once they were settled in Cougars with beers. "Did you sleep with her?"

"No! God no. We just made out." Jack didn't add that the only reason making out didn't end up with sex was because Rebecca had interrupted; better that he look at least a _little_ decent.

"What was it like?"

"Nice." Jack, who was usually unflappable about his private life, found himself blushing. "That's not the right word. I remember when Caroline and I got together, _that_ wasnice and I remember thinking I was glad I could have fun with someone without being single-minded about getting them into bed. So much so that I didn't really care we didn't have a huge amount of chemistry. I remember thinking I was fortunate that I could be in a relationship with someone I liked and had fun with that it didn't matter that things weren't... _hot_. Besides, the last time I was really hot for someone was Deanna and you know how well _that_ ended. But with Gabrielle, it was..." he clenched his fists, trying to think of the right word. "I just wanted to –"

Dan made a face and held out a hand in a _stop_ motion. "I can fill in the details but that's my _boss_ you're talking about."

"Did you feel that way about Ricki?" Jack asked. "I mean, when you first got together? That heat?"

"No." He and Ricki had been such good friends that the red-hot chemistry Jack was talking about had never really been there. Which made it odd that things suddenly got very heated between Jack and Gabrielle, but then, those two were so in denial about their feelings that it didn't surprise Dan that one day something had just clicked, like a light being thrown on. "But I do know what you're talking about. So let me get this straight – you're in love with –"

"I am not in love!" Jack objected.

"Fine." Dan wasn't about to argue semantics. "You have _feelings_ for your best friend, someone who knows what happened to you and has been there everytime you've needed her, someone who makes you feel good and you love being with, someone you hugely attracted to – and you won't do anything about it... _why_?"

"Because of Steve."

"So she's still fond of an ex. Big whoop. You get massive packages from Scotland every birthday and Christmas, you can't exactly talk."

"That's different, I don't have feelings for her. She _admitted_ she still has feelings for him."

"And _you're_ her best friend, _you're_ the one she goes to for friendship. You can make her forget him if you wanted."

"And what if I don't want to?" Why would you want to? "You know, Dan, I don't particularly feel like with compete with Steve – with any man – for Gabrielle's affection. I don't particularly feel like having her in my arms and knowing her thoughts are drifting to _him_. I don't particularly feel like having her call _his_ name while I'm in bed with her."

Instantly Dan knew what he was talking about. "You're a stubborn bloody idiot, you know," he said. "Gabrielle's not Terri. Don't you think you know her well enough what she's thinking about? Or to be honest with you?"

Jack shrugged. "I trust her to be honest, as far as she knows consciously. But the history they share... they broke up because he cheated on her, not because they fell out of love. If she felt she could trust him she'd be there in a heartbeat but because she doesn't... how the hell do I know she's not in love with him as opposed to she doesn't _want_ to be in love with him? Dan, you have no idea what it's like to be with someone who'd rather be with an ex and to try and try and try to make them love you the way you love them." His voice cracked at that point. He and Terri were today on excellent terms and he was even fonder of Lucy then he was of Zach but he'd never been able to forget the constant feeling of rejection when he Terri's mind kept going back to Mitch, no matter what he tried.

Dan's heart went out to him. He honestly thought Jack was confused and an idiot for being confused when the situation with Gabrielle was so much different to the situation with Terri, but there was no convincing him of that. He didn't push the issue any further, even though he knew how happy Jack could be with Gabrielle in his life as more then just a friend.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks to my awesome betareader let1964 who keeps proofing my awful typos. I know there's still a few mistakes. And I apologise when it switches between Aus and US spelling - I've given up on going back and correcting when I realise it's switched back to US :(**

Gabrielle and Steve had a patient, Terry, who was so terrified of dying of cancer like his father had that he had never really enjoyed his life, becoming a recluse. His story particularly resonated with Steve, who had wasted so much of his life staring at the bottom of a glass – beer, scotch, whiskey, he hadn't cared. He had wrecked so many relationships, barely escaped with his career intact – Steve knew he would have been deregistered if he had been caught one-tenth the amount of times he'd shown up to work drunk – and here he was, barrelling towards forty and still only a registrar. Gabrielle had mentioned a few months ago that Jack was aiming for the next fellowship position that came up, and Steve knew he would get it. Jack was driven and focused and hadn't wasted half his life in the bottom of a bottle. If they were both still here when Jack got his fellowship, he would be subordinate to someone almost a decade younger then him. And Steve knew he only had himself to blame.

He told Terry these things without telling him, expressed his regret at a wasted life and told him that a life lived in fear was a wasted life – as much a wasted life as a life lived out of a bottle. He spoke with such quiet sincerity, the voice of experience and reason and desire to change. No, not the desire to change – proof that change was possible with enough desire and conviction.

She remembered what Jack had said a few weeks before about her still having feelings for Steve, and admitting that while she did, she couldn't trust him because once an addict – but things had changed. _Steve_ had changed. In that way, he and Jack had a lot in common, a desire to put as much distance between themselves and the worst men that they could be as possible.

For the rest of the day, she found herself reliving the good times in their relationship – and there _had_ been a lot of good times. He was eight years older then her, which, when she had been younger, was a significant age gap. He had always looked after her and out for her – partly because he saw her as his property, and with a farmer's mentality, he took care of his property, which was a contrast to Jack's genuine desire to see her safe and happy – but he still watched out for her nonetheless. He was the only person she had in her life who got her ruralisms. They had shared so much of their lives together – she loved Jack deeply, but there was something about roots that went deep that no friendship of a year, no matter how deep it ran, could replace.

By the end of the day, she managed to get a few minutes alone. She started to blather about how good he had been with Terry before Steve cut her off. "Are you going somewhere with this?" he asked politely.

"I was just thinking... maybe you and I... is it too late for us to try again?"

Strange, how only a few months – maybe only a few weeks, if he were honest with himself – he would have killed to hear her say that. But something had happened along the way – he saw how in sync she was with Quade and while he didn't think much of the guy, he grudgingly admitted that his reputation had been spotless since he'd gotten back and that the gossip surrounding him was just residual stuff leftover from his hard-drinking, womanising days. But there was no denying they were deeply in sync and that he was hugely fond of her – and her him. It was something he honestly knew he himself had never had with Gabrielle. And he knew that, as much as he had once wanted to reconcile with her – and part of him still did – he would not compete with that kind of bond. He _couldn't_. "I think that ship has sailed," he said.

Her face fell for a brief instant, and she collected herself. "I guess you're right," she said, trying to keep her voice light. "I never thought much of those couples who kept splitting and reconciling – you'd think they'd have learnt after the first or second go. Still mates?" The irony that she had asked Jack that same question was not lost on her.

"Sure," Steve agreed, relieved it was over already.

Jack got home late that night to find Gabrielle onto her third beer, staring morosely at the blank TV screen in the same way he had done plenty of times in the last six months. "What's up?" he asked, concerned that someone had died.

"I took your stupid advice and asked Steve if he wanted to give it another try... he turned me down flat." She took a long swig of beer. "I was there for him every goddamn time he needed me and he's not interested in me anymore. What, am I not good enough now he has his addiction under control?" she asked herself bitterly, all her insecurities coming to the fore. _He didn't want her_. After all she had done for him _and he didn't want her_.

"He's just a guy, Gabby. It's not the end of the world."

"It is for me!" she yelled at him. She hadn't meant to take it out on him but he was a convenient outlet for her resentment and besides, she reasoned, he'd cried himself to sleep in her arms enough times that he owed her some goddamn sympathy. "He's the only man who ever meant anything to me."

"He's the only man, period," Jack corrected her. He knew his sleeping around hadn't been good for him, there was a point where soulless whoring achieved nothing, but neither was he a big fan of this idea of 'one true love' and saving yourself for one person. He saw sex as like cooking, you usually screwed up a lot when you were first starting and it took a while for you to hone your tastes and identify what you liked, wanted and needed.

"Oh, what the hell would you know?" she asked rhetorically.

He threw his bag on the coffee table so hard it knocked her beer off. She caught it just before it spilt on the floor. It had been less then a minute and already he was sick of seeing her mope over a loser like Steve. "I know you're being pathetic!" he yelled at her so vehemently that she was startled out of her moping. "You're just like bloody Terri. You're doing busy pining over your ex to see how much I love you. He used you and destroyed you and I would treat you like a princess if only you gave a shit about me. Instead you're pining for someone who doesn't give you a second thought."

His words were so unexpected that she had no idea what she was supposed to say."Jack, I – "

"Don't. Please, don't." He picked up his bag, rummaged through it, extracted his chequebook and scribbled furiously for a few seconds before tearing off the cheque with enough violence to rip a corner off. "Here. That's for a month's rent in lieu of notice. If I don't find something permanent by Friday, I'll stay with Rebecca until I do." Without giving Gabrielle the opportunity to do or say anything, he went to his room.

She stayed on the couch, stunned by Jack's admission. _He was in love with her_. She had never imagined – she had _hoped_ he had feelings for her, but he had never said or done anything – well, not apart from their makeout sessions. She had known he was _attracted_ to her, but this was Jack, he was attracted to a lot of women. He'd slept with enough of them to draw a very clear distinction between attraction and emotion.

_He was in love with her_. And she'd been babbling about Steve all those times – he had opened up to her about how badly Terri's constant distraction over Mitch had affected him, made him question his lovability. _And she had thrown her feelings for Steve in his face over and over_.

If only he had told her how he felt – she wondered if he had lied to her when he'd said he was attracted to her but he regretted their makeout session because he didn't want to jeopardise their friendship. She'd been hoping that he would say something, give her an opening to say she wanted more then his friendship – and she wondered now if he had been hoping for the same opening from _her_. And she had babbled about Steve.

In that instant, she realised how she felt about Jack. She loved Steve, she always would – but only as a friend. The infatuation and chemistry they shared paled with the deep love and red-hot desire she shared with Jack. She had grown up on beer and pizza, not realising there was anything else out there, and Jack had been her introduction into champagne and caviar. And she couldn't go back now. She was used to better.

She tipped the rest of her beer down the sink and brushed her teeth. She remembered how it had felt to have Steve kissing her, his breath stinking of booze and even though it was only a couple of beers, she didn't want to do that to Jack. She slipped into her room after considering changing into something nice then discarding the idea – if Jack wanted her, he wouldn't give a shit what she was wearing. If he didn't, she had a lot more to worry about then the daggy trackkies.

He was sitting up in bed, pretending to read _War and Peace. _He knew it was going to be a hard night sleep-wise, and he was thinking about taking a diazepam for it when Gabrielle came in. "I thought I made it clear I wanted to be left alone," he said gruffly.

"You also made it very clear that you're in love with me," she said softly. She padded softly over to his bed and sat on the edge.

"I said no such thing."

"Oh, I'm just as bad as Terri, moping over an ex when if I can just see how well you'd treat me – Jack, I may not know much about men, but I understand that much – and I understand _you_."Boldly, she straddled him, daggy trackkies and all. "I love you, Jack. You're my best friend. I've never felt like someone has my back the way you do. I never felt like someone wanted me for my heart, mind and soul before my body... and you do."

"Gabby, I – "

"No. You've already had your turn to speak. My turn now. We've been playing this stupid game for weeks. We're both stubborn and we've both been waiting for the other person to make the move. So here I am. I love you. I love Steve, too, and I think I always will, I won't deny that, but... we have something special which I don't think many people ever get to experience. I didn't think I could be as happy as I am, I didn't really there _was_ such a happiness." She placed her hands on his chest, the moved the, down and under his shirt. He bucked against her when her hands connected with his bare skin. "Don't fight this," she said huskily. She continued to move her hands upwards, pushing his shirt up, undoing the buttons as she went, exposing his skin. She had never been so bold sexually – she had never particularly enjoyed sex so had always been passive with Steve – but turning Jack on like this was such a kick.

When she got to his top button she trailed kisses along his collarbone, flicking her tongue over the jutting bone, running her teeth lightly across his skin... he whimpered in protest when he felt her apply pressure to his neck – he had always bruised easily and she was going to leave a mark he'd have to explain – but it felt so damn good that he didn't protest any harder then that. She started kissing her way down his chest and he groaned out loud when she started working on his nipples. All those of her feelings for Steve fled his mind when weighed against her touch. "Get up here," he commanded finally. Passivity wasn't his thing.

Obediently she moved up the bed so she was facing him. He grabbed the back of her neck and mashed his mouth against hers. He kissed her, hungry and demanding, thrusting his tongue into her mouth without preamble. She met it eagerly and in a few seconds they were kissing passionately, arms wrapped around each other, legs entwined... Jack flipped her so he was on top and pushed his body weight against hers so she sank into the mattress. He was being rough and dominating but she didn't care – in fact, she relished it. She pushed up against him, feeling like she couldn't get close enough to him, as if by doing so, she could meld her body with his.

Jack moved his hands down the side of her body, struggling to wedge them in between their entwined bodies – struggling, because she resisted all his effort to create space between them, even just the few centimeters he needed... he got in and started running his hands over the expanse of skin over her abdomen, along her back, savouring every centimeter, working his way up the front of her body to her breasts, cupping them, running his fingers over her nipples, feeling them harden under his fingers, making her groan and writhe underneath him. "Jack, please," she said in a tone that he had never heard her use before – a tone he was pretty sure no-one had heard her use before. Every fibre in her being ached to be consumed by him.

He pulled her t-shirt up and over her head, fondling her breasts, touching, caressing, kissing. He couldn't get enough of her although he was putting in a fair effort trying– and she wasn't exactly helping his restraint, the way she was touching him, her hands up and down his back, her fingers along the back of his neck, through his hair, her legs wrapped around his waist – it was exactly how he'd imagined it would be, only better. She ground her crotch against him intentionally and the result was instantaneous. God, had it only been a few months since he'd last gotten laid? He'd done longer stretches before but right now he felt like he was a sixteen-year-old virgin again desperate to get laid. _Sixteen-year-old virgin_. _That_ got a wry grimace out of him. And yet Gabrielle made him sexually cleaner then he ever had. Even before Patrick, with Stella's constant screaming at him that he was a slut and whore just like his mother. Idly Jack wondered if this was why he felt so horny and nervous as he did now.

He fumbled with the drawstring on her tracksuit pants, loosening them and sliding them down her legs, discarding them on the floor next to his bed. He traced his fingers along the elastic of her panties until she was squirming. "Please, Jack," she begged. He slid his hand under the material, taking his time moving down to her most sensitive of places. She groaned wantonly when he penetrated her with a finger. Jesus Christ, she was wet. "Jack!" she screamed when he inserted a second finger and started touching her in a way she hadn't thought possible. She reached for the zip on his pants but he pushed her hand away. This was about her.

He pulled down her panties entirely so he had freer access to her and began touching her in earnest, his fingers penetrating, caressing, creating sensations that made her scream and writhe uncontrollably so he had to use his free arm to hold her steady – well, steady enough that he could keep doing what he was doing. "Jack!" she screamed his name between unashamedly wanton moans. Waves of pleasure built up and crashed, built up and crashed, every wave greater then the one before it until she was shaking uncontrollably and screaming loudly enough that he had to kiss her just to make sure the neighbours didn't call the police to complain about the noise – or worse, report a case of domestic abuse.

After some intermittable period of time, Gabrielle convulsed and went limp. Jack brought her back down gently as he could, which was a challenged given how horny he was and how easy he had to be with her unless he wanted to give her a heart attack. He watched her lovingly, her eyes shut, a dreamy smile on her face. "Thankyou," she said when she opened them to see him looking at her.

He kissed her softly. It vaguely offended him that she should be grateful for an orgasm, something that men expected every time.

This time he didn't protest when she reached for his zipper. He'd semi-forgotten about it while he was enjoying making Gabrielle feel good, but he realised now how hard and horny he was. Gabrielle whistled appreciatively when she felt his impressive erection. "Lucky me," she said coyly. She tugged at his pants – tailored pants were a lot harder to get off then drawstring tracksuit pants – and it seemed like it took forever to get them off.

Then he was on top of her, kneeling between her legs, touching her idly as he positioned himself to penetrate her. "You'll tell me if it's uncomfortable?" he asked. She nodded. He penetrated her slowly, wanting to slam into her and it taking every bit of restraint he had not to, especially when he felt how warm and wet he was. "Oh, God," he grunted, and he knew he wasn't going to last long at this. He stayed still in her for almost a minute, almost reluctant to keep going because as soon as he did, the countdown til it was over would begin. He started pumping her, gripping the headboard with one hand, stroking her with the other. She wrapped her legs around him and started running her hands up and down his back, digging her nails, short as they were, into his skin. It would leave marks and he cared about that as much as he cared about the hickey on his neck he'd have to explain to people.

She started moaning as she started to climax again, screaming his name between groans so he had to kiss her again just to keep her quiet – not that kissing her was a chore.

She climaxed again and tightened her hold on Jack in a way that made it impossible for him to keep going. Burying his face in her neck, he released a drawn-out groan and climaxed himself.

For several minutes he lay still on top of her. She stroked his back gently, realising that he was experiencing something intense. He hadn't been with anyone who had known about Patrick and she imagined what a burden it was off his shoulders to open up like that.

After a few minutes he rolled off her and pulled her into his arms. "That was incredible," he breathed. "I can't remember feeling like that before. Thankyou." She was vaguely saddened that he felt the need to thank her just for understanding his damaged soul but pleased that he felt that way.

For fifteen minutes they lay in silence, his fingers tracing patterns on her back. Then he said, "Look, I should have asked this before but uh – I don't have anything to worry about, do I? I mean – I don't have to worry about getting you pregnant or... look, I'm sorry to have to ask you this but getting a STI is one of the most humiliating things that ever happened to me." Apart from the obvious – his experiences with the man who had given it to him.

"It's fine, Jack. I admit, it was something I was worried about – especially after you told me about him hitting on that woman at Cougars. So I got myself tested – three times, actually. All clean. Hope you know I would have said something if you had anything to worry about."

"I know. Well, I know that in my head. But I don't think I'll ever forget how humiliating it was so it's something that's always on my mind when I'm with someone new. And what about birth control?"

"You don't have to worry about that."

"Given I have no say if you get pregnant, I think it is something to worry about. Are you on the pill?"

"No."

"Depo-Provera?"

"No."

"Christ, please don't tell me you're one of those religious twits that relies on the rhythm method." Jack hadn't meant to call her a twit, even in such a roundabout way, but he had never gotten the point of relying the rhythm method. It was far too unreliable for his liking and usually employed by religious types to get around the 'sex only for procreation purposes'. And since she wasn't on any other hormonal or barrier forms of birth control methods... "Oh, God, you're not on _anything_?" he finally realised. "How the hell could you do that to me?"

"Jack, it's not like that."

"Yeah? Enlighten me _what it's like_ because from where I'm sitting, I just had _completely_ unprotected sex with you."

"Oh, you want enlightenment, Jack? I can't have children. I got tested after I found out about the Chlamydia."

Jack immediately regretted his harsh words. After he'd found out about the syphillus, he'd been tested himself for infertility – he was perfectly fertile, of course, but in the time between being told it was a possibility and getting the results, he'd lived with the fear that he might never have children. He'd been sixteen at the time and had never given a passing thought to the idea of having kids and all of a sudden had to deal with the very real possibility that he may never because of someone else's selfish lusts. He had been lucky, and luck was all that separated him from Gabrielle's circumstances.

"I'm sorry," he said contritely. "I didn't mean to be such a jerk about it."

"You weren't the one who gave it to me."

"Yeah, but I've been through something like that myself – with Patrick – and I know what it's like to think maybe you'll never have that opportunity. Does Steve know?"

"Never told him." At the time she'd wanted nothing to do with him and now, when his life was back on track, she saw no reason for burdening him with someone he couldn't make up for. "Does this change anything between us?" she asked.

"Why would it?"

"I know it's something you want in the future, Jack... and it's not something I can give you."

_Poor girl_. He wondered how heavily that weighed on her mind, not just with him but with every date, every potential boyfriend. "It's not something I'm planning on for a while," he said cautiously, knowing that what she actually wanted to hear was that it didn't bother him at all. It did, he had to admit. In his heart of hearts he didn't see a future with someone who couldn't give him children. He quickly changed the subject. "Why don't you go have a shower? I want to go down on you and I want you to be clean." As he said this, he traced lazy patterns the length of her body, and Gabrielle shivered in anticipation. Steve had flat-out refused to do it, saying it was dirty, and if Jack was as good at giving head as he was giving a hand job or making love, then she was in for a treat.

She left Jack's bed for the shower, the warm water surprisingly cleansing on her sweaty body. She had only been there for a few minutes when Jack let himself in and slipped behind her. "Thought you could do with a hand with your back," he said huskily, taking the soapy flannel from her hands and running it slowly, sensually down her back. She shuddered at his ministrations. He knew what he was doing and she pushed away the disloyal thought that he'd had a lot of practice.

He started washing her down from the front, caressing her with the flannel with slow deliberation across her neck, her breasts, down to her abdomen... she gasped and bucked against him when he reached between her legs and conveniently dropped the flannel and started caressing her with his fingers. "I should warn you," he said, "when I'm in love, I have a high sex drive – I can do it three, four times a day, every day."

"If your last effort is your standard, then I'll take that as a promise," she said. He nudged gently against her thighs so she spread her legs for him. She was panting with desire by the time he penetrated her. "Jack!" she screamed. The sound of the running water was enough to mask her voice that Jack didn't need to keep her quiet.

* * *

Gabrielle woke late the next day, her whole body aching in a good way. Jack hadn't been bragging when he'd said he had a high sex drive. _Five times_ he had managed last night. Three vaginally, one orally – after all, turnabout was fair play – and one... she blushed when she thought about what she had allowed Jack to do to her... what she had _wanted_ him to do to her. She had been apprehensive at first, because she knew what a painful, humiliating experience it had been for him but it had been far less uncomfortable and dirty then most of her experiences with Steve.

She couldn't believe how shamelessly she had acted last night – Steve had always complained she was too stiff, too conservative in bed but last night she had been a fantasy of wantonness. After they'd copulated in the shower, he'd laid her on the bathroom floor and come good on his promise to go down on her. For half an hour. And when he had directed her head down, she'd eagerly given him a blow-job, enjoyed the act, gotten off on turning him on. What had been disgusting with Steve was a kick with Jack. She knew she should be embarrassed but she just wanted to be with him more.

She got out of bed and dressed quickly, padding into the kitchen where Jack was reading the newspaper over breakfast. "Morning," she greeted him in her best attempt at a sexy voice. She bent down so she could kiss the back of his neck – something she had discovered last night he really liked. He tensed up. "Anything wrong?" she asked, concerned because while she didn't know much about men, she knew they didn't usually react stiffly to the woman they'd spent the night before with.

"This is a mistake," he said.

She felt her heart catch in her throat. "I don't understand."

"What's to not understand, Gabrielle?" And she knew whatever was on his mind, it was serious. He rarely called her Gabrielle. "Last night you were moping 'cos Steve didn't want to get back with you. A few hours later you were in my bed. If that's not rebound sex, I don't know what is."

"Jack, it wasn't like that." Maybe she _had_ started out despondent at Steve's rejection, but when Jack had declared his feelings for her, everything had become crystal clear and her feelings for Steve were put in proper perspective – she loved Jack, was _in_ love with him, and totally hot for him to boot. She had come alive in his arms in a way that no other man could have brought her alive.

"Yeah? What else was it like then? Because from where I'm sitting, you came into my room after you'd been moping about your ex and I made you feel better about yourself. You _used_ me to feel better about yourself."

"I did not! Please, Jack – it wasn't like that at all. When you said those things I realised how I felt about you!"

"Mighty convenient epiphany."

"It's true. You've got to believe me." It wasn't right that she should finally realise how she felt about him only for things to fall apart.

Jack shrugged. "I do believe you," he said off-handedly, and her heart soared at the same time it plummeted. He didn't say it like he was _happy_ about it. "Or at least, I believe you believe. But... you can't just switch off your feelings for him like that. I know I'm good in bed, but not _that_ good that I can obliterate your feelings in one night – or ever."

"Jack, I don't understand. What are you saying?"

"I'm saying us being together is a mistake and nothing's changed. I'm still moving out."

"No, you can't. You – "

Jack held his hand out in a _stop_ motion. "Don't make this any harder then it already is," he pleaded. "Last night shouldn't have happened. I've never regretted any woman the way I regret last night. Please save us a little bit of dignity." And with that he got up and walked out, thinking that if he didn't, his resolve would crumble and he'd take her in his arms and do things he was better off not doing.

He loved her. She was his best friend, his confidante, his soul-mate – and he was unbelievably hot for her, he couldn't remember being so attracted to a woman, ever. But her heart still belonged to Steve. He couldn't allow himself to believe her feelings for Steve had evaporated with just a few words on his part. If he did, he was setting himself up to heart his heart shredded. Eventually, her feelings for Steve would resurface. Maybe not straight away – he'd known her mind was completely focused on his last night – but eventually those feelings would resurface. Eventually, her thoughts would drift to Steve. Eventually –

Jack slammed his fist against the side of the steering wheel, frustrated and angered at the unfairness of it all. Steve had treated her like crap but she was so hung up on him that there would never be room in her heart for someone else.

* * *

"Something happen between you and Jack?" Charlotte asked Gabrielle two days later.

"No, why?"

"You guys seemed pretty strained and you're usually so pally. If something's going on between you guys, you really need to sort it out. You have the best working relationship. And if you don't sort it out soon, Frank will start asking questions and you know what he can be like."

"We had a fight. He's moving out," Gabrielle said vaguely. Jack had been cool and distant towards her since he had told her the night they had spent together had been a mistake. And on top of that, the red-hot chemistry that had seen them thrashing around in his bed for most of the night was now magnified. Being in such close proximity to him constantly – at work and at home – made her hungry for him. She would have let him ravage her on her desk if the thought had taken him. And the worst thing was, she had no idea if he was as hot for her or his attraction to her had faded once he'd had her – like it had with Rachel.

"What on earth could you have fought about that he's moving out?" Charlotte asked incredulously. "You guys are a perfect team. He must know he'll never find anything better."

"We, uh... we slept together," she admitted, not meeting Charlotte's eyes. "And the next morning he said it had been a mistake, that he didn't want to be with someone who was hung up on their ex."

"Whoa." It didn't exactly surprise her that Gabrielle and Jack had slept together – their chemistry had been simmering along for months – but it was still a shock. Added to the fact that he had turned her down the next day because of Steve – "_Are_ you still hung up on Steve?" Charlotte asked. It was no more a secret of Jack and Gabrielle's chemistry that her relationship with Steve was highly convoluted. Charlotte knew Jack hadn't wanted to get involved with Gabrielle because of that, that he felt her kissing him at the wedding was to make a point to Steve. Privately, Charlotte thought Jack could make her forget about Steve if he wanted to – but he didn't want to. Stubborn boy.

"I thought I was," she admitted, and ended up blurting everything out – about asking Steve if he thought they should get back together, about moping over it until Jack had yelled at her about being pathetic and blurting out his feelings for her. About how she had never felt more alive then in Jack's arms, never felt more loved, how the intensity of his emotions and his touch had completely obliterated her feelings for Steve as if he had been nothing but a schoolgirl's crush. And to have him turn around and tell her he wouldn't get involved with her because he didn't trust that she was over Steve – "He doesn't believe me," Gabrielle finished. "It's like he's determined to believe the worst."

"Oh, Gabby. That's not your fault. He had this girlfriend –"

"Yeah, I know about Terri. And that's not fair. He's lived with me for the past six months, for heaven's sake. He should know me better then that. He acts like I don't know myself, that I don't know if I have feelings for Steve or not."

"You have to admit, Gabby, it doesn't look too good. You get rejected by your ex then discover you have feelings for your housemate _after_ he blurts out his feelings for _you_. Sounds a bit like rebound, or ego-soothing." Gabrielle opened her mouth to protest, and Charlotte stopped her. "I think you're sincere, and I think you know what you want. But I can't blame Jack for being guarded. It took his so long to get over Terri – not even Terri so much as constantly feeling like he couldn't compete with a ghost."

"So what do I do? I really like him, Char – I love him. And I think he loves me – no, I _know_ he loves me, and I think he could fall _in_ love with me if he let himself. But how do I make him lower his guard?"

Charlotte bit her lip. "You may not like it," she said.

"Try me, I'm desperate."

"Look, you said this sex was amazing, yeah?" Charlotte didn't actually need Gabrielle to confirm this; although she and Jack shared little real chemistry, she hadn't been _that_ drunk that she didn't remember how devastating he was in bed. Combine that with someone he _did_ have serious chemistry with and a close camaraderie and Charlotte was starting to feel jealous, she doubted many people got to share with Jack and Gabrielle shared – and she doubted she would ever share that with someone. "You've heard of friends with benefits?"

Gabrielle blushed and turned her head away. Of course she'd heard of friends with benefits, where friends engaged in a casual sex relationship without being in a romantic relationship. She was Catholic enough to find just the idea a little offensive. How did you engage in casual sex with someone without sharing other aspects of their life? How did you sleep with someone and then act like nothing had happened at work and at home? How did you _not care_? A one-night stand was less offensive because you never saw them again, you didn't have to _not care_. "I knew you wouldn't like it," Charlotte noted, seeing how flushed Gabrielle was.

"It's just – I don't think I can do something like that. I mean, wouldn't it – wouldn't it be kind of like being his – his _whore_?"

Charlotte smiled sympathetically. Sometimes she didn't understand how Gabrielle could be so tolerant of Jack's sexual history, she was so chaste herself, the kind of girl who had never really relinquished the dream of marrying her childhood sweetheart and settling down in a house or farm surrounded by a white picket fence. "I don't think so," she said, although she was hardly the expert on such things. "I think he has to be married for that. And cheating. Think about it. He'd be faithful, and you're already so close – between that and living and working together, how long do you think he'll think of it as friends with benefits, and how long before he'll think of you as his girlfriend? You can't really do friends with benefits when you're living together – even in separate rooms – but he doesn't need to know that."

Gabrielle was cottoning onto Charlotte's line of thinking. Offer him casual sex when you couldn't really keep it casual given they already lived together. It wouldn't be long before he couldn't maintain the line in his head between friends and lovers. But the idea still seemed a little apprehensible to her. Or maybe it was just the idea of propositioning – maybe even seducing – someone as experienced and jaded as Jack. But what other option did she have? To let him just leave? What about having to work together?

It was the best of a bad lot of options, she decided.

* * *

He was channel flipping when she came home, restless. The situation with Gabrielle really bothered him. He had thought if he just moved out he would be able to forget her, but being so close to her while they were working only fuelled his desire. He could have sworn her uniform was a lot more figure-hugging then it had been a few days ago, and just seeing her sucking on the end of her pen made him think dirty thoughts...

He ached to draw her into his arms and kiss her and cuddle up to her and unbutton her shirt. He willed himself not to get an erection, which had been insanely difficult these last two days. The last two nights had been plagued by erotic dreams – he'd been surprised he hadn't woken Gabrielle up. _That_ would have been embarrassing. "Hi," he said, not looking at her when he greeted her.

Her heart sank. She had been hoping for something a little more friendly, something that would bolster her courage. A smile, an affection tone in his voice, _something_. Well, she had made up her mind and she had nothing to lose but a little dignity by going through with it. She walked over to the couch and straddled him, knees on either side of his thighs. "Gabrielle, what the – " he went to push her off him but somehow his hands didn't get further then grabbing her hips. God, she felt good to hold.

"I've been thinking," she said in a voice that was meant to be coy and sultry but came across charmingly inexperienced. She was never going to be in the same league as Deanna or Ashley – it was what he liked about her. "You're attracted to me, aren't you?"

"I think we established that's the problem." How could she even ask that? Wasn't it obvious he was hot for her?

"And how is moving out going to rectify that? You've wanted me at work, haven't you?" It was a guess, and he nodded, thinking it was so obvious that she couldn't have missed it. "Have you heard of friends with benefits?" He nodded; of course he had. He'd never gotten the appeal; if he wanted casual sex, he'd pick someone up in a bar and if he wanted to sleep with someone he had a connection with, he'd enter a proper relationship. "You don't trust my feelings for Steve, fine. But you can't deny our chemistry and you think not living with me is going to change that? It's been two days and we've barely kept it together. What's going to happen a week from now? We tear each other's clothes off in a consult room?"

"So what are you proposing?"

"I think it's obvious what I'm proposing." She started kissing his collarbone the way he liked, running her hands down his chest until one rested on his crotch provocatively. "You don't have to be my boyfriend if you don't want to... just my lover."

"You don't want more from me then that?" Oh, God, the way she applied pressure to his crotch – the reaction was instantaneous. Multiple inches of hard, thick Jack Quade at her mercy.

"I want you," she said. "I don't care about anything else. And you can't say you don't want me." She applied a fraction more pressure and rubbed her hand against his erection so he groaned. _Minx. Provocative, seductive minx_. She smiled to herself. He was completely at her mercy; she idly wondered if she could get him to propose in return for a blow job, he was that hot for her. Well, a proposal wasn't what she was after – she just wanted him to come around to her way of thinking. "Why don't I give you some time to think about it?" she asked huskily, her tone actually sincere now. Feeling Jack's hardness against her hand excited her. She unzipped his pants and bent her head to take him into her mouth.

He dug his fingers into her shoulders and shuddered in ecstacy and pent-up desire as his erection disappeared into her mouth. She had said it was OK to put his hands on the back of her head but it wasn't something he'd ever been comfortable with – too many bad memories of hands on the back of his head. "Oh, God," he cried out as she began working him. For someone with very little experience with men, she knew what he liked. Or maybe he was so hot for her that any half-assed, inexperienced effort would still make her seem like the world's greatest prostitute.

He bit down on his lip to keep from screaming as he climaxed. He cried out her name over and over as if it was the only word he knew, then slumped against the couch, completely drained. "I'm going to go rinse my mouth out," she cooed. She knew Jack couldn't stand the taste, made him throw up. She couldn't blame him for it but it meant she had to rinse her mouth out after every time she went down on him.

He entered the bathroom a few minutes later, just as she was done brushing her teeth and rinsing with Listerine just to make sure. The smell of mint was so strong he almost wished she hadn't bothered – but he appreciated that she understood his hang-up. He smiled, thinking how wonderful it would be to be with someone who understood his hang-ups. He hugged her from behind. "Are you seriously OK with this?" he asked her. "Would you be happy – not getting what you want from me?"

She smiled brightly – and falsely. "I think I need time of my own to decide what I want in the longterm. What i want now is you – your friendship, to share your bed. That's all." She was lying through her teeth. She wanted his love, for him to be in love with her. But he wasn't ready to give that to her. So she had to settle for her friendship – and his bed.

He kissed her gently. "OK." So long as she was OK with the fact it was all he was wiling to give right now. He kissed her harder, his tongue snaking into her mouth. "Beautiful," he said. "Want you."

"Lets' go to your room," she suggested. "Cold tiles don't fuss me, to be honest."

Laughing, he swung her into his arms as easily as if she were a ragdoll and carried her to his room.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks, guys, for reading. Sorry for the delay - my awesome betareader _let1986_ had exams. Unfortunately, it may take some time with ch11 because the chapter evolves around Erica's death and the last episode made me so sad that often I just stare at the computer for an hour and write a dozen words. We'll never see Dan, Jack or Ricki again. I know it's just a show but I knew those characters as real as I know some of my friends. I'll get over it to write but for now, it keeps coming back to me. I hope you understand any delays.**

"Frank, do you have a sec?" Jack asked Frank two days after he and Gabrielle had consummated their friends-with-benefits relationship.

"Can it wait?"

"I'd rather it didn't." While he looked calm on the outside, inside, he was trembling with fear. He and Gabrielle had talked at length but he hadn't strayed from his conviction that Frank needed to know they were sleeping together. He still felt awful about Deanna and the fact she had used him in her battle against Frank, and he didn't want to put his professional reputation at risk by not having who he was sleeping with a matter of public record, at least to the people who mattered. Like Frank.

Not that he thought Gabrielle was anything like Deanna. But it would make him feel a lot better for Frank to know about his relationship with Gabrielle.

Frank, grunting at the inconvenience that someone – even someone who was proving to be an invaluable help on the ward when he found Steve to untrustworthy and Bart too green – would interrupt his down-time. He gestured to the seat opposite his desk (_his_ desk, despite the fact Charlotte kept insisting it was _their_ desk) for Jack to sit down. "What is it?"

Jack got straight to the point. "Gabby and I are involved."

Frank scowled. Just what he needed, Jack Quade getting it on with another member of his staff – and he kept thinking of the entire nursing staff as 'his', despite Gabrielle's repeated protestations that the nursing staff were an entirely different department to the ED doctors – like he hadn't caused Frank enough headaches with his apparent penchant for _his_ doctors and nurses. "Not funny," he said, hoping it was Jack's strange idea of a joke.

"I'm not being funny, Frank," he said. "You think I'd joke about something like this after Deanna?"

Frank had to give Jack credit for that. He had been genuinely contrite about the havoc Deanna had wreaked on the ED, using him as a character reference. That he was coming to Frank and admitting his relationship with Gabrielle voluntarily was testimony to his character. "How do you mean, _involved_?" Frank asked.

"We're sleeping together," Jack replied. He didn't go into the details of their arrangement; Frank wouldn't understand. More then that – he wouldn't _approve_, and Frank's approval was something he craved.

"Since when?"

"Since two days ago."

Frank sighed. But who was he to deny the simmering chemistry that had existed between them for months? Their kiss at Dan and Erica's wedding had simply been the most obvious manifestation of it. And she was good for him. Frank doubted Jack had ever been as happy as he had been in the past few months living with Gabrielle. "Bloody be discreet. The last thing I need is this _rivalry_ between you and Steve flaring up against over her." His face softened a fraction. "But good luck. I think you'll be very happy with her."

* * *

"What do you think is going on between them?" Dan asked Bart a few days later. They were watching from the main staff area, which conveniently had a direct view into Frank, Charlotte and Gabrielle's office. Gabrielle and Jack spent an awful lot of time in there. Always with the door open, of course, so no-one could say they were getting up to no good behind closed doors, but even then, they looked pretty cosy. His arm was draped casually across the back of her chair and they were doing something (actually, Jack was going through the rosters with her) that meant he spent a lot of time leaning in to her...

"Wonder what they're talking about," Bart mused. Given they seemed to have nothing in common, the fact they always had something to talk about was something no-one understood...

"... Tonight I'm going to go down on you until your begging for me to screw your brains out," Jack murmured huskily, his breath warm against her skin.

Gabrielle blushed. Jack delighted in saying crass things to her while they were working, pushing her unsophisticated buttons just because he could. Sharing Jack's bed, she discovered, was a thrilling and eye-opening experience. Not only was the sex sensational, but Jack was as far away from the once-a-week missionary type as you could get. He liked sex on the beach. He liked sex in the back of his car. He liked stirring her awake by touching her until she didn't care what time it was. He'd introduced her to games and toys she knew she could feel dirty to oblige but with Jack she felt loved and respected. And she knew she would never seriously chide him for talking to her the way he sometimes did with their colleagues just meters – sometimes feet – away from them. "Be quiet!" she admonished him half-heartedly, more because he was putting thoughts in her head and distracting her then because someone might overhear.

He caressed the back of her neck until she struggled to breathe regularly. "Or maybe I can't wait that long. There's a rumour circulating about a blow-job in an closed ward, we may as well be hung for sheep as lambs..."

Gabrielle found herself blushing harder. Jack was thoroughly enjoying himself, she knew... and she had to admit, she kind of enjoyed it. Interacting with Jack was incredibly scintillating. Boldly, she placed her hand on his knee then moved it up. Two could play at that game. She heard Jack's breathing become suddenly shallow and smiled triumphantly. She noticed he made no effort to remove her hand...

Frank walked in and Gabrielle snatched her hand away. He eyed them suspiciously. They both looked guilty. "Hope you're not up to anything," he said gruffly.

Jack looked innocent. "Why would we be up to anything? The door's open." Frank couldn't fault him there, but he still had his suspicions.

It was never easy when they lost a patient but this one was particularly hard on Gabrielle because it was the result of liver failure by being a chronic alcoholic in serious denial. While she didn't have any romantic feelings for Steve anymore, they still shared a long history and whenever she saw the results of alcoholism, it frightened her to think where he could have ended up.

Jack found her in her office, looking distressed and distracted. He came behind her and hugged her. "Does it bother you to think about it?" he asked.

"I know you don't like talking about him," Gabrielle said wearily.

"I don't, but I care about you so if you want to talk about it..."

She allowed herself to relax in his arms. "You're sweet," she said, and he was. They'd been in their friends-with-benefits for several weeks now and while he'd never hinted at making it a proper relationship, she knew that was what it was. Well, apart from the fact they didn't date, per se. In fact, they'd barely gone out apart from work and grocery shopping since they'd started this relationship. Who wanted to go out for dinner when they could order Chinese, be done in fifteen minutes and move to the bedroom? "Just sometimes something happens that makes me think how he could have ended up."

He kissed her on the neck. He felt oddly _un_-jealous of their relationship. As the weeks progressed, he became more aware that Steve wasn't the ghost of love past he'd worried about. He wondered if maybe he should arrange to take her out on a date, make things official, but everytime he thought of it he decided he needed a little more time to become _really_ secure in her feelings for him – and for Steve. "Sometimes I worry where I may have ended up if it hadn't been for my intelligence and ambition," he admitted. "I guess you just have to come to terms with it however you can."

She kissed the hand that was on her shoulder. "Thanks for being so understanding," she said gratefully.

"That's my job, I'm your best friend." She could have sworn he was about to say _boyfriend_ and wondered if he'd deliberately stopped himself.

Gabrielle turned her head so she could meet Jack's eyes. She loved looking into his eyes. She loved how good she felt around him. She loved everything about him. She closed her eyes and, despite the fact they'd agreed to keep their relationship – whatever it was – quiet, she allowed him to kiss her. _Allowed him_? She wanted him to. She wrapped her arms around his neck when their tongues met and melted into his arms. Jack always made her feel better...

"Frank, I was wondering if you could –" Bart started to say as he walked into the office, stopping dead when he saw the kissing couple. He blushed. They weren't in a particularly compromising position but Jack and Gabrielle generated a particular brand of heat that made you feel like a voyeur walking in on them. "Sorry," he mumbled, backed out – and rushed off to tell Dan.

"Sorry, should have been more discreet," Jack apologised.

"It's OK. I was kind of sick of having to keep it quiet, and it wasn't exactly stopping people from talking about us." She tilted her head up so she could kiss him again. Now that they were busted, she may as well enjoy it...

* * *

Jack was in a dejected mood. He'd lost a patient because the system was down and he hadn't been able to get the information he needed, so he'd had to guess, and guess right. Dan had warned him against taking such a risk but he'd been too stubborn to listen and gone ahead anyway.

And now his patient was dead. _Damn it_.

In his head, Jack knew he couldn't have done anything different without the backup he had needed – a guess was the best he could have done and it just happened to be the wrong guess.

"There's nothing you could have done, Jack," Gabrielle said soothingly. "You did the best you could with the circumstances you had." She tried to rub his shoulders but he remained tense. "Try and forget about it."

"_Forget_ about it?" Jack asked incredulously. "Gabrielle, are you completely heartless? The man is _dead_ – I can't just _forget_ about that." He'd called her _Gabrielle_ again.

"I'm not being heartless, Jack, I just think you need to put it into perspective – you didn't kill the guy. What else could you have done, nothing? He still would have died." She kissed the back of his neck. "Try and relax. Beating yourself up over it wouldn't achieve anything." Thankgod, he actually seemed to be responding to her touch. He started making those sounds from the back of his throat that meant he was getting turned on. He pulled her into his lap and kissed her deeply. Relieved, she responded eagerly although she knew something was slightly off he was too forceful, too dominating. He'd always been dominating sexually – at least, he always had been in the few weeks she'd been sharing his bed – but this was different. This was like he was to conquer her.

Within a few minutes they were going at it on the couch and it was over within ten minutes, another two things that were off about him. He liked foreplay and he liked it to last. He still brought her to a climax, but it felt somehow shallow, not as good as it had been in the past.

After she lay in his arms. "You OK?" she asked stupidly.

"Fine." Given he'd lost a patient because he'd made the wrong call.

"You just seem... off."

"You're the one who instigated it, Gabby. What did you expect?"

She was shocked by the aloof tone in his voice. Things had been going so well between them and now this. She tried to shrug it off, tried to tell herself he was just having a bad day after the trauma of losing a patient, but she couldn't get the tone of voice when he'd dismissed her out of her head.

* * *

Erica was missing and no-one knew where she was. Dan was trying to keep it together but it was obvious he wasn't coping. Not that anyone could blame him, they were newlyweds, at one of the most intense points of their lives, and she had just vanished off the face of the earth. They were _all_ worried for her.

So Gabrielle was down one nurse – two, if you counted how distracted Dan was – which made it incredibly difficult for Gabrielle to run her department. On top of that, Jack wasn't dealing with Timothy's death. He was becoming increasingly withdrawn and moody, like he had been during the worst of his counseling. She had tried to coax him out of it the way that had been so successful in the past, but he made it clear the only thing he wanted from her was sex.

Friends with benefits, ha. A _friendship_ would be nice.

Now he was facing an internal investigation. Frank had assured him it was just a formality, but Jack knew he faced losing his license, and that scared the crap out of him. Medicine was the most important thing in his life – the only thing he had ever really wanted, he'd told Gabrielle. That had hurt. Did he not want her? Did he not care about her? Oh, she got that it was just a slip of the tongue, but it still hurt.

She came home to find Jack on his laptop. "Why don't we go out for dinner?" she suggested. "We haven't been out in ages." Not since they had started sleeping together. Before, they had gone to plays and movies and dinner all the time but ever since she'd started sharing his bed, it was like all he was interested in was sex. Their friendship had been eroding even before he had lost Timothy. She had hoped being with him would make him fall in love with her and want to be her boyfriend, but it had backfired spectacularly on her. Now she barely even had his friendship.

"Don't feel like it," he grunted, not even looking at her. He reached out and squeezed her thigh. "Give me a few minutes to finish up and I'll be with you."

By 'being with her' she knew in bed. "Jack, what happened to us?" she asked. "We used to be so close and now you don't even look at me when I come in the front door. All we ever do is have sex. You may as well be paying me if that's all you want from me," she finished bitterly.

Jack reached for his chequebook. "How much do I owe you?" he asked distractedly. It was clear he'd barely heard her, but that didn't make it any less a blow to the heart. He sensed her broken heart and looked up to see her crying and he realised what he'd said. "Oh, God, I'm so sorry," he said. "I just heard you say something about paying you and I thought – well, I wasn't thinking. Gabby, please don't cry. I didn't mean to hurt you." He pulled her into his arms and gave her the first real hug he'd given her in weeks – full of compassion, love, friendship. "I'm just under so much stress. I'm scared, Gabby. I could lose my license and it means the most to me in the world other then you."

Finally she'd broken through to him. "I'm scared, too," she admitted. "I'm scared about what's happened to Ricki, I'm scared for _you_. You used to tell me everything, Jack. Now you shut me out and the only time we're together other then work is sex. You agreed to friends with benefits. Where the hell is the friendship?"

He held her so gently that she could almost believe things were back to normal – she wanted things to be back to normal so badly. "I've been selfish," he said soothingly. "I've been thinking only of myself. You're right, we haven't been friends for a while. Just... let me get through this investigation and things will be different, I promise."

"Let me be there for you," she begged him through her tears. "Let me help." Then there was the issue of Erica. Gabrielle knew he was worried about the woman too – he saw Dan like a brother, and by extension that made Erica his quasi-sister-in-law – and it had to be better for them to be worried together then distancing themselves from one another.

"You can't help me," he said sadly. "I have to do this on my own."

* * *

The inquiry was a nightmare. Jack had to relive every decision he had made which had contributed to Timothy's death. What had seemed like reasoned decisions at the time were now blatantly stupid. Maybe he didn't even deserve to keep his license. Frank kept trying to paint Jack's actions in the best light possible – he'd done the best he could in the circumstances he had, just as Gabrielle had tried to tell him – until Jack finally got fed up with what he saw as Frank's mollycoddling and screamed "I _killed_ my patient!"

Even though he was cleared of any negligence or wrongdoing, Jack couldn't absolve himself of the guilt. A man was _dead_ because of his actions. That wasn't something you could forgive yourself for. Oh, sure, he had lost patients before, but always when the odds were stacked against him, usually unbeatably so, not when there had been every chance of saving them and they died anyway.

"You can't keep beating yourself up over this," Frank told him, as sympathetic as Frank could get. Jack didn't hear a word of it.

And the worst was yet to come in the form of Timothy's widow, Janice. She had come seeking closure about Timothy's death. Charlotte had initially told Dan and Bart, who were treating Janice, not to tell her about Jack's involvement, or Jack of her presence, but Dan had felt sorry for Jack and thought maybe seeing Janice would cheer him up. Instead, Jack had told Janice he blamed himself, and of course Janice had been furious at the man who had killed her husband, or so Jack said. Frank then had to explain to Janice that Jack had done everything he could, that it was testimony to the kind of doctor he was that he felt so bad about Timothy's death. He managed to convince her that Jack wasn't to blame for Timothy's death, and she apologised to Jack for taking her anger and grief out on him.

Gabrielle, who had been witness to this, couldn't help but compare the similarities between Janice being worried about Timothy and Erica's disappearance. Gabrielle didn't have a lot of friends, and Erica meant a lot to her. She was worried about the woman. She wanted to have Jack back, someone she could go to for comfort and support. Maybe now that this inquiry was over –

She cuddled up to him on the couch after work but he was stiff. "You said after the inquiry was over, things would be different," she said, trying not to sound like a petulant child.

"I've got a lot on my mind," he said shortly.

"You were _cleared_, Jack. Your license is safe. God, if the board and Frank and Janice can't convince you that _it wasn't your fault_ then what's it going to take?"

Jack shrugged. "I don't know," he admitted miserably. "I just keep wondering if there's something else I could have done that would have made things different – and I keep coming back to having to call time of death – there's a woman out there who doesn't have a husband, children without a father – and he was meant to be under my care."

"Jack..." she tried to hug him again but he shrugged her off.

"I want to be alone," he said quietly. She knew being alone was the last thing he needed but she also knew what he could be like when he dug his heels in. He was determined to punish himself for a perceived fault. She let him go to wallow in his guilt and hoped like hell he would come out of this slump on his own soon enough.

He didn't. Instead he volunteered for triage, a responsibility the doctors and nurses usually went out of their way to avoid. It was the duty Charlotte had gotten stuck on when she'd first come back from maternity leave and the duty Frank had stuck Jack with when he'd fractured his ribs. It was boring and required no effort and no risk and was precisely why no-one wanted the job – and why Jack was volunteering for it.

"Someone has to do it," Jack said evasively when Charlotte pointed out that no-one actually _volunteered_ for triage.

"Oh, come on, Jack, no-one volunteers for triage. I remember how much you bitched and moaned when Frank put you on 'cos of your ribs, and even you knew you weren't physically fit to lift anything heavier then a _pen_. And now your volunteering for it? I didn't get this job by being stupid and gullible, Jack."

Jack winced. He should have known he couldn't get something like this past Charlotte. "Look, I just need some time to find my feet," he said. "Please just... cut me some slack here," he pleaded.

Charlotte looked at him dubiously. It was obvious Jack had lost his nerve as a doctor. But she let it go for the time being. "How are things with you and Gabby?" she asked. It was also obvious that things were tense between them.

Jack shrugged. "Fine," he lied. He knew he was being an asshole, shutting her out, but he couldn't bring himself to admit just how guilty he felt about Timothy's death and Janice's widowhood – not to mention their children's loss of a father – and how he felt he couldn't make a medical judgment again in case he screwed up again. He wanted to hide in triage.

The following week Frank, sick of Jack hiding in triage, forced Jack to take on a patient who's source of illness couldn't be figured out. Jack was convinced it was mad cow's disease and pursued it relentlessly, going to far as to tell the guy's wife. Finally, Frank had to step in and take over the case himself before Jack brought a malpractice lawsuit on himself and the hospital.

Later, he came to Jack who was skulking around the hospital gardens. "You need to take some time off," Frank said to a protesting Jack. "I'm not firing you," he reassured the agitated doctor. "But you need to take a step back, get some perspective. I'll write it off as a holiday."

Needless to say, Jack wasn't happy about Frank forcing him out like that, but he didn't have much of a say in the matter. He went home and snapped at Gabrielle when she tried to soothe him until she finally snapped back. "I'm supposed to be your girlfriend, Jack, and you're shutting me out."

"I thought we agreed it wasn't a relationship."

"Oh, who were you kidding? You knew exactly what it was. What, you seriously thought you could be my friend and lover and live in my house and _not_ be my boyfriend? Not that you _were_, Jack, you weren't even my friend. You let me come to your room every night and screw my brains out and said you were my friend _when you weren't_. You're so self-absorbed, Jack, that you kept telling yourself it was about Steve when it was about _you_, _you_ couldn't let go of your stupid hang-ups with Terri, _you_ couldn't admit that _you_ weren't fit to be in a relationship."

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Jack yelled back. "You have no idea about my past, how I feel about things – _you're_ too busy being Steve's nursemaid."

"Stop it!" she yelled. "I love you and you can't see that! Sometimes I think you'd rather live in the past then risk your heart."

"That's not fair." Already Jack was heading to his room and packing a bag.

"Where are you going?"

"To stay with Bec."

"Oh, that is so typical of you, Jack, you don't want to talk to me so you just running away. I seem to recall you doing this after Mercedes."

"I am not running away!" he yelled, and she knew she shouldn't have brought up Mercedes but it was exactly the same behaviour – something bothered him, distressed him right to his soul, and rather then talk to someone about it, he shut down and ran away. "If you didn't nag me so much I'd feel a bit more welcome in my own home."

"I'm not nagging!" she yelled back. "And if I was, can you blame me? You're supposed to be my best friend and you never talk to me."

"_You're _supposed to be _my_ best friendand you won't quit nagging me," he retorted. He saw the distressed look on her face and felt bad, but he didn't feel like opening up and resented her nagging. "I'm sorry, OK. I just need... time away from this."

"Time away from _me_, you mean?"

She had always known him – at least she had for the past six months. He nodded slightly. "Yeah," he said, trying to ignore the fact she was battling against tears. "Look, I'll be back in a few days, OK?" he stepped towards her and kissed her as passionately as he could muster – he wasn't feeling a lot of passion right now. Then he left, feeling like a shit but knowing he couldn't be around her right now.

* * *

"Jack, who are you talking to?" Rebecca asked suspiciously – suspiciously because she already knew the answer. She figured he didn't know a lot of people who spoke Russian in the greater Sydney area, which meant he was wracking up a long-distance call on _her_ phone.

Jack reluctantly moved the phone away from his ear and switched to English. "She called me – perks of running a hospital, no-one questions her phone bill."

"What if I want to call for a pizza?"

He got his wallet out of his pocket and handed her his credit card. "Add fifteen bucks to your pre-paid and call it even. Now, shoo."

Rebecca poked her tongue out and laughed at his request for privacy. "As if I can understand you, anyway." Secretly, she was in awe of Jack's multi-lingual skills, although of course she'd never tell _him_ that. His ego was big enough as it was.

Well, maybe not. She knew losing Timothy had gutted him, made him question his ability to be a doctor. She knew he had come here because something had gone terribly wrong between him and Gabrielle – and she knew, deep down in her heart, that Gabrielle was better for him even more then she was. She kept hinting to Jack that maybe he should talk to her, let her in the way he talked to Rebecca and let her in, but it went in one ear and out the other and Rebecca had long since learnt that there was no point in arguing with Jack when he dug in like this.

At least he was talking to Tanya. Rebecca didn't know the older woman that well, but knew enough about Jack – as painful as it had been to learn, she was glad she had learnt it – to know she had been one of the major influences between Jack ended up someone like Travis Knight – never escaping his working-class origins, incapable of any kind of intimacy – and for that, she was grateful to the woman. She just wished it was Gabrielle he was confiding in...

... "You know what your problem is?" Tanya asked him, no doubt about to tell him. "You've never left the state borders of New South Wales, have you?"

"No," Jack admitted, because the ACT and Canberra were inside the state borders.

"You've been thinking about committing yourself to a fellowship when you've seen nothing else of the world outside your state? I had seen more of Australia when I was your age, let alone as much of Russia as anyone can expect to ever see."

Jack immediately launched into a litany of excuses. His dad's idea of travelling was to take the family to Byron Bay for a few days. He'd been sixteen when he had graduated and been emancipated, he hadn't exactly been equipped to travel, let alone travel internationally. He – "Cut the crap, Jack," Tanya said in English. She had a fondness for the saying. She reverted back to Russian. "You speak decent Russian, French and German." Which wasn't strictly true, he _read_ French and German so his pronunciations weren't the greatest sometimes but between English, French and German, he could make himself understood throughout Europe. "You have the financial resources and with your language skills, you can always find work."

Jack had a feeling Tanya was leading up to something. "What do you want?" he asked.

"Merely to do a friend a favour. I'm going to be in St. Petersburg for two weeks a month from now and I think it would be the world of good to come. I know how much you loved Ana and you used to be so enthusiastic about going to Russia... you never talk about that anymore."

"Tan, I can't just pack up and go to Russia," Jack objected, although his brain was ticking over; _why not?_

"Why not?" she echoed his thoughts. "You need to get out and see the world, that's your problem." You have a passport, don't you?

"Yes," he said. He'd gotten it years ago when he'd first thought seriously about going to Europe – a move which had amounted to nothing.

"Then come with me. I can put you on payroll and get your ticket paid for." It was an urban legend, and one that Jack had never been able to confirm, that Tanya was so legendary that not even Kevin Rudd dared question her dubious accounting skills.

Jack thought about it for half a minute. There was Gabrielle, of course... but Gabrielle had already made her point about the fact they weren't even friends anymore, and without being friends, weren't they close to the soulless screwing that had once been his trademark? Who else was there? Dan, but he was wrapped up in Erica – locatable or not. Rebecca, who he adored, and adored him... but some time away wouldn't hurt their relationship. Charlotte and Zach. Christ, he was already feeling awful at the idea of leaving Zach without a father-figure and Charlotte without a carer... but again, it was only temporary.

"OK" he agreed. He'd never made such an impulsive decision in his life, but it felt right.

* * *

He returned to work a few days later happy with his decision. "What did you do all week?" Frank asked him.

"Mostly sat around thinking about what you guys were doing, which is kind of sad," he said ruefully. "But I thought a lot and... things are sorted." Jack didn't say he was resigning; he wanted to confirm that with admin first.

"Good, good. Oh, listen, we have a new nurse, a Claire Anderson – she's Erica's replacement."

"So you hired someone? What happens when Ricki comes back?" Jack asked _when_, not _if_, because like everyone in the ward, he hoped Erica would be found alive and well – but like everyone on the ward – except Dan – he knew the chances decreased everyday.

"Claire knows the position is based on Erica's absence."

"How is Dan taking to her?"

"Sees it as a kind of betrayal on Gabrielle's part. Speaking of which, how are you two? She's been pretty upset the last few days, said you were staying with your sister."

"I had to, Frank, she was getting on my nerves. I know she meant well but she could be such a _nagger_."

"That – or you can be incredibly proud and stubborn. Karen said you weren't complying about Timothy."

Jack glowered. While his conversations with Karen were covered by doctor-patient confidentiality, Karen's opinions on how well he was doing were not. "She's a sexual trauma psychologist, Frank, she doesn't deal with professional stress."

"Fine, then go to another counselor."

"Frank, I'm not seeing another counselor on top of the one you're already making me see." Besides, it would be a moot point soon enough.

He ran into Gabrielle soon enough. "Hi," he said nervously.

"Hi."

"I'm sorry I left, I just needed some space. I haven't been expressing myself well lately and I'm sorry."

"It's OK. Do you want to come over for dinner?"

He didn't want to think about how she'd react when she found out he was leaving so he decided to stall. "Maybe, if I'm free – Frank's pretty keen to have me make up the hours," he said ruefully. He bent down slightly to kiss her forehead, and she felt how distant his kiss was.

He found Claire to be quite a pleasant person, actually preferred her to Amy. They had shared a patient called Gemma, a smoking addict suffering from emphysema. Within ten minutes Jack had wanted to smack her because she wasn't taking her illness seriously, thought it was just something doctors made up to scare patients into quitting. He knew _he_ could be stubborn and pig-headed sometimes, but at least he listened when it came to his health.

It was Claire who finally got through to her, getting her to admit that there was something other then smoking that made her happy – or rather, there were so many things she wanted to do, including travel. It seemed like serendipity.

At the end of the day, Jack handed in his letter of resignation to admin, then went back down to the ED to hand in his resignation to Frank. Charlotte was there, too, which made things convenient.

Needless to say, Frank wasn't happy about Jack leaving. "Sounds a bit woolly to me," he declared when Jack cited his desire to travel as his reason for leaving.

"Tanya just reminded me that it was something I always wanted to do – but kept putting it off. I still love medicine, I'm not throwing away my career, but I want to see what else is out there."

"You sure this is what you want?" Charlotte asked. Jack nodded, and Charlotte could see Jack had made up his mind. "Then enjoy yourself."

Jack department, and Frank turned to Charlotte. "What have you been saying to him?" he demanded, as if she were personally responsible for Jack's decision to leave.

"He's got a point., Frank. He's young, ambitious, wants to see what else is out there – I have no doubt he'll come back even more passionate about medicine." She sighed. "Going to miss him." _Zach_ would miss him. Her son was old enough to recognise Jack, and his absence would be noticed in both their lives. "I wonder how Gabrielle will take to it." Unlike Frank, Charlotte knew Jack and Gabrielle's relationship was sexual, not romantic, but she also knew that Gabrielle was crazy about Jack and waiting for the day he realised he was in love with her. Well, now that day was never going to come. _Poor girl_.

* * *

"I can't believe I had to hear you were leaving from _Bart!_" Gabrielle yelled at him. She had already hit him, but didn't feel any better for it. "I'm supposed to be your _girlfriend_, and you don't even consult me that you're leaving the country or _tell_ me yourself."

"You're not my girlfriend!" he yelled back. "Why can't you get that through your head?"

He'd never been so rude to her, and that cut straight through her heart. It wasn't supposed to end like this. Jack was meant to realise he was in love with her and they'd live happily ever after and – "Please, Jack, you don't have to go."

He raked his hand through his hair. He hated hurting her but, damnit, he _needed_ to do this. And besides, _she_ had come to _him_ with her friends-with-benefits proposition, what right did she have to turn around and call herself his girlfriend? "I'm sorry it turned out like this," he said. "If I could give you what you wanted, I would." _If I thought _you_ could give _me_ what I wanted, I'd stay_. And therein lay the crux of it, he realised sadly. No matter how good a friend and lover she might be, he could never get over the haunting feeling that she would one day return to Steve. "Do you want me to move out?"

He was still here a month. That gave her a month – oh, it was all so sad and desperate but every moment she had with him was a moment she could maybe make him realise how much she loved him, how deeply she was _in_ love with him – and then he'd return her feelings. "No," she said. "You're right, if this is something you need to do, then who am I to ask you to stay? Why don't we just enjoy what time we have together?"

He was relieved she had come to his way of thinking so readily. "I'd like that," he said.

_A month_. A month seemed like such a long time, plenty of time to make Jack see how in love they were and how happy they could be together. _A month_. She had a whole month.

It was less then she thought it would be. Soon after, they found out what had happened to Erica and Jack's time was taken up with both Dan and running interference between the two families.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey guys! Thanks for reading. Obviously, this is my interpretation of what happened after the police came to tell Dan about Ricki's death. I realise everyone's a bit sensitive about it and some people have been extremely critical of the way the writers chose to cobble together the storyline so please, if you find the circumstances sad, don't read it. **

"How does it feel, knowing you'll be unemployed tomorrow?" Charlotte teased Jack on his last day at the hospital. The paperwork was finalised and Jack had met his replacement, Adam Rossi. Adam seemed like a decent doctor and human being, one Jack could see himself having a good working relationship with if it wasn't for the fact he was Jack's replacement.

"Great," Jack said breezily, smiling. He couldn't remember feeling this free from worries. Tanya, as always, knew him perfectly. He'd always been ambitious, and in his ambitions he had failed to realise that there needed to be more to his life then just medicine.

"You hate us that much?" Charlotte said in a mock-hurt voice. She couldn't begrudge Jack the opportunity to travel; he hadn't looked this happy in ages.

Jack poked his tongue out. "Course not," he said.

"Going to miss you."

"I know." Jack leaned in to kiss Charlotte's cheek. He would miss her, too. They had been through so much together, you couldn't help but be close after all that.

Like everyone else on the ward, Charlotte was dying to know what the deal between Jack and Gabrielle was. Were they doing the long-distance thing, were they breaking up? But neither of them were saying anything so it was an ongoing mystery and subject of discussion.

A few minutes later, the police came, asking to talk to Dan. He stalled, but ultimately both Charlotte and Gabrielle forced him to talk to them. Deep down, he knew it was about Erica, and he knew it wasn't good.

From across the ED, Jack saw Dan's knees buckle before Dan even knew they were buckling. Jack instinctively raced to catch him before he fell. He caught Dan, and the unholy screamed that came from Dan's mouth chilled Jack to the bone. He knew he couldn't support Dan's weight so he bent his knees and sank them both to the floor and let Dan cry into his shoulder. He gripped his best friend's grief-stricken body tightly, too shocked from his own grief to care that Dan's weight was pressed against his, his fingers clawing into his arms, a proximity that would have had Jack close to hysterical by now if his homophobia wasn't being blocked by his grief and his need to support his best friend in even greater grief.

Gabrielle clapped her hand over her mouth, realising what had happened seconds after Jack had. Dan wouldn't act like that and neither would Jack if it wasn't –

_Erica was dead. _"No," she whispered, even though in her heart she had known it was true. People as responsible as Erica didn't just disappear. She gripped the edge of the desk. Erica, her best friend, the woman who had asked her to be maid of honour, was dead. "No," she whispered again.

Needless to say, the ED was thrown into a deeply somber mood. Even Adam and Claire, who had never met Erica, were swamped by the sadness. Dan needed to be sedated. He was completely incoherent, babbling about needing to take care of things – funeral arrangements, informing Erica's parents, informing his own mother and brother... Jack volunteered to take Dan home and take care of what he could. His heart broke for his friend. He thought about all the times he had been jealous of what they had, and now felt awful for being jealous.

He glanced at Gabrielle, and could have sworn she was looking at Steve. _Damn it_. If there was any single time that he needed her, it was now. Well, he had greater priorities, anyway. He guided Dan to his – Jack's, not Dan's – car and drove him home. He left the radio off out of respect and didn't try to cut through the grief that enveloped Dan. He couldn't fathom what his friend was going through because he had never loved someone the way Dan loved Erica – and certainly never lost them so horrifically. To not even get to say goodbye... he realised now how lucky he had been to have had that with his mum, with Mary, with Travis. That the last time he had seen her had been full of life and promise for the future and the next, cold and dead in the morgue – there was cruelty to that which in its own way superseded the death itself.

Jack didn't say anything when Dan started plying himself with bourbon. God knew he had done that himself enough times, trying to block out thoughts that couldn't be blocked out. That was something Dan would have to learn for himself.

"Sorry I got so close to you before," Dan mumbled drunkenly after far too much bourbon. Jack was half tempted to match him, and may have, if it wasn't for the fact he needed to stay strong for his friend – he owed Dan that much after the support he had given Jack during the whole rotten Patrick-and-Travis saga. "I know you don't like men touching you."

His wife had been brutally murdered and he was concerned about upsetting Jack's homophobic streak. "That doesn't matter right now," he said gently. "Don't concern yourself with my problems."

"Need to call Ricki's parents. Need to call my mum."

"I've already called your mum and she'll be here tomorrow. I'll talk to the Templetons tomorrow."

"Mum hated Ricki, 'cos of AJ – figured the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Probably glad she's dead."

"Mate, you know that's not true. She looked so happy on your wedding day. Even if she didn't like Ricki personally, she would have respected how happy she made you."

"Oh, God, I don't think I can stand going home, having to deal with mum.. and Ricki's parents."

"I'll come with you if you like," Jack volunteered impulsively. Dan was exaggerating Rhonda's dislike of Erica, but there was no denying the dislike was there. Dan was her firstborn, and realistically far more likely to marry and have children then his wheelchair-bound brother, and all mothers wanted the best for their children – even Jack's mother Carla, the one who had abandoned him when he was eighteen months old, had wanted something great for her son. And since Dan and Erica hadn't been married long enough for Rhonda's dislike to soften into something more palatable, and since Rhonda and Erica's mother Nicole had taken an instant dislike to one another – both thinking their child was marrying beneath them – there was no doubt going to be a lot of hostility between the three parents, hostility Dan was in no state of mind to deal with. While Jack didn't like the chances of establishing peace between the three, he couldn't do a worse job then Dan, and was in a clearer state of mind to do it – and if his could spare his mate that extra trauma, he would.

"You should be with Gabrielle," Dan said. "I don't know how you can leave at a time like this."

"I told you, mate. She still has feelings for Steve."

For a few seconds, Dan became perfectly lucid. "You are so full of crap," he snapped. "You just hide behind this excuse that she's in love with him so you don't have to get hurt. I have never known someone to cling to a heartache the way you do with Terri – and for heaven's sake, if the two of you managed to end up being such good friends, then surely you can move on and see what a great thing you have with Gabrielle?"

"I think that's none of your business," Jack said coolly, forgetting that he was trying to do the right thing by Dan.

"Right now, everything to do with my friend's love lives is my business," Dan countered. "You know, if Ricki and I had wasted as much time as you and Gabrielle have, we would have had half as much time together as we did." While his body ached with grief and loss, he wouldn't even now trade the time they had had together for the lack of pain. His eyes faded as he retreated into memories of happy times with Erica. "You know we talked about having children – and now that's never going to happen. I might go on and have children with someone else – but I'll never have that with her." For some reason, that loss – the loss of something that never would be – cut him deeper then the loss of many things that _had_ been. "She's in love with you. Everyone but you knows that. Quit wasting time."

Jack stayed with Dan until the tormented man fell into a tormented sleep and he left. His original plan was to sleep in his own room but Dan's words had changed his mind. Deep down, he had known Gabrielle was in love with him. They had been together for over a month now and not once had he felt her thoughts wander, no matter how hard he searched for a sense that maybe her mind was on Steve. He had already known that – and maybe he had known that from the beginning – but it was easier for him to accept that, accepted something that was her fault, as his reason for not getting involved romantically with her... the acknowledge that the real reason was beyond her control.

He went home, to find her still up. God, she was so beautiful. She lifted her head from the book she hadn't been reading as soon as she heard the key in the lock. The infinite sadness of Jack's face was clear, and she was sure it was mirrored on her own. Erica had meant a lot to both of them – although not as much as she had meant to Dan. "How is he?" she asked.

"He'll live," Jack said flatly, aware of the grim irony of his words. "His mum is picking him up tomorrow and I have to tell the Templetons. God, I don't know how I'm supposed to do that." But the alternative was letting Dan do it.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

Jack shook his head. "They know me better. But thanks." He stood in the living room a few meters away from her, studying her. It wasn't just her looks – she had an aura about her, a beautiful soul that radiated from the inside out. She took his breath away. "I just wanted you to know I'm in love with you," he said quietly.

For a moment all she could do was stare. "Jack, please don't say that just because you need me," she pleaded, wanting him to mean what he said but not wanting him to say it just because Erica's death had brought a chill to all their souls. "If you want me, you can have me. No strings."

"I know," he said softly, walking towards her. "I just wanted you to know." Not that it would mean anything to her tomorrow, but tonight, they needed each other, and he needed to be honest with her – needed to tell her how he felt. "Dan called me on a few things and I figured I wasn't being much of a friend if I didn't take his advice on love – not tonight."

Gabrielle trembled with hope and anticipation as Jack sat down next to her and took her hands in his. He leaned over to kiss her, trying to be gentle, but need got the better of him and before he knew it, they were making out heatedly. He pulled her up and swung her into his arms, carrying her to his room. It was all he could do not to throw her into the bed, and when he climbed on top of her, he gave up on restraint. It wasn't like she was helping him, the way she was pulling at his shirt, her hands on his back, her fingers tearing at the buttons, running frantic kisses along his chest and frantic hands along his back, bucking against him when he did the same to her. He ripped through the bottom button on her work shirt in eagerness and she was too worked up to notice, let alone care.

He groaned when she placed her hand on his crotch. He couldn't remember being this horny, even with her. He got her out of her pants with ease and flipped her onto her stomach. Her panties were already moist and he wasted no time in getting them off and pushing his fingers inside her. He had an idle thought that he was going to have trouble staying in her, she was that wet. She yelped and spread her legs shamelessly. "Please, Jack, no teasing. Not tonight." Not tonight, when their frantic bedroom antics would be as much a validation of being alive as an expression of love.

Jack wasn't about to waste time teasing her, not when he wanted her as desperately as she wanted him. He got out of his pants, not being able to remember when it had taken as long before. "Get on your hands and knees," he instructed, and she did. He grabbed her hips, paused for a second and plunged into her hard enough that it would hurt tomorrow, but that was tomorrow and _right now_ they both needed it as hard as could be managed. Gabrielle screamed when Jack penetrated her, and for once, Jack didn't tell her to shut up or try and make her. He wanted to hear her scream. Let the neighbours call the police if they wanted to.

He pounded her hard for twenty solid minutes, touching her in the most intimate places until orgasm after orgasm hit her in a never-ending stream of screams and moans. If this were any other night, she wouldn't be able to take it anymore, but tonight was tonight, and she wanted more, more, more.

Finally his own climax came in a drawn-out groan. He buried himself inside her, gripping her hips tightly – she'd have nasty marks tomorrow, but that was tomorrow, right now the pressure of his fingers dug so deeply into her flesh it was a validation of being alive – as he came and came and came, feeling like it would go on forever even though it only lasted a few seconds. He stayed in her for several minutes afterwards, and when he withdrew, he placed his hand on the small of her back, indicating he wanted her to stay on her stomach.

Lying on his side next to her – lying on his stomach was something he could never do comfortably, no matter how fantastic an orgasm he'd just had and no matter how much he loved the woman – he caressed the small of her back and her ass sensually. "Don't think I'll ever feel about someone the way I do about you," he said. She found it odd that he talked in a possible future sense, but she decided it didn't matter. None of them were thinking all that clearly right now.

Jack continued to caress her until he was ready to go again. She had always been surprised at how little stimulation he needed when he was with someone he was really into but this was impressive even for him, that he got off just on touching her and watching her respond. Still lying on her stomach, he climbed on top of her and reached over to his dresser for condoms and lube. "You OK with this?" he asked. She nodded her consent. "You sure?"

"Jack, I'm not you. You've never hurt me, not in any way." Well, apart from when he'd said she wasn't his girlfriend, _that_ had been a knife to the heart, but she knew Jack was referring to physically hurting her. He was well aware of what he needed to do to make it a comfortable experience for her and that the onus was on _him_ to make the experience comfortable. She often thought that the stigma attached to anal sex would be far less if there were more men like Jack around, wanting to make it as pleasant experience as possible for both themselves and their partners.

He positioned himself behind her and slowly pushed inside. It was a different experience entirely, more resistance but not unpleasant. Gabrielle knew she ought to be ashamed of herself for feeling this good, knew her mother would be ashamed of her for the things she let Jack do to her – for the things she _enjoyed_ Jack doing to her – but she couldn't. When Jack penetrated her fully he slowly began pumping her, bringing his hands around her body and touching her in such a way that made her buck up against him and his considerable strength. God, it was a kick, having her beneath him and unable to do anything but scream and writhe as she climaxed.

He loved her. He would miss her.

They had each other a record six times that night before they fell asleep in each other's arms. She dropped quickly from exhaustion, but Jack struggled with sleep. He had deceived her, he knew. Well, not exactly deceived her – just let her believe that telling her he was in love with her meant he was staying when he'd needed to be with her one last time and knew being completely upfront with her wouldn't get him that.

The next morning, Gabrielle woke up and Jack was dead to the world. At least, he was pretending to be. He had barely slept the night before but he needed to get her out of the house and off to work so he could pack.

He had never had a lot of stuff, just his clothes and books and besides, he wasn't going to be able to take much things with him anyway. He figured he could send Rebecca back to get the rest of it, although if Gabrielle wanted to pile it all in the backyard and turn it into a bonfire, he figured that was her prerogative. He was treating her pretty shabbily by leaving like this. But he knew what he was going to face if he confronted her directly. _Damnit_, why couldn't he just have left things be? But Dan had been talking about not wasting opportunities and he'd been so upset and lonely and she'd been there and he couldn't help remember how intense things could be between them. _Damnit, damnit, damnit_. Well, no-one could accuse him of not knowing how to fuck-up royally.

He finished packing, wrote a note and left.

* * *

Nicole Templeton knew why he was there the second she saw him. She had met Jack several times during the wedding preparations; he had proved a godsend in running interference between them and Rhonda. No-one could have asked for a better best man, and only a best man like Jack would take on the responsibility of breaking such heartbreaking news to a woman's parents to relieve his best friend of the responsibility.

Nicole raised her hand to her mouth, much in the same way Gabrielle had done, not wanting to accept it but knowing she had to. "Jeff," she called for her husband, who entered the front hall within seconds. Like Nicole, his spirits plummeted when he saw Jack. Jack wouldn't be here with good news; if it was good news, Dan would be here himself. With Erica in tow.

Jeff Templeton grasped the significance of Jack's presence as quickly as his wife had. In a second, his whole body seemed to lose it's strength. "You'd better come in," he said, gesturing for Jack to enter the house.

Jack had never been inside the Templeton home, but even with the sadness that cloaked the place. Jack could see how much it had influenced Erica's life. Clean and airy, it spoke of loving parents and a secure upbringing. It was an atmosphere that had been sadly lacking in the Quade household, and now more then ever before Jack was struck by how much the Templetons had loved their children and what a devastating loss it was to them that both had died in less then two years. It was a loss Jack couldn't comprehend. "I'm sorry," he said helplessly.

"It was good of you to come," Nicole said. "Ricki said you're a loyal friend but this is really above and beyond."

Jack shrugged. "Dan's been a good friend to me. I went through some trouble last year and he always had my back. I figure I owe him one."

"Where is he now?"

"His mum picked him up this morning, he's gone back to his family's hobby farm, it's about two hundred k's west of Sydney. He wants Ricki buried there."

"But – he can't do that, she's our _daughter_," Nicole objected. "He can't bury her so far from her home. And that _witch_ will never let us see her." She was, of course, referring to Rhonda Goldman. The two women had started off on the wrong foot and never warmed to each other.

"He's her husband, legally he's her next of kin." It didn't quite seem fair – they had been her parents for over twenty years, he had been her husband for not even twenty weeks, and known her less then two years. "I've already spoken to Rhonda. She's not a heartless woman, she does have some compassion for your loss." That wasn't strictly true, but no sense in upsetting Nicole further by telling her what Rhonda had actually said. "Besides, the farm is actually Dan's, he inherited it when his dad died." No doubt hoping that Dan would bring his bride and children there, maybe even to live permanently. Well, he was returning permanently now, if not in the way Kevin had wanted. "Look, I'll be there too, I'll do what I can to make sure she backs off."

"You're coming? What about the hospital?" Nicole asked, confused.

"I quit a week ago. I've made plans to travel – St. Petersburg, where my grandmother was from," Jack said, realising he was babbling but wanting to fill the desperately sad silence. "I was only going to be sitting around the house so I may as well do what I can for Dan."

"That's incredibly loyal of you, Jack," Nicole said. Jack wondered how loyal Nicole would think he as if he knew he had walked out on his lover, leaving just a note.

* * *

Gabrielle got home, glowing with anticipation of seeing Jack, her arms weighed down with the ingredients for roast beef, one of his favourite meals. "Babe?" she called through the empty house. You home?" But she already knew he wasn't, his car wasn't in the drive.

She placed the shopping on the table, her mind clicking over as she processed the details. The house was _too_ empty. Jack was hardly a slob, but he still lived here, and as such, there was always something of his in the communal areas of the house – a magazine, a book, an empty coffee mug, a discarded jacket.

Her heart catching in her throat, she made her way into his room. While he hadn't taken everything, he had definitely taken enough to tell Gabrielle that he had moved out. Her stomach churning, she went into her own room. He had left a note on her dresser. _No_, she thought, struggling to comprehend that Jack had left, at the same time trying to deny it.

_Dear Gabrielle,_

_I'm sorry I had to do it this way. I needed to be with you last night, wanted to feel you one last time and I knew if I told you the truth, you wouldn't have me. I'm sorry for being such a coward and I'm sorry if my actions have caused you any pain._

_It was easier for me to tell myself it was because of Steve, so I could blame you for not wanting to fall in love with you. But it wasn't your fault. The truth is, I want children more then anything, more than I want to be a doctor, more than I want to be with you. When you first told me you were infertile, I did some research about adoption. Because what happened to me is a matter of public record because of the trial, I'll never qualify for adoption. No-one is going to turn me loose on a child. _

Reading this, Gabrielle's heart ached for him. Jack was great with kids and it wasn't fair that after all he had been through, he could be denied something like that. She understood now where his thoughts were heading and as much as it broke her heart, she knew it broke his even more to know that was a path that was blocked to him.

_I wish to God things were different. I wish I could have you and a baby but I have to choose. I can't be with someone who can't give me that. I'm sorry I deceived you. I was a coward. I love you but I can't be with you. I hope you can find someone who you can be happy with._

_Jack_.

By this point, Gabrielle was crying, crying for herself, crying for Jack, crying for the horrible circumstances that were beyond their control that meant they couldn't be together and have the children they both wanted. Gabrielle had always known adoption was her only option, and so long as she and Jack were together, that wasn't an option. Maybe Jack had the right idea and they were better off not being together.

But God, it hurt. Clutching the letter in her hand, she felt her knees buckle as it sank in that Jack had left her. She sank to her knees and let the tears flow freely. It wasn't like there was anyone around to witness her breakdown.

* * *

"Rhonda, be reasonable," Jack said patiently for the umpteenth time in the past fortnight. Rhonda Goldman's dislike of the Templeton was really beginning to get on his nerves, and he could only imagine how Nicole and Jeff felt about it. Rhonda had never forgiven Erica, and by extension her parents, for their affiliation with AJ. Someone had held a knife to her son's throat, the whole family was dubious because of that.

The last two weeks had been a nightmare, and Rhonda's obvious dislike of Jeff and Nicole only exacerbated that. Dan had sunk into a deep depression and wanted to do little more then be alone with his thoughts and memories. Nicole and Jeff obviously felt unwelcome even though Dan had made a few half-hearted efforts to make them feel as if they were his own family. He wanted nothing more then to be left alone with his grief. So Jack found himself doing his best to entertain and distract Erica's grieving parents.

He wasn't exactly in the most uplifting state of mind himself. Not only did he miss Erica more then he thought he would – every so often, he'd remember a gripe he'd made to Gabrielle or Charlotte about how he felt unwelcome in his own home, and he felt awful for thinking that about Erica – but he missed Gabrielle more then he thought he would. Leaving her had been for their own goods, he justified, but that didn't make his heart ache any less to think about her.

It was funny, in those last few weeks that they'd been together, when their friendship had deteriorated to something purely sexual, he had found her an irritating nag. But now all he could think about was how good she could make him feel, how safe and loved he felt when he was with her. She had made him laugh, she had had his back, she had held him on nights where his demons haunted him. No-one had understood him the way she did, no-one had made him feel special and loved the way she did.

It wasn't fair that he'd had to make the choice he did. It wasn't fair that they should be affected by the consequences of other people's selfish actions, Steve's screwing around that had left her unable to have children, the crippling sexual abuse that had disqualified him from ever adopting.

Sometimes he wondered if he had made the right choice, if he could be happy without children... and he knew he had, and that he couldn't be. Maybe for a little while but he knew that in the same way he watched families in the park with longing, there would come a day when he would long that bit too much and resent her for not being able to give him a family – a real family.

He knew he had made the right choice. But that didn't stop it hurting. And when he had to deal with Rhonda's irrational dislike of Nicole and Jeff, he wanted to smack her. Now was not the time to be demonstrating a complete lack of sensitivity and hospitality. "Be reasonable," he said as pleasantly as he could manage. "They've lost a daughter. They've lost both their children in less then two years."

Rhonda scowled. She didn't like having Jeff and Nicole under her roof – but Dan had insisted and the farm was his now Kevin was dead. "A son who held a knife to _my_ son's throat," Rhonda reminded Jack. "It was incredibly traumatic. Have you ever gone through something like that?"

"Yeah, I have," he said, thinking of a drug-mule patient's husband who had held a blood-filled syringe to his throat in a desperate need to get back the condoms full of cocaine they'd pulled from his wife's stomach. For days later he'd rubbed his neck where the needle had been, needing to reassure himself that the skin hadn't been pierced. "And I didn't blame anyone but the guy for it. It wasn't Ricki's fault, and it certainly wasn't Nicole and Jeff's. How would you feel if the situation were reversed, if it were Dan or Luke and you were made to feel unwelcome where they were buried? I know you didn't like Erica but you can't hold that against her parents."

Rhonda's scowl didn't leave her face, but Jack sensed she was softening. He wondered what it was like to have a child to love, and to lose a child that you loved that much. It just made his heart ache that little more for a child – and for Gabrielle. "Try and remember that whatever you thought of Ricki, that doesn't change the fact that they lost a child."

Rhonda nodded slightly. "I wish he'd chosen someone... more like us," she admitted, opening up just a little.

"From the country, you mean?" Jack asked. Rhonda nodded. "I think you do us a disservice. Before I left, I was seeing someone who made you and Kevin look like jaded city slickers. We clashed culturally sometimes but for the most part she taught me a lot, made me aware that there was a world out there then what I'd grown up with."

"Is this Gabrielle?" Rhonda asked. Jack nodded. Dan had spoken highly of his boss and her relationship with his best friend. Gabrielle Jaeger sounded like someone her son could be happy with, Rhonda thought, not some city girl. "She sounds special."

"She is."

"Why aren't you still with her?"

"Wasn't meant to be," Jack said vaguely. He didn't care to go into the details of him leaving her. It had been a cowardly thing to do, more cowardly then anything else he had done in his life.

Rhonda smiled wistfully, her own recent grief over Kevin's death coming to the fore. "If it's love, it's always meant to be," she sad sadly.

A few days later, it was time for Jack to leave. He was driving back to Sydney so he could leave his car with Rebecca, and from there catching a train to Canberra to meet Tanya there. He was reluctant to leave Dan in such a distressed state, but Dan insisted that he would be OK. "Go, have a great time," he said, trying not to think too much about how he and Erica had talked about one day going to Paris. Then he asked, "You gonna see Gabrielle before you go?" Jack shook his head. "Is it really that big a deal, Jack, that she can't have children? If I could have Ricki back I wouldn't give a shit about kids."

"Bet you wouldn't say that if you _did_ have her back," Jack countered. "And anyway, adoption would still be an option for you. I certainly can't take that away from her."

"Damnit, Jack!" Dan yelled in frustration. "Listen to yourself. She's the best thing that ever happened to you and you're pissing it away."

Jack's eyes flashed dangerously. "Don't you _dare_ tell me what I'm doing with my life. You have no idea what it was like for me when Charlotte – " he swallowed hard and forced himself to get it together. "You have no idea how important this is to me. Maybe I was a coward, I got involved with her knowing she couldn't have children when I should have walked away but I deluded myself until I realised eventually, I was just going to resent her for it. We'll both be happier with other people."

"Bullshit."

Jack chose to overlook Dan's rudeness because the man was still grieving deeply. But he knew he was doing the right thing, no matter how much it hurt at the moment. He hugged his mate one last time before getting into his car and driving off, wondering if he would ever see Dan – or, for that matter, Gabrielle – again.


	12. Chapter 12

"Rachel, if you can't manage to get here on time, maybe you should find work elsewhere," Gabrielle snapped as she caught the younger nurse trying to sneak in fifteen minutes late.

"Sorry, traffic was horrendous," Rachel said sheepishly.

"Traffic is horrendous for all of us and we still manage to get here on time," Gabrielle said, her voice unrelenting in its harshness. "If I can't rely on my staff, I have no use for them."

Rachel looked like she was ready to burst into tears. "Sorry," she said again, and rushed off to the staff room to stash her things in her locker. Things had been pretty tense here for the last several weeks, ever since the news of Erica's death and Dan and Jack's departures. It was funny, she had once hated Jack for how shabbily he had treated her, but after a fashion, they had ended up friends – well, as friendly as you could be with someone as secretive as Jack was. She had felt nothing when his relationship with Gabrielle had become public knowledge – well, not nothing, she had actually felt happy for the two of them. But if someone had told her a year ago that she would _miss_ him, she would have laughed.

On top of losing three of the ward's staff in one blow, Gabrielle was a shadow of her normal strong-willed, vivacious self. Everyone knew Jack's leaving both the hospital and her had been a deep blow, although no-one talked about it – at least, not within Gabrielle's earshot. But being abandoned by someone with Jack's reputation about women wasn't something you couldn't not talk about. She was short-tempered and moody, frequently rallying to be pleasant to her staff and patients, only to slide into a dark mood when something reminded her of Jack's departure and Erica's brutal murder. While Rachel couldn't blame Gabrielle's deteriorated personality, it made her an increasingly difficult boss to work with and she was beginning to think maybe it was time to move on. Whereas once the All Saints ED had been a great place to work, now it was one of the dreariest.

"Don't be so hard on her," Charlotte said as Rachel disappeared into the staffroom. "We all miss them."

Gabrielle raked her fingers through her hair. It was coming loose again. Between being increasingly disinterested in her appearance and the fact she had taken to fiddling with her hair as a nervous habit, it was always coming free from its restraints. She knew Charlotte was right. She was taking her frustration and deep sadness out on Rachel and whoever else happened to be a convenient target.

She wasn't coping well, either with Erica's murder and Dan's subsequent return to his family farm, or Jack leaving. She had cried herself to sleep for a week after finding his letter, often clutching at it because it was all that she had left of him. It wasn't until after he had gone that she had realised they had never had a photo taken together, not even on his birthday.

She couldn't blame Jack for leaving because she couldn't give him children. She couldn't blame any man for leaving under those circumstances. If the situation were reversed, if it were Jack who was sterile, she wasn't sure she'd be able to stay. But just because she couldn't blame Jack for leaving didn't mean her heart didn't ache everytime she thought about him.

And she thought about him so often. So many stupid things brought back the memories so vividly it was as if she were living them there and then. A husband who wore the same aftershave as Jack did. A man with a similar figure. An affectionate couple. All were capable of bringing her to tears.

And she knew everyone in the ward knew it, knew they went out of their way not to mention Jack. She knew Adam was skittish around her because he knew he would always make her think of Jack. She knew people were talking about how she was letting herself go, how her skin was starting to look pale, her hair greasy, the circles under her eyes darkening because whenever she went to bed, she lay awake missing him. She hated herself for being so un-professional, for mooning after a man who had walked out on her – who had told her he was in love with her, made love to her all night all the while planning on walking out on her the next day – but she couldn't help it.

She had thought she couldn't feel any worse then she had when she'd found out about Steve and Ashley, any worse then she had when she'd found out she couldn't have children – but missing Jack was infinitely worse.

She wondered where he was. She wondered if something had happened between him and Tanya. She was a stunning woman who he had far more in common with then he did Gabrielle – if she was interested in him, he'd be a fool to turn her down. She knew she shouldn't torture herself with such thoughts but it was something she couldn't help. She missed him so much it physically hurt sometimes.

And it was affecting her work. She knew she shouldn't have snapped at Rachel but so many things grated so easily on her nerves these days, like a nurse running fifteen minutes late. "You're right," she said tiredly to Charlotte. "I don't know what gets into me sometimes. I'm so tired and I can't shake this stupid stomach thing." She'd been plagued by some kind of virus for weeks, always thinking it would clear up in a few days – and it never did.

"You need to get a proper check-up," Charlotte said.

"I know, but I never have the time." In truth she was a fairly common phenomenon within the medical community, a practitioner who lectured on the need for regular checkups but didn't much like being checked out herself.

Charlotte gave her a pointed look. "I think you can find ten minutes right now," she said directly. When Gabrielle started to protest, Charlotte held out her hand in a _stop_ motion. "I'm serious, Gabs. You haven't been feeling well for weeks and it's affecting your work. Give me ten minutes to check you out, maybe take some bloods if I think it's warranted. Don't be so bloody stubborn, that's usually what gets you into trouble." Gabrielle scowled at being told what to do, but allowed Charlotte to lead her into an empty consult room while 'business' was still slow.

Charlotte then proceeded to ask Gabrielle a series of questions, each more personal then the last, that if Gabrielle had been slightly more on the ball she would have worked out where Charlotte was going with her questioning. "When was your last period?" Charlotte asked, and Gabrielle had a hard time remembering. She had always been chronically irregular – she didn't care what medicine had to say about it, she had always been convinced it was another Chlamydia complication – before she finally remembered it had been shortly before she and Jack had gotten together. "And what kind of contraception do you primarily use?"

She had never told anyone about the Chlamydia, mostly because it had always made her feel so dirty – unable to have children because she'd allowed the wrong man to use her sexually. "I don't need to," she said, feeling dirty just disclosing it. "Chlamydia complications."

She spoke the two words with such brutal frankness that Charlotte's heart went out to her. Her own fertility was something she'd had to confront after her miscarriage, given her age. To know you could never have children – "How old?" she asked sympathetically.

"Twenty-one," Gabrielle said. It had only been five years ago, it felt like it had been longer. But then, something like that always aged you, took a softness from you.

"I'm sorry. How many second opinions did you get?" It was more idle curiosity then anything else that prompted Charlotte to ask the question; she remembered Jack saying the possibility of the syphilis having affected his potency had so deeply frightened him that he'd gotten himself tested once a year for five years. Secretly she thought that as inconvenient as it had been at the time, part of him had been relieved when he'd gotten her pregnant because it had proven once and for all that he was capable of doing so.

"Just once. I don't understand where this is going."

"Where it's going is that if _I_ were faced with the possibility that I might never have children, I'd been getting second opinions from a dozen different doctors."

"A dozen different doctors are kind of hard to find in Widgee, southern Queensland," Gabrielle said shortly.

It surprised Charlotte that Gabrielle didn't seem to be cottoning on to the obvious. Could she be resisting rather than face the prospect that she could very well be pregnant to someone who was unreachable? "Let me test you for pregnancy," Charlotte said. "You have to admit, it's a possibility."

Gabrielle felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. She had to admit Charlotte had a point. It had been stupid of her to not be retested, false-positives happened all the time and it was something she would have recommended to someone in the same position. "I feel so stupid," she whispered. "I would have told someone else to get another test."

"You're not the first person to not take the advice you would have given."

Numbly, Gabrielle let Charlotte take blood while her mind raced. She had been so sure, but Charlotte was right – she should have gotten a second test. And if the first test had been a false-positive, then there was every chance she was pregnant, given she'd been completely unprotected and Jack had already proven he could get someone pregnant in one night, let alone how frequently he liked it.

While she waited for pathology to be done, she sat by herself, her mind racing. _Pregnant_. Something she had wanted so desperately, something she would have thanked God for just a few weeks ago, but now – if she was pregnant, what was she going to do? She had no way of getting hold of Jack. She had already tried emailing him and he hadn't replied; either he had ignored it or he'd deleted her address from his account so the mail went to junk. She'd try again of course if she was pregnant, maybe he'd respond to the news... did she even _want_ him to come back just because she was pregnant? He had a right to know but she didn't want him coming back just because of it – she wanted him to come back because he couldn't live without her.

_Stop it_, Gabrielle told herself. There was no point in worry about it until she knew either way.

Charlotte came back shortly after with the test results. Gabrielle knew before Charlotte said anything; it was clear on her face, a combination of apologetic and congratulatory. Congratulatory because she knew from personal experience what it was like to question if you'd ever have children and apologetic because it was such a crap set of circumstances. "Email him," she urged Gabrielle. "He'll come back in a heartbeat, you know that."

"I know. Char, the reason he left – he wants a child so badly and he thought he'd never have one with me since he doesn't qualify for adoption. I mean, it was other stuff, Timothy dying and that but he thought it was better for both of us this way."

"Then I don't see a problem."

"I don't want him to come back because of the baby." That was if she could even get hold of him. "I want him to come back because of _me_."

"I get that, but does it really matter exactly why he comes back so long as he comes back? If Spence decided tomorrow he'd rather be in Sydney then Somalia for Zach's sake, I'd take it. Email him, Gabby. He loves you and he'll come back, you shouldn't place too much stock in _why_."

* * *

Her name was Helen, she was eighteen, a Kiwi fresh out of high school and in London on a working holiday. While she wasn't a knockout, she was still fairly attractive and obliging in bed. She was the last in a long line of women, at least one in every city. Women were so easy to get into bed, whether it was a bar or the hostel kitchen that he picked them up in. Maybe it was the accent, maybe he just projected something that made him attractive. Whatever it was, it eased the loneliness he felt at night.

The days were fine. There was always so much to do – St. Petersburg, Moscow, Istanbul, Prague, every city had a wealth of things to see and do, and it was always hard for Jack to move on. But the nights were hard. He hadn't realised how comforting it was to fall asleep with Gabrielle in his arms, to wake up with her fitting perfectly against his body.

He was lonely. There was an irony there. Once upon a time, he had craved solitude. It was enough just to be away from the clutches of Stella's vicious abuse and Patrick's unwanted sexual attention. He had never been very good at relationships – when he looked back now, he realised that he'd never had a real girlfriend in the sense most people knew, they were mostly friendships with casual sex, similar to what he'd had with Gabrielle, only he'd never thought of it as friends-with-benefits. The first woman he'd really given a crap about, other than Tanya, had been Terri, and she had made it clear it wasn't a 'relationship'. The truth was, they were much closer now as long-distance friends then they had been as lovers. And then there had been Deanna, who he'd really cared about but the hadn't been together long enough to date – she hadn't wanted to be seen in public with him, said she wasn't ready to be outed yet, but Jack had long since realised that their relationship had more currency when people didn't realise he was championing her because he was sleeping with her, not because he genuinely believed in her innocence.

And then there was Gabrielle. Wonderful, loyal Gabrielle who frequently knew him better then he knew himself, who hadn't been able to give him the child he desperately wanted. How he missed her. Once upon a time, he had wanted to be alone. Now he wanted company. He wanted someone's hand to hold walking through the markets of Istanbul. He wanted someone's fear of heights to soothe at the top of the Eiffel Tower. He wanted someone to have on the other side of the table in some charming little cafe in Vienna.

Once he had wanted solitude. Now he craved company. And the only company he really wanted was someone who could never make him truly happy. So he 'settled' for transient lays, another girl in another city. At best he could see himself being friends with them. There was no-one he cared enough to date.

And that was another thing. He'd never thought about dating before, at least not the way he thought about it now. He realised what he and Gabrielle had once done, all those nights out together, the dinners and movies and plays, that was closer to dating then when he had actually taken women out. He felt awful now that that had stopped after they'd started sleeping together. Not that it really made a difference, it wouldn't have made her fertile, but he felt awful that their relationship had been reduced to just sex. She'd been his best friend and he'd treated her like – he remembered a comment she had made, that given they were barely even friends anymore he may as well be paying her. He'd treated her like a prostitute.

He got out of bed, feeling even more restless then usual. He switched on his laptop and tooled around on the internet for a few minutes before checking him email. Not that there was much point, he had deleted most of his contacts so his account would send emails from his friends and colleagues – even Rebecca – would be sent to his junk mail. He felt bad about that but he didn't want to be contacted. He knew it was running away, not wanting to face up to the tragedy he had left behind, but he couldn't bear to deal with it.

There was one new email. He recognised the address immediately and smiling, opened it. _Jack_, was the first word, and he frowned, trying to work out what he'd done wrong that he'd lost the title _Daddyjack_. That's what she always called him, Daddyjack, one word. It amused him that she referred to Terri as 'mum' and him as 'Daddyjack' even though Mitch had died when she was two and a half and Rose when she was three and a half so she had a stronger memory of her mum then her dad. But it still greatly pleased him that she loved him that much, even on the other side of the world (actually, wasn't even on the other side of the UK now, but she didn't know that) to bestow him the honorary title. And now she had withdrawn it.

_Jack,_

_Hate you! Hate you!_

Jesus Christ, what the hell had he done? He searched his mind, trying to thin k of something he had missed in the three months he had been travelling through Europe. Something important enough that he'd gone from honorary father to hatred. Absently, he glanced out at the snow falling lightly outside. He couldn't get used to the idea that it was just a few weeks into the new year and it was snowing. It should be hot. He kept thinking it was the middle of the year – not that it snowed in winter in Sydney but cold weather was more appropriate for June then January – not that Christmas had just passed – _shit_, _that's_ what she was so angry about. He would have remembered it was her birthday if he hadn't found the whole snow-at-Christmas thing so disorienting. _Shit shit shit_. He always remembered her birthday, Christmas – oh, crap, he'd forgotten Christmas, too – Easter, even her Saints day despite the fact he thought religion, and Catholicism in particular, a croc of shit. He spoke to her at least once a month and sent her gifts for every important occasion.

And now he'd managed to forget both her birthday and Christmas. Mitch himself couldn't have felt lousier then Jack did right now.

_You said you'd always be there for me but you're just like everyone else who left me_.

Oh, that hurt. He was devoted to the girl. It had been one slip-up and to be dumped into the people who should have lived longer then they did – she had obviously been upset when she'd written the email, but that didn't stop Jack from feeling awful.

It was like a light had been flicked on in his soul. He had been screwing around, picking up women at random to make himself feel good for a few hours and he'd been so absorbed in his own pleasure that he'd completely forgotten about Lucy's birthday. All of a sudden he thought about her and the last time he'd held her, shortly before she and Terri had left the country. She'd been four and a half at the time and she'd now be eight – he had photos, of course, but he wondered how big she was and if her little legs were long enough to go all the way around his waist when he picked her up. All of a sudden he missed her deeply. He missed making her laugh and the way she used to look up at him like he was God – which, to a four-year-old, the only father figure she had ever known pretty much made him God.

He thought of the little gifts he'd been picking up, gifts that were perfect for a child her age – a Babushka doll in St. Petersburg, real Turkish delight in Istanbul, a gorgeous stuffed bear in German costume in the Rhine Valley – a stein that the region was so famous for wasn't really appropriate – a beautifully illustrated copy of _A Little Princess_ here in London – were things he had been subconsciously picking out for her. He wondered if he'd subconsciously been moving east to west because in the western corner of Europe was Lucy – and Terri.

_Terri_. He wondered what it would feel like, seeing her again. He wasn't in love with her but he wondered if he would still be attracted to her – and her to him.

He checked his watch. It was far too early to call Edinburg but now the idea was in his head, he was completely rejuvenated. He called at seven in the morning and as luck would have it, Terri answered. "It's Jack," he said.

"Jack!" Lucy was still asleep, which was a good thing, because Terri didn't know how she would take his call. "Lucy is so upset. I can't believe you forgot both her birthday and Christmas. She was devastated." She hadn't meant to chide him so harshly, it wasn't like Jack had any legal or ethical responsibility to Lucy, but Goddamnit, he was the closest thing to a father she had ever had and he had up until now been unfailing in sending her presents, calling her on special occasions and showing an interest in everything she did. They were so close, she often called him when she got a glowing school report or came back from a vacation to tell him all about it. If he wasn't able to maintain that devotion, he should never have gotten as involved as he had.

"I know, I'm so sorry. I've gone through a lot lately. One of our nurses was brutally murdered a few months ago – she was Dan's wife and the last time I saw him, it was like the light had gone from him." He found himself babbling about Timothy and the deterioration of his relationship with Gabrielle and he realised just how unhappy he had been.

Terri listened sympathetically. She had always known Jack bottled things up and became withdrawn and uncommunicable. He had more demons then her father and without her father's faith, no matter how misguided it had been. But she couldn't just forget that Lucy had cried for a week when Jack had failed to call or send her anything on her birthday, and cried for another week when he did the same thing for Christmas. "Jack, you broke her heart," she chided him again, and Jack felt insanely guilty.

"Let me make it up to you both," he pleaded.

"Don't think that'll be easy, you're on the other side of the world. Speaking of which – did Telstra upgrade its services or something, you sound crystal clear."

Jack laughed. In his babblings, he'd completely forgotten to tell her about his travels. "No, I'm actually in London right now."

"London! When did that happen?"

"About three months ago. Well actually London specifically only happened last week – I've been all around Europe, basically moving west from Russia."

"You got any set plans?" Terri asked, already clearing out one of the spare bedrooms in her mind.

"Nope, I go wherever takes my fancy, wherever people recommend."

"I can recommend a few places in Edinburg," she said with surprising shyness. It had been ages since she had last seen him and she wondered if he was still deceptively muscular body. She blushed, wondering where _that_ thought had come from. But there was no denying Jack was a sexy man.

"Know anywhere good to stay?" he asked teasingly, because he knew what she was leading up to.

"I have a spare room which isn't being used, apart from housing my junk. What's so funny?" she asked when Jack laughed.

"Nothing. Just thinking of Gabby. She used both spare rooms in her house for junk. I was quite impressed that you could live in a place for less then two years and accumulate so much crap."

"Jack, promise me something."

"What?"

"You won't talk about Gabrielle around Lucy. She, uh, has a jealous streak."

"What kind of jealous streak?"

"Elaborate sabotage against every single man I've dated in the last three years. She only wants her Daddyjack."

"I'm flattered," he said. Which explained why she was so upset about him missing her birthday and Christmas. She only wanted him.

"And the worst thing is, Ellen – Mitch's mother – thinks it's hilarious. She'll want to meet you, she's intrigued by someone who can inspire that kind of loyalty from the other side of the world for four years."

"What did you say to that?"

"That it's not hard to replace a dead man she barely knew when there isn't a hell of a lot of competition for a widow and single mother."

"I'm poking my tongue out at you right now," he teased. "If I inspire that kind of loyalty, it's because I adore her."

"I know. When can you get here?"

"Tomorrow, maybe the day after." He hadn't given it much thought, only that he wanted to go to Scotland. "I'll get a train ticket and let you know."

"Lucy, why don't you get that?" Terri suggested when the doorbell rang just as they were sitting down to dinner two days later. "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."

Lucy glowered. She had been in a foul mood ever since Jack had failed to call on Christmas. "Why? Is it one of your _boyfriend_s?" She spoke the word with much more contempt then most eight-year-olds can muster.

"Just get the door," she said, thinking maybe she had spoilt Lucy too much when it came to who she dated. Initially she had thought her adoration of Jack was cute but when Lucy saw that as carte blanche to ridicule every man she dated, it was too much. Maybe inviting Jack to stay had been a bad idea, it would only encourage Lucy to act up more.

Scowling, Lucy got out of her chair and went to open the door. She squealed with delight when she saw who it was. "Daddyjack!" she yelled, all intentions of hating him forever completely forgotten. She held up her arms in a motion of _pick-me-up_ and Jack easily lifted her onto his hip. Her little legs easily fit around his waist, and she wriggled her toes in delight because the last time he'd lifted her she hadn't been able to make it. She wrapped his arms around his neck and buried her face against it. "I never thought I'd see you again."

He kissed her cheek. "Well, here I am."

She hugged him tighter. "Never letting you go. How long are you staying?"

"As long as you and your mum want me."

"I want you forever!"

Terri stepped forward at that point, as anxious as Jack was to avoid Lucy's questions. "Jack, you're welcome as long as you want to stay, but Lucy, I think you should let Jack bring his things into the house. He must have a backpack as heavy as you."

Grudgingly, Lucy got off Jack and let him bring his bags in. She settled herself on his lap as soon as he was done unzipping his bag and getting his beloved silk pyjamas out. He showered her with attention through dinner – not that it was hard, given she was on his lap – until it was time for her to have a bath, and afterwards, she lay in his lap as he combed out her hair and then read from _A Little Princess._ She fell asleep in his arms before he got halfway through the book and he tucked her German teddy bear in her arms and left her to sleep.

Terri had already prepared tea for them. They sat on the couch and spoke for a while about his travels, comparing places they'd been, before she said, "Look, I can' tell you've got something on your mind, so why don't you spit it out?"

Jack looked sheepish. "Look there's something you need to know if I'm going to be living here and taking care of Lucy but it's not easy for me to talk about. I was, uh, sexually abused when I was a teenager."

"Oh," Terri said with surprising flatness. People usually responded with shock, horror and awkwardness.

"Oh?" he mimicked her. "I'm sorry, did you already _know_?"

"Not exactly. I had my suspicions. The way you are sexually – it's like you're trying to prove yourself. You hate Catholicism – I mean, I get that you don't believe in any religion but you particularly hate Catholicism and I know you went to a high school run by the Christian Brothers so..."

Jack laughed ruefully. He hadn't realised Terri had picked that much up about him. "I hate Catholicism because of my stepmum's interpretation of it, St. Stephen's just made me more cynical. No, it was someone else – this guy who lived in my neighbourhood. He was like a dad to me, better then my real dad and I idolised him... until the day he raped me and told my stepmum I had stolen from him so Stella kept making me go back. It went on for two years before he decided to move onto someone younger and less used, I guess. And you're right about wanting to prove myself. It took me a long time to accept that I hadn't asked for it or led him on in any way, that I wasn't gay, it was just something he said to make me question myself. I think that was the big appeal of Charlotte, the challenge of turning her." He looked thoughtful for a second. "Maybe that was the big appeal with you."

"You certainly convinced yourself you were in love with me," she mused.

"I think I was but a huge part of the initial attraction was pursuing someone who wouldn't normally date me. Backfired terribly. It took me ages to let Gabrielle in because I was so paranoid she still had feelings for Steve."

Terri reached over to touch his cheek gently. "I'm sorry I put you through that."

"It's OK. I knew what I was getting into, I just thought if I were a terrific enough boyfriend and lay I could make you change your mind." He raked his hand through his hair in that way he did when he was lost in a troubled thought. "I've made so many mistakes with sex and relationships and the sad thing is, I know I'm one of the luckier of Patrick's victims. At least one guy killed himself and another couldn't stand being touched, he never had a relationship with someone. And I'm sure there's at least one guy running around doing the same thing he did." If Patrick had been abusing boys since, say, his twenties, then statistically one of his victims would have grown up to be an abuser himself. "Which brings me to the reason I brought it up."

"You think I don't trust you around Lucy?" Terri asked. Jack nodded slightly. "Of course I do. I saw the way you were with her – you're like a dad to her."

"Patrick was like a dad to me."

"You're not Patrick, Jack. Look, would it make you feel better if I told Lucy to tell me if she ever feels you're being inappropriate with her?" Not that Terri thought Jack was capable of it, but she appreciated the concern and if it made him feel better to know that she would never allow him or anyone to hurt Lucy the way he had been hurt.

Jack nodded. "A little. I know I'm being silly, but..."

"I understand your concerns and I think it says a lot about your integrity that you're so aware of what you're predisposed to." She changed the subject. "Listen, there's a daddy-daughter day at the church next Sunday. I know you're not big on the religious thing, but – "

"I'd love to take her," he said.

"And one other thing – what are your language skills like? Apart from the Russian, I mean."

"I'm fluent in French and German, can get by in Spanish and Italian and know a few phrases in Polish and Czech. Why?"

It floored Terri that he had such a gift for picking up languages. But then, he wouldn't consider watching a movie unless it came with subtitles. "Do you have working visa?"

"Of course. What's this about?"

"A friend of mine through church runs an ESL school. A lot of people come on working holidays from within the EU 'cos the pound is stronger then other currencies or to study English. She's always looking for people with good language skills except people with your talent tend to go into diplomatic services, not teaching. I'm sure few words and the job's yours."

"Are you serious?" ESL may be a significant step down from diplomatic services – or medicine, for that matter – but it was a vast improvement on the minimum-wage jobs he usually took. It would be a nine-to-five, Monday-Friday-type job, which meant he'd have his afternoons, evenings and weekends free for Lucy. "Terri, that sounds perfect."

"Great. I'll talk to Marie tomorrow."

Impulsively, Jack leaned over to kiss Terri's forehead. Coming here was the exact right thing to do.

* * *

"I've finished those rosters for you and I brought you hot chocolate and a sandwich," Rachel said, balancing the three items as she entered Gabrielle's office.

"Thanks," she said gratefully, not wanting to hurt Rachel's feelings by telling her she had grown up on farm-fresh food, hospital sandwiches were beneath her. And besides, Rachel had proved to be a gift from God in the past three months. With Dan and Erica gone, a sombreness had settled over the ED. Claire was a good nurse but not one to pick up extra slack, and Amy could be incredibly irritating at times. Gabrielle had to admit she found the girl vacuous and highly unprofessional, more interested in flirting with Adam and cute patients then she was doing her job. But Rachel, Rachel had stepped in and been eager to learn the admin side of being NUM so it was something she could put on her CV. As irresponsible as she was, Amy thought she was going to get the replacement position when Gabrielle went on maternity leave, but Gabrielle had already earmarked the position for Rachel.

She flipped through the rosters. "You're so much better at this then I am," she admitted.

Rachel shrugged. "I'm just good at working out what people like what shifts – there's plenty of people who'd rather work for Adam and nightshift rates then Frank during the day."

Gabrielle smiled ruefully. "Jack had the same knack with people – or _has_, rather. I never realised how good he was with my rosters until he left and I had to do them myself again."

"Could be worse. I think Charlotte lost more than you did. I'm sorry, I meant professionally. Of course you lost more."

Gabrielle smiled understandingly. As well as having a knack for the admin side of the job and being an angel when it came to picking up the last of Gabrielle's shift when she was too tired, she was also very sensitive to her loss. "It's fine, I got what you meant." Professionally, Gabrielle had lost a roster-organiser; Charlotte had lost a doctor, her unofficial 2IC _and _her baby-sitter that allowed her to do her job so much better.

"You've never heard from him?"

Gabrielle shook her head. "I even got desperate enough to call Rebecca and Dan, see if they'd gotten a hold of him. Knowing Jack, he's deleted all his contacts so anything I send him goes to junk mail. When Jack doesn't want to be found, he doesn't want to be found."

"You didn't think of calling Tanya?"

"Yeah, I did, but it comes down to pride, I guess. I don't want him coming back just for the baby."

"Gabby, he has a responsibility to the child, if only financially. I know how much money you make, it's not much more than me." First-level management positions rarely paid much more then the grunts at the bottom of the ladder; if it wasn't for the better money that came higher up on the food chain, no-one would ever take that step into first-level management.

"Rachel, I don't want to talk about this." She wasn't going to say that she was seriously thinking about moving back to her family's farm in southern Queensland. She didn't want to have to go home in disgrace, not to a family that was almost as Catholic as Jack's, just not as hypocritical. But Rachel was right on one count. She couldn't support a child on her own. And she wasn't accepting Steve or Charlotte's charity. Steve had offered to move back in and take on responsibility for her child – a strictly platonic arrangement, he'd assured her, he wasn't looking to use her child as a wedge back into her bed. And Charlotte had suggested Gabrielle move in with _her_ and rent out her own house. Without having to pay rent or a mortgage, she'd be able to get by OK on a single parent's allowance until her baby was old enough to go to daycare, and Charlotte got an at-home nanny. But Gabrielle had recognised the generous offer as charity, no matter what Charlotte got out of it. And she wasn't taking charity. Well, apart from her family, they _had_ to support her.

Subconsciously, she pressed her hand against her stomach. She was four months gone and barely showed. But she knew it wouldn't be much longer before Frank put her permanently on triage and admin duties; she couldn't argue with the fact patients wouldn't be comfortable with being nursed by someone who was obviously pregnant. Rachel had a point that Jack had, at the very least, a financial responsibility to his child. But pride always stopped her from calling Tanya, who was the most likely to know his whereabouts. And she _knew_ she was being stubborn and proud, _knew_ she was sacrificing her child's material comfort rather than have Jack come back just because of their baby... but pride always stopped her.

"Sorry," Rachel said contritely, apologising for so many different things.

* * *

"_Higher_ Daddyjack, _higher_!" Lucy screamed with delight as Jack swung her as he could on the swing set in the park a short walk from Terri's house.

"You can't go any higher!" he yelled. Lucy had a child's completely absence of fear when it came to heights. Jack had thought about taking her on a hot air balloon flight for a belated Christmas-birthday present but Edinburg alternated between foot-deep in snow and dreary with rain, which didn't exactly give good views.

It had been three months since he had come to stay with Terri and Lucy, and he hadn't been this happy in ages. He thoroughly enjoyed his work at the ESL school. He never would have thought he'd enjoy teaching, but he did, especially when the children who just gravitated towards him reached a milestone.

_The children_. He had slowly come to accept that he simply had a knack with them, it had nothing to do with any predisposition. It did his heart good to see them flourish under his guidance, to give them the support he had been denied as a child. He thought more and more about staying here, becoming a resident, settling down.

He wasn't sure exactly where he stood with Terri. They had settled easily into a close friendship but he hadn't tried to come onto her and she hadn't hinted at anything more. And he didn't feel particularly obliged to push for something more like he would have done in the past.

After Lucy had gotten tired of swinging, they made snow-men in the last of the winter snow. Jack made his as ineptly as he could because it made Lucy laugh at his complete ineptitude and feel big in trying to help him. Eventually, she got too cold – by that point, Jack was absolutely freezing, Lucy had a lot higher tolerance to this weather then he did, but he never had the heart or humility to admit he couldn't hack it – and wanted to go home. He picked her up as easily as if she were a doll. "Daddyjack, will you always be able to lift me?" she asked a little sleepily.

"Course. I can still lift your mum, can't I?" Not that there was much of Terri to lift. Had she always been that tiny? He'd gotten so used to Gabrielle being tall for a woman and not exactly a waif that Terri seemed a lot smaller then she had four years ago.

Lucy nodded, satisfied with his answer. "You know she's not my real mum," she said suddenly. It wasn't something they ever talked about. "Like you're not my real dad."

Jack sensed this was going somewhere, so he tread carefully. "Yeah, I know," he said cautiously. "But we both love you as much as your real parents did."

"Did you know my real parents?"

"No." Which wasn't strictly true. He had been an intern when Mitch Stevens, a well-known renegade, had died of a brain tumour, and when his ex-wife Rose had died just a few months later, a jealous lover having drowned her in the backyard pool. But those were details that Terri had a right to tell her, if at all. Besides, he hadn't known Mitch or Rose _personally_, so he wasn't really lying. "But your mum – Terri, I mean – knows they loved you very much."

"Daddyjack, how come you and mum broke up?" she asked, and Jack cringed inwardly. He should have known this was coming.

Again, he felt that was Terri's story to tell, but he gave her the very bridged truth. "I did something pretty bad and it really hurt her."

"Were you sorry?"

Thankgod, she wasn't going to ask him what he'd done. He was pretty sure Terri would throw him out if he gave Lucy a crash-course in sex education and infidelity. "Yeah, and I think she knows it – just by the time she could move past it so we could be friends, she had already come here."

This answer seemed to satisfy her, and Jack hoped they could get home before she thought to ask anything else about his relationship with Terri – he wondered now if her bringing up the fact that Terri wasn't actually her mother was just a pretext for asking about their relationship. And of course, he was out of luck. "Do you think you'll ever get back together?"

Nothing like an inquisitive child to put you on the spot. "I don't know," he said. "I'd have to talk to your mum."

"When?"

"When, what?"

"When will you talk to mum?"

"Um... soon." If nothing else, he had to admit to Terri he'd allowed Lucy to catch him in a compromising conversation so they could deal with whatever hopes she had together.

When they got home, Terri had dinner ready. In the last three months, he had become well and truly used to having elaborate, home-cooked meals and the memory of having to make what he could using a hostel kitchen were long gone. He put Lucy down and instructed her to go get changed for dinner. Once Lucy had run off to her room, he kissed Terri on the cheek and said, "After Lucy goes to bed, we have to talk."

"About what?"

"I may have been lead into saying things that gave her hope."

Terri laughed. "Sounds like Lucy, she never let go of the hope we would end up together. She's very clever at making you say things she wants to hear – and making potential boyfriends feel like they'll never measure up."

They sat down after dinner and after Lucy had been put to bed. "Poor girl, I think if she remembered Mitch or Rose she wouldn't be investing so much in her relationship with me."

"At least she _has_ you, Jack, that means a lot. Look, I'm not sure how to broach this, but – have you ever thought about us – I mean, about giving it another shot?"

"You're serious?" he asked. "Why now? Is it just because of Lucy?"

"Well, that's a big part, yeah. Plus... I am really fond of you, Jack. And we had something pretty special once, just neither of us really appreciated it." She looked away for a moment, lost in thought. "I was wrong, treating you the way I did. I wasn't over Mitch and I knew you were in love with me but I thought so long as I told you it was just casual, that absolved me of responsibility for your feelings."

"Terri, you were honest with me and I was too full of myself not to take you seriously – I thought I could love you enough to make you forget... but it wasn't love, it was... ego, I guess. And if it's worth anything, I'm sorry about Charlotte. I was sorry the second I woke up. And it wasn't just the fear of being caught out – I felt awful that I'd said all those things and I did actually mean them but give me enough alcohol and feeling sorry for myself and there aren't many worse ways to betray a woman you love."

"Oh, Jack." She stroked his face. She had never realised until now just how sorry he was, how sorry he had always been. "I couldn't stand that you'd gone off with her after saying all the things you did... Mitch did the same with Rose and... I guess I just didn't want to go there again."

"And you didn't love me the way you loved him. In fact, I'd hazard a guess and say you didn't love me at all."

"That's not true. I mean, yes, I didn't love you as much as I loved Mitch... but I did love you... or rather, I've grown to love you," she had to correct herself. She leaned in to kiss him. She'd forgotten how tall he was. Or rather, she hadn't realised how tall he was – he'd always tried to accommodate the height difference between them, but he'd gotten used to sharing his life and his bed to someone who could break six feet in heels. She pressed her mouth against his, ran her tongue across them and then into his mouth. She willed him to respond, and after what felt like forever, he did, wrapping his arms around her and pushing her onto her back. He kissed her deeply and ran his hands down the sides of her body...

Terri wedged her hands, palms-up, against his chest and gently pushed him off her. "Am I too heavy?" he asked. "Moving too fast?"

"No. Just... get up." She felt surprisingly empty. Jack had always been such a great kisser, but now it felt... so technical. Like his heart wasn't in it, like he was going through the motions when once he had been so passionate, so hungry for her and her alone. How could things have changed so much? And why did this feeling remind her of something someone had said a long time ago?

Oh, yeah, That was it. _I feel like there's nothing I can do to make you stop thinking of him. I feel like the second it's over you're lying in my arms and wishing you were lying in _his_. _Jack had said that to her years ago. Several times. She had brushed him off, telling him he was being juvenile and insecure if he thought he couldn't compete with a dead man for her affections.

And she suddenly realised he had been right, not her. Or at least, he'd been on the right track. Because now she felt exactly what it felt like to kiss someone who's heart belonged to someone else. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, feeling a little bit dirty that Jack's mind had been elsewhere and wondering if she had made him feel dirty like that. "Was it _that_ bad?" he asked, a little disturbed that she had found it so unpleasant she couldn't restrain herself from wiping her mouth the second it was over.

"No. It's just... d'you remember telling me sometimes it felt like I was thinking about being with Mitch when I was with you?"

"Yeah." Even though he was long over the feeling, how could you forget an experience like that?

"I dismissed it because it sounded ridiculous – and I'm sorry I dismissed it because you were doing it just then."

"I was not!"

"Yeah, you were. It's Gabrielle, isn't it?" Jack turned his head abruptly, and Terri knew she was right on the money. "You love her, Jack. You can try to deny it, you can try to be with someone else – but it will always come back to her. Believe me, I know, and in some ways I had it easier then you because I knew Mitch was dead and I would never have that again. How happy do you think you will ever be with someone knowing she's out there and alive?"

"It's not that easy, Terri."

"What, because she can't have children? Get over it and go home."

"I don't know where home is," he admitted, and her heart went out to him. He'd never had anyone care about him growing up and because of that, he had very little in the way of ties holding him anywhere. That gave him a certain amount of freedom, but it also meant he was often cast adrift, wandering around with nowhere to go and no-one to go _to_.

"Jack, did you know how expressive your eyes area?" Like a lot of fair people, his eyes were best described as aqua-grey because they shifted between three colours depending on the light and his mood. "When you're eyes are irritated, like when you've been crying, it brings out the green and when you've been out with Lucy and you come home cold and refreshed the blue-grey comes out and when you're talking about something that makes you really happy, the grey comes out. There's only two things in the last three months that you've talked about that makes the grey come out, medicine and Gabrielle. You'd be happy anywhere so long as you had those two. Home could be some remote town in Queensland working for the Flying Doctors and you had her to come home to. So Jack, just... go home. You'll never be happier anywhere else – or with anyone else."

For a full minute, he was stunned by her insight. "I can't leave Lucy."

"Sure you can. I'm not taking her away from you, Jack – and you're not leaving her. You never left her, you just... lived on the other side of the world. She's eight, she'll get over it. You won't if you don't do this. So for the last time, _go home_ before I have to throw you out and use all my contacts to have you thrown out of the country."

* * *

Gabrielle arched her back, trying to relieve the ache that plagued her whole body, but her back in particular. She wondered how pregnant woman could wear high heels. Everything hurt – her back, her ankles, her shoulders, her heart.

She was glad it was the end of her shift, and that it was just another month to go before she could take leave. The arrangements had been made, Rachel had been named replacement NUM in Gabrielle's absence – which everyone knew would be permanent. Gabrielle wasn't coming back. She was going back to her family home in Queensland, where she might face the ridicule of being a single, unmarried mother, but it was better than living off someone else's charity.

She gave a weak smile to Frank as she left for the day. She had long since been relegated to triage and admin duties, and secretly, she was grateful. She didn't have the energy to do anything more tasking – and she couldn't stand being on her feet for the long shifts that were required of nurses.

"Poor girl," Frank said sympathetically as Gabrielle left. Everyone knew how tired and unhappy she had been during her pregnancy – since Jack had left. Everyone was aware of how badly she looked – she wasn't sick, but she had no interest in taking care of her hair or skin, both of which looked pale and greasy. She had simply stopped caring. It was a good thing she was on triage-and-admin duties, because she didn't exactly inspire confidence in patients. Unknown to Gabrielle, he'd made the decision to contact Tanya himself, but wherever Jack was, he hadn't even told her.

"Sonofabitch should be shot," Steve declared. He and Jack had never hit it off and now he was holding the younger man personally responsible for Gabrielle's heartache.

"He'd come back if he knew," Frank chided him. "Not even Professor Gregova knows where he is. I even told her about the pregnancy. If anyone knew how to locate him, it's her. If she can't, it means he doesn't want to be found."

"He shouldn't have run away. He shouldn't have walked out on her."

"The boy has a lot of demons – more, even, then you, and you brought your demons upon yourself," Frank said, a little more gruffly. It had been seven months since Erica's murder and the sadness that had descended like a cloud on the ED hadn't yet evaporated, and probably wouldn't until everyone who had been on the ward at the time – including himself, Adam and Claire, even Amy, who had returned _after_ the news – had moved on. And no-one left on the ward was taking it harder then Gabrielle. Erica had been a close friend of hers and Jack had been – Frank had only found out several months after the fact that their relationship had been a casual sex one, not a formal romance. Bloody Quade. If he'd known that, he would have done something about it, if only to guilt Jack into doing the right thing.

He'd been so lost in his anger about what had happened to his staff the last nine months that he accidentally snapped the pencil he'd been holding. It wasn't fair. These were all good people who didn't deserve what was happening to them.

* * *

Gabrielle struggled with her groceries. She knew she should make two trips but she didn't feel like coming out again, not when the weather was so miserable. It seemed like they were in for an early winter – just what she needed on top of everything else, something else to be miserable over.

She missed Jack. She missed Erica. She missed feeling good about her job and her life.

"Damn!" she yelled when one bag slipped from her grasp. And it was the bag with the jars, so naturally they broke. She dropped to her knees and started frantically picking up the broken pieces of glass. It didn't take long for one of the pieces to cut into her thumb, and she yelled, "Shit!" more out of frustration then pain. She started to cry.

"Let me help me with that. Actually, let me just do it for you." OK, now she was hallucinating because she could have sworn that was Jack's voice. Her back was towards him and she felt his hands on her back, moving around her and any moment now – "Jesus Christ," he whispered. "OK, go inside and for God's sake, sit down." He twisted her around so she was facing him. She looked pale, sickly pale, the only colour in her face the shadows under her eyes. Her hair looked like it hadn't been washed in weeks. "Not sleeping well?" he asked with unnerving sympathy. She hadn't seen him for seven months, and that was all he had to say?

"You try sleeping with someone trying to prove she has more energy than her dad," she snapped.

He smirked. God, this was so surreal, but he didn't know what else he was supposed to do or say. "And with her dad nowhere to be found?" he offered. She nodded slightly. He kissed her forehead gently. "Go inside. I'll take care of this."

His voice was so gentle, so caring, and it felt good to have someone who cared that she just about melted. "OK," she agreed weakly. She went into the house and sat down, waiting for Jack.

Jack entered a minute later, put her groceries away – and the pieces of broken glass in the bin. Next, he got Gabrielle's first-aid kit out from under the kitchen sink – like many medical staff, she kept a fairly elaborate and up-to-date first aid kit in her house. He kneeled on the floor beside her and pulled at the hand of her wounded thumb. She winced in pain when he applied pressure to the wound, forcing it open. It was clean. He swabbed it anyway and wrapped it up. "Try not to handle broken glass," he said dryly. "You never know what you might pick up."

She was so disappointed in his casual manner that she wanted to cry. He was treating her like he would treat a child patient, someone to be petted and gently coaxed into doing the right thing. "Fine," she snapped. "You can go now."

He looked at her quizzically. "Sorry, have I done something?"

"What, you mean apart from walking out on me?" she snapped. Jack blanched, and she was momentarily glad she had made him feel bad. "Or the fact you're looking at me like I was a child when you used to not be able to keep your hands off me. What, I'm not sexy now that I'm pregnant."

"No, you're not sexy because you look like you're about to keel over. Have you been taking care of yourself?" His voice softened considerably.

"Yes, I'm taking care of your baby, Jack," she said, her voice full of hostility.

"That's not what I'm talking about. Gabby, you look awful. When was the last time you got a proper night's sleep? Or washed your hair for that matter?"

Every second of emptiness, loneliness and resentment that had filled her the last seven months came bubbling to the surface. "You have no right to lecture me about _anything!_" she yelled. "You abandoned me and you only came back for your precious baby!" If she'd been thinking clearly, she would have remembered he had been surprised to learn of her pregnancy; he had come back for a reason other than that. Had he come back for _her_?

"I had no idea you were pregnant," he said indignantly. Struggling not to react to her sore nerves, he softened his tone again. "Am I going to go to my junk mail and find a whole lot of unanswered emails from you?"

"Damn straight you are, 'cos you _ran away_. I thought you were strong and brave but you're just a _cowardly little shit_." There. It felt good to lash out at him, even though it was sinking in that he had come back for her.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I was confused. I thought what I wanted to have kids but there was nothing I could do to forget you."

"What, and after six months you realise this?" Gabrielle snapped.

"No."

"Then what?" He was starting to squirm, which meant he'd been hoping to avoid a particular detail. What, He thought she didn't know him that well by now? She started to feel angry towards him. He had abandoned her and thought he could just waltz back into her life without even telling her the truth about where he'd been and how he'd come to realise he wanted to be with her. "Then _what_, Jack? Who or what the hell was it that made you realise you'd rather be home?"

"OK, fine, I was with Terri, does that make you feel better?" He saw the way Gabrielle went pale as if he'd hit her, and guilt flooded him. "I'm sorry. I wish I'd been able to realise it for myself, I really do. I thought maybe I'd be happy with her and Lucy and I was, a little... but not the way I'm happy with you. She made me realise that as much as I wanted kids, I needed you more." He wanted desperately to place his hand on her swollen stomach but didn't dare, not while she was so angry with her. After all, it was still her body.

Gabrielle wanted to believe what Jack was saying, she really did, but for it to have been Terri, of all people – Terri, who Jack had struggled for months, maybe even years to get over, Terri, who Jack had compared her to when it came to loving another man more then she would ever love him. "Did you fuck her?" she asked bluntly.

"_What_?" he had never heard Gabrielle speak so crassly.

"You heard me. Did you –"

"No!" It was bending the truth just the tiniest bit because he knew what Gabrielle was really asking was had there been any kind of sexual intimacy between them, and that included their brief kiss. But what would telling her achieve? He'd been unforgivably hard in comparing her to Terri and admitting that he'd kissed her would only bring her down. It had been just a kiss, a wake-up call, and it would achieve nothing but make her feel bad that she know. "No," he said again quietly. "Believe me, I really tried to generate something with her – I love Lucy and I'd do anything for her, as pathetic as it sounds. And I think maybe if I didn't need you as much as I do, I could have convinced myself... but I couldn't. Please don't hate me. I don't know what I'd do if you hated me."

She found herself stroking his face. Jack had never been able to be anything but open to her. She honestly believed him (even if he had bent the truth a little for her own peace of mind) and more then that, for Jack to leave Terri of his own free will, leave the little girl he loved as much as if she were his own, to come back to her thinking she could never give him the children he wanted and deciding he needed her too much despite that. That only made their daughter an even greater daughter. "I could never hate you," she said. She took his hands in hers – despite his size, there was a fragility to him that few people ever got to see, the same fragility he had displayed the night he had broken down and told her about his abuse, the same fragility he was showing now, terrified he might lose her.

And he had come back for her – and only her. Not only that, but he had come back thinking if he chose her, he would never have the children he wanted so much. And he had chosen her anyway.

"I don't hate you, Jack. I could never hate you." She dragged his hands down to her swollen belly. "Sometimes I tried to, but – I know what drives you, Jack. I know how scared you are sometimes, how afraid... and I know how strong you've had to be just to get this far." This was a complete contradiction of what she had said just a few minutes before, but now that she was calm, now that it had sunk in that Jack had come back for her – well, things were different now. "I love you. I couldn't stop loving you if I tried."

Jack lunged for her, enveloping her in a tight bear hug and burying his face in her neck, letting the tears flow freely. "I was so afraid I'd lost you," he said. And she found she was crying to, crying from spent anger and relief that Jack was back and he loved her and they would make the happiest family... Jack pulled away. "I got you something," he said., sniffling. "I had this big romantic thing worked out in my mind but it went a big haywire so... here." He reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out what could only be a ring box. Heart caught in her chest, Gabrielle opened it, already knowing what it meant. In his own way, Jack was too traditional to buy a ring for any other reason.

She grasped when she saw it. It was beautiful, but somehow not entirely to Jack's taste – and definitely not to his bank balance. She knew very little about jewellery but she did know what diamonds and emeralds looked like – as opposed to cubic zirconia and costume junk – and whoever had designed this ring had exquisite taste. "Jack..." she said, at a complete loss for words.

"It's eighteen-carat white gold, half a carat, vvs1 – that's one of the highest clarities available in diamonds – and the emeralds are vvs1 which is the highest clarity you can get without them being synthetic." Jack recited this as if he'd learned it by rote. Jack had, in his own way, exquisite taste in jewellery but his taste tended towards gorgeous costume pieces that he'd picked up with a particular person in mind. She wondered if he'd been totally fleeced by a high-end jeweller.

"Jack, I know how much you make. You can't afford this."

He looked sheepish. "It was Mary's," he admitted. "She left me everything she had because she didn't think it was right for her husband or son have them, not when – not when she considered me a better son then him." His voice choked for a second, remembering the woman who had been the first to care about him other then girlfriends. He missed her every day and when he'd realised he meant more to her then her own son that she wanted to leave him the impressive collection of jewellery her well-off but abusive husband had bestowed on her, hoping it would make any woman he married happier then she herself had been, Jack hadn't been able to keep from crying. _It's only jewellery, didn't make me happy_, had been Mary's offhand comment when Jack had been too speechless for words. Because it had been more then jewellery, it had been an acknowledgement of the relationships they had been missing in their lives – that they had found in each other. "If you don't like it, that's fine, but I won't cash it in or break it up."

She stroked his face gently. "I would never expect you to. Jack, it's beautiful. Are you _sure_ you want me to have this? I mean, I know how much she meant to you..."

"That's why I want you to have it. She wanted me to give it to someone who made me happy – and no-one makes me happy like you do. Will you marry me?"

"Oh, God, yes, Jack." Until now she hadn't realised how much she had wanted this moment – as much of a hash of things as Jack had made of them. But somehow, it meant more to her then any elaborate planning and flowery speech would have done. She held out her hand for Jack to slip the ring on. It was a perfect fit – a perfect sign.

"There's just, um, one condition," he admitted sheepishly, and Gabrielle looked at him warily. "I didn't know how you'd take to me being back and I didn't want to be around you if you didn't want me back so I accepted a position at Can-State. It's great, Gabby. It's basically Charlotte's position and they'll give me the next fellowship position that comes up and the guy who runs the ED is ancient, like ten years older than Frank, I could have the HoD position by the time I'm thirty-five."

His eyes were sparkling. Terri's insights about Gabrielle and medicine being the two things that truly made him happy had hit home, and he'd taken stock of his career. He knew he was damn good at what he did and Tanya had been pushing him for years to get out of All Saints, where it could be twenty or thirty years before Frank, let alone Charlotte resigned, and into a lucrative position at Can-State where the position could be his in ten. And as prestigious a hospital as All Saints was, it didn't quite compare with the country's leading hospital. He grabbed Gabrielle's hands, willing her to realise what a great opportunity this was for both of them. "Please say you'll come with me." What, after all, did she have holding her back, although of course he didn't dare say that to her. "I'll be making more money and I can afford to support you, if that's what you want – if you want to go back to work, I'll support that, too. And I was able to get a lease for this great two-bedroom apartment in the heart of the city – of course, at the time I thought it would just be the two of us but we can look for something bigger as soon as we get there."

His enthusiasm was catching. "A big house in the suburbs," she said. "With plenty of rooms." For all the children they would have, although that didn't need to be said. And what exactly _did_ she have holding her here? She had been planning to go back to Queensland and not come back, and Jack was offering her so much more then being the poor, unwed single mother of a relative – he was offering her love, a home, stability...

They embraced. Jack kissed her, trying to be gentle, but for all the women that had come since their last time together, he couldn't help himself, Jack wanted her desperately. He pushed her down on the couch and went as slowly and gently as he could manage. Gabrielle tried to encourage him, tried to touch him the way he liked, the way that always got him going, but he was determined to have the brakes on. "Jack, I'll tell you if you're being too rough. You know it's physically impossible to hurt the baby. Or have you lost your mojo and you're using this as an excuse?"

Jack nuzzled her neck and chuckled throatily. "You know I've never stopped being hot for you," he said. Even when there had been other women, he realised now, it had always been her. The smell of her skin, the feel of her hair – she could do with some pampering, and Jack had just the idea – the way she tasted when they kissed... he didn't protest when she ran her hands up and down his back.

"Take me to bed, Jack," she whispered. "Please."

Obligingly, he stood up and lifted her into his arms. "I'm heavy," she complained.

"You are not, you're beautiful." He said it in such a way that she almost believed him, even though she knew she looked tired and pale – paler then him, and he'd spent the last three months in Scotland. He carried her into her room as easily as he had carried her in the past, as easily as he had carried Lucy. He lay her down on the bed as gently as he could manage and straddled her awkwardly. Finally, he shifted around so he was spooning her. He ran his hands the length of her body, lingering on her stomach. "You're so sexy," he murmured, and she found herself believing him. He had a way of touching her, a way of seeing right through to her soul... she bunched against him when he moved his hands further down her body, under her pants. When he felt how tight a fit it was – he had to undo the button and zip just to get his fingers in - he made a mental note to get her properly fitted for a decent uniform. Or better yet, give up work.

She groaned when he slipped his fingers inside her. Seven months apart and she had never gotten used to him being gone. "Jack, please," was all she needed to say, and Jack started touching her the way she liked to be touch. It wasn't long before she was writhing and begging for him to make love to her the way he used to. Pulling down her pants and panties the whole way, he struggled with his own clothes until they were both naked. Christ, _this_ was how much she turned him on, he'd done all the work and he was still totally hot for her. He pushed her top leg in front of her to keep her stable and penetrated her. He groaned as he slid inside her and for a split second wondered how he could ever have enjoyed himself with anyone else. "I love you," he groaned as he started pumping her. "I love you, Oh, God, I love you _IloveyouIloveyou_."

"Love you too," she gasped as her screams reduced her vocabulary into incoherent babble. He braced her firmly, his hand hard against her stomach. He brought her to orgasm before he let himself go and realised he was so weak from the emotional intensity of the effort that he found he had to lie on his back before he collapsed. "Wow," he breathed.

She snuggled awkwardly against him. "That good, huh? The great Jack Quade can't take any more?"

He grinned at her, panting. "Don't tell anyone."

"I'm going to interpret that as there'll be no-one else you're interested in to tell."

Jack laughed. God, it felt good to have her in his arms again. He kissed her. "I missed you," he said.

"I missed you, too." Idly, he started stroking her hair, and she cringed. "I know," she said. "I just... haven't cared about my appearance in a while."

"I'm sorry, I guess that's my fault. But if you don't mind me saying, there's a really good spa treatment that's designed for expectant mothers. I found it for Charlotte and she said it was wonderful. I know nothing about women's spa treatments but I do know it did her the world of good. Why don't you take a few days off, my treat, get some rest and be pampered. Gabby, you know you'll always be sexy to me, but you shouldn't look as worn-out as you do. I want you to go treat yourself, God knows you deserve it."

When Jack spoke like that, so lovingly, so caring, how could she say no?

* * *

"What the hell got into Gabrielle?" Adam asked. He had never known Gabrielle at her most vivacious self but he had a hard time believing the glowing, healthy woman who had just strode into the ED as gracefully as you could when you were seven months pregnant was the same Gabrielle he had known for the last seven months. She looked like she had spent weeks, not just a few days, on her appearance, and it was more than that – no amount of skincare brought about that kind of glow.

"I have no idea," Rachel said, almost inserting the wrong medication in the drip, she was so distracted by Gabrielle's sudden and obvious change for the better – significantly so. The whole staff stopped what they were doing to stare at her. She looked stunning, she looked like a veritable advertisement for pregnancy. And did her clothes look like they fitted so much better then they had three days ago? Rachel bit her lip and started contemplating how to get close enough to overhear Gabrielle's conversation with Frank without being obvious.

"Frank, how much notice do I need to give for my resignation?" Gabrielle asked pleasantly, as casually as if they were discussing what horses to bet on for the Melbourne Cup and not the fact the ED's longest-running NUM to date was planning on leaving.

"I was under the impression that your maternity leave next month _was_ your resignation," Frank said.

"Yeah, I know, but I want to resign. ASAP. So how much notice do I need?"

"Uh... try two months. You know, the two months you put in for a month ago," Frank said, and Gabrielle's heart fell. She had known this would happen, had known she was stuck with her initial leaving date, minus any serious health threats to her or her baby, but she had hoped she could walk off into the sunset with Jack. He was leaving for Canberra in a matter of days and she wanted to go. Now that she had decided to leave, she realised that she had very little ties. People like Steve and Charlotte she would always be friends with but her life was with Jack and she wanted to begin that like as soon as she could. "What's wrong?" Frank asked. He eyed her suspiciously, only now realising she was glowing. Someone had taken the time to invest in some serious spa treatments for her. "Don't suppose Quade decided to show his face?"

Gabrielle blushed. "Was it that obvious?" she asked.

Frank shrugged. "Rumour has it Tanya Gregova hired someone very young for the ED's 2IC position. No names yet but I can take a stab in the dark. Has –" Frank's question was interrupted by Charlotte barrelling along the hall, squealing, noticing a detail that no-one else had.

"Jesus Christ, how in God's name can you manage to _lift_ that rock?" she squealed, grabbing Gabrielle's hand roughly and holding her hand up to the light. "Ohmigod, it's _gorgeous_. How in the world did Jack manage to afford it?"

"I'm sorry, you already knew?"

Charlotte grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, Professor Gregova sent me over a glowing review for me to sign on Frank's behalf. Apparently she didn't trust either of us to make Jack look good enough. Thought I'd keep it to myself rather then get your hopes up." She could see Jack's handiwork in two days Gabrielle had spent at that Godsend of a dayspa for pregnant women Jack had found for her (how Jack had found it, she wasn't sure; she had long come to accept that Jack had ways and means of finding out the most random of things).

Charlotte hadn't let go of Gabrielle's hand, admiring the way the diamond sparkled in the light. "It was Mary's," Gabrielle admitted. "He offered to get me something else, but I know how much she meant to him and... I kind of like the idea that _I_ mean that much to him."

Charlotte squealed with delight. She would have hugged Gabrielle and jumped up and down but since the younger woman wasn't really in the condition for it, she just jumped up and down herself. Charlotte's carryings-on were enough for the entire staff's curiosity to be piqued to the point of no longer even pretending to work and they all came over.

"I think," Frank said, as if he had given the matter a lot of thought, "you are about to develop a severe case of pre-eclampsia."

"She'll need lots of bed-rest," Charlotte said sombrely. "I mean, who knows what kind of lawsuit we might be up against if we made a hypertensive woman in her third trimester keep working."

"Especially when the father is all but running the Can-State ED. We all know how stuck up _that_ mob is, thinking they're better then us just because it's the capital," Frank added.

"OK, what the hell is going on?" Rachel finally blurted out. They had all been listening in on the conversation, trying to figure out where it was going, until Rachel couldn't take it any more and had to know. It was common knowledge that Gabrielle most likely would go back to her family farm in Queensland for the birth or her baby and stay there, so what was this about resigning and pre-eclampsia?

"Rachel, you just got promoted," Gabrielle said, her eyes sparkling almost as brightly as that massive rock on her finger. "I'm going to Canberra."

Rachel's brow furrowed. "Sorry, what's in Canberra?" It was even more further away then Sydney to Queensland, too far to easily make day trips, especially with an infant. He confusion was so great that she completely overlooked the detail that she was inheriting Gabrielle's job – not for maternity leave, but for keeps, at least for the time it took for Frank to fumble around with the paperwork until Rachel could prove that her age was no barrier to running the nursing staff effectively.

"Jack's new job. He'll basically have Charlotte's position, except he'll be doing his fellowship at the same time."

"When did he come back?"

"Three days ago?"

"And he – ?" Rachel started to asked if he had come back of his own accord and not because Gabrielle had gotten the news of her pregnancy to him, but the two women had become such good friends in the past year and a half that the words didn't need to be said. Gabrielle just smiled brightly, a smile of such happiness and love that it could only mean one thing. Jack had finally come to his senses – and a moment too soon. Rachel squeezed her friend's hand. "I'm glad things worked out for you," she said, and in the space of a moment and met her eyes, the two women recounted their shared history – their shared job, their shared man, their shared history.

Shortly after, Frank had gone through the motions of giving Gabrielle a check-up and 'discovering' the dangerous condition and ordered her on strict bed rest. If Oliver Marone ever discovered the deception he would be furious, but the time he did, Gabrielle would be long gone.

Gabrielle managed a quiet minute with Steve before she left, knowing it would be a while until they saw each other again. "You'll come to me if anything – and I mean _anything_ – goes wrong?" he pressed. "I never want you to feel like you don't have someone you can turn to." She smiled at him through tears – she was surprised at how sad she was to be leaving him. She didn't regret her choice but for the first time in as long as she could remember her head and heart were clear and she realised that she was lucky to have a friend in Steve. And that's all that would be between them because she and Jack had the kind of relationship that few people ever got and that few relationships ever compared to – one based on a close friendship.

With a strange sense of reluctance and nostalgia – she had seen so much pass through these doors, good and bad, her initial clashes with Frank and her staff, Bart's shooting, Steve's reappearance, being held hostage, her burgeoning friendship with Jack, Erica's murder, Dan's departure, that she wouldn't be human to not being a little sad to be walking away from it.

But that was her past and this was her future. And now was her time to walk off into the sunset with the love of her life.

So she did.


	13. Chapter 13

Canberra, like any city or town of a certain size, had it's Stroller Mafia, mostly women who could be seen between seven and ten pushing their babies along every path, walkway and park in the city. Jack often joined them, but this morning, he felt like solitude.

It had been two years since he and Gabrielle had moved to Canberra, which made Mary Rebecca Quade almost two. Everytime he looked at her his heart was so filled with joy he thought it would burst. She was perfect. Every little achievement made his day. His heart had soared the first time she'd smiled at him, and when she'd first been able to say 'dada' – at four months, something he'd bragged about endlessly – he'd been reduced to tears. She was a bright child for her age and it amused both Gabrielle and their nanny Ali to no end how involved he was in her development, doting on her and encouraging her to embrace her natural intelligence.

And she had his eyes. He'd been there for her birth and from the beginning he'd known her blue eyes had a hint of grey in them, no matter what the nurse said. And they were as expressive as his; he loved to make her laugh and bring out that grey. He loved the way her little hand disappeared into his and the way she gurgled at him during bath time. She trusted him absolutely and everyday that overwhelmed him.

She stirred in her stroller. Jack had been walking for so long, he'd lost track of time. He checked his watch. It was close to meal time. He loved feeding her, and had always gotten a bit jealous to watch Gabrielle breastfeeding her. "OK, OK, we're going home, and there's plenty of mashed food for you," he said when she opened her aqua-grey eyes and looked at him expectantly.

"Hot chocolate," she demanded.

Jack smiled. Gabrielle didn't believe any child should have caffeine before five years of age – and in all fairness, she had abstained herself while breastfeeding – but Jack had accidentally introduced her to a love of hot chocolate and indulged her whenever Gabrielle wasn't around. "Just don't tell your mother."

He got home to find Ali at the kitchen table, pieces of paper everywhere. "Hi Jack," she said guiltily. "I was just studying, it's so much quieter here."

Alexis O'Rielly. Seventeen years older and the oldest of eight. Jack had come across her taking her youngest brother out in his stroller. Despite having taken care of her younger siblings as long as she remembered, she still loved children, just got worn out by taking care of _eight_ of them. Jack had felt a little guilty about poaching her from an obviously overworked stay-at-home mother, but a great baby-sitter was a great baby-sitter and besides, the poor girl needed a quiet place to study through her childcare diploma. Why exactly she wanted to work with children as a career after over a decade looking after her siblings, Jack didn't know, but he considered that little oddity to be his gain. And she was a great cook and housekeeper, too – Jack and Gabrielle had both attempted to tell her she need do nothing but babysit Mary when they were both at work, but Ali was too set in her ways as a sitter/cook/cleaner to listen. She was young, but she was one of the most capable people Jack had met.

"You need my filofax to study... _why_?" Jack asked, smirking because he knew why.

Ali looked sheepish. "I'm sorry, Gabrielle wanted it to be a surprise."

Jack sighed. He'd told Gabrielle he didn't want to celebrate his birthday this year, but he knew better then to fight her when she had her heart set on something. Besides, it would be kind of nice to see old friends again – knowing Gabrielle, she'd go all out and get Zoe and Jess from St. Angela's, Dan from the rural community hospital he now worked at and whoever else she could round up that was still living on the east coast. "OK, I'll pretend you didn't go through my filofax if you go home now. I hate to kick you out, but – "

"I get it, you want time alone with Mary." Ali gathered up her things and left the house after giving Mary a pat and a kiss.

Jack fixed Mary's dinner, complete with contraband hot chocolate, then bathed her and read to her until she fell asleep, putting her in her crib and watching her adoringly. God, she was so beautiful, so perfect, and _his_. He hadn't thought it possible to have something so perfect and care so much about it.

His reverie was interrupted by Gabrielle coming home. He padded out into the front hall and placed his finger over his lips. "I just put Mary to sleep," he said. "How was your day?"

"Fine," she said. She worked part-time in a convalesces ward at Can-State; they had agreed they didn't want their every movement a source of interest by working on the same ward. "Actually, Jack... it was pretty good."

"Yeah?" He stopped pulling out the things to make their own dinner when he caught the note of excitement in her voice. "You get that position you wanted?" Part-time permanent positions were hard to find; Gabrielle had been lucky to get a longterm temp position in the same ward.

"No, better... Jack, I saw my doctor today... I'd had my suspicions for a while 'cos I didn't want to get your hopes up, but... I'm pregnant."

For a second Jack just stared at her. Then his face flooded with joy. "You're serious?" he asked. She nodded. Letting out a cry of sheer joy, he grabbed her and spun her around in a few circles, smothering her with kisses. "I'm so happy!" he said excitedly. "And you said we wouldn't need a four bedroom. I love you."

"I love you too."

He kissed her deeply. "You make me so happy," he said huskily. He'd never thought he could be happy like this, never thought he could _have_ all this. The wife, the career, the family.

He was thirty years old and he finally had a real family.


End file.
